My wife wants to separate and the 180s that followed

[tech66]

Hi everyone, I am new to the forums. I am 44 and my wife is 35. We have been together 8 years, married for 5.5, have no children and she wants to separate. For the past few years I have been caught up in self-loathing due to being overweight. When she would ask me to got to formal events (including one where she was to receive an award), I made excuses not to go, too embarrassed to say why. Of course, she felt I did not care. I was negative about work. Yet we had great fun on trips, made each other laugh, and could talk about anything... but we were not good an communicating our feelings to each other. We both have addictive personalities, and as she puts is, started to lead separate lives in the same house. She would stay upstairs with her PVR and check Facebook, I would be downstairs with my tech. At times I felt tolerated and not loved, despite loving my wife dearly. Note that there has not been any infidelity or physical/emotional/alcohol/drug abuse.

 

Last November ('10) I asked what as wrong. Boom – it was like a dam burst. She wanted to leave, said she was unhappy, did not want to have sex, was not sure I was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, etc. I was so, so scared and devastated. I listened to what she said, to her concerns, and used this as a wake-up call. Following some advice form Dr. Phil, I looked inward and decided to make changes. I saw a counselor and both owned and worked on my issues. I told my wife I was so sorry I made her feel unimportant, unappreciated and unloved and that it would never happen again. I truly feel I have changed for the better. I have lost 30 pounds, too.

 

As for my wife, I mentioned some issues I thought she needed to address, the most damaging is how she has so much trouble letting go of the past. This fogs up the present and future. She has not wanted to have sex in years (our life has become friends with few benefits). She believes time heals all wounds while I believe it’s what you do with the time. Last November I suggested she get some help for her retention issues and get her hormone levels checked to address the sex drive issues (she said this was also an issue in a past relationship and thinks it may involve her stopping taking the pill). She never did, and would not even read any of the relationship building books we got. She did say she would stay, and the next two months were the best we had in years. Then March, April, May, and June were good, but not great. I started to feel tolerated again.

 

In early June, another dam burst. We then entered a series of 180 turns. She wanted to leave, wanted to stay, said she loved me, has hope, wanted to try then did not. What a roller coaster ride. It was and still is nuts. We were so excited to take a trip to NYC in July, but I told her (and not to be mean-spirited), that I wanted to go to NYC with my wife, and not someone who wanted to separate from me. She thought we could go and enjoy the trip as friends, which just seemed way too odd to me… fantasy-like more than anything else. We have not yet called the trip.

 

I’m almost done. Really.

 

And now… she is ready to separate but views it as a break. We will be selling our house and getting out own places, but she does say there is a slim chance we could just get a new place together. To her credit, she is now seeing a counselor and has make a medial appointment to get her hormone levels checked.

 

I used an analogy with her a few days ago… because I knew she still cared based on the emotion we were sharing, how she missed me when I was gone for 2 day at meetings, and that we were still sleeping in the same bed, etc. I know she is scared, angry and she says she needs to see if she can forgive me and herself for not bringing up these issues earlier on. I told her I had already forgiven myself, her and was choosing to live in the moment and for a brighter future. So, I told her I was already in the water… than the water was nice, clear of past problems and safe… and that it was ok to come in. That was the best way I could sum up how I felt.

 

I take comfort in that fact I can look at myself in the mirror and know I have tried and offered to do everything to save out marriage. We have a great foundation, which she admits is still there. I hope this break helps bring us back together. It’s as if we have to separate to save the marriage, and it’s extremely painful. I love and am in love with my wife. I cannot help she is in a moment of doubt, influenced by friends who have split with their husbands. But all of this said, I want her to be happy, and I want the same too… and I do love her enough to let her go.

 

Thanks for reading my long story, and thanks in advance for your advice and comments.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

LS conventional wisdom indicates her June behavior was/is that of someone who has met or is considering someone else.

