Is Yo-yo'ing back and forth normal?

[East7]

It is VERY VERY difficult to get over an AP. You will probably cave in a couple of times before going definitely NC.

 

Right now, probably she is just pi$$ed off with your answer.

 

Good luck!

[spice4life]

East7 is right, you might screw up and break contact...I know I did. But, I have vowed to not do it again because I do care and want to respect his right to heal. I felt bad and wanted to reach out and let him know how sorry I was for not being able to be what he needed me to be. The reality is we couldn't be what we needed each other to be and that is is why we ended up miserable in the affair. Once you see that, you will be able to finally let go and so you can find someone who can be what you want and need them to be. One thing I'm happy about is that at least I was always honest with him that is for certain!...even if he chose not to see it.

 

Good luck.

[SteveS]

Yes I don't expect NC to be easy - its not just the desire longing / missing her which has already started but the pointless analysis and suddenly having a thousand questions - wondering if I could have done things differently, why sometimes she felt guilty sometimes she didn't, whether she's missing me or getting on with her life, whether she found someone else, whether she feels guilty for how she treated me etc etc etc. All utterly pointless i know.

 

On a positive note I've started noticing other women. Single ones. They seem to be everywhere. Even in my office. Can't believe I haven't noticed them for 2 years. No desire to actually do anything with anyone at the moment - wouldn't be fair on them as it would obviously be a rebound thing - but glad i'm noticing them

[spice4life]

Yes I don't expect NC to be easy - its not just the desire longing / missing her which has already started but the pointless analysis and suddenly having a thousand questions - wondering if I could have done things differently, why sometimes she felt guilty sometimes she didn't, whether she's missing me or getting on with her life, whether she found someone else, whether she feels guilty for how she treated me etc etc etc. All utterly pointless i know.

 

On a positive note I've started noticing other women. Single ones. They seem to be everywhere. Even in my office. Can't believe I haven't noticed them for 2 years. No desire to actually do anything with anyone at the moment - wouldn't be fair on them as it would obviously be a rebound thing - but glad i'm noticing them

 

I hear you on that one, meaning noticing others. I finally feel like i am free to go out and get the life and relationship I want for the first time in over two years. NC is hard and i have to keep reminding myself that he is MARRIED and there is nothing in this world I can do about that.

[SteveS]

Yes the future does look bright, less insane, full of normality...

 

Yet...I really am missing her. And I really am wondering if she's missing me. Perhaps its an ego thing but its horrible to think two years can so easily be forgotten. And why isn't she messaging me...shouldn't she be missing me?! Okay thats definitely an ego thing. Glad she's not messaging me. But I suspect I would have been happier if we had parted that we did on better terms rather than as emotionally and aggressively as we did. But then why would we have parted on good terms?!

[JaneyAmazed]

Yes the future does look bright, less insane, full of normality...

 

Yet...I really am missing her. And I really am wondering if she's missing me. Perhaps its an ego thing but its horrible to think two years can so easily be forgotten. And why isn't she messaging me...shouldn't she be missing me?! Okay thats definitely an ego thing. Glad she's not messaging me. But I suspect I would have been happier if we had parted that we did on better terms rather than as emotionally and aggressively as we did. But then why would we have parted on good terms?!

 

I have a feeling that she does miss you. Not contacting someone doesn't mean not missing them. I'm sure she misses you as you miss her. Not being to verbalize is hard, but that's part of the process of NC. Be thankful she's not messaging you. Be thankful when she doesn't start the yo-yo again. I know it's hard and I know it hurts. To ease your mind, there really are no good terms in an affair. It's a screwed up situation and rarely ends nice and neat. The feelings will be there (for both of you) for long time. There's nothing to stop those feelings but just try to stay strong and focused on your life and your happiness. Imagine yourself with someone who isn't married where you can love and be loved and not have the drama that comes with affairs. I don't think it's an ego thing for you. I think you're in love with her, and it hurts to not hear from her. That's so normal. You will be fine. You can get through this. Somedays will hurt worse than others and there's no time limit on when it will stop hurting. Just allow yourself to grieve. This will be a tough time for you, but I believe you will never regret making a choice that is best for you and for her.

