Is Yo-yo'ing back and forth normal?

[noel2]

Not only is it normal to yo yo back and forth, its the way it HAS to be, that's the way the MP keeps you in check. They give you some, pull back, give you some, pull back.....you get the picture. I've been in 2 LT affairs and trust me when I tell you, it's the way it will always be. They get freaked out and panic, then when the panic is over, or they get horny, they come back, it's actually quite sickening the way they put us on a short leash. GET OUT!!!

[SteveS]

Hi Noel2,

 

But who says they are being malicious and intentionally trying to control the situation? I'm not defending my xMW behavior or condoning her actions but this yo-yo'ing reminds me more of an addict that someone being an intentional bitch. I suppose a heroin user might view their poison the same way.

 

Yes that makes us heroin rather than heroes (see what I did there but lets face it - romance, love, passion or not we were in relationships with out people's wives. Its hardly a Disney fairytale story so happily ever after was never going to happen.

 

The fact is we can choose to let people do bad things to us. If I'd walked away from my xMW the moment she looned out I would have saved myself lots of heartache. She's never forced me to take her back or claimed to be anything other than a crazy woman who will be inconsistent and yo-yo.

[noel2]

See, that's the problem and the reason it keeps going on, this yo yo thing, they usually AREN'T aware they are yo yoing you along, I mean of course they know they are in the wrong, unless they have no conscience at all. Here's the deal, what finally put me over the edge, I suddenly had the thought one day that wow, his wife get's all the good stuff and I get the leftovers, what! The leftovers, I certainly deserve more than that and so do you! Getting leftovers is the same as getting sloppy seconds, eww:cool:

[SteveS]

haha! Yeah I've always thought breadcrumbs but sloppy seconds is a more suitable and accurate term.

 

my xMW knows full well she is inconsistent and yo-yo's. I once asked her in a calm moment how she could be such a bitch when only the day before we'd had a romantic passionate day together. She apologised and said having such perfect days made her feel so guilty and angry that she took it out on me. That she loved me but hated the affair.

 

Nonetheless - unless they actually leave their husbands / wives etc then we are just getting crumbs. Sloppy seconds I mean and do deserve better. Even if we are stupid enough to take them back time and time again.

[noel2]

So, are you going to go back to her, or should I say let her come back to you, since you're the single one and really the one that calls the shots. You do realize you have all the "power"?

[SteveS]

Well thats my point. Re-reading my thread you can see a month ago I hated her more than I've ever hated anyone else. 2 weeks ago I was happy and utterly indifferent to her..not angry...just indifferent. Yet all it took was random encounter and all that hate, all that indifference vanished and even though I knew the last thing I'd want to do was ride the roller coaster I know if she had suggested we "go somewhere" I would have.

 

And I have no idea why I have no ability to say no to this woman. It makes no sense because other than her I'm incredibly controlled. Yet I know she'll always be as she is - try and come and go from my life unless I don't let her.

 

And it really isn't that easy.

[Circular]

One thing that's great Steve is how honest you're being with yourself, you really see the situation for what it is and what it does to you. I've found the same is for me, when I'm away from xMW a long period of time it becomes much easier to deal with. But, when I see her or we talk I find those old feelings come creeping back pretty quick. I experienced this first hand about 8 months post-A.

 

For me I can only trace it to the fact that we had a very unique conversation style, augmented by our chemistry, we could talk to each other in a way that's hard to duplicate with someone else. I don't know how often I get into conversations with other people and after the conversation think about how it would have been/gone with xMW, how complimentary our styles were that way. I wind up thinking to myself 'its just not the same', hard to explain.

 

The good news is that you'll be back feeling normal again after a week or so and hopefully you won't accidentally run into her again. I always try to keep my mind in the frame that my job is to continue to create distance between us, even though we talk on occasion. Keep spacing it out more and more.