 

My advice would be to continue to work on yourself, cancel the July trip under the auspices of using the money to pay for marriage counseling and invite her to join you. She can certainly continue to see an IC if she chooses.

 

If she doesn't wish to actively work on the M with you, then establish separate domiciles and move to the divorce path. This action enables her to take responsibility for her choices. It forestalls limbo.

 

Good luck and my sympathies.

[tech66]

I have asked her. She says there is no one else, that she is just confused and scared to give us another chance. We had been leading separate lives or sorts... she spent her time upstairs, I spent my time downstairs, and I made excuses not to accompany her to events and she stopped asking. This built resentment in her part and she admits she has retention issues. Our sex life has been minimal, but we're otherwise great friends, love to take trips together, we make each other laugh every day and more. She says she is not sure I am the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with, which is tremendously painful, as I love her dearly.

 

We have discussed out concerns and are speaking with counsellors (separately for now). I have told her I am committed to making this work because I love her, and from now one, want her to truly feel appreciated and loved - always. She says she needs a break from our marriage to figure things out on her own, and I think that at this point this is reasonable.

 

All that said I do not feel there are any infidelity issues.

[robf1971]

All that said I do not feel there are any infidelity issues.

 

If I was a gambling man and liked to bet on horses I'd study the form. In the same way you should read 20 story's from here, study the form and see in 18 cases out of 20 there is infidelity involved.

[robf1971]

I have asked her. She says there is no one else,

 

She's lying through her teeth

[reboot]

They ALWAYS say that.

[marqueemoon4]

I'm sorry but if your wife wants to separate, most likely she will lie about anything at this point.

[tech66]

There is no evidence of infidelity and the has said there is no one else. Despite being a bit paranoid I do tend to believe her.

 

We spoke again yesterday and I did ask if there was someone else or if she was even interested in someone else. She looked at me in then eye and said no, that it was all about compatibility, thinking I am not the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

 

To tell you the truth, I think infidelity or her being interested in someone else would be easier to take. As it is, I feel rejected, trying to think of what I did wrong and how I would improve our marriage if she gave us the opportunity. She says she needs time to think and see if I will stick to some changes I have committed to making, such as losing weight (lack of energy, not wanting to be social and other related matters), which are all part of her feeling we are incompatible. Yet we love to travel, love spending time with each other and are great friends. We shall see what happens, but I would not wish this hell on anyone. It has been a very hard few weeks.

[John Michael Kane]

Sorry man, from your posts, it seems it is a lost cause. What everyone said so far is on point: Most likely there is an affair bubbling deep in the deceptive recesses of your marriage.

 

Most of the stories in this forum have to do with cheaters separating from their spouses because they were seeing someone else.

 

Just file for divorce and protect yourself. Sorry to hear this brother.

[Conscience]

I am sorry to ear all this man! I've recently been true this and trust me you don't want to end up being stringed along for 6 months and dragged true the mud while your wife is having an affair. The last thing you need IMO is to become the safety net!

 

I am not sure what triggers this behavior in women but once they start lying the will lie about everything and anything!

 

At the end of the day women need sex just as men do but for women its different perhaps for years she performed duty sex! This means that emotionally she didn't get any for years and she needs it to.... they all do regardless of hormones etc! She simply became disinterested in you and now she's looking else where.

 

I am not sure what it is called but there is a good read on here that I would recommend I think its called the 360 or something like that....

 

Good Luck my friend

[bigmomma1974]

I went through this exact thing with my first husband, and I was not cheating. It was about finding out who I was and if our marriage was worth saving because I loved my husbad dearly but I wasnt in love with him. He had some control issue ws and that just didnt fly for me. We tried for 10 years and finally had a nasty break-up. 6 years later my ex and i are great friends,, we get along and the children have adjusted even our new spouses get along. It is great. Give your wife time and space, and she may not be cheating as you said there is no evidence. Maybe going to counsling will help her over come what ev er issues you 2 have and afterwards you may have the best marraige ever. Good luck man and keep working on making yourself better for you.

