Eternal Sunshine Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 He went to a bar with his friends last night. He kept in touch through the night. He was updating me where they went and who with. Today he confessed that they actually run into his ex. Then they went with her and her friends to another bar. He failed to mention it in his texts. I texted him right around that time and he said that he is "consoling his male friend after a break up". He also got really drunk which is unusual for him (I explicitly told him not to drink much and to have an early night because he is meeting my parents today). My issue is, why dishonesty about running into his ex and hanging out with her? Sure he confessed the next day but why not right away when I was texting him at the time? We argued over this. He claims that he didn't mention it at the time because he knew I would lay awake at home worrying over it. He didn't want to put me through that so he decided to wait till he saw me to tell me. I feel like he lied that night and I am really not sure how to trust him on his next boy's night. He is now sleeping in a bed next to me. I feel like I am disconnecting with him over this and my walls are going up Am I over-reacting? Link to post Share on other sites
Shadesofgray Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 The same thing happened with me last night...only he wasn't texting me all night and didn't meet his ex. I don't know how to feel about it either.....why lie when I have always made it clear he could be honest with me?? I just don't understand. Link to post Share on other sites
joshgosh Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 You do come accross as quite controlling. It sounds as if you didn't trust him on his boy's night out in the first place. I think he just needs a little space... Does he usually have to 'update' you on who he's with and where? Why do you need to text him 'right through the night' when he's out with his friends? And I certainly wouldn't be too happy if my girl friend felt she had to tell me not to drink much as I would expect her to realise that I am an adult and know when to control my own drinking. He didn't tell you because of how you would react. You would have over reacted as you are doing now. Don't worry and just give him a little more space to meet his friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Celestine Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Uhm.. he did not lie and therefore he did not confess. He just told you he had run into his ex. Is he supposed to mention to you the name of every person he meets right away? That's ridiculous. So, yes, you are over-reacting. Much! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 25, 2011 Author Share Posted June 25, 2011 I am not even jealous of the ex. It's the fact that he hid it from me that's the problem. I just don't think that I can trust him. I feel like I should break up over this. Link to post Share on other sites
ivalm Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 He went to a bar with his friends last night. He kept in touch through the night. He was updating me where they went and who with. Today he confessed that they actually run into his ex. Then they went with her and her friends to another bar. He failed to mention it in his texts. I texted him right around that time and he said that he is "consoling his male friend after a break up". He also got really drunk which is unusual for him (I explicitly told him not to drink much and to have an early night because he is meeting my parents today). My issue is, why dishonesty about running into his ex and hanging out with her? Sure he confessed the next day but why not right away when I was texting him at the time? We argued over this. He claims that he didn't mention it at the time because he knew I would lay awake at home worrying over it. He didn't want to put me through that so he decided to wait till he saw me to tell me. I feel like he lied that night and I am really not sure how to trust him on his next boy's night. He is now sleeping in a bed next to me. I feel like I am disconnecting with him over this and my walls are going up Am I over-reacting? Hello ES, I'm very sorry to hear this! What he did is definitely NOT COOL, but I'm a little afraid that it was partially motivated by how you have previously acted. You are super jealous, and he knows this -- I think this made him scared of flaring your jealousy and so he misled and lied to you when he met his ex. However, he loves you A LOT and this is why he confessed now, if he didn't love you he would have never told you and you wouldn't know about this thing happening. I think that what he did was very unfortunate, he made a serious screw up, but again, I think it was done with loving intention (which doesn't make it right). I would suggest you give him another chance. However, you should have a serious conversation with him in which you make it clear that if he does this again that it would totally ruin your trust in him and that it would be a deal-breaker. At the same time, you have to promise him that he can tell you things like "I just met my ex" and you won't overreact. Remember, this situation is not just about you, but it's about him as well. He has to feel that he has some basic freedoms and that he can exercise them without repercussions. I don't think you should pressure him to stop his guy nights since this will breed resentment inside him and this will do a lot to kill your relationship. Perhaps, if you can't handle this you should break up now, but seeing how much effort he put in so far, it would really behoove you (again, it's very personal and if you can't do this I won't blame you) to put in effort in trying to lower your jealousy and make him secure in knowing that he can tell you the truth without fear and that he has some basic freedoms while understanding that one more such lie equals break up. Hope this helps.... I'm sorry you're hurting Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 25, 2011 Author Share Posted June 25, 2011 You do come accross as quite controlling. It sounds as if you didn't trust him on his boy's night out in the first place. I think he just needs a little space... Does he usually have to 'update' you on who he's with and where? Why do you need to text him 'right through the night' when he's out with his friends? And I certainly wouldn't be too happy if my girl friend felt she had to tell me not to drink much as I would expect her to realise that I am an adult and know when to control my own drinking. He didn't tell you because of how you would react. You would have over reacted as you are doing now. Don't worry and just give him a little more space to meet his friends. I would have actually been cool with it if he told me at the time. A lie so I wouldn't over-react is still a lie. Link to post Share on other sites
ivalm Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I would have actually been cool with it if he told me at the time. A lie so I wouldn't over-react is still a lie. The problem is that he thinks you would have over reacted had he told you the truth initially. This is very troubling but no doubt stems from your previous actions. I think he loves you A LOT and if you still want this relationship then you need to walk a fine line of making sure he knows he can tell you EVERYTHING without getting punished and at the same letting him know that you won't allow another such screw up. Link to post Share on other sites
Chocolat Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 We argued over this. He claims that he didn't mention it at the time because he knew I would lay awake at home worrying over it. He didn't want to put me through that so he decided to wait till he saw me to tell me. I don't see this as lying so much as waiting for the right opportunity to tell you something he knew would upset you. Think about it, how would you have felt if he'd sent a text saying "just ran into my ex. Going bar-hopping with her and her friends now." I think he wanted to be able to control the message and that caused him to "lie." For me, the bigger issue is why did he go to another bar with his ex and her friends? Is she friends with the guys he was out with? Link to post Share on other sites
Jono85 Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 You do come accross as quite controlling. It sounds as if you didn't trust him on his boy's night out in the first place. I think he just needs a little space... Does he usually have to 'update' you on who he's with and where? Why do you need to text him 'right through the night' when he's out with his friends? And I certainly wouldn't be too happy if my girl friend felt she had to tell me not to drink much as I would expect her to realise that I am an adult and know when to control my own drinking. He didn't tell you because of how you would react. You would have over reacted as you are doing now. Don't worry and just give him a little more space to meet his friends. this...... Link to post Share on other sites
Celestine Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 The problem is that he thinks you would have over reacted had he told you the truth initially. I don't even get why this is considered lying. No person is obliged to to keep you posted all night long about what they did. Link to post Share on other sites
ivalm Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I don't even get why this is considered lying. No person is obliged to to keep you posted all night long about what they did. He is not obliged, but he was doing it. He was telling her that he was consoling a buddy over break up while instead he was out with his ex and her gf. That's misleading, and misleading is lying. Had he said nothing then he wouldn't be lying, but since he said something other than the truth, then it's lying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 25, 2011 Author Share Posted June 25, 2011 I don't see this as lying so much as waiting for the right opportunity to tell you something he knew would upset you. Think about it, how would you have felt if he'd sent a text saying "just ran into my ex. Going bar-hopping with her and her friends now." I think he wanted to be able to control the message and that caused him to "lie." For me, the bigger issue is why did he go to another bar with his ex and her friends? Is she friends with the guys he was out with? Yes, they are all friends. He