Exit Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Love is an amazing drug, it makes you forget all the lessons you've learned and makes you feel like a total dope again. I'm still pining over my ex. Totally "in love" with her, want to marry her, hanging on to the small scraps and signs of hope she gives me even though she's also interested in someone new already. Went out with friends tonight, ex is a few hours away with her friends for the weekend, was supposed to be having fun, but found myself miserable with everyone asking me what was wrong (until later in the night when I had enough beer in me to have fun). But I had to laugh at myself just now after getting home. First I was just browsing people on Facebook, came across an ex who dumped me probably around this time last year. Same thing, I was heart broken, I pursued her, I tried talking to her family, until she finally told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to leave her the hell alone. Yet seeing her Facebook tonight, I feel absolutely NOTHING. Maybe a small bit of curiosity about how she has been, I actually wouldn't mind being pals with her if we could get past the goofiness of the breakup, but I'm not going to try contacting her. But I feel no sadness, nothing tugs at my heart, no regrets, just a slight interest in maybe talking to her some day. Then I went on a dating website to browse through people, found another ex of mine who I still talk to to this day. We dated way back in high school which is like 6-7 years ago for me now. Same thing with the first example though, whether it's occasionally text messaging her recently, or seeing her on a dating website tonight, I feel nothing, yet this girl too had me laying in my bed, needing to take valium to stop my panic attacks, I even remember telling my mother in the middle of the night that I felt like the sun was just never going to rise again, my world was so shattered, or so I thought. Even now that I see her on a dating website I feel like texting her "why are you on that site, you could date me!" just as a joke, maybe we could start hanging out more often or maybe even engage in a very light-hearted relationship to keep each other company until something more serious comes along for either of us. But again, I sure as hell know I don't love her anymore. I actually had a third ex text me again recently, asking if we should hang out and catch up. This one was also from high school, the last two years, so 5-6 years ago. Nice to hear from her but I didn't really follow through with hanging out with her yet, and again, I feel nothing. Yet now for 3 months, I've been in limited contact with my most recent ex, I wake up and have panic attacks when I miss her, just today she told me we can probably talk on Sunday night when she is home yet I felt like I was dying while I was out with friends tonight just knowing I'd have to wait less than 2 full days, because today she told me she leaning more towards being done for good instead of considering trying with me again. And with a little bit of alcohol in me I of course starting thinking of things to text her, but I haven't said any of it yet and I don't plan to now. Love and heartbreak is so powerful. How can it blind me from remembering how this always goes. I dive in head first with girls, probably thought about marrying each and every girlfriend to some degree, yet now I miss none of them. During breakups, I feel like I'm dying, I feel like I just lost "the one", I feel like I'll never recover. Why can't my brain just do me a favor and say "hey buddy, remember all those others, you don't feel anything for them now!" and help me heal faster. I mean... my brain DOES remind me of those past exes, obviously, since I just wrote about them, so I guess it's my heart that doesn't pay attention. I just hope, if I keep reminding myself of this, that it will speed up the healing process this time. I really don't have 6 months or a year to waste missing someone like I've done in the past. I look forward to the day that I can come across her on Facebook or get a text from her and just not feel a thing. Link to post Share on other sites
thelovingkind Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 What a brilliant post! Stuff like this is why I can't help visiting here several times a day. Rings so much more real and true to everything I'm going through than any self-help book or dating column ever could. I too know that I'll get over my ex, I know that I'll look back and not just be okay with it ending, but probably even be thankful for it. It's so easy to know this and yet almost impossible to feel it. My heart still screams "This was it, this was the one, that magical, tingling feeling of intimacy and connection is gone for life now. You might find someone pleasant, stable, 'nice', but you'll never get anything like this back." How strange it is to have two strong thought processes - the rational and the emotional - operate side by side, simultaneously, but on completely different wave lengths. Link to post Share on other sites
Steve11 Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 This is what i've been trying to keep in my head. I've had break ups in the past & feel like i do now. but looking back at the ex's who i thought i couldnt live without gives me no feeling whatsoever. Time. Time is the key. Still miss her tho lol Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Yep, same here. Feel so strongly that my current ex is still the one, yet I know I felt the same way for another girl a few years back, yet now that one means nothing to me. So I know this current one will soon mean nothing to me too... and therein lies the problem for me. That knowledge that soon this girl, this amazing wonderful girl, will soon mean absolutely nothing to me is totally outright scary and so upsetting. It's that fear that I believe is keeping me clinging onto that hope. The more I stay NC and the more she drifts from my memories, the more I force myself to remember her. A bit of a catch 22 I guess. I want this pain gone, but when that pain goes, she'll be gone too, so I cling onto the pain... I also find it odd that we think each and everyone of our ex's is 'the one', yet seem to forget that we met 'the one' previously... but that would mean there's more than one 'the one'... which doesn't make sense. Love is very strange. Link to post Share on other sites