[SteveS]

Yes exactly - even whilst we were making small talk the other day it was incredibly comfortable and warm...I might have been imagining things but I swear I saw a moment of her getting angry at herself (for doing so?) before she got passive aggressive and told me how much she loves her husband and how she doesn't miss me. Even even during the lecture I could see her eyes softening the way she does when she's aroused...which was when she said she might come back one day. Before storming off. I suspect if she stayed slightly longer we would have done something stupid.

 

Its worrying if all sense of reason and rationality switches off regardless of the pain and heartache and anger we've experienced. It really does remind me of a drug addiction - so perhaps cold turkey is the only option.

 

I need to move city!

[imperfectangel]

I just wanted to thank everyone for all their advice in this thread.

 

I have just ended the affair with my mm and these posts have helped me so much

[SteveS]

Hey ImperfectAngel - really happy that this post has helped you and I hope you're doing well. I was just thinking today how glad I was I came on here last Summer as getting all these points of view from fellow OW/OM, MM/MW, BS etc really gave me a sense of perspective which I sorely needed. If you guys are ever find yourself in London do pop down and I'll buy you all a drink

[noel2]

I just wanted to thank everyone for all their advice in this thread.

 

I have just ended the affair with my mm and these posts have helped me so much

So so so so so happy for you!! You just got a brand new lease on life, make the most of it!

[JaneyAmazed]

Yes I must admit I replayed the scene in my head afterwards and wished I was more laid back and indifferent so when she talked about "her coming back" I could have said that I didn't think she should.

 

Its funny - she's chosen her husband, talking about how great things are emotionally and sexually for her (why even say that???) said that she doesn't "view me the same way", doesn't miss me or want me as a "friend" or want me in her life....yet the moment she talks about "coming back" I get as excited as a child at Christmas.

 

I hate that she has so much sway over me. Especially as now I consciously know I deserve better. Its not love its stupidity on my part!

 

Here's my two cents. Your xMW likes attention. She wants to make sure you still want her, but she will not have another affair...with you. Her marriage can't be "great" if she's flirting with you and saying she's may come back. Bullsh*t. She's messed up. You're in a little bit of denial too. You've never hated her. You may have been angry at her, but if you had really ever hated her it wouldn't so easy to be "swayed" again. The excitement is intoxicating. The anticipation of what might happen is appealing to you, but just remember she has a husband who once again is in the dark about her contact with you. He has no idea she's talking to you and saying she might "come back." The best thing you could do at this point is never talk to her again. I think you know this. And yes, you are still on a yo-yo as long as she is able to contact to you and excite you over and over again.

Edited October 9, 2011 by JaneyAmazed

[SteveS]

Here's my two cents. Your xMW likes attention. She wants to make sure you still want her, but she will not have another affair...with you. Her marriage can't be "great" if she's flirting with you and saying she's may come back. Bullsh*t. She's messed up.

 

Yes I suspect you're right about the attention thing - I've met her husband numerous times and he's incredibly "cold" as a person and she's often complained he never gives her any emotional attention, but compensates that with lavish gifts. I suspect thats how all of this probably started - my just giving her attention as a friend and then spiraling. I suspect thats what will eventually cause her to come back (if she ever does) a need for attention rather than any love, friendship, desire for me.

 

I hate being an emotional crutch!

 

You said "she will not have another affair...with me" are you implying its likely that she'll find someone else to fill that void (or already has) but it won't be with me because of the arguments and drama?

 

Its something that i do think about. One side of me knows she needs the attention. The other side of me knows that being in an affair - the guilt etc destroys her. And this entire I want to be a good person and can't be friends anymore but I may one day come back just confuses me....

 

The truth is she makes no sense any more. And to be honest I'd be happy if she did find someone else to yo-yo with. I'm tired of playing

[JaneyAmazed]

Yes I suspect you're right about the attention thing - I've met her husband numerous times and he's incredibly "cold" as a person and she's often complained he never gives her any emotional attention, but compensates that with lavish gifts. I suspect thats how all of this probably started - my just giving her attention as a friend and then spiraling. I suspect thats what will eventually cause her to come back (if she ever does) a need for attention rather than any love, friendship, desire for me.