[Steadfast]

Despite being a bit paranoid I do tend to believe her...I would not wish this hell on anyone. It has been a very hard few weeks.

 

At 35, your wife should be entering the time in her life where the desire for and joy of sex is greater than ever. If she had none, it is almost impossible to believe she wouldn't seek treatment. Men often make the mistake of assuming women have no interest because they hide the desire so well. This is something most women are very practiced at; they have a lifetime of training. Many women struggle with their overwhelming need and feel guilty because 'good girls' aren't supposed to have 'those kind' of thoughts.

 

No one can make a 100% guarantee, but my hunch is there's nothing wrong with your wife. She wants it...she just doesn't want it with you. We've never met, yet the sensitivity you have concerning your body and related self esteem issues jumps off the page. If I can see it, your wife is keenly aware. Again, no proof, but my hunch is her desire is directed somewhere else and she's hiding it from you for obvious reasons. Finally, and perhaps the most damaging aspect of her approach is keeping a sliver of hope alive for your relationship. For many reasons that are easy to understand, she does not want to cut ties completely until she's sure what or who she's focused on is going to support her emotionally and physically.

 

In my experience, this is the most painful part to deal with.

 

It is difficult, but you are forced to go through the unpleasant process of finding out the truth. Very few people (men or women) desire to 'be alone' when they can probably gain more solitude staying where they are. This pattern of human behavior has been played out here over and over again.

 

You must find out the truth and expose it. Then, and only then will you be in a position to decide what you should do. Start digging, and report back.

 

You are not alone. Many have faced this and many more will. Get to it-

[reboot]

I loved my husbad dearly but I wasnt in love with him.

 

What does this even mean? This is the most cliche thing I ever hear people say. Either you love someone or you don't. What is "in love"? Butterflys in your stomach? Racing heart? Sweaty palms?

 

All those things fade in and out in any relationship.

[Conscience]

Yeah ! Start digging! You may be surprised what you find! As you mentioned she is often on Facebook, well let me tell you Facebook is probably the worst or best tool to reconnect with old flames!

[tech66]

At 35, your wife should be entering the time in her life where the desire for and joy of sex is greater than ever. If she had none, it is almost impossible to believe she wouldn't seek treatment.

 

Several months ago I'd suggested she get her hormone levels checked, but she never did. During the most recent "bout of doubt" of hers, she said a lightbulb came on... her disinterest in sex started after she stopped taking the pill, after my vasectomy. She said the same thing happened in her previous relationship. She has made an appointment with her doctor and will get this checked out. She says she is not interested in sex at all, not even for self-gratification.

 

At least she is getting this checked, and speaking with a counselor to look into a few issues. She is still not willing to see a marriage counselor, but I hope that will come.

 

Way I see it, I truly believe her being hesitant to move ahead comes from her focusing on past issues, which are fogging up her present and future thoughts on out relationship. Working individually and together can help clear the fog and help us both move forward to a much happier marriage. We have a strong foundation and friendship... it's a start but I hope it's enough. It has been a hellish last few weeks.

[Surfer203]

About the "I love but not in love with you" BS - it is stupid.. just as you mentioned, your level of passion for each other fluctuates over time, that is competely normal. If you look to deeply into it, it can send you further apart (I mean, on her end)

 

Regarding the hormone thing.. you never know. My wife left me after being off of her birth control for a month. We were doing great, both very happy and all of sudden she loses it, leaves me for another man. She comes back after 2 months saying she made a huge mistake. My wife would not believe that it could be a possibility. I always thought it could have contributed!

[Chi townD]

I don't know man. I tend to agree with most of the posters in here. I've read a lot of threads where guys would say, "She would never cheat on me" come back and say, "I can't believe she cheated on me." For your own piece of mind. I would go through the phone bill for the last couple of months and see if there are any phone numbers or texts from numbers that you don't recongize. I would put a keylogger on the home computer to track conversations and who's she e-mailing. Some people feel that snooping is wrong, but I tend to believe that you have every right to know what's going on in your marriage.

