Is Yo-yo'ing back and forth normal?

[spice4life]

So I met with my MW. God I was nervous - everytime we've met after a hiatus she's always looked stunning, an apologetic and slightly naughty glint in her eye which always made me melt and run back to her on to start the cycle again. But it was different this time. She looked tired, plain, no make up and in jeans and a jumper. Still beautiful but not "dressed". And no naughty glint in her eye either...just sadness.

 

I asked her why she had been an utter bitch to me. Whether she was just using me. Why she kept yo-yoing back and forth in a bipolar way.

 

She said she loved me. But having an affair these two years has driven her insane - guilt, regret, disgust with herself, remorse, so much anger. That her husband though having his faults is a good man who she loves and every time her does any thing good she hates herself even more. That she's unable to sleep. And those rare times she ends up having sex with two men in one day she wishes she was dead.

 

She loves me. I was the relationship she wished she had. But thats just fantasy. She is married. She has a daughter. She has a husband and she'll never leave that.

 

She knows she takes our her rage on me - but thats because I'm the only person she can take her rage out on. She accepts that a decade of friendship is over because she can either love me, cheat and hate herself, or she can hate me and not be with me. There is no platonic middle ground anymore. And she has decided she is tired of hating herself.

 

She knows regardless of whatever she says she will probably come back. And hopes I don't take her back. She wishes I would hate her and leave her, never take her back. My always being there for her, taking her back only makes it hard for her to stay away.

 

We parted company. No physical contact. She looked sad. I felt so guilty. I don't think I've ever really understood what she went through.

 

I hope I can be the bigger man and give her the space she wants. Let her get on with her life. I hope if she comes back I have the strength to not let her.

 

Thank you all for you advice on here.x

 

I agree with BB07 and don't beat yourself up because she can't accept responsibility for her actions. The fact that she blames you should be keep you angry enough to keep her away. You aren't the loser here...she was using you as her own personal anger disposal. Yikes! That should be enough in tself to keep you away.

[Owl]

I'm going to disagree slightly.

 

Yes...she keeps coming back. That's her issue to own.

 

But you keep taking her back...and that's your issue to own (and fix, if you truly want an improvement in your life).

 

She keeps coming back...and you keep taking her back.

 

You're equally culpable for the state of affairs (pun intended, of course! LOL).

 

You're both doing the same dance. The only way to change it is to change your half of the dance.

 

Tell her that you appreciate her honesty, and in her best interests and yours, it's time for the both of you to grow up a bit, and move on.

 

And go NC...intentionally, deliberately, and actively taking measures to ensure that NC stays in place. Block her emails, her calls, etc... Remove her from your contact lists, and take active measures to make it difficult for you to contact her in a moment of weakness.

 

Own fixing the situation from your side.

 

By taking control of your half...you're helping her regain control of her half of the dance as well.

[chalkfarm]

So I met with my MW. God I was nervous - everytime we've met after a hiatus she's always looked stunning, an apologetic and slightly naughty glint in her eye which always made me melt and run back to her on to start the cycle again. But it was different this time. She looked tired, plain, no make up and in jeans and a jumper. Still beautiful but not "dressed". And no naughty glint in her eye either...just sadness.

 

I asked her why she had been an utter bitch to me. Whether she was just using me. Why she kept yo-yoing back and forth in a bipolar way.

 

She said she loved me. But having an affair these two years has driven her insane - guilt, regret, disgust with herself, remorse, so much anger. That her husband though having his faults is a good man who she loves and every time her does any thing good she hates herself even more. That she's unable to sleep. And those rare times she ends up having sex with two men in one day she wishes she was dead.

 

She loves me. I was the relationship she wished she had. But thats just fantasy. She is married. She has a daughter. She has a husband and she'll never leave that.

 

She knows she takes our her rage on me - but thats because I'm the only person she can take her rage out on. She accepts that a decade of friendship is over because she can either love me, cheat and hate herself, or she can hate me and not be with me. There is no platonic middle ground anymore. And she has decided she is tired of hating herself.

