wife does not love me nor leave me

[Empty man]

I am thankful to find such a nice forum with wonderful forum members who had similar experiences and I hope the members here will help me and advice me.

 

I am 30 yrs old and my wife is 32.

 

we met in the University and fell in love at first sight. First 2 years of our relation we had great fun and we were like made for each other. We did fight some times.

 

After 3 yrs my wife's love and affection towards me started going down. Though I loved her very very much. Did every thing to take care of her even if I did not like doing it. Its like, I was living for her. I would cook for her, always come home wait for her, drop her, pick her from home. She was very proud to tell about me to her friends, family, colleagues.

 

she had good career and she wanted me to do business and I had difficulty to start at that age, considering the finances as well. I have tried for 2-3 years to build some business while I was doing some mediocre jobs as that would give me enough time to takecare of her and look out for business opportunities. She really supported me to start the business but these 2-3 years her love towards me has gone down a lot. There is no more affection towards me. we did fight every week. At the end of this period she started hating me and always talk about her dream of having babies. I was too early to understand this at the age of 25-26. Mean while she was doing well at her career. Lovemaking have done down a lot some times even months with out.

 

I did manage to start the business at 26 and was doing fine. Still she would hate me, never touch me, show me no affection, just cold, unhappy and would talk about having babies. But I still loved her. It was one way love for some yrs now but she never want to leave me. I had cried so many times over the years, lot of times in front of her. I asked her what I can do to make you happy or what am I doing wrong. I would do anything for you, But she never told me. I have to guess, guess all the time. ex- If I bring flowers for her, they would stay on the same chair till they go bad. I can not explain, there are so many things. When I say flowers are lying there for a week, she would say, why I did not buy a vase. I asked her 3-4 times, should we break up, she would say no.

 

I thought having babies would make her happy, though I did not like the idea or understand kids. So we got married. she was not happy neither was I inside. Her parents did not like me much but I wanted to keep my promise of commitment.

 

she wanted to have babies. I said I am not ready for it, she hated me more for that. My concern was to sort out our unhappy relation before we bring a new person to life.

 

To make her happy I agreed to have a baby, please note that she was unable to have sex with me with out alcohol (just 1-2 beers/wine). Now its 2 years we had a baby. its more than 2yrs we had sex, its more than 2 yrs she touched me, she hates me and angry with me.

 

I have changed so much for her over the years, my thinking, attitude, temper etc. Every thing I did was about her, for her. She hated me having friends and insulted my friends who would visit us. Over 8 years of our relationship I was not myself and every body would notice it clearly.

 

From past one year, I do not love her anymore, I am trying to be myself, good person who has own thinking, opinions and finally started to take decisions on my own, go out with friends and started enjoying my life. I have a very good business now with over 100 employee's.

 

My wife is a house wife for past 2yrs (after our kid is born)(she has a maid and someone to cook our breakfast). She does not want to work now and want more babies. I do not want and she is upset about it. And she hates me more and always angry with me as I am trying to live my own life and she is not the center of my life now. She does shouting to gain my attention. There is absolutely no love or affection. Even when I was sick for a week, she won't even ask me how I am feeling nor takecare of me and no touching more than 2 yrs now.

 

This is my life, sad for years. WHAT SHOULD I DO.

 

my mom says, live with it. try to make it work. I have been trying for years now and it to work, my wife also have to try right?

 

Some how I think my relation is beyond repair. I asked to visit MC, she does not believe in it.

 

Your comments, feed back, questions are appreciated and can help a man live happy life.

[oldguy]

Maintaining a marriage or relationship is a lot more work & requires a lot more time than starting your business did and as with all couples you will both grow either apart or together. If you want to grow together it takes a conscience effort by both of you. You need a flexible and ever adapting business plan;)

Edited June 25, 2011 by oldguy

[Fool for Love]

Hi. Sorry for your sadness. Did you say you do have a baby? If so, do you have a son or a daughter? What is your relationship with the baby?

[Empty man]

yeah, son and I am the father.