 

If your snooping turns up nothing, then no harm; no foul. But, if it does, then you have a lot more to worry about, and it would explain a lot.

[tech66]

If your snooping turns up nothing, then no harm; no foul. But, if it does, then you have a lot more to worry about, and it would explain a lot.

 

No thanks. I'm going to take the high road on this one. There is no evidence of infidelity and I trust my wife. I feel this the request for a separation was due to growing apart and retention issues. I have owned up to my mistakes and am working on my issues, and I have asked my wife to do the same.

 

At the moment, we're in a situation where one moment she wants to believe we'll have a better life, and the next she's ready to run. A mutual female friend thinks this is just her putting up a wall because she us afraid to believe in a more positive future together. I am hoping I can help he lower that wall.

 

Searching for answers, I picked up a copy of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and it gave me a better understanding of where she was coming from. What I saw as important by small issues when taking a look at the big picture were actually THE big picture to her. I was able to go from telling her "I get it now" to "I understand". She smiled during our talk last night when I asked if this is how she felt about certain issues, and she said "keep reading that book". She is still not sure if I am the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with, but this gives us hope. One day at a time.

[scaredandalone1223]

It does not mean an affair! When I asked my husband to leave last year because I thought I wanted a divorce I was not involved in a physical or emotional affair and neither was he. The separation that followed made me realize how much our marriage meant to be and we are now stronger than ever.

 

I will say Facebooking in her case can be negatively affecting the situation though. The day my husband left he begged me to let him break my phone. Told me I could buy a new one the next day but he wanted to destroy the one in my hand. Why? Because I did spent time on it....a lot of time. When he came home stressed from work and I sat on the edge of the couch texting, facebooking, etc. it was only pushing us further apart. I didn't have any one person inparticular that I spent more time talking to or testing....no flirting or anything like that and I would often stop and read my husband something I was reading or typing or hand him my phone and say here read this it's funny, sad, weird, whatever the case was. He got to the point he didn't give a d@mn about anything fb had to say!

 

SO I guess what I'm getting at is if you don't feel anything points to cheating then trust your gut on that. My husband and I know all each others passwords, etc. but I would NEVER snoop without his permission...breach of trust to me. BUT if I ever wanted to all I would have to do was say the words. If he picked up my phone he can look through any part he wants BUT I would expect a notification that he was about to do it. My husband knows I post here and I told him my user name and have let him know he is free to read anythingI've ever written. He hasn't but he started to and told me this and I know if he does decide to he will let me know not be a part time PI snooping for some grand secret that doesn't exist.

 

Make time to spend more time together and the separation may be a much needed wake up call for her.

[tech66]

Update: Slow, slow progress. We decided to go on a short road trip together on July 1-2. The drive was a bit stressful but we loosened up after a while, held hands and kissed a few times. Before going out to dinner, I said that once again, I not only understood how and why we grew apart but that I believed in us. I assured her that by working on our issues together we would be all the stronger for it, and be much happier. We had a great evening out. Dinner and the talk afterward were both very romantic. I felt as it we were dating again… we were flirting, laughing, and enjoying being together. The next morning she said it was fun, that it was a very, very small step forward… ok to hear, but I was hoping for more (although not expecting an unreasonable solution to our problems). She said it was nice to see we could enjoy a romantic evening out together, and I agreed. We have another get-away weekend planned this coming Friday.

 

When we got back, we attended the same party but arrived separately. I said hello to my wife and we ended up leaving at the same time. Once home, we laughed, held each other and made out like we hadn’t made out in years. It was so, so nice. The next morning we were packing and getting the house ready to sell when I stopped and said it was all too strange and that I couldn’t believe what we were about to do. After a talk, my wife suggested we wait a week or even a month before listing the house. She said that two weeks ago she was ready to leave me but that now she was not so sure. We stopped packing and enjoyed the rest of the day together.