 

I hate being an emotional crutch!

 

You said "she will not have another affair...with me" are you implying its likely that she'll find someone else to fill that void (or already has) but it won't be with me because of the arguments and drama?

 

Its something that i do think about. One side of me knows she needs the attention. The other side of me knows that being in an affair - the guilt etc destroys her. And this entire I want to be a good person and can't be friends anymore but I may one day come back just confuses me....

 

The truth is she makes no sense any more. And to be honest I'd be happy if she did find someone else to yo-yo with. I'm tired of playing

 

 

Actually, the more think about it, the more I think she might try to have another affair with you. The void is still there obviously, as well as the addiction to attention and excitement. I was just thinking that if she doesn't get help or leave her husband, she will eventually have another affair based on her behavior...if you won't let her back into her life, she will eventually find someone else. Sorry, I didn't mean she wouldn't want you again. I just have a suspicion is more about validation and attention at this point because of the games she's playing. I hope you can break away from her. I know it's a painful process, but it will get better and she will become part of your past...not the present or future. There really is no positive outcome if she stays in your life. She needs counseling and to figure out herself before she can be a healthy partner for you or her H.

[SteveS]

Sorry, I didn't mean she wouldn't want you again.

 

No need to apologise. The moment I submitted my previous post I asked myself why the thought of her having an affair with someone else bothered me. I know she's told me of "crushes" she's had over the years and I never used to get bothered by them. Suddenly I'm feeling very jealous and paranoid. Very strange.

 

What really irritates me is how justified she feels to act so inconsistently - that at any given time she can be a dutiful wife, a woman having a passionate affair, a secret platonic friend, someone who cares for you, someone who is utterly indifferent, then suddenly declaring her undying love.

 

And the moment you highlight her insane behavior she says its her prerogative. And if I get argumentative im nuts, if i get upset I'm weak, if I act normal I'm making light of the situation. That she can tell me she doesn't care for me anymore, that she doesn't feel those feelings, that she loves and has been ****ing her husband, that she doesn't want to be friends but she might come back as if I'm supposed to obediently wait.....and if I walk away tired hurt frustrated and show no interest and vanish she finds me and drags me back as if nothing negative had ever been said or done.

 

And I think I've always forgiven her and found excuses but now realising I'm simply an emotional crutch / band aid to fill an emotional void rather than someone she ever considered a future with I just can't tolerate her behaviour any more.

[East7]

Hi Steve,

 

Janey gave some valid points (she is a apologetic former MW).

 

Your MW hates to be in the A but she is likely to hate her marriage too. She is messed up and she doesn't know right now where she's headed. Your yo-yo is nothing compared to that of my xMW and I (in length of time). As long as she is addicted to you and you, possibly, cave in it will feed the yo-yo circle.

 

One point where I don't agree with Janey is that she might start another A with another OM. From my experience and what I have read, learned around me etc..(Michelle Langley, MW therapist has written a good book about her professional experience) the MW are kind of "monogamous" with their OM. I mean they come back and forth in months or years but they are very less likely to start an A with someone else. Should they meet another OM, they can't handle an A again so they either nip it in the bud or they divorce which makes the (ironically) 2nd OM the "winner". Some MW return in their marriage but they don't invest anymore into it (Janey, Anne etc are exceptions) and they eventually divorce after X years. Some of them don't want to be anymore with their H or their OM and start a new life to win back the status of "good girl". On the other hand, most of OM naturally move on and find someone else.

 

See, affairs are ironically a problem of timing. The MW and OM might be perfect for each other, still they never meet at the right time. Your MW may (i say may) divorce one day and you will not be there for her or/and will not want her anymore.

 

You really need to cut her off as you are still vulnerable emotionally and she has shown you who she is. There is nothing good to expect from her. Plus even if you have her come back all lovely and divorced, you will have serious trust issues.

 

Based on her actions you will be more paranoid with her than without her.