[Steadfast]

I suspect I would have been happier if we had parted that we did on better terms rather than as emotionally and aggressively as we did. But then why would we have parted on good terms?!

 

You wouldn't have to 'part' if the relationship hadn't turned into something is wasn't supposed to be. You could still be friends. I can understand that it's hard and that the head often says one thing while the heart says another. Just remind yourself that you're giving up something that was never yours to begin with. The breaking down process is difficult, but IMO, one critical aspect of your healing is gaining a respect for marriage. If you have no respect for hers, then how can you expect (or demand) anyone respect yours?

[SteveS]

A recurring comment is that she was never mine to lose. Its such a major point which I failed to realise, almost forgetting she was married and treating what we had like a normal relationship. So rather than accepting whatever we had was finite at best I had the same expectations as I would have had with any other girlfriend. So its not that she returned to her husband but she left me. Rejection is never nice but in this case its much worse as other than the insanity we were pretty good together.

 

I know she's not happy in her marriage though - so guilt, remorse and whatever else she's feeling aside I know she'll need something...and if its not me it'll be someone else. Its funny that was my first thought when she started to yo-yo, that she'd found someone else rather than she wanted to return to her husband. I suppose thats normal to think that - she cheated on her husband so suddenly I'd doubt she could be faithful to me?

 

Does mean you could potentially never trust the person you have an affair with...even if she left her husband.

[browndog319]

SteveS,

Reading your story is literally like mine. The only difference is that he still reaches out every couple of days and I still respond like the weak person I am because I, too, feel guilty. I know I would feel crushed if I reached out to him and he ignored me. I hate the idea that I would crush him right now, especially since he is in hell at home, a hell I helped create.

 

Although, he has only admitted to an inappropriate friendship that we got caught in Email situations twice. Never the physical or love piece. They are in MC and he is lying so it's really not going to work out so well - it's just a matter of time before they settle into their routine of separate lives and him hiding in his office getting drunk and emailing people. I fear he will drink himself to death he is so lonely at home. But that is his choice. He chose his marriage instead of me. I am trying to repeatedly drum that into my brain to drive any hope out of it. I need to move on because this yo-yo life is no way to live and be happy. But when I am with him I am so happy.

 

I always call it the healthiest unhealthy relationship I've ever had.

 

I never call, text, Email him. So I do my part. I really do. Tonight I'm struggling because I saw a "war eagle" decal and he's an Auburn fan (and I live in PA, so that's pretty random) and I saw a bus sign with the town name "Franklin" on in, where he lives. He lives in a different state, so it wasn't his Franklin, so it's like I was doing great and now I'm a wreck wondering if he sees me in everything. So far I haven't caved. Part of me wants to believe that's a sign but I am also trying to move on.

 

SteveS, it does suck and I feel for you. It's really painful to feel rejected like this because you feel like if it was a free relationship you guys would have gone the distance. Good luck. Reading you I feel my heart breaking in the same way.

[browndog319]

BBO7, that is interesting that you think he is not choosing his marriage. I kind of thought MC was his way of choosing it - although I think him lying through it is forcing it to fail which might be a passive aggressive way to get out of his marriage and saying "hey, I tried!"

[fooled once]

Oh please, he is a jerk. Why doesn't he just set his wife free is if he is just soooo unhappy? Why did he CHOOSE to tell his wife he ended it with you? Why is he wanting to please her if he is sooo unhappy at home? Think about it. He CHOSE his wife; not you. He CHOSE to stay married.

 

If he is so much of a coward to not tell his wife that he wants to separate and instead 'pretend' to care and go to MC, what kind of man is he? A coward. Someone who wants to pass the blame to someone else. Someone who isn't man enough to be honest. Someone who is playing a victim.

 

And just because you don't email/text/call FIRST doesn't mean you aren't a co-conspirator. I know some OW like to think that since they are just RESPONDING to the MM it absolves them of guilt, but it doesn't. They are still CHOOSING to participate.