 

I am very happy with the small steps forward, but am of course no getting over-confident we will still be together. I am concerned she may just be going through the motions of familiarity, but I hope it’s more than that. We have been more intimate than we’ve been in years. I told her that the fog that we let come between us and make us feel as if we’d grown apart was clearing and that we were finding the connection we’d misplaced. I truly hope this is the case for her.

 

My wife also said she needed time to feel like “things were going to be ok”, referring to spending more time together, accompanying each other to events and her falling back in love. Let’s just say I am cautiously optimistic.

[carhill]

What's your goal? If it's getting her to let you love her, so far you're succeeding.

 

You're reading books, working on making a fun time for you both, etc, etc. What's she doing? Letting you?

 

I've seen the other side of this as an OM and as a tampon. I've heard the details, listened in on the phone calls, read the e-mails, seen first-hand how married women do things out of their husband's presence. I've also been married.

 

How is her IC going? What about MC? What is she proactively doing to work on the M?

 

'I'm feeling really positive about the direction we're going and I want to continue. I'd like to get some help with that. I really feel it's important right now'

 

In life, in love, just like on this forum, it's about both support and challenge. Such was also a fundamental cornerstone of MC. Getting to clarity and working on it. 'Falling in love' and 'making out' and 'things are going to be ok' can all happen in that environment, and did IME. Clarity about fundamental issues, differences, similarities, feelings and psychologies also happened.

 

Optimism is good. Build on it. If my reply sounds harsh, OK, but I went back and re-read the OP and will stand by it. She's running the show and there needs to be more equity for this to succeed, IMO. Good luck.

[What_Next]

While I wish you the best, I believe this is yet another case of willful blindness. You've thus far refused to even check out the possibility of OM. Mistake.

 

This 'magical reconnection' is likely a manifestation of guilt.

 

There is more to this story than you realize.

[tech66]

How is her IC going? What about MC? What is she proactively doing to work on the M? *snip* She's running the show and there needs to be more equity for this to succeed, IMO. Good luck.

 

In IC, she is working on retention issues to help her let go of the past and move forward. Also says she's discussing what love and happiness are all about, expectations of a relationship and more. She has so far refused to see a marriage counselor but yesterday she knows it will be part of the process to move forward.

 

Equity - yes, I hear you. I've also mentioned she needs to meet me halfway. Yesterday I told her I was ready to move on since I was tired of the stressful roller coaster rides... told her I was crazy about her, but did not want to be driven crazy.

[tech66]

While I wish you the best, I believe this is yet another case of willful blindness. You've thus far refused to even check out the possibility of OM. Mistake.

 

This 'magical reconnection' is likely a manifestation of guilt.

 

There is more to this story than you realize.

 

I understand there's the possibility on OM, but little to no evidence of the reality. No secret trips, nights out are always with the girls (proof of this), etc. If there is more to this story than I realize, than I will accept that if and when I see the evidence. But for now, we've talked. She assures me there is no cheating or OM. I will trust her until I see proof of lies, but I will not violate her privacy as some posters have suggested.

[carhill]

Suggestion: Proactively establish a timeline.

 

'Honey, I've made a MC appointment for Tuesday, September 6 at xxx and I hope you'll join me'

 

This leaves the entire summer, presuming northern latitudes, to 'reconnect' and for her to 'feel good', then, with all those positives going, you can further them with effective MC and get into the nitty gritty of the apparent disconnect which occurred and how to prevent it from happening again. It will also be a great space to utilize her advances in IC.

 

I routinely make dental, medical, and optical appointments six months or more in advance. Do you consider marital health as important as physical health? Up to you. I think you'll find, if you've not participated prior, the MC process to be quite eye-opening. I hope things work out for you