 

Now I want to give you some hope : there is always someone better there for you. I have met another woman who is AMAZING and has already made me forgot MW. I like her a lot ! When you'll find someone decent, loving, honest, who cares about you, who will do anything for you without having to sneak around, going to another man, lying and hurting you, you will see such a HUGE difference !

 

Ps. I might be coming to London the next couple of months. I'll let you know

Edited October 9, 2011 by East7

[Circular]

Hi Steve,

 

Janey gave some valid points (she is a apologetic former MW).

 

Your MW hates to be in the A but she is likely to hate her marriage too. She is messed up and she doesn't know right now where she's headed. Your yo-yo is nothing compared to that of my xMW and I (in length of time). As long as she is addicted to you and you, possibly, cave in it will feed the yo-yo circle.

 

One point where I don't agree with Janey is that she might start another A with another OM. From my experience and what I have read, learned around me etc..(Michelle Langley, MW therapist has written a good book about her professional experience) the MW are kind of "monogamous" with their OM. I mean they come back and forth in months or years but they are very less likely to start an A with someone else. Should they meet another OM, they can't handle an A again so they either nip it in the bud or they divorce which makes the (ironically) 2nd OM the "winner". Some MW return in their marriage but they don't invest anymore into it (Janey, Anne etc are exceptions) and they eventually divorce after X years. Some of them don't want to be anymore with their H or their OM and start a new life to win back the status of "good girl". On the other hand, most of OM naturally move on and find someone else.

 

See, affairs are ironically a problem of timing. The MW and OM might be perfect for each other, still they never meet at the right time. Your MW may (i say may) divorce one day and you will not be there for her or/and will not want her anymore.

 

You really need to cut her off as you are still vulnerable emotionally and she has shown you who she is. There is nothing good to expect from her. Plus even if you have her come back all lovely and divorced, you will have serious trust issues.

 

Based on her actions you will be more paranoid with her than without her.

 

Now I want to give you some hope : there is always someone better there for you. I have met another woman who is AMAZING and has already made me forgot MW. I like her a lot ! When you'll find someone decent, loving, honest, who cares about you, who will do anything for you without having to sneak around, going to another man, lying and hurting you, you will see such a HUGE difference !

 

Ps. I might be coming to London the next couple of months. I'll let you know

 

 

Excellent post East! Yes, this is congruent with what I've read and seen as well.

 

One thing that I have seen very consistently is if the A is based solely on physical needs, which is less common with women but does happen, then it's more common that they will seek multiple A partners over time if those needs are not fulfilled at home. There's a limited attachment, they may repeat with the same OM but it's not a given.

 

Conversely if the A fulfills a need that is emotionally based, which with women is the most common, then they are apt to seek out the same A partner over time (months, years, even decades later) because they know that person can fulfill that emotional need. In these cases, like you've stated above the OM is a known-known, there's a sense of comfort, mitigated risk, etc... that makes them feel safe and so they return to the OM or keep them stringing along until the emotional need that hasn't been addressed in their M needs nurturing again. This is typically indicated by the fact that they'll avoid true closure, will keep the door open, etc...

[JaneyAmazed]

Hi Steve,

 

Janey gave some valid points (she is a apologetic former MW).

 

Your MW hates to be in the A but she is likely to hate her marriage too. She is messed up and she doesn't know right now where she's headed. Your yo-yo is nothing compared to that of my xMW and I (in length of time). As long as she is addicted to you and you, possibly, cave in it will feed the yo-yo circle.

 

One point where I don't agree with Janey is that she might start another A with another OM. From my experience and what I have read, learned around me etc..(Michelle Langley, MW therapist has written a good book about her professional experience) the MW are kind of "monogamous" with their OM. I mean they come back and forth in months or years but they are very less likely to start an A with someone else. Should they meet another OM, they can't handle an A again so they either nip it in the bud or they divorce which makes the (ironically) 2nd OM the "winner". Some MW return in their marriage but they don't invest anymore into it (Janey, Anne etc are exceptions) and they eventually divorce after X years. Some of them don't want to be anymore with their H or their OM and start a new life to win back the status of "good girl". On the other hand, most of OM naturally move on and find someone else.

