Stay with a selfish drunk partner

[Patiently]

New here and desperate for anyone to share their thoughts about my situation...I have been with my boyfriend for a little over two years. Typically we started off great I was so thankful for this guy thinking I had found the "one" We had mutual friends, I loved his family, he was great to be around..I was in Heaven!

 

Fast forward to now or say the last few months..my bf has a drinking problem, he has had one for years since before I knew him. I wouldnt classify him as an alcoholic but he is obsessed with drinking or more importantly being drunk. I have known this and at first I would go out with him and join him in getting drunk. However it has started to really get to me and concern me. He is drunk every weekend sometimes even during the week. He always has a reason to get drunk whether it be an actual birthday/wedding/event or just that he hasn't seen one of his friends in a few weeks or my personal favourite - long week at the office!

 

I have started to become so worried he gets so drunk I am scared something terrible will happen to him and I am in general sick of drinking. We have friends that we drink with but for some reason whilst everyone gets drunk he goes above and beyond and gets so drunk he can barely move. When he isnt drunk on weekends he is hungover. He goes out all the time without me and I stay at home on my own worried sick something awful will happen.

 

I have spoken to and fought with him about this so many times, he always assures me he will get over this "phase" sometime soon (we are in our early twenties) But I am beginning to get angry and resentful, I find I am driving us everywhere because he refuses to drive since he is not able to have fun when not drinking so I either drive us or we get taxis, he never takes me out it is always me driving us around and then he proceeds to get drunk and embarasess me so I become furious.

 

I am starting to feel like a complete cow we go out and I find myself "babysitting" more than relaxing and enjoying myself I am contsantly on guard that he will do something awful in front of our friends. I have also found that is really selfish he goes out every weekend often without me and I only really see him during the week. he refuses to do things he does not enjoy (pretty much everything I enjoy)

 

Wow long post thanks if you have got this far..finally...I have been getting so angry I dont even want to see him, he went out last night and I told him to text me today so we could do something well I rang him at about 4pm (waited all day and nothing) and he said he was at the club already drinking with his friends. I was so furious I told him not to call me for a while and then he promptly hung up.

 

I dont know what to do, when we talk he says he wants to be with me and wants to change but it never happens not even for one week. I am so drained and exhausted from worrying/fretting/nagging all the time that I dont even have fun anymore with him. Should I just end it? I wanted to marry him 6 months ago but now all I can think is that he would probably just get drunk at our wedding!

 

I am finding that my love for him is being killed by my anger and the fact that I get angry and he gets angry back saying that I am ruining his fun..Am I being selfish??

[oldguy]

New here and desperate for anyone to share their thoughts about my situation...I have been with my boyfriend for a little over two years. Typically we started off great I was so thankful for this guy thinking I had found the "one" We had mutual friends, I loved his family, he was great to be around..I was in Heaven!

 

Fast forward to now or say the last few months..my bf has a drinking problem, he has had one for years since before I knew him.

I wouldnt classify him as an alcoholic but he is obsessed with drinking or more importantly being drunk.

That line sounds like your already beginning to enable him, "oh he's not really an alcoholic, he just drinks too much" I have known this and at first I would go out with him and join him in getting drunk. However it has started to really get to me and concern me. He is drunk every weekend sometimes even during the week. He always has a reason to get drunk whether it be an actual birthday/wedding/event or just that he hasn't seen one of his friends in a few weeks or my personal favourite - long week at the office!

 

I have started to become so worried he gets so drunk I am scared something terrible will happen to him and I am in general sick of drinking. We have friends that we drink with but for some reason whilst everyone gets drunk he goes above and beyond and gets so drunk he can barely move. When he isnt drunk on weekends he is hungover. He goes out all the time without me and I stay at home on my own worried sick something awful will happen.

 

I have spoken to and fought with him about this so many times, he always assures me he will get over this "phase" sometime soon (we are in our early twenties) But I am beginning to get angry and resentful, I find I am driving us everywhere because he refuses to drive since he is not able to have fun when not drinking so I either drive us or we get taxis, he never takes me out it is always me driving us around and then he proceeds to get drunk and embarasess me so I become furious.

 

I am starting to feel like a complete cow we go out and I find myself "babysitting" more than relaxing and enjoying myself I am contsantly on guard that he will do something awful in front of our friends. I have also found that is really selfish he goes out every weekend often without me and I only really see him during the week. he refuses to do things he does not enjoy (pretty much everything I enjoy)

 

Wow long post thanks if you have got this far..finally...I have been getting so angry I dont even want to see him, he went out last night and I told him to text me today so we could do something well I rang him at about 4pm (waited all day and nothing) and he said he was at the club already drinking with his friends. I was so furious I told him not to call me for a while and then he promptly hung up.