 

Doesn't sound like you want to end it and you are happy having the crumbs. You believe he is just so unhappy and you want to rescue him. In the mean time, he is having his life, with his wife, and you are sitting at home waiting for a call/text/email.

[browndog319]

Oh please, he is a jerk. Why doesn't he just set his wife free is if he is just soooo unhappy? Why did he CHOOSE to tell his wife he ended it with you? Why is he wanting to please her if he is sooo unhappy at home? Think about it. He CHOSE his wife; not you. He CHOSE to stay married.

 

If he is so much of a coward to not tell his wife that he wants to separate and instead 'pretend' to care and go to MC, what kind of man is he? A coward. Someone who wants to pass the blame to someone else. Someone who isn't man enough to be honest. Someone who is playing a victim.

 

And just because you don't email/text/call FIRST doesn't mean you aren't a co-conspirator. I know some OW like to think that since they are just RESPONDING to the MM it absolves them of guilt, but it doesn't. They are still CHOOSING to participate.

 

Doesn't sound like you want to end it and you are happy having the crumbs. You believe he is just so unhappy and you want to rescue him. In the mean time, he is having his life, with his wife, and you are sitting at home waiting for a call/text/email.

 

I don't know - I don't want it to end bc I really love him. But I'm miserable with just crumbs. I feel guilty as hell. He never claimed to be unhappy. I do think he is a coward - but I'm pretty scared right now, too. Neither of us expected to be here a year later.

[Steadfast]

I know she's not happy in her marriage though - so guilt, remorse and whatever else she's feeling aside I know she'll need something...and if its not me it'll be someone else.

 

She probably isn't happy. How many 'happy' spouses cheat? People will continually white-wash this but the fact is you must judge a person by their actions, not their words. And while no one can be sure if you were her weakness or she was just weak, the outcome (for her) is the same.

 

Its funny that was my first thought when she started to yo-yo, that she'd found someone else rather than she wanted to return to her husband. I suppose thats normal to think that - she cheated on her husband so suddenly I'd doubt she could be faithful to me?

 

Does mean you could potentially never trust the person you have an affair with...even if she left her husband.

 

I can see your understanding deepening as you work this situation through your head Steve. I admire and encourage that. There is a certain freedom to be found when we start to see things for what they are; not what we want them to be. If we do not, we are a slave to our own desires and therefore must justify them. It takes courage to break free of that.

 

You are gaining that courage. Because of that, you will find yourself and someday, the love, respect and wholeness you seek.

[SteveS]

Thanks Steadfast. Unsure about deeper understanding though...just feels like I'm going around in circles asking myself the same pointless questions. One of which is why I'm being such a big girl's blouse (UK slang: a person who is being emotional) about such things: i've had breakups in the past and have never got this upset.

 

Today has been especially hard - saw she left a message on a mutual friend's Facebook wall. Seeing her name / face on my computer screen suddenly brought up so many conflicting emotions. I almost texted her. Wrote the message saying this was insane, that we need to talk, find a way through this etc etc etc. Didn't send it though, and glad i didn't.

 

So how long does this healing / getting over someone process usually take? Months? Years?

[spice4life]

Steves, I don't think it is the unhappiness that makes her cheat. It's more that she lacks the capacity to deal with her problems head on. She chooses to be indirect and deal with them passively by cheating. That is a personality issue not an "unhappy" issue. Tons of people do the right thing and leave unhappy situations instead of cheating, she appears to not have that type of strength. So, I think you dodged a bullet. Even if she ended up free, I would be worried about her passive indirect way of dealing with tough issues. Is that someone you ultimately want to end up with?

[Steadfast]

Thanks Steadfast. Unsure about deeper understanding though...just feels like I'm going around in circles asking myself the same pointless questions. One of which is why I'm being such a big girl's blouse (UK slang: a person who is being emotional) about such things: i've had breakups in the past and have never got this upset.