 

She knows regardless of whatever she says she will probably come back. And hopes I don't take her back. She wishes I would hate her and leave her, never take her back. My always being there for her, taking her back only makes it hard for her to stay away.

 

We parted company. No physical contact. She looked sad. I felt so guilty. I don't think I've ever really understood what she went through.

 

I hope I can be the bigger man and give her the space she wants. Let her get on with her life. I hope if she comes back I have the strength to not let her.

 

Thank you all for you advice on here.x

This is heart breaking....

 

I think that you are truly lucky that she was able to express herself to you. That is a huge gift in this situation and quite rare.

 

If you can enforce NC, it will be for the best. I know it will hurt but you both deserve some peace. It is the only way.

 

Good luck!

[East7]

So I met with my MW. God I was nervous - everytime we've met after a hiatus she's always looked stunning, an apologetic and slightly naughty glint in her eye which always made me melt and run back to her on to start the cycle again. But it was different this time. She looked tired, plain, no make up and in jeans and a jumper. Still beautiful but not "dressed". And no naughty glint in her eye either...just sadness.

 

I asked her why she had been an utter bitch to me. Whether she was just using me. Why she kept yo-yoing back and forth in a bipolar way.

 

She said she loved me. But having an affair these two years has driven her insane - guilt, regret, disgust with herself, remorse, so much anger. That her husband though having his faults is a good man who she loves and every time her does any thing good she hates herself even more. That she's unable to sleep. And those rare times she ends up having sex with two men in one day she wishes she was dead.

 

She loves me. I was the relationship she wished she had. But thats just fantasy. She is married. She has a daughter. She has a husband and she'll never leave that.

 

She knows she takes our her rage on me - but thats because I'm the only person she can take her rage out on. She accepts that a decade of friendship is over because she can either love me, cheat and hate herself, or she can hate me and not be with me. There is no platonic middle ground anymore. And she has decided she is tired of hating herself.

 

She knows regardless of whatever she says she will probably come back. And hopes I don't take her back. She wishes I would hate her and leave her, never take her back. My always being there for her, taking her back only makes it hard for her to stay away.

 

We parted company. No physical contact. She looked sad. I felt so guilty. I don't think I've ever really understood what she went through.

 

I hope I can be the bigger man and give her the space she wants. Let her get on with her life. I hope if she comes back I have the strength to not let her.

 

Thank you all for you advice on here.x

 

 

This is heart-ripping, reminds me so much of my MW.

 

I think she is very honest with describing her state of LIMBO.

 

You cant fix her, nor I can fix my MW. She loves you as a Lover not as a potential husband and that's the most hurtful thing to admit. If you realize this you will make a huge step forward.

You can have her for a while but at the end she will go back to her H because she isn't strong enough to make decisions.

 

Protect yourself Steve, no matter how much you love her, she is not able to give you a decent relationship.

[East7]

Its like a crazy tug a war/cat chase mouse thing

All I can say is the ride might not always be fun but at least it is never boring !!

 

Hum are you proud of that?

[Owl]

Well maybe.. insatiable is me and my MM's biggest problem in life

 

Sounds like a bad trait for ANYONE considering a relationship...marriage or otherwise.

 

At some point, life teaches most people that it's not all about gratification.

[Owl]

What is better than that ?

 

When you experience it...you'll know.

[Owl]

Yep, I'm a real life, 6' tall blue owl. Of course I'm wise...how else could I speak, or type with just wings???

 

LOL!!!!!

 

The owl screen name wasn't picked for any thoughts of me having wisdom...there's a whole story behind it if you're that curious...just do a search for threads about usernames.

 

As far as your ability to provide advice to your friends...ok. You give advice to your friends. Got it.

[Owl]

You think you are so wise just because you are an owl ???

 

I will have you know I am the advice giver to all my friends with the except of on girlfriend in her early 50's....

 

I wanted to add...this is the disconnect in how you post with your professed age and maturity. This kind of response is pure emotional knee jerk with no rational thought in it. It doesn't sound like the thought out response of a 30-40 year old mother and college science major. It sounds like the rapid response of a high school student.

 

Just wanted to explain what specifically it is that gives that impression to some of us.