[Empty man]

Maintaining a marriage or relationship is a lot more work & requires a lot more time than starting your business did and as with all couples you will both grow either apart or together. If you want to grow together it takes a conscience effort by both of you. You need a flexible and ever adapting business plan;)

 

You are right, it has to be an effort from both. but my wife can get away with out the effort. It has been like that for some years.

 

My question is what should I do in my situation.

[Le Corb]

The first question you have to ask yourself is, do you still love her? do you want to make this work?

 

I was with my wife for 8 years, we fell in love at first sight like you did, it has been 16 weeks since she left without a warning, I still do not know why, now she is trying to drain me financially including my business. Whatever you do PLEASE be careful.

 

If you want it to work, stop looking at the big things like having more children for now, you need to focus on the small matters first to make it work, do the opposite of what she is expecting, when you two are about to have a fight or during a fight take a step back and give her a hug. Since she is staying at home, what are her hobbies? be interested in what she does, you need to reconnect. Try to think what made your relationship so special at the start, and look at it now, and find out of whats missing. Sounds like you are quite busy with your work, I can completely relate to, perhaps you need to spend some more time with her, there are a lot of things money and maid cannot provide, take her out for a short holiday, to the beach, or a nice dinner in town whatever, she may feel emotionally neglected by you. Stop blaming her, she will stop blaming you if she is a nice person.

 

Do the opposite, she will see the difference, buy a vase next time instead of flowers and joke about it! have fun, do not hold resentment over each other. I felt like it was one way love for me for years, I had to look after wife and I could never make her happy. I am still puzzled by what she did. I hope everything works out for you.

 

Give her some surprises, be a part of each others lives.

Edited June 27, 2011 by Le Corb

[Empty man]

I do not love her any more. I am trying it to make it work for past 1-2 years.

 

But every thing is one sided. She can not promise any thing from her side. I have to change all the time to her likes.

 

I am sorry to hear your wife left with out a reason. Its strange women do that, why need to know the reason. Same with my wife, when I ask her what she wants, or what I can do or is there some thing I can do to improve our relation or me. She never answers, just silence or some times.. noting.

 

I am ready to spend time with her and my son. But she is very rude to me when I try to talk to her. last week she asked me to go for a walk. I said I was busy that day. After that she do not ask me any more. Today I went home at 4pm and asked her if I can come with her for a walk, she said no.

 

She will not forget that one NO. She never talks to me. If I start a conversation, she just walks out with out answering and give me a very rude answer.

 

She does not care if some one is present, while she is replies to me like that.

 

Le Corb, I think like you, I am not capable of making her happy.

 

I take her to restaurants, movie's (I have to ask 5-6 times, if she wants to go for a movie, rarely she says ok, she is serious on the way to the movie, but laughs a lot in the movie). I usually take her to 3-4 holidays a year.

 

Now though she angry and rude while talking to me, I just keep my voice low and try to be really nice though she is insulting me.

 

I wish my wife be happy person and not a negative person as she is from the beginning.

 

 

 

The first question you have to ask yourself is, do you still love her? do you want to make this work?

 

I was with my wife for 8 years, we fell in love at first sight like you did, it has been 16 weeks since she left without a warning, I still do not know why, now she is trying to drain me financially including my business. Whatever you do PLEASE be careful.

 

If you want it to work, stop looking at the big things like having more children for now, you need to focus on the small matters first to make it work, do the opposite of what she is expecting, when you two are about to have a fight or during a fight take a step back and give her a hug. Since she is staying at home, what are her hobbies? be interested in what she does, you need to reconnect. Try to think what made your relationship so special at the start, and look at it now, and find out of whats missing. Sounds like you are quite busy with your work, I can completely relate to, perhaps you need to spend some more time with her, there are a lot of things money and maid cannot provide, take her out for a short holiday, to the beach, or a nice dinner in town whatever, she may feel emotionally neglected by you. Stop blaming her, she will stop blaming you if she is a nice person.

 

Do the opposite, she will see the difference, buy a vase next time instead of flowers and joke about it! have fun, do not hold resentment over each other. I felt like it was one way love for me for years, I had to look after wife and I could never make her happy. I am still puzzled by what she did. I hope everything works out for you.

 

Give her some surprises, be a part of each others lives.