 

You're welcome. And just so you know that spinning/endless questions IS the process. Give it time because over time, you'll pick and digest a little more until you accept the situation. It won't happen overnight. Some will be on her, but the hard part will be dealing with what you're responsible for. Think of it like this; you'll learn something about yourself and make the changes to not do that again. You'll become a better person. It's growth.

 

And don't be too hard on yourself. She wasn't just another woman, was she? It's ok to admit that. My ex cheated, lied and her actions were very hard on me and her children, but I loved her. Worried about her. When I realized 'shutting off' these feelings wasn't possible, I learned to deal with my emotions better. Honestly? The rejection actually did me some good.

 

Today has been especially hard - saw she left a message on a mutual friend's Facebook wall. Seeing her name / face on my computer screen suddenly brought up so many conflicting emotions. I almost texted her. Wrote the message saying this was insane, that we need to talk, find a way through this etc etc etc. Didn't send it though, and glad i didn't.

 

I know. You see her acting normal...moving on, happy even, and you feel the unfairness. You want her to feel as badly as you do. You want her to experience the loneliness you're experiencing. Truth is, you have no idea what she's feeling. Women are masters at building the wall and place great importance on self image and 'painting' what others see. It's a practiced art and men, generally, are absolutely no good at it. Heart on the sleeve.

 

You must get to the point where you can control your need to know what she's doing. It's very common. You start by loving yourself and looking ahead to the time when love will return to you. Women love a man who doesn't take himself too seriously. You can be better. You will be.

 

For now, block her on Facebook and leave her alone. If you fail, dust yourself off and start over. And over. And over. No man is an island Steve.

So how long does this healing / getting over someone process usually take? Months? Years?

 

Two years after my divorce I began to feel myself again. We were married 17-years. Others get through sooner, some it takes longer. Don't date until you are ready but stay active. Avoid the bottle, work out, and socialize. Just meet people...no romantic agenda. At the same time, don't be blue if your heart is telling you to stay in. Home is a great place to heal-

Edited July 22, 2011 by Steadfast

[JaneyAmazed]

Thanks Steadfast. Unsure about deeper understanding though...just feels like I'm going around in circles asking myself the same pointless questions. One of which is why I'm being such a big girl's blouse (UK slang: a person who is being emotional) about such things: i've had breakups in the past and have never got this upset.

 

Today has been especially hard - saw she left a message on a mutual friend's Facebook wall. Seeing her name / face on my computer screen suddenly brought up so many conflicting emotions. I almost texted her. Wrote the message saying this was insane, that we need to talk, find a way through this etc etc etc. Didn't send it though, and glad i didn't.

 

So how long does this healing / getting over someone process usually take? Months? Years?

 

It might help to block her on FB. That way you can't see her and she can't see you. It's almost a form of LC to be able to keep up with what she's messaging to others and I believe there would be temptation to send her a message. Also, the healing/getting over someone varies from person to person. I've heard a year and half to 3 years isn't uncommon. Sounds painful, but necessary, right? We can change and make all the right choices, but you can't make yourself fall out of love. You have to deal with that pain as you progress. It comes and goes in waves. Somedays are extremely hard and others are a nice break from it. Don't put an time expectations on this. Just do your best to move forward and heal.

 

By the way, everything you are feeling is totally normal. This will pass. You will get through this. There is a light at the end of this tunnel.

[SteveS]

Bugger...

 

I texted her last night around 3am. I had been on a bar crawl with friends and the penultimate bar by sheer coincidence was our regular hangout which brought back a flood of memories. By the time we went to the next bar I wasn't in the mood, was drunkenly mentally composing my message to her, which I wrote and sent in the cab after I finished my drink. I've deleted her number from my phone, removed her from IM and Facebook etc but she's had the same number for a decade and its one of the few I know by heart.

 

Utterly pathetic stuff when read first thing this morning with my hangover - was at our bar, so many good memories, missing you, aren't you missing me etc?

 

Woke up this morning - panicked at what I sent. Checked my phone which had a message from her. Re-read mine first. Cringed. Actually delayed opening hers...