[MissBee]

Yep, I'm a real life, 6' tall blue owl. Of course I'm wise...how else could I speak, or type with just wings???

 

LOL!!!!!

 

The owl screen name wasn't picked for any thoughts of me having wisdom...there's a whole story behind it if you're that curious...just do a search for threads about usernames.

As far as your ability to provide advice to your friends...ok. You give advice to your friends. Got it.

 

 

:lmao:

 

*dead*

[MissBee]

I read in National Geographic that Owls didn't possess a sense of humor. What do they know!!:lmao::lmao:.

 

 

:lmao: :lmao:

 

I can't with you all lmaoooo

[SteveS]

This is heart breaking....

 

I think that you are truly lucky that she was able to express herself to you. That is a huge gift in this situation and quite rare.

 

If you can enforce NC, it will be for the best. I know it will hurt but you both deserve some peace. It is the only way.

 

Good luck!

 

Yes in a way I'm glad our meeting was as honest as it was; much rather that then an hour of talking why we shouldn't be together then ending up in bed only to repeat the cycle. Those moments when I've thought about contacting her I just re-read my post about how she feels which dampened the urge quicker than a cold shower. I do love her and she really has unfortunately set the standard for future relationships but she'll never leave her husband. And though I adore our time together - whether that be the friendship or incredible sex - the knowledge that it destroys her will hopefully prevent me from taking her back...

 

Unless she comes back, looking smouldering, telling me she can handle it...where I'm sure I'll be missing her enough to let myself believe her. But I can cross that bridge if and when I come to it. Until then I need to focus on myself

[SteveS]

Its not passiveness its pragmatism...or is that realism? No contact and severing ties is all well and good in theory. But in practice?

 

Physically we live in the same city, have mutual friends, bump into each other in restaurants, cinemas, the park. Technically we live in a visible age and even if I changed my number and deleted her from IM she'd still easily be able to find me through numerous other ways.

 

Firm boundary? How though? Mentally its a case of how strong I'd be feeling if she came back...I truly don't see myself getting over her because regardless of the insanity I don't hate her...in fact after what she told me about what she went through to have an affair with me I only love her more.

 

No I won't contact her. That I know for sure. And I would love to say I'd reject her (for her sake and mine) if she came back...but the reality is I've never been very good at being sensible when she's involved.

[heartbreaker]

I understand what you are going through, I am in exactly the same place but I'm the other woman. We have been best of friends too and he doesn't want to lose me and I him.

I guess I just made a conscious decision to live like this and just wait...

[Owl]

Steve...here's my question.

 

What's YOUR plan going forward, if enforced NC isn't part of the equation?

 

How, SPECIFICALLY, do you plan on working through this?

[SteveS]

I don't know. As I said I know I won't contact her regardless, but its important to me that she knows I'll always be there for her. Not because I want her back or to re-start the cycle, but because if something bad ever happened I'd want to be there...if she wanted me....and even if that mean it was just for that bad moment and we got on with our lives. Perhaps I need a scale e.g. don't call if you're having a bad day or had an argument but do contact me if someone dies or you're ill or something?! And if she came back on these extreme moments I would have hopefully moved on, found someone else, or at least be strong enough not to fall again.

 

I don't know...am I just being ridiculous? Does it have to be enforced no contact forever or nothing?

[growingpains]

Steve, I do feel for you and understand the situation and the yo-yo-ing with continue unless one of you is strong enough to not get sucked back in.

 

Believe me, I know how tough it is. I am a MW who stopped all contact before it became physical with the SOM. It had gone back and forth for over two years, with disappearances from both of us for various reasons: guilt, turmoil, confusion, knowing it was a dysfunction and unhealthy thing for both of us etc etc. Will we, won't we kind of thing. It was exhausting and upsetting and after the last disappearance, I felt it was enough. I couldn't do it to my husband or myself, or the OM. He did contact me to say he had started seeing someone and still thought about me and it would be good to hear from me.

 

It has taken so much for me not to respond. It's all been said before. I desperately wanted to be civil and maybe explain things as your MW has done to you but I made the difficult decision not to. I still struggle with that but I am sticking with it as it is the best for everyone involved.