 

I dont know what to do, when we talk he says he wants to be with me and wants to change but it never happens not even for one week. I am so drained and exhausted from worrying/fretting/nagging all the time that I dont even have fun anymore with him. Should I just end it? I wanted to marry him 6 months ago but now all I can think is that he would probably just get drunk at our wedding!

 

I am finding that my love for him is being killed by my anger and the fact that I get angry and he gets angry back saying that I am ruining his fun..Am I being selfish??

You can live with it, you can walk away from it but you will NEVER stop drinking for him. I grew up in an alcoholic home, in an area where heavy drinking was/in the social norm, I was a heavy drinker myself when I was young, I started my career as a substance abuse Counselor & victims of abusers Counselor. I've lost friends & family members to both drunken accidents & liver disease. I know what I'm talking about. You can either go through the short term pain of separation or live a life of pain by remaining with him. You making excesses for him, you babysitting for him, you putting your life on hold to up with his selfish, destructive addiction is enabling behavior. You are worth more than the life you have in front of you. If you leave he will most likely promise to get better, he may even quit drinking & get help but this is like bad dept or a cheater, he needs to prove, over time, he has changed. Personally, after dealing with this crap most of my life in one form or another I wouldn't hesitate to pick up my toys, shed some tears & then move on.

[carhill]

I would sincerely suggest avoiding a relationship with an alcoholic, and this man is indeed an alcoholic IMO.

 

I have more experience with female alcoholics but I don't think one gender has anything over the other when it comes to this disease. It affects each similarly.

 

At some point, empathy and love must give way to self-preservation.

[oldguy]

New here and desperate for anyone to share their thoughts about my situation...I have been with my boyfriend for a little over two years. Typically we started off great I was so thankful for this guy thinking I had found the "one" We had mutual friends, I loved his family, he was great to be around..I was in Heaven!

 

Fast forward to now or say the last few months..my bf has a drinking problem, he has had one for years since before I knew him.

I wouldnt classify him as an alcoholic but he is obsessed with drinking or more importantly being drunk.

That line sounds like your already beginning to enable him, "oh he's not really an alcoholic, he just drinks too much" I have known this and at first I would go out with him and join him in getting drunk. However it has started to really get to me and concern me. He is drunk every weekend sometimes even during the week. He always has a reason to get drunk whether it be an actual birthday/wedding/event or just that he hasn't seen one of his friends in a few weeks or my personal favourite - long week at the office!

 

I have started to become so worried he gets so drunk I am scared something terrible will happen to him and I am in general sick of drinking. We have friends that we drink with but for some reason whilst everyone gets drunk he goes above and beyond and gets so drunk he can barely move. When he isnt drunk on weekends he is hungover. He goes out all the time without me and I stay at home on my own worried sick something awful will happen.

 

I have spoken to and fought with him about this so many times, he always assures me he will get over this "phase" sometime soon (we are in our early twenties) But I am beginning to get angry and resentful, I find I am driving us everywhere because he refuses to drive since he is not able to have fun when not drinking so I either drive us or we get taxis, he never takes me out it is always me driving us around and then he proceeds to get drunk and embarasess me so I become furious.

 

I am starting to feel like a complete cow we go out and I find myself "babysitting" more than relaxing and enjoying myself I am contsantly on guard that he will do something awful in front of our friends. I have also found that is really selfish he goes out every weekend often without me and I only really see him during the week. he refuses to do things he does not enjoy (pretty much everything I enjoy)

 

Wow long post thanks if you have got this far..finally...I have been getting so angry I dont even want to see him, he went out last night and I told him to text me today so we could do something well I rang him at about 4pm (waited all day and nothing) and he said he was at the club already drinking with his friends. I was so furious I told him not to call me for a while and then he promptly hung up.

 

I dont know what to do, when we talk he says he wants to be with me and wants to change but it never happens not even for one week. I am so drained and exhausted from worrying/fretting/nagging all the time that I dont even have fun anymore with him. Should I just end it? I wanted to marry him 6 months ago but now all I can think is that he would probably just get drunk at our wedding!

 

I am finding that my love for him is being killed by my anger and the fact that I get angry and he gets angry back saying that I am ruining his fun..Am I being selfish??