thelovingkind Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 That knowledge that soon this girl, this amazing wonderful girl, will soon mean absolutely nothing to me is totally outright scary and so upsetting. It's that fear that I believe is keeping me clinging onto that hope. The more I stay NC and the more she drifts from my memories, the more I force myself to remember her. A bit of a catch 22 I guess. I want this pain gone, but when that pain goes, she'll be gone too, so I cling onto the pain... This is so true. I think I am actually more afraid of moving on myself than I am of my ex (who dumped me) moving or having moved on. I sometimes think about what would happen if we randomly went on a date at this stage. The idea that I would start to see him more or less as he sees me - as a friendly but uncomfortable to be around stranger - is deeply unnerving. My stomach churns whenever the realisation starts to sink in that I am now crazy about memories of feelings rather than my ex himself and that if we did try again it would likely be awkward and "off"-feeling for me as well as him. The possibility that I will look back and laugh all this sadness off as foolish naivete is also nauseating. Sometimes we want to know someone so badly that even if the only way to know them is through pain it feels better than total disinterest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Exit Posted June 25, 2011 Author Share Posted June 25, 2011 Yeah.... that is part of what slows the process down, when a piece of you actually doesn't want to get to the point where they will mean nothing to you. It will definitely be bittersweet if I ever get to the day where I don't love this one anymore. I'll be free from suffering but it'll be sad that our love for each other is dead. And even though I just talked about how every ex was special to me and I thought I found "the one" before, this one was definitely the best of the best, and that's not just the rose-tinted glasses talking. So it'll be a tug of war between wanting this pain to end, and not quite wanting to fall out of love her with yet. Link to post Share on other sites
thelovingkind Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Also, once the visceral feelings die, you can't access them in quite the same way anymore. One of the most traumatic things about breaking up is how a part of your life that is a vibrant, colourful and rich tapestry of feelings and experiences gets swiped to greyscale and imprinted with the letters "EX". As the gaps between crying become longer, and I realise that each one could be my last, I know these are the last gasps I will ever have of truly wanting and desiring my ex in that visceral, frantic, "real" way. After this all of the emotion will be consigned to idle Sunday afternoon maundering of "Ah yes, we did have some good times together, fond memories there..." At the moment I feel somewhat like Jim Carrey's character at the end of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Except, it's not the memories themselves that are being erased, it's the sensory detail associated with them. As the last of those emotions seep away, a part of me is desperately trying to hold on and to hide in places where the feelings can't be removed. Because you know that once it's gone, there's no going back to feeling this way about this particular human being ever. I'll be able to revisit this memory of wanting him so badly, but I'll never be able to feel that memory again. In the end, that's the hardest thing to lose. Link to post Share on other sites
scarlett27 Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 i felt sad reading ur post , i can so relate as will others , the great thing is these girls u were heartbroken over and now u can see them and think wtf was i worrying / upset about and in TIME u will feel the same about the last gf - trust me its the first few months that are the hardest for all of us trust me but u will get there , stay strong , keep busy = ps facebook makes most of us fed up lol , stay away from dating sites too , just focus on u for now and get strong , ur not an idiot ur just a man who cares , dont change x Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 At the moment I feel somewhat like Jim Carrey's character at the end of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Except, it's not the memories themselves that are being erased, it's the sensory detail associated with them. As the last of those emotions seep away, a part of me is desperately trying to hold on and to hide in places where the feelings can't be removed. Because you know that once it's gone, there's no going back to feeling this way about this particular human being ever. I'll be able to revisit this memory of wanting him so badly, but I'll never be able to feel that memory again. In the end, that's the hardest thing to lose. I totally agree with you. I don't know how my ex could move on so easily knowing this. I also felt sad reading your post Exit. As I know what you're saying is true! And the next person I date will probably eventually also end up and distant memory. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ Hope this helps!! Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 I know from past relationships that despite how strong my feelings were at the time, once that emotional bond has been broken, I've been totally unable to feel anything like that for an ex. I can remember that I did feel that way, but it's like seeing someone elses life as I can't recall those feelings. I know they were there, but it's so hard to picture it. I did meet up with someone who I truly thought was the one and during that short hour we did get along, but I did not find her attractive (outside or inside), she did not make me laugh or feel comfortable, I felt awkward and just wanted it to be over. She was like a stranger to me - someone I had no interest in knowing or being with. In a way, it was like before we met - she was just someone I worked with who I didn't care about, only now she was more - now she was someone I had no interest in wanting to know. I'd been there, brought the t-shirt and found it didn't even fit, so to speak. My current situation is different as we split as friends - there was no anger or hatred, it just ended. So with that in mind I would still like to be her friend once I've healed and moved on, but... judging by past experiences, once I'm moved on, will I even give a **** to even contact her, let alone see her. I don't know... it's scary... Link to post Share on other sites