 

See, affairs are ironically a problem of timing. The MW and OM might be perfect for each other, still they never meet at the right time. Your MW may (i say may) divorce one day and you will not be there for her or/and will not want her anymore.

 

You really need to cut her off as you are still vulnerable emotionally and she has shown you who she is. There is nothing good to expect from her. Plus even if you have her come back all lovely and divorced, you will have serious trust issues.

 

Based on her actions you will be more paranoid with her than without her.

 

Now I want to give you some hope : there is always someone better there for you. I have met another woman who is AMAZING and has already made me forgot MW. I like her a lot ! When you'll find someone decent, loving, honest, who cares about you, who will do anything for you without having to sneak around, going to another man, lying and hurting you, you will see such a HUGE difference !

 

Ps. I might be coming to London the next couple of months. I'll let you know

 

You're probably right. Maybe it depends on who it is or had badly they were hurt as a result of the affair. I know I'd never want to go through an affair again. I had to mourn the loss of someone I cared about deeply, and it was gut-wrenching. I also had to see my H suffer and hurt. Everyone hurt and still hurts (I don't know if xOM does. He had a "few" loves in his life.) Something about the pain that an affair causes burns you to the core.It's a lesson learned. That's why I don't understand Steve's xMW. A marriage is extremely fragile after an affair...up to a few years for some. To do anything to jeopardize that is just plain stupid. Talking to her xOM and saying she might come back is a sure sign that she is not working on her marriage. It's human to miss someone that was a huge part of your life, but the right thing to do is acknowledge that it's over and not try to drag xOM back again to validate feelings or get attention or whatever. I still get feelings from time to time of missing xOM when something reminds me of him, but I don't use those feelings as an opportunity to contact him. Our actions speak lounder than words, and Steve's xMW is heading a direction far away from mending her marriage. Anyone who is yo-yoing is not serious about her marriage. At least, it seems that way to me. I don't like to judge anyone. I have no idea what goes on in this woman's life, but I do think what she's doing is harmful to everyone. Patience is hard when you're hurting, but through the endurance results in a stronger, wiser person. Outlasting the pain can be done, but contact with the xOM or xMW seems to slow the process down.

[SteveS]

Conversely if the A fulfills a need that is emotionally based, which with women is the most common, then they are apt to seek out the same A partner over time (months, years, even decades later) because they know that person can fulfill that emotional need. In these cases, like you've stated above the OM is a known-known, there's a sense of comfort, mitigated risk, etc... that makes them feel safe and so they return to the OM or keep them stringing along until the emotional need that hasn't been addressed in their M needs nurturing again. This is typically indicated by the fact that they'll avoid true closure, will keep the door open, etc...

 

Hence her saying "I don't want you in my life right now but that might change and I may come back". Suddenly so many of her words and actions made sense. Whilst I've been busy being a romantic fool she's be pragmatically using me - letting herself fall into an intense passionate romantic love when its convenient and then slipping back to her reality when guilt and/or life pressures demand it. And the from what she said above she knows she's doing this regardless of what it does to me. And the worst thing is she finds ridiculous reasons to blame me - something trivial I may have said or done - to drift and justify her leaving rather than just say she's using me which means I spend months analysing every conversation trying to understand what I did wrong when the reality is it was just her wanting to leave; knowing she didn't want to do "this", wishing I'd just disappear quietly rather than complicate her life, but not go away too far as she might want to do it all again so never closing completely.

 

I don't know. After our recent bout of arguments I suspect that emotional connection is broken. I can't imagine that sense of comfort, mitigated risk exists between us any more. I don't think i "trust" her as much any more. Or maybe he knows my recent behavior was born out of frustration and accepts that'll fade hence her comment about "coming back" one day.

 

I have two recurring thoughts - my wonder whether she thinks of me. Its a though born from a romantic love that can't believe someone who was so emotionally and physically open only recently feels nothing for me. Surely she must still think about me.