[Le Corb]

Sounds like she has completely withdrawn from you emotionally. How long has this been?

 

Are you able to talk to some of her best friends? and find out whats going on? are you friends with any of her close friends as well?

 

My wife did almost the same thing, I could never make her happy, I bought her designer clothe every month, we went out for dinner 3 times a week, during the renovation we went out for dinner every single night, so it would be less stressful for her.

 

You are right she will not forget that one NO, after that my wife would just stop asking about anything.

 

Funny that my wife kept on asking about having kids as well, I said no because I told her that I would like to build my career first and she should finish her degree (she changed her study major 4 times now, not being able to finish a single one), then at the end we agreed to have children at this stage of our lives, even decided on the names, but she left anyway.

 

At the end she was rude and pick fights for no reasons at all, when I asked to do something nice like going for a picnic or a walk together she would say No or I don't feel like it, I remember when I bought earrings for her as a surprise a month before she left, she simply just said I don't like them at all...

 

We went to concerts and gallery openings every month, she was rude and cold to our friends, sometimes just walks off without saying hi, left me there apologizing to people.

 

I am not saying that she is going to do what my wife did, but please be careful, now my wife is trying drain me financially. This is my story if you want to read it http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t275030/

 

Sorry I may sound too negative, I was too trusting of her, now she is taking advantage of that, and asking me to pay her a ridiculous amount in term of settlement.

 

It sounds like both of you think that the relationship is beyond repair, if you think thats the case think whats the best for your son, and take care of yourself financially, protect your company and other assets just in case.

Edited June 27, 2011 by Le Corb

[DDINNYC]

Stop paying attention to her. Right now, you are like a fly to her. Zooming around her ear and annoying her. Tell her that you want to make the marriage work, but cannot do it without her cooperation. Tell her that when she is ready, you will be there to work on things. Be calm when you say this, and say it like you mean it. Then give her a lot of space. Do not ask her to do things with you, do not buy her flowers or engage in a conversation with her. Just keep your distance, be polite and civil. If she shouts or says rude things, try to look beyond the words and understand what is making her behave that way. But whatever you do, don't react to her rudeness.

 

If you think this is too much to do while staying in the same house, draw up a separation agreement to protect yourself financially, and live separately.

 

Obviously, whatever you have been doing till now has not worked. If she has any future with you, she will come to you herself, because you throwing yourself at her feet did not make her appreciate you. If she does not come to you, swallow it like a bitter pill and move on.

 

My husband and I have had many marital problems. In the last three months he has said that he wanted to move out. I thought that our marriage is far from over (we were still very affectionate with each other, enjoyed doing things with each other. But when we fought, it was damaging). However, he had enough and wanted to move out. I fought it and was doing anything to change myself and he hurt me many times in the last three months, but I put up with it. Finally, 2 weeks ago he asked for a divorce, and even thought I thought that MC would help, I said ok and have decided to move on. It hurts, but each day gets better.

 

I have to move on because I have done everything in my power. I cannot force him to participate in counselling if he does not want to. I have the urge to try to convince him, but I do not want to look pathetic. You are lucky, at least you don't have feelings for your wife anymore. I still love my husband.

 

Let you wife miss you. She will never realize how good she had it until she loses it. Once she realizes it, then you both should go to MC, because it is more likely than not that BOTH of you have contributed to the breakdown of the relationship and you both need to work on fixing it with a professional. If she does not realize what she had when you are gone, she will definitely not realize it with you hovering over her.

 

Hope this helps.

[Empty man]

Yes, she is completely withdrawn I think. its like this for 3 yrs now I think.

 

None of her are good friends of me and I am not sure if she discussed this matter with any of her friends, so I do not want to disclose her personal things to them.

 

Your story sounds same same like mine. Expect that, she forced me to have kid though I wanted to concentrate on my career. just did that to make her happy, which it not help. Another difference being she does not want to leave me or at least it seems that way.

 

Now she is not working (she has a very good career), she may do with out a reason once she wants to work again.

 

I bought a necklace for her birthday, she just put it aside, never saw her wearing. I never saw her using any of my gifts.

 

she also does not talk to my friends, visitors to home. Now she hates my parents, she hates every thing they do.

