Is Yo-yo'ing back and forth normal?

[JaneyAmazed]

I absolutely agree with growingpains.

 

All the paradox of a MW (yours, mine, whoever) is that she may be crazy in love with you, still having no intention to leave her M for being with you. That is the state of Limbo, being in the middle and being with no-one, not with the H, nor with the OM. It is a very unhealthy situation which inflicts a LOT of pain to everyone involved.

 

When you realize that she will NOT be with you for whatever reason you will be able to move on.

 

I am not a big supporter of NC. I think anyone should find the strength within himself to move on without sticking the head in the sand.

 

Right now I don't think you are ready to end the affair - I agree with Owl at this point. You will need a lot of introspective to arrive to YOUR own decisions where you can reject her and tell her that you are done and won't settle for crumbs anymore.

 

I don't understand this, East. If you were married and you wife had an affair and then wanted to work on the marriage, would you feel differently or would NC be optional for her? What if she told you she is not a fan a NC? I don't see NC as sticking my head in the sand. I think it would just set me back to have contact with xOM. I also think of it as a betrayal to my H to have contact. You've already proved that by not enforcing NC you've been a part of the yo-yoing. If you had gone NC, you wouldn't have had to deal with the emotions of the latest request from your xMW that did get you excited. You even said those old feelings were coming back. Who wants to get excited just to deflate again? The only way for Steve to not ride that roller coaster or be a part of the yo-yoing is to go NC ...at least until he is no longer emotionally attached to her. We'd like to BELIEVE that we strong enough to handle contact, but most of the time we are not. We may not act on anything, but the emotions will be strong and there is a strong possibility of set back (emotionally).

[JaneyAmazed]

Great post Janey.........and I hear you are doing well. I'm happy for you!

 

Thanks BB07! I'm taking it a day at a time. I'm a heck of a lot better off than 6 months ago. I hope you're doing well!

[SteveS]

BB07 - Yes I do tell myself this is a great love. And I have to believe that otherwise I'm just an idiot who was used by his married best friend.

 

I must admit the concept of NC makes little sense - I suppose I agree with East that it would be nice just to be mature adults about this. Why can't two people who had an affair just be friendly exes? I'm friends with most my exes and have never crossed any lines with them after we broke up. Why just because the relationship was an affair rather than normal relationship mean you can't go back....surely its just a matter of control. And even if you do feel something - it doesn't mean you have to act on it?

[JaneyAmazed]

BB07 - Yes I do tell myself this is a great love. And I have to believe that otherwise I'm just an idiot who was used by his married best friend.

 

I must admit the concept of NC makes little sense - I suppose I agree with East that it would be nice just to be mature adults about this. Why can't two people who had an affair just be friendly exes? I'm friends with most my exes and have never crossed any lines with them after we broke up. Why just because the relationship was an affair rather than normal relationship mean you can't go back....surely its just a matter of control. And even if you do feel something - it doesn't mean you have to act on it?

 

Affair relationships are not the same as a normal relationship. If you don't go NC, unfortunately you will more likely continue to yo-yo...emotionally and/or physically. You will only become more invested in her, increasing the chances of more contact, and end up hurting worse than before. I think if you ever do decide to go NC you'll see things more clearly. You say "surely its a matter of control." When she calls you up one night lonely and wanting to see you again, see how much control you have. I would hope that you are one of those that doesn't have to go NC and stays in control from this point on, but (according to many stories here on LS) you would be a rare case. In a way, not going NC "keeps the hope alive." It seems to me that the right thing to do is to tell her not to contact you until she is divorced. If she doesn't divorce, she's made her choice. If she does divorce, then you can have a "normal" relationship. Then the yo-yo has stopped. Continuing contact with her while she is still married is only a set-up for more pain and hurt for you down the road. Just remember you can't compare an affair relationship to any normal relationship. You are dealing with a whole new monster here.

[spice4life]

BB07 - Yes I do tell myself this is a great love. And I have to believe that otherwise I'm just an idiot who was used by his married best friend.

 

I must admit the concept of NC makes little sense - I suppose I agree with East that it would be nice just to be mature adults about this. Why can't two people who had an affair just be friendly exes? I'm friends with most my exes and have never crossed any lines with them after we broke up. Why just because the relationship was an affair rather than normal relationship mean you can't go back....surely its just a matter of control. And even if you do feel something - it doesn't mean you have to act on it?