 

My second thought. Or more a fear is that this rollercoaster will never end. That she'll just walk in and out of my life as and when she feels to do this to me time and time again. And I won't be strong enough to say no.

 

East, you're right I need to cut her off as I am still vulnerable emotionally and she has shown me who she is (well with all your help to translate). There is nothing good to expect from her.

 

Happy to buy you that drink if you're in London but you're going to have to wear that hat

[JaneyAmazed]

Hi Steve,

 

Janey gave some valid points (she is a apologetic former MW).

 

Your MW hates to be in the A but she is likely to hate her marriage too. She is messed up and she doesn't know right now where she's headed. Your yo-yo is nothing compared to that of my xMW and I (in length of time). As long as she is addicted to you and you, possibly, cave in it will feed the yo-yo circle.

 

One point where I don't agree with Janey is that she might start another A with another OM. From my experience and what I have read, learned around me etc..(Michelle Langley, MW therapist has written a good book about her professional experience) the MW are kind of "monogamous" with their OM. I mean they come back and forth in months or years but they are very less likely to start an A with someone else. Should they meet another OM, they can't handle an A again so they either nip it in the bud or they divorce which makes the (ironically) 2nd OM the "winner". Some MW return in their marriage but they don't invest anymore into it (Janey, Anne etc are exceptions) and they eventually divorce after X years. Some of them don't want to be anymore with their H or their OM and start a new life to win back the status of "good girl". On the other hand, most of OM naturally move on and find someone else.

 

See, affairs are ironically a problem of timing. The MW and OM might be perfect for each other, still they never meet at the right time. Your MW may (i say may) divorce one day and you will not be there for her or/and will not want her anymore.

 

You really need to cut her off as you are still vulnerable emotionally and she has shown you who she is. There is nothing good to expect from her. Plus even if you have her come back all lovely and divorced, you will have serious trust issues.

 

Based on her actions you will be more paranoid with her than without her.

 

Now I want to give you some hope : there is always someone better there for you. I have met another woman who is AMAZING and has already made me forgot MW. I like her a lot ! When you'll find someone decent, loving, honest, who cares about you, who will do anything for you without having to sneak around, going to another man, lying and hurting you, you will see such a HUGE difference !

 

Ps. I might be coming to London the next couple of months. I'll let you know

 

 

By the way, East...yay for you finding an amazing woman!!!:love:

[SteveS]

You're probably right. Maybe it depends on who it is or had badly they were hurt as a result of the affair. I know I'd never want to go through an affair again. I had to mourn the loss of someone I cared about deeply, and it was gut-wrenching. I also had to see my H suffer and hurt. Everyone hurt and still hurts (I don't know if xOM does. He had a "few" loves in his life.) Something about the pain that an affair causes burns you to the core.It's a lesson learned. That's why I don't understand Steve's xMW. A marriage is extremely fragile after an affair...up to a few years for some. To do anything to jeopardize that is just plain stupid. Talking to her xOM and saying she might come back is a sure sign that she is not working on her marriage. It's human to miss someone that was a huge part of your life, but the right thing to do is acknowledge that it's over and not try to drag xOM back again to validate feelings or get attention or whatever. I still get feelings from time to time of missing xOM when something reminds me of him, but I don't use those feelings as an opportunity to contact him. Our actions speak lounder than words, and Steve's xMW is heading a direction far away from mending her marriage. Anyone who is yo-yoing is not serious about her marriage. At least, it seems that way to me. I don't like to judge anyone. I have no idea what goes on in this woman's life, but I do think what she's doing is harmful to everyone. Patience is hard when you're hurting, but through the endurance results in a stronger, wiser person. Outlasting the pain can be done, but contact with the xOM or xMW seems to slow the process down.