 

Am tolerating all her things because of my son. She protects him too much from me.

 

Sounds like she has completely withdrawn from you emotionally. How long has this been?

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Empty man]

You are right, I was like a fly to her, annoying her. what ever I said or did was stupid enough. I was craving for appreciation.

 

Not reacting to her rudeness is what I am doing right now. It took time, but I am doing it or at least have a confidence now that I can continue it. But this non reactive nature is driving her mad, she does not understand this. I think this is like I am not in her control any more. as if she misses the arguments.

 

Last week I hung the phone of her because of rudeness/shouting on phone. I came home and there was a note to the bedroom door. Sleep out side. I was standing at the door for 10mins, pleading her to let me sleep. She say no. I did not react to it though she was shouting on the other side of the door. Now I sleep in the reception room in front of the bedroom.

 

I do not think she will kill her ego and come to me, touch me. My wife went to stay with her parents for 2 months(holiday) and I do not think she missed me. I do not see any affection after she is back. may be you are right I have to move on, but she does not want to and I am lacking courage. As you advised we may have to visit MC. I hope she agrees to that.

 

I am really sorry to hear that, your husband left though you loved him and did everything you can. Good loving wife is I think, rare now a days.

 

 

 

 

Stop paying attention to her. Right now, you are like a fly to her. Zooming around her ear and annoying her. Tell her that you want to make the marriage work, but cannot do it without her cooperation. ......

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DDINNYC]

Hi,

 

Yes, definitely go to MC. If she does not agree, you have to move on. You cannot force things anymore. GET THE COURAGE. Don't wait for her. You need to also protect yourself financially.

[DDINNYC]

Also, you are still young and have a lot of life ahead of you. File a separation agreement and get counseling for yourself. You will need it. I know this is much easier said than done. I know it is very scary, but do it for your own self. You said you do not have feelings anymore, so move on. If she comes back great, if not, you are at least reclaiming your life.

 

Good luck to you.

[Empty man]

Hi,

 

Yes, definitely go to MC. If she does not agree, you have to move on. You cannot force things anymore. GET THE COURAGE. Don't wait for her. You need to also protect yourself financially.

 

Yesterday, I tried to talk to her, I asked what is that she wants and why she is unhappy. She got angry and talked bad about my mom for one hour, that how much she hates her and how she is not a nice person. Infact every body loves and respects my mom. All my life I never saw mom loosing temper, get angry or never hurt any body. She follows Buddhism.

 

She is angry, when I wanted to take my son out today. She is asking how much money she has in her bank account. Am I suppose to put some money in her account, when she is not working. I pay for everything and gets her what ever she wants, also give her pocket money.

 

Out of a blue in anger she said she will leave. I said I will wait for this.

She says give me half the money I have, I said I will be happy to do that. I was getting late to work so I left it there.

 

Now I have called her and arranged to meet her in the afternoon. I do not exactly what to talk. Any Idea's?

Edited June 28, 2011 by Empty man

[DDINNYC]

Hope your meeting with your wife went well. All you should talk about is going to MC. If she complaining about you mom, really listen. Maybe she does have a point. Maybe she is feeling like you do not really listen or acknowledge he. At this point you both need a mediator. Do not have any conversations until you can see an MC and do so ASAP. In the meanwhile, draw up a separation agreement to protect your assets.

 

Good luck!

[coolheadal]

Don't flash any money around either. That will really set mine off. I am selling two cars to buy one SUV so with a trailer hitch.

[Empty man]

I had a meeting with my wife as I mentioned earlier in the post.

 

1) She mentioned she hates my mom and she now knows why I am the way I am, my upbringing was not nice and she is sure that I won't change. (I never know what changes she wants in me).

 

2) She clearly mentioned she does not love me and she has no respect for me.

 

3) She wants one more kid other wise she would leave me. I said, if she wants she can leave and I said I want her to be happy. Requested her to speak to her family/friends about this decision.

 

4) She need 1/2 of every thing (money,assets) I have & I do not have to support her financially after that. I said, money is not an issue I would give her what she wants. suggested her to take legal advice on this matter.