 

If she does come back you have to be strong. She has shown that she can falter and one of you needs to take control and it sounds like it has to be you. You deserve better.

 

Just accept what you had and let it go. For everyone's sake. It won't be easy but it will be better in the long run if you break the addiction once and for all.

[Owl]

I don't know...am I just being ridiculous? Does it have to be enforced no contact forever or nothing?

 

After an affair...yes, that is what it requires.

 

Once you cross the line from friendship to lover...there's no going back. For a ton of reasons.

 

If you're always "there" for her...then the door to resume the affair remains open. You've both clearly demonstrated that the door won't close doing what you've been doing.

 

I'm not aware of any other way to close that door, once it's been opened. And I've been posting and learning about infidelity for a good number of years now.

 

Frankly...if you're not ready to go NC...you're probably not emotionally to the point where you're even capable of ending the affair yet.

[growingpains]

Edit: the yo-yo-ing *will* continue

 

And Owl is right. If you are there when the other is vulnerable etc, where do you think that will lead?

 

I understand the losing the friend bit must be difficult but you have to be over the emotional/sexual pull of that before you can consider being there for each other. You have already crossed that line as as Owl said, it is hard to go back.

 

You deserve to meet someone that can be there 100% for you, without the drama and the turmoil and it will be difficult to do that if you are still emotionally tied to her.

[East7]

I absolutely agree with growingpains.

 

All the paradox of a MW (yours, mine, whoever) is that she may be crazy in love with you, still having no intention to leave her M for being with you. That is the state of Limbo, being in the middle and being with no-one, not with the H, nor with the OM. It is a very unhealthy situation which inflicts a LOT of pain to everyone involved.

 

When you realize that she will NOT be with you for whatever reason you will be able to move on.

 

I am not a big supporter of NC. I think anyone should find the strength within himself to move on without sticking the head in the sand.

 

Right now I don't think you are ready to end the affair - I agree with Owl at this point. You will need a lot of introspective to arrive to YOUR own decisions where you can reject her and tell her that you are done and won't settle for crumbs anymore.

[SteveS]

No I'm not ready to move on, still trying to think my way out of this, trying to figure out a compromise solution, re-reading what I wrote above about how she felt to stop myself contacting her (its working) and hoping she doesn't contact me.

 

But then after everything she said - about guilt, remorse, turmoil, accepting she'll never leave her husband, and wishing she was dead etc etc etc why would she come back? Surely by her admitting what she had it means she won't so the pressure is off me?

 

Or am I just being naive?

[chalkfarm]

I don't know...am I just being ridiculous? Does it have to be enforced no contact forever or nothing?

I think what you aren't being told is that "leaving the door open" doesn't easily allow you to have a real relationship with a free woman.

 

Likely, you will not have room in your heart and a free woman absolutely can not compete. Make sense?

[SteveS]

Must admit I can't even imagine being with anyone else. I was out with friends last night at a bar and had a stunning stunning woman sat at the next table flirting outrageously and I just wasn't interested. You are right I need to close the door, accept nothing with happen with my MW and get on with my life. Easier said than done though.

 

Why would a married woman who feels such guilt and pain come back time and time again though?

[SBC]

 

Why would a married woman who feels such guilt and pain come back time and time again though?

 

For the same reason you do --because neither of you are ready or willing to make the hard choice of one way or the other. All in or all out.

 

But in reality, it doesn't matter why she does what she does. What matters is why you do what you do. Why do you keep taking her back each time regardless of the pain?

 

and when are you going to stop cutting yourself?

[djacob1998]

Thank you all for this post........... me=(7 yrs friend--, 4 yrs lover)... Things I have learned......They can't be your friend anymore because they can't be their own.......Chances are, they won't leave. If they did, your relationship is based on deception.......If it is meant to be, it will...

 

 

Anybody care to add___________?????:eek:

 

Btw..........thing ended a month ago. I tell myself this everyday....and it hurts less and less everyday!!!!!!

Edited July 11, 2011 by djacob1998