thelovingkind Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 Something happened tonight that illustrates the experience we've discussed in this thread. In the last month since the break up, my single weakness has been checking my ex's facebook profile, and tonight makes it the third time I've slipped up and had a look out of morbid curiosity. During the first two views earlier on after breaking up the profile had the effect of being a kind of a shrine, a place to revisit my ex, and to miss him. Tonight was very different. He had a new profile picture and a few new tagged photos, and not only did he no longer appear as if he could still be my boyfriend, he no longer appeared as if he could be my ex-boyfriend. It really could have been the profile of some random stranger; despite a smile the person in the photos seemed cold and distant, a world away from anything or anyone I've ever known. To think just several weeks ago we were intertwined in each other's arms, making plans for a romantic New Years together. This, of course, is a testament to the powerful ability of NC. It turns lovers into strangers. But although I should be glad to be so close to the final hurdle of moving on, I'm achingly sad instead. Now I know that he's really gone, not just because he's not coming back (which I already knew), but because he's simply not even "there" at all. Physically my ex might exist less than twenty minutes walk away, but in every other way at this stage he might as well be any other somewhat attractive guy out there. Ultimately, of course, that's when you do finally move on: when you can look from you ex to a stranger, and a stranger to your ex, and not be able to tell which is which. Because only then can a stranger become a new partner who exists in their own right and not in the shadow of what came before. Bittersweet is definitely the right word. It's a sad night Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 Thelovingkind- You're so right, its weird knowing how close you used to be with that person. I know my ex is a complete starnger to me too now, even though he's just 30 minutes away from me. Link to post Share on other sites
Thieves Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) Yep, same here. Feel so strongly that my current ex is still the one, yet I know I felt the same way for another girl a few years back, yet now that one means nothing to me. So I know this current one will soon mean nothing to me too... and therein lies the problem for me. That knowledge that soon this girl, this amazing wonderful girl, will soon mean absolutely nothing to me is totally outright scary and so upsetting. It's that fear that I believe is keeping me clinging onto that hope... YES. This, exactly. Terrfied to forget, damned to remember. But honestly, OP, thank you so much for this thread! It just completely put into perspective what I've been feeling for the past month or two, or three. I've noticed lately, often while thinking of "him", that I'm starting to feel this distant yet odd 'sensation' of fear. For the life of me I could not figure out why all of the sudden - after doing so well with NC and keeping myself nicely busy - I was returning back to the same sad feelings of remorse I experienced when I first cut myself off from the man I was involved with. But, alas! At a closer look, and after analyzing what I was truly feeling, I realized that these 'sad feelings' are a bit different than the ones I had before. They still stung, don't get me wrong, but they weren't...as heavy, or as 'deep'. I also feel more accepting of my sadness, not denying it. Almost like looking at a papercut on your finger - knowing that even though it stings like hell now, it'll eventually heal. And then it'll scab over, leave a scar, that little scar will fade, and after a while you'll forget that it was even there... With this thread, I now recognize the fact that I'm ever so slowly approaching that final hurdle. Which surprisingly makes me feel kind of sick, and yes... sad. Only, I'm hesitating at making the last jump. Why? Because I also recognize that a part of me actually wants to remember him, that doesn't want him to become just another bland 'ordinary piece of the puzzle' in my history, so to speak. I want to hold on to that piece of the puzzle, that piece of my past, because the feeling of it all was so wonderful and vivid that I don't know when I'll feel it again, or in the same way. It's scary to think that he may become just another nameless face in my memory. Because that would mean I'd have to admit I was wrong, in my heart, that he was possibly the One. Of course I don't mean to sound self-righteous, as in I have to be right about every person I meet in my life, but still. No matter how good or bad a relationship ends, admit it: we all wanted to believe in our hearts that he/she was It. But after a break up and during the coping process, we're forced to look straight at ourselves in the mirror and say, fully believing it in your mind and heart, "No. They really weren't it. They really weren't the one." Edited June 29, 2011 by Thieves Link to post Share on other sites
bikinibeach Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 I was going to be all insightful and talk about how I don't have to lose the beautiful memories that feel good. That I could see that person as gone and my ex as a stranger. But I can,t do that..almost broke down at the thought of how devastating to hold onto memories of someone dead to you but still alive. I now realize I have to choose the pain and the memories or give them up and save myself more hurt. Maybe I can revisit them in time? Extra hard because I think we were madefor each other but he was just too afraid t leave his unhealthy but familiar way of life for me. I have never felt this way about anyone. But I can't take him back!!!! I'm thinking about moving Will have to talk it over with my shrink..ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
jacksonBrown Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 I look forward to the day that I can come across her on Facebook or get a text from her and just not feel a thing. you and me both bro Link to post Share on other sites
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