 

5) I suggested she has/may have borderline personality disorder and she do not want to hear.

 

In the above conversation, I was calm and she was very tempered, rude.

 

I requested her to be nice to my friends, family till we separate.

 

This is too difficult situation for me. Me and my family will loose face now and I do not know how to communicate.

 

appreciate suggestions, feedback.

 

Thank you for reading.

[Empty man]

Can experienced persons help me with the above.Thanks

[marqueemoon4]

Am I reading this correctly? Your wife, who doesn't love you and has no respect for you wants you to knock her up again so can she can leave you with everything the way she wants it?

 

Tell her to hit the bricks.

Edited June 30, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[Empty man]

yes, no love, no respect, no sex from past 2 years. From last week I sleep in a different room. Never had an affair also.

 

Now threatening, she would leave me unless we have another kid. I think her idea is that she does not want to work. My kid is 2 years old and she stopped working for more than 2 years. Now she wants to have kid so that she continue not working for another 4 years till the second one go to school.

 

I told her couple of times to go work as this will be good for her, rather than sitting home whole day. She took up part time work from home (analyzing bad debt) that did not last for more than 3 weeks.

[oldguy]

DO NOT have another child with this woman! That is just SICK! In most states, if you are from the States, you will end up splitting everything 50/50 with her, if your lucky, and of course you should pay child support because she will most likely get primary custody of your child. If you have two kids with her, which is just SO sick, you will be paying child support for both. Also, in most states, if she has another child before a divorce is filed, you will pay child support even IF you are NOT the father & even if you can prove it & even if she is living with the father afterwards. Any dept, including credit card dept, known or otherwise will be slit prior to filing also. If you think this may drag out you may want to consider an interest only loan on your home until that is resolved by the divorce. If both of you have retirement savings or separate savings accounts get account numbers as you are both entitled to that half of that money as well, however, you have to know about it. It's very difficult to go back after the divorce is final & try to get a portion of a 401K, for instance, that you forgot about.

 

By your account it sounds like this woman is a little devious so I would suggest you get your proverbial ducks in a row before this all comes crashing down around you. Generally the one who is left in the marriage, is in no emotional shape to defend themselves & you have already told her she can have what she wants so your in that mind set already. But someday you are going to be angry about all of this, at least for awhile, so don't add fuel to that fire by rolling over. I'm not telling you to be a jerk, I'm just suggesting you protect yourself from a this woman who you have portrayed as someone who probably is one.

 

I also mention watching your back about the second child issue because in MOST cases, a person does not leave a relationship unless there is someone else waiting.

[Empty man]

thank you old guy,

 

I will not have another child for sure. Will not do the same mistake and fall again for her threats.

 

You are right, I am in no position to think about the finance issue. All I think is I am still young and I can make the money.

 

we have 3 small properties(we bought together)(she use to earn $150k/yr when she was working, I earn bit more than that), and we have cash of $120k. I am happy to give her 1/2 of this. She does not want any support.

 

We use to live in UK and now we live in asia as its cheaper and my business allows it.

[marqueemoon4]

if you're still having sex with her don't trust her if she says she's on birth control.. wrap it up yourself because she'll probably try to trick you into impregnating her again.

[Empty man]

I did not have sex with her for 2 years.

 

I am not having now.

[Chi townD]

Dude, all she's looks at you is nothing more than a bank account and a sperm donor. She may want another kid to jack up the CS you would have to pay out.

 

Do not....I say again, DO NOT agree to anything as far as the separation and divorce goes. Talk to legal council and find out exactly and ONLY what she would be entitled to. If she turns around and says, " Well, you promised me this and that." Just say, " Well, I'm taking it to the lawyers. That's what they get paid to do anyway."

 

Dude, you've given her anything she ever wanted, she has a maid and someone to cook meals. She needs to see that her life isn't going to be like that anymore. She's going to have to find an apartment or a condo, get a full time job. She might be awarded alimony, but in a lot of cases, there's and end date to that. and you follow Child Support laws to the T and she'll only receive what the law requires you to pay out.

 

Dude, you have self worth far beyond what your bank account says...You deserve to be treated a heck of a lot better.