 

I think my xMW is an incredibly pragmatic creature. She once told me she loved her H but saw him like a controlling father figure rather than equal partner. That love, intimacy, sex were always on his terms. That "we" had the relationship she wished she had. However her priority is and will always be her family. The key to making her family work is keeping her husband happy and being there for him however he needs and wants her. That I distract / prevent her from that and that makes her family suffer. Which makes her feel guilty. That guilt makes her hate "us" which in turn makes her hate me. That stops her justifying us and makes her focus her attentions on her H, leaving me in whatever ditch she dumped me in. But the reality is knows she's not happy with her H, and when we've been on breaks she's found herself drawn to other men who paid attention to her. She never acted on it so she tells me but she knows she's not satisfied. And I think that builds up over time. She honestly thinks she's selfless tirelessly working at her marriage and family and deserves some happiness so will then come back to me. And so the cycle begins again.

 

I suddenly feel sorry for her H.

 

And you're right she is doing harm to everyone. Including herself.

[JaneyAmazed]

I think my xMW is an incredibly pragmatic creature. She once told me she loved her H but saw him like a controlling father figure rather than equal partner. That love, intimacy, sex were always on his terms. That "we" had the relationship she wished she had. However her priority is and will always be her family. The key to making her family work is keeping her husband happy and being there for him however he needs and wants her. That I distract / prevent her from that and that makes her family suffer. Which makes her feel guilty. That guilt makes her hate "us" which in turn makes her hate me. That stops her justifying us and makes her focus her attentions on her H, leaving me in whatever ditch she dumped me in. But the reality is knows she's not happy with her H, and when we've been on breaks she's found herself drawn to other men who paid attention to her. She never acted on it so she tells me but she knows she's not satisfied. And I think that builds up over time. She honestly thinks she's selfless tirelessly working at her marriage and family and deserves some happiness so will then come back to me. And so the cycle begins again.

 

I suddenly feel sorry for her H.

 

And you're right she is doing harm to everyone. Including herself.

 

 

Mostly herself. One important thing I've learned this year is that I know now what I'm not willing to settle for in a marriage. My H and I have communicated a lot this year about our expectations of each other. I used to adapt to his way (as it seems your xMW has done) but obviously it left me in a bad place. Now, as I see it, our marriage is worth fighting for and recontructing. It has to be a partnership, not one partner controlling the other. My H loved me, but everything we did was on his terms. I felt unvalidated and unimportant in our marraige. We can never go back to way things were. Your xMW's marriage sounds as unhealthy as mine was. I'm not blaming my H for my affair. I'm blaming my stupidity and willingness to adapt to a marriage that was making me unhappy. I blame myself for not seeing how dysfuctional our marriage was until it was too late. Then I go and do something destructive by trying to make myself happy with xOM. My point is if your xMW and her H don't make the changes necessary to help her feel like she wants to be there, she needs to respect him enough to leave him. Staying with him because "family is priority" is a crock. It makes her still vunerable to an affair. If nothing changes in their marriage, she will continue to find a way to fill that void. So she contradicts herself. You can't make "family a priority" and keep the door open to possible affair. She is not making family priority. She is fooling herself. Besides all that, her life shouldn't be your concern anymore anyway. She needs help. She will be no good to anyone until she does. Let her go, and live your life.

[SteveS]

Mostly herself. One important thing I've learned this year is that I know now what I'm not willing to settle for in a marriage. My H and I have communicated a lot this year about our expectations of each other. I used to adapt to his way (as it seems your xMW has done) but obviously it left me in a bad place. Now, as I see it, our marriage is worth fighting for and recontructing. It has to be a partnership, not one partner controlling the other. My H loved me, but everything we did was on his terms. I felt unvalidated and unimportant in our marraige. We can never go back to way things were. Your xMW's marriage sounds as unhealthy as mine was. I'm not blaming my H for my affair. I'm blaming my stupidity and willingness to adapt to a marriage that was making me unhappy. I blame myself for not seeing how dysfuctional our marriage was until it was too late. Then I go and do something destructive by trying to make myself happy with xOM. My point is if your xMW and her H don't make the changes necessary to help her feel like she wants to be there, she needs to respect him enough to leave him. Staying with him because "family is priority" is a crock. It makes her still vunerable to an affair. If nothing changes in their marriage, she will continue to find a way to fill that void. So she contradicts herself. You can't make "family a priority" and keep the door open to possible affair. She is not making family priority. She is fooling herself. Besides all that, her life shouldn't be your concern anymore anyway. She needs help. She will be no good to anyone until she does. Let her go, and live your life.