 

She wasn't happy - what the hell was I doing messaging at 3am, what if her husband heard / saw that, that she's going to change her number if I'm going to be a stalker, why did I ask for NC and then message her, that she has no respect for me, nothing to say to me, and no she doesn't miss me, that I should leave her alone...

 

Well I suppose that's answered all my questions that were plaguing me. I feel so rejected. Hopefully Steadfast was right when saying it did some good. Maybe this is the message I'll read a thousand times which will help me get over her but in the mean time I feel worse than I ever have before.

[East7]

 

She wasn't happy - what the hell was I doing messaging at 3am, what if her husband heard / saw that, that she's going to change her number if I'm going to be a stalker, why did I ask for NC and then message her, that she has no respect for me, nothing to say to me, and no she doesn't miss me, that I should leave her alone...

 

Well I suppose that's answered all my questions that were plaguing me. I feel so rejected. Hopefully Steadfast was right when saying it did some good. Maybe this is the message I'll read a thousand times which will help me get over her but in the mean time I feel worse than I ever have before.

 

Steve I am sorry for this slap in your face ! She is being nasty b***. After a decade of friendship, is that all she has to tell you ?

 

And yes, rejection is very painful but it helps to get over someone and open the eyes that this person doesn't feel the same way. Had she answered " I miss you too" it would have been nice but also pull you back to the yo-yo mode.

 

Don't give her "the stick to beat you" again. I hope you are angry with her answer.

 

And a last thing. Alcohol is the enemy of NC bcause we don't control anymore our actions and feelings and it makes it easier to cave in. Keep this in mind the next time, leave your cell at home or do something to make it technically impossible to reach out on her.

[Steadfast]

Alcohol is the enemy of NC...

 

Yeah...I gave good advice and you ignored it. Oh well, that puts you on equal footing with my kids...

 

So you carefully placed your chin up there at just the right angle so she could take a good, hearty swing at it. She did, and it connected. You had it coming, and while I hate that she broke out the (overused) stalker line, deep down you know she's right. Otherwise, you wouldn't feel so bad.

 

She's a married woman Steve. Leave her alone. I know you'll do this right.

 

If, someday you see her, sincerely and humbly apologize. Tell her the truth; you were missing her and felt emotional. It's ok to be honest. She was harsh because she needs it to stop, not because she doesn't miss you. I'm certain she does. Prove to her you care by honoring her wishes.

 

You're not ready, but when you are you'll discover there's a world full of single women hoping to find a good man. One with integrity, strength, and honor. To be that, you must put the work in now. Start now. Start today.

 

I was an overweight (not grossly, just heavy) shattered, 48 year old man with less than half my income and two equally shattered teens when my wife left. I hadn't dated or been on a date for nearly 20 years. I wasn't just cheated on once, but twice. The second just about did me in. I recovered and now am in a wonderful relationship with a very hot, loving girlfriend. Sometimes I look back in amazement, because I was a wreck.

 

Do the work. Set yourself up straight and take comfort in knowing that as long as you have breath in your body, it isn't too late to do the right thing.

 

Get up and dust yourself off. You'll make it.

[fooled once]

 

So how long does this healing / getting over someone process usually take? Months? Years?

 

Depends on the person and the feelings. I met my now H not long after I ended the relationship I was in with a MM. I married my H about 7 months after meeting him The best thing I ever did was end the relationship with the MM because it put me in the right place at the right time to meet my H.

 

You will get there; one step at a time. Hang in there.

 

Steve I am sorry for this slap in your face ! She is being nasty b***. After a decade of friendship, is that all she has to tell you ?

 

And yes, rejection is very painful but it helps to get over someone and open the eyes that this person doesn't feel the same way. Had she answered " I miss you too" it would have been nice but also pull you back to the yo-yo mode.

 

Don't give her "the stick to beat you" again. I hope you are angry with her answer.

 

And a last thing. Alcohol is the enemy of NC bcause we don't control anymore our actions and feelings and it makes it easier to cave in. Keep this in mind the next time, leave your cell at home or do something to make it technically impossible to reach out on her.

 

Great post East!!!