 

I think you need to evaluate what "great love" means to you. If you are truly in love with this woman, you would NOT want to see her in any pain and obviously, this affair is very painful for her. The only way you can go back to being friends is by giving her the space and time she needs to get over her "emotional/romantic" feelings for you. I guess the better question to ask yourself is whether or not this relationship is an ego boost for you. The fact that you mentioned, "if you do feel something - it doesn't mean you have to act on it" indicates you may value the ego stroke more than you do her as a person. True love is selfless meaning, her NOT suffering in pain would take priority over being your friend right now.

 

You also mentioned in another post that the fact she put herself through all of this for you made you love her even more. That indicated to me that having her in your life really stroked your ego. I think you should be honest with yourself and really look at whether or not this is truly a "great love" for you or is she simply a challenge. You may be confusing the two.

Edited July 11, 2011 by spice4life

[JaneyAmazed]

I think you need to evaluate what "great love" means to you. If you are truly in love with this woman, you would NOT want to see her in any pain and obviously, this affair is very painful for her. The only way you can go back to being friends is by giving her the space and time she needs to get over her "emotional/romantic" feelings for you. I guess the better question to ask yourself is whether or not this relationship is an ego boost for you. The fact that you mentioned, "if you do feel something - it doesn't mean you have to act on it" indicates you may value the ego stroke more than you do her as a person. True love is selfless meaning, her NOT suffering in pain would take priority over being your friend right now.

 

You also mentioned in another post that the fact she put herself through all of this for you made you love her even more. That indicated to me that having her in your life really stroked your ego. I think you should be honest with yourself and really look at whether or not this is truly a "great love" for you or is she simply a challenge. You may be confusing the two.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head. I wonder if this woman left her H and was Steve's totally and completely (the challenge eliminated), would he be as thrilled to be with her. If anything, he might wonder what she'll do when she gets bored with him. Just a thought.

[heartinlove]

BB07 -

 

I must admit the concept of NC makes little sense - I suppose I agree with East that it would be nice just to be mature adults about this. Why can't two people who had an affair just be friendly exes? I'm friends with most my exes and have never crossed any lines with them after we broke up. Why just because the relationship was an affair rather than normal relationship mean you can't go back....surely its just a matter of control. And even if you do feel something - it doesn't mean you have to act on it?

 

Because when affairs end it is not because one person is complete or falls out of love and the relationship ends. It is usually because it is discovered or because of guilt in one of the affair partners, so the love in the affair or the affair relationship is on its own left uncompleted. As long as you are in contact, it will be alive for her and you. If thats what you want and she wants great, but it is unrealistic that either of you will fully move on if you stay connected.

[Owl]

If thats what you want and she wants great, but it is unrealistic that either of you will fully move on if you stay connected.

 

But realistically, doing so is highly unfair to her, to you, and to her husband as well.

 

Here's my take.

 

Either fully invest in trying to convince her into leaving her H for you...or get out of her life completely.

 

At some point, it really WILL boil down to one of these two things. If her H ever finds/figures it out, she'll be faced with that same choice at that point in time as well.

 

The difference is...you can decide NOW and actively have a hand in that decision and in determining what kind of man you want to be throughout all of this. If he finds out about the affair and forces HER to choose...it's all dependent upon her and you'll have no say in the matter.

[SteveS]

So we met yesterday evening. Not planned - I was going to a colleagues leaving drinks and when we arrived at the bar she was there with her sister, who saw me and called me over. Obviously no space to be awkward. God she looked stunning, it was a sunny evening and she was in a fitted low cut dress. We made small talk for a while, until her sister said she was leaving, and suggested she stay as she rarely gets to go out in the evening.

 

We sat and talked. Small-talk which was the same as it always was. So at ease and relaxed. I brought us up. Nothing had changed for her. She was less emotional. She told me again that she loves me, she always will, but she doesn't want to have a relationship with me ever again as its too painful for her. She wants to give her marriage a chance and be a better wife and mother.

 

I brought up the subject of NC. Would that be better for us. Should we say our goodbyes. If we're in contact we might slip.

 

She said no. Again she doesn't expect us to talk every day like we used to, but no harm in keeping in touch, even meeting for coffee / lunch from time to time. That she was confident she'd never slip.

 

I offered to drive her home, and said my goodbyes to my work colleagues. The 30 mins drive home we just talked like old friends - again just like old times. As we approached her street I pulled the car over, leant across and tried to kiss her. I just felt right.

 

She just pushed me away, gave me a hug, and said she'd talk to me soon, and went home. She's often been inconsistent but she's never stopped me kissing her when we're together in person.

 

Maybe NC isn't necessary. Maybe she really has turned a page and can be just friends. And maybe if I accept that as being no bad thing I can get on with my life...but with the added bonus of having my friend around?

[JaneyAmazed]

Maybe NC isn't necessary. Maybe she really has turned a page and can be just friends. And maybe if I accept that as being no bad thing I can get on with my life...but with the added bonus of having my friend around?

 

In my opinion, this will not work. You don't want her as just a friend. You still have strong feelings for her. It doesn't matter if she's turned the page or not. If she has, then you gain nothing by staying in contact. If she hasn't, the yo-yo continues. You need to turn the page if you really want to get on with your life. Let her work on her marriage. I know you think you love her, but you are being disrespectful to her H and her marriage to continue any contact with her. Sometimes you have to do what is right no matter how you feel. It sounds like she just likes the attention from you. She should have never let you take her home. It seems to me like it's an ego boost for her. And please, don't try to kiss her again! I hurt for you, I really do. Do yourself a huge favor and close the book on this woman. Someone else out there can be your lover and your friend exclusively. Don't you deserve that?

[Owl]

Steve, you came here looking for advice.

 

You're getting advice now, from people who have been in your shoes, in her shoes, and in her H's shoes.

 

From all those three different perspectives, and for the most part you're hearing the same thing (with the exception of advice from those who are CURRENTLY in the same situation as you...which means they've not resolved their own situation yet either).

 

If you're going to simply ignore, disregard, or otherwise not take that advice...what's the point in soliciting it?

 

I get that you don't like what you're hearing...but what you're hearing is coming from people who are trying to help you resolve your situation from their own viewpoints much further along this path than you are.

 

What do you want LS to do for you?

[Owl]

And there you go.

 

In the last three posts, you got advice from a former Wayward Spouse (the MW's perspective), a former betrayed husband (her H's perspective), and a former other woman (your future perspective, potentially).

 

All saying the same thing.

 

This should tell you something.

[East7]

Just had a couple of minutes to read the previous posts.

 

Steve, she is disrespecting you and treating you like crap. What the f*** does it mean: I want to work on my M but I want to keep talking with you ?

Traduction : I am keeping my husband but if you want to be my puppy I'm ok with that ?

 

Don't be a total wuss, please, she will loose respect for you. I am being harsh I know but you need a good shake.

 

Don't take me wrong for the NC:

I am againt NC when MW is pining after you and you are the One in control.

 

In your case, She is the one who has the control. She can either throw you under the bus or throw you some crumbs to keep you on the hook. She is telling you the main dish is for the hubby, why are you going around the table for crumbs?

 

She didn't wanted to give you a kiss? When I heard that my hair went up.! At that moment you should have told her goodbye and delete her number.

[Owl]

Actually, she's trying to do the EXACT same thing that Steve is...limit this to a "friends only" relationship going forward.

 

If Steve was working to be "friends only"...he wouldn't/shouldn't have tried to kiss her. She was right for rejecting it given what they've both professed that they want.

 

And this is a classic example of why "just friends" doesn't work.

 

Steve was still trying to get more than "just friends" out of their interaction.

 

This is why NC is a must after infidelity.

[chalkfarm]

I offered to drive her home, and said my goodbyes to my work colleagues. The 30 mins drive home we just talked like old friends - again just like old times. As we approached her street I pulled the car over, leant across and tried to kiss her. I just felt right.

 

She just pushed me away, gave me a hug, and said she'd talk to me soon, and went home. She's often been inconsistent but she's never stopped me kissing her when we're together in person.

 

Maybe NC isn't necessary. Maybe she really has turned a page and can be just friends. And maybe if I accept that as being no bad thing I can get on with my life...but with the added bonus of having my friend around?

 

THIS! THE BOLDED! She will not be able to always say "no". You will push and push and she will eventually relent. Trying to kiss her was actually rather cruel....

[JaneyAmazed]

Actually, she's trying to do the EXACT same thing that Steve is...limit this to a "friends only" relationship going forward.

 

If Steve was working to be "friends only"...he wouldn't/shouldn't have tried to kiss her. She was right for rejecting it given what they've both professed that they want.

 

And this is a classic example of why "just friends" doesn't work.

 

Steve was still trying to get more than "just friends" out of their interaction.

 

This is why NC is a must after infidelity.

 

I agree. It doesn't matter if or who is pining after who. This is a time when the xOM and xMW stop making excuses, and just do what is right in the eyes of the BS. If there is a BS that would be ok with ANY contact with an xAP (pining or not, in control or not) I can't imagine who that would be. Steve/East, put yourselves in the shoes of the husbands that were betrayed. Would it ever be ok for your wife to contact an xOM or an xOM contact her?

[blinded]

You should walk away while you still have some of your dignity left. While you are waiting on the sideline as her 'friend', she is working on forgetting you. It sounds like she is trying to get over you and what you had together. Listen to what others are telling you. I say this because you sound like me. You know what happened while I waited as a 'friend'? He got over me. Stopped all contact with me and asked me not to contact him anymore. This from my 'friend'.

 

I thought I could handle it. But I'm more messed up now than before. The only thing you can control in the equation is you.

[SteveS]

Blinded: I like that quote - Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship (Oscar Wilde) Sure feels like that now....!!

 

Why did I come on LS? I'm not sure...perhaps I was hoping to hear someone say that this is normal but there is light at the end of the tunnel and that there can be a happy ending to all of this. Of course I suppose those people are less likely to be hanging out on LS!

 

This isn't an ego trip. I really am in love with her. And I don't respect her H. Why should I considering everything she told me about him, the controlling, the physical abuse etc. I have seen how low she gets in her marriage so I understand her thinking to why she wants to keep me as a friend - its the ideal solution for her ie no turmoil of the affair but having her friend when life gets hard. And yes I find it hard to say no to her....

 

You are right though I shouldn't have tried to kiss her. but it was such an over-whelming force. And you're right it'll happen time and time again, and the likelyhood is one of us will slip.

 

Perhaps NC is the only way forward.

[JaneyAmazed]

Blinded: I like that quote - Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship (Oscar Wilde) Sure feels like that now....!!

 

Why did I come on LS? I'm not sure...perhaps I was hoping to hear someone say that this is normal but there is light at the end of the tunnel and that there can be a happy ending to all of this. Of course I suppose those people are less likely to be hanging out on LS!

 

This isn't an ego trip. I really am in love with her. And I don't respect her H. Why should I considering everything she told me about him, the controlling, the physical abuse etc. I have seen how low she gets in her marriage so I understand her thinking to why she wants to keep me as a friend - its the ideal solution for her ie no turmoil of the affair but having her friend when life gets hard. And yes I find it hard to say no to her....

 

You are right though I shouldn't have tried to kiss her. but it was such an over-whelming force. And you're right it'll happen time and time again, and the likelyhood is one of us will slip.

 

Perhaps NC is the only way forward.

 

You must be a deep fog. The fact that she stays with a man who physically abuses her should worry you. No matter how bad she say their marriage is, she is choosing to stay with her H. By the way, there is a light at the end of the tunnel but it starts with going NC. The happy ending is you have a life separate from your xMW and you have no emotional attachment to her. The reason no one supports you staying in contact with her is because we know you can't just be her friend. Going NC will hurt for a while, but it's better than where you're at now. You will not be interfering with someone else's marriage and you will have your dignity while you heal.

[Steadfast]

Why did I come on LS? I'm not sure...perhaps I was hoping to hear someone say that this is normal but there is light at the end of the tunnel and that there can be a happy ending to all of this. Of course I suppose those people are less likely to be hanging out on LS!

 

Nice.

 

Please don't take this personally, but I've been reading your thread and can make some observations based on what you've written. IMO, you came here looking for support and instead, your situation and the issues regarding it were revealed. Like most, you ponder the bitter people...

 

I really am in love with her. And I don't respect her H. Why should I considering everything she told me about him, the controlling, the physical abuse etc.

 

What do you expect her to say? That she's cheating on a really nice, wonderful guy? You're taking the word of the person who's lying and betraying her husband, and you don't respect him? I do not condone abuse (it very well could be a lie too) but of all the people involved in this little circle, he seems to be the only one worthy of any.

 

Again, IMO, you're in lust with her. If you really loved her, you would have broken off all contact once things started to turn physical. Out of respect, you should have backed off after she married. It was his role as her husband to be her best friend; not yours and this bothered you. You've left a few important details out, didn't you? She knew you'd be an ally to side with her if there were any problems between them, didn't she?

 

Just another tale in the dirty business of cheating.

[fooled once]

Nice.

 

Please don't take this personally, but I've been reading your thread and can make some observations based on what you've written. IMO, you came here looking for support and instead, your situation and the issues regarding it were revealed. Like most, you ponder the bitter people...

 

What do you expect her to say? That she's cheating on a really nice, wonderful guy? You're taking the word of the person who's lying and betraying her husband, and you don't respect him? I do not condone abuse (it very well could be a lie too) but of all the people involved in this little circle, he seems to be the only one worthy of any.

 

Again, IMO, you're in lust with her. If you really loved her, you would have broken off all contact once things started to turn physical. Out of respect, you should have backed off after she married. It was his role as her husband to be her best friend; not yours and this bothered you. You've left a few important details out, didn't you? She knew you'd be an ally to side with her if there were any problems between them, didn't she?

 

Just another tale in the dirty business of cheating.

 

Great great post!!!

[OldOnTheInside]

What do you expect her to say? That she's cheating on a really nice, wonderful guy? You're taking the word of the person who's lying and betraying her husband, and you don't respect him? I do not condone abuse (it very well could be a lie too) but of all the people involved in this little circle, he seems to be the only one worthy of any.

Again, IMO, you're in lust with her. If you really loved her, you would have broken off all contact once things started to turn physical. Out of respect, you should have backed off after she married. It was his role as her husband to be her best friend; not yours and this bothered you. You've left a few important details out, didn't you? She knew you'd be an ally to side with her if there were any problems between them, didn't she?

I like this. The bolded especially. It's more about your feelings than MW's. IMO.

 

Feel free to demonise the husband as some complete b*stard if you wish. But how much tangible evidence do you really have? The word of somebody who has already shown themselves to be dishonest? Or maybe you think that you are different from him? It's easy enough to create the great existential villian for you to rescue the MW from, and feel better about yourself at the same time. But you know what they say around here: life isn't so black and white.

If I may ask, what do you think about you and the mOW from a moral standpoint? Face it, even if he is abusive, it's not you are a saint. You're all swimming in the same morality-pool of sh*t now.

[SteveS]

Been a very productive week. A turnaround of sorts. I ignored her messages since we last met - largely because I was angry and didn't want to start an argument, but also because i had a hellish week at work and was suitably distracted. She messaged me last night asking why I was ignoring her. In a moment of clarity I said (summarised highlights) "being in an affair is making us both miserable...I'm tired of yo-yo'ing back and forth...the only way I'll be with you is if its properly....but I need to get on with my life....could you not contact me"

 

She never replied back.

 

I am upset. But it almost feels as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

 

Day 1....

[JaneyAmazed]

Been a very productive week. A turnaround of sorts. I ignored her messages since we last met - largely because I was angry and didn't want to start an argument, but also because i had a hellish week at work and was suitably distracted. She messaged me last night asking why I was ignoring her. In a moment of clarity I said (summarised highlights) "being in an affair is making us both miserable...I'm tired of yo-yo'ing back and forth...the only way I'll be with you is if its properly....but I need to get on with my life....could you not contact me"

 

She never replied back.

 

I am upset. But it almost feels as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

 

Day 1....

 

 

Don't forget that what feels like (weight being lifted). You can do this. Just so you know, the anger will most likely fade and there will be times you'll really be missing her. It's easy to stay NC when you're angry at someone. Be prepared to do what it takes to stay NC.

[spice4life]

Been a very productive week. A turnaround of sorts. I ignored her messages since we last met - largely because I was angry and didn't want to start an argument, but also because i had a hellish week at work and was suitably distracted. She messaged me last night asking why I was ignoring her. In a moment of clarity I said (summarised highlights) "being in an affair is making us both miserable...I'm tired of yo-yo'ing back and forth...the only way I'll be with you is if its properly....but I need to get on with my life....could you not contact me"

 

She never replied back.

 

I am upset. But it almost feels as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

 

Day 1....

 

Good for you. I know it hurts, but it is definitely a relief once you decide to take control of your own life. I've done the and while it does hurt to release someone you care about, it also allows the two of you to finally mourn the relationship and focus on your life. Being happy in a relationship should take a front seat to living only a half life.

 

I'm single too and being in an affair was very lonely existence. Even when I was hanging out with friends and family I felt totally alone. I couldn't talk to them about it

so I had to suffer in silence instead. It was my own fault though as he never made any promises, I still chose to stay in a self imposed limbo due to loyalty.