 

You're right its not my concern anymore, but it helps me understand her actions. I think the lack of understanding and consistency has been the biggest challenge to me. Call me old fashioned but I just couldn't understand how someone could be romantic and loving one moment and cold and distant another. Actually what you wrote was useful as it helped me understand something you said when we last met

 

That she doesn't hate me. That she is desperately trying to be a good person. That she believes that we can only be lovers or apart. I sat and agreed. She then said she doesn't see me 'that way' any more, that she is so happy with her husband on an emotional and sexual level. That she can't be have me in her life. I just nodded and smiled and said 'fair enough'.

 

Then she looked at me with her seductive eyes and said though she has no desire to be friends right now (I assume she meant lovers) things may change. That I should leave her alone until she comes back.

 

I really do think she wants to fix her marriage hence the comment about being happy on an emotional and physical level. I don't think she was being cruel. I think she was justifying her life to her self. But I think she knows it may not work hence the comment about coming back.

 

Okay now I feel sorry for her!

 

So tell me Janey. Were you using your OM or did you love him, and if so do you still love him?

[JaneyAmazed]

You're right its not my concern anymore, but it helps me understand her actions. I think the lack of understanding and consistency has been the biggest challenge to me. Call me old fashioned but I just couldn't understand how someone could be romantic and loving one moment and cold and distant another. Actually what you wrote was useful as it helped me understand something you said when we last met

 

That she doesn't hate me. That she is desperately trying to be a good person. That she believes that we can only be lovers or apart. I sat and agreed. She then said she doesn't see me 'that way' any more, that she is so happy with her husband on an emotional and sexual level. That she can't be have me in her life. I just nodded and smiled and said 'fair enough'.

 

Then she looked at me with her seductive eyes and said though she has no desire to be friends right now (I assume she meant lovers) things may change. That I should leave her alone until she comes back.

 

 

I really do think she wants to fix her marriage hence the comment about being happy on an emotional and physical level. I don't think she was being cruel. I think she was justifying her life to her self. But I think she knows it may not work hence the comment about coming back.

 

Okay now I feel sorry for her!

 

So tell me Janey. Were you using your OM or did you love him, and if so do you still love him?

 

Using him?! No! Didn't you read my other posts. :eek:I grieved and grieved and grieved. I still cry from time to time. He became my only source of happiness for almost half a year. I fell deeply in love with him. That's what made it so hard to leave him. I knew I couldn't do it by myself so I confessed to my H. It forced me stay away from xOM so I could work on my marriage. I saw my marriage crumling before me, and I knew I had to stop trying to live two lives. Just so you know, xOM was married too but separated. He was separated because he had an affair a few years ago. I think he loved me, but he said he "loved" several women at one time. You and East seem to have genuinely loved your xMW to the point of wanting them all to your self. I'm not sure how genuine my xOM was. My xOM and I always knew from the beginning I couldn't leave my H and he was still hiding me from his estranged wife. So our situation was a little different. Still, you can't control your heart. I didn't want to love him, but I did. Grieving the loss of him and trying to fix my marriage have made this year the most challenging of my life. I do love my H though. He loves me like no one has ever loved me. He's stuck with me through it all.

[JaneyAmazed]

 

I really do think she wants to fix her marriage hence the comment about being happy on an emotional and physical level. I don't think she was being cruel. I think she was justifying her life to her self. But I think she knows it may not work hence the comment about coming back.

 

 

Steve, I forgot to say that you are very wise to see this. The best way you could help her is to stop her from communicating with you unless she actually leaves her H. Otherwise, who knows how long she will yo-yo. You have the power to stop the yo-yo. It takes two.