[spice4life]

Yeah...I gave good advice and you ignored it. Oh well, that puts you on equal footing with my kids...

 

So you carefully placed your chin up there at just the right angle so she could take a good, hearty swing at it. She did, and it connected. You had it coming, and while I hate that she broke out the (overused) stalker line, deep down you know she's right. Otherwise, you wouldn't feel so bad.

 

She's a married woman Steve. Leave her alone. I know you'll do this right.

 

If, someday you see her, sincerely and humbly apologize. Tell her the truth; you were missing her and felt emotional. It's ok to be honest. She was harsh because she needs it to stop, not because she doesn't miss you. I'm certain she does. Prove to her you care by honoring her wishes.

 

You're not ready, but when you are you'll discover there's a world full of single women hoping to find a good man. One with integrity, strength, and honor. To be that, you must put the work in now. Start now. Start today.

 

I was an overweight (not grossly, just heavy) shattered, 48 year old man with less than half my income and two equally shattered teens when my wife left. I hadn't dated or been on a date for nearly 20 years. I wasn't just cheated on once, but twice. The second just about did me in. I recovered and now am in a wonderful relationship with a very hot, loving girlfriend. Sometimes I look back in amazement, because I was a wreck.

 

Do the work. Set yourself up straight and take comfort in knowing that as long as you have breath in your body, it isn't too late to do the right thing.

 

Get up and dust yourself off. You'll make it.

 

What an inspiring story steadfast...kudos to you! I'm happy you found the strength to do the work and found real happiness. It gives me hope because I was in a very low place myself a few years ago and have worked hard to get myself to a better place emotionally.

 

Best wishes to you and your girlfriend.

[whichwayisup]

She wasn't happy - what the hell was I doing messaging at 3am, what if her husband heard / saw that, that she's going to change her number if I'm going to be a stalker, why did I ask for NC and then message her, that she has no respect for me, nothing to say to me, and no she doesn't miss me, that I should leave her alone...

 

Well I suppose that's answered all my questions that were plaguing me. I feel so rejected. Hopefully Steadfast was right when saying it did some good. Maybe this is the message I'll read a thousand times which will help me get over her but in the mean time I feel worse than I ever have before.

 

Okay..Ouch! But..GOOD. Now you know where she stands.

 

Yeah it wasn't a good idea to send her a text at 3am, she had every right to be mad, even more so since you intiated the NC.

 

Fact that you feel worse now means that now the "hope" and "wishful" thinking is GONE. This is final, it's OVER and you have no choice but to face this pain, deal with it, grieve the loss, begin your healing process. It isnt' going to be easy but you CAN do this!

 

Don't allow yourself to "miss her" and think of her, remember the fun times. Think of her now as a cancer, someone who is toxic for you and can hurt you badly..

 

Any time you feel an urge to contact her, post here!

[SteveS]

Hello all. Thought I'd message, say hello etc.

 

Must admit I'm glad I sent that drunken text message a month ago and I'm glad she responded as she did as the last month flew by. I really do like myself far too much to be treated badly for a sustained length of time. NC was surprisingly easy.

 

Then a week ago I bumped into her (the joys of living in the same town I suppose) and she asked if I wanted to go for a coffee and I said yes. And we had a general catch up but I didn't feel any love or lust, I didn't even feel that familiar trusting friendship feeling I've used to have. It was like seeing someone a good friend from school - someone you once knew well but wouldn't really trust or open up to. Coffee ended on polite terms and we went our ways.

 

I had no desire to contact her, in fact she messaged me yesterday, then sent another message to say she sent that message "accidentally" (she said she meant to message her sister) - then sent another longer message telling me how wonderful life is and how happy she is in her marriage, how wonderful her husband is being to her.

 

I just replied to say "not a problem, glad all is well" and left it at that.

 

I don't know if she's trying to instigate a platonic friendship or what but I really am not interested in her, her friendship and definitely not interested in having an affair with her. I honestly do think she is bipolar or something.

 

So guys - what is going on in her head at the moment? Why is she being so friendly?

[anne1707]

She's fishing - and it is not for a platonic friendship.