You can live with it, you can walk away from it but you will NEVER stop drinking for him. I grew up in an alcoholic home, in an area where heavy drinking was/is the social norm, I was a heavy drinker myself when I was young, I started my career as a substance abuse counselor & victims of abusers counselor. I've lost friends & family members to both drunken accidents & liver disease. I know what I'm talking about. You can either go through the short term pain of separation or live a life of pain by remaining with him. You making excesses for him, you babysitting for him, you putting your life on hold to put up with his selfish, destructive addiction is "enabling behavior". You are worth more than the life you have in front of you. If you leave he will most likely promise to get better, he may even quit drinking for a time & get help but this is like bad dept or a cheater, he needs to prove, over time, he has changed. Personally, after dealing with this crap most of my life in one form or another I wouldn't hesitate to pick up my toys, shed some tears & then move on. Of course you won't because you think you can change him or he will "grow out of this", so someday you or maybe your children will be sitting in my office trying to recover from a life lived with an alcoholic. If I sound pretty harsh, you have no idea what your in for.

[Patiently]

I am really losing hope that he will change or give it up, I dont think he will ever be the kind of guy who sits at home and gets drunk by himself but socially he is not capable of not drinking and he doesnt see it as a problem as that is that what all his friends do and a lot of his family members.

 

It's killing me because I do love him and we do have good times together but I think you are right I am enabling him. My parents divorced over my dad's drinking problem and I wouldnt want to put children through that...but it hurts life without seems so bleak it makes me sick to the stomach to know he isnt there anymore...

[confused1989]

Patiently, I know how you feel for sure and your situation sounds just like mine except for the genders being reversed. I always wondered if I could consider my ex an alcoholic too, she did all of the things that you're describing: got drunk every weekend, during the week too usually once, and the worst thing was that she always got more drunk than she could handle. I mean stumbling around, embarrassing me in front of my friends, getting hostile and accusing me of things which were absolutely crazy just because she was drunk, etc. She didn't do much socially outside of drinking. She was real social but I mean she had to have alcohol involved in a lot of the things she did or else it was "no fun". Anytime I told her I wanted her to cut back on the drinking she would get angry and say it wasn't a problem and that she can do whatever she wants to do, etc. A lot of our problems in our relationship came from her drinking habits and the way she acted when she drinks.

 

What struck me too is you say he doesn't do anythnig he doesn't want to do. Not a good feeling is it? I went to all the chick flicks and did all the girly things just to have my ex turn down all my ideas because they weren't "her thing". Didn't even give them a chance or stop and think that maybe it was important to me.

 

Anyway, I hate to be negative but he's probably going to have to lose you before he even thinks of changing, and even then it's hard to say if he will. This girl i'm describing ended up dumping me eventually and hasn't changed her drinking habits and I don't expect her to for a long long time since she's been this way since 15 or 16. But i'm a responsible guy and I can go out and have a good time and control myself even when I am drinking and it's good in ways to not have to worry about babysitting her anymore and having to pick her up on the floor and wake her up when she passes out and all of that fun stuff.

 

Oh and trust me I loved this girl a lot, and life seemed bleak for me too but you just have to give it time and make some changes to yourself and your own life and things will be fine. Coming from someone who was in your shoes a few months back and sees the situation a lot differently now.

[oldguy]

There is nothing you can do to fix it. With all of my back ground & training I would still loose some, YOU don't have a chance.

I'm not callous to your situation or to you bf alcoholism, I am fearful and sadden for him as well as you and I am truly sorry. I feel more like a lion trainer who is trying to tell you to get out of the lion cage.

[carhill]

OP, if you choose to stay for now, I would suggest contacting AlAnon and getting some support and assistance in dealing with your BF's condition.

[oldguy]

OP, if you choose to stay for now, I would suggest contacting AlAnon and getting some support and assistance in dealing with your BF's condition.

 

That is an Excellent suggestion, sorry I forgot to include it. That's an outstanding organization.

[Patiently]

AA does seem like a good idea but he would be completely agaisnt it. In his eyes he does not have a problem and would no doubt scoff if I was to even suggest it. I am young, 24 and the thought of having to stage some intervention makes me really depressed.

 

He doesn't want to change not for me, not for himself he loves his lifestyle and I almost feel like I would be doing him a favour leaving him so he could keep on living the life he enjoys living without someone nagging him. I'm so scared he will choke on his own vomit or that someone will punch him, I am so sick of worrying about him and he doesnt even appreciate it.

 

It is so bad that when we are out he tries to get me as drunk as possible so I dont bother him because if I am really drunk I wont try to stop him drinking more.

 

All this crap but still I feel so sad at the thought of being without him...

[carhill]

AlAnon isn't for him; it's for you. The program recognizes that you have no control over him or his 'condition'.

 

It is so bad that when we are out he tries to get me as drunk as possible so I dont bother him because if I am really drunk I wont try to stop him drinking more.

 

I hope the counselor will agree that this is an alcoholic behavior; it's actually pretty common amongst the alcoholic women I've known. They make it a challenge; that they can 'drink me under the table'.

[2sunny]

Stay with a selfish drunk partner

 

the short but correct answer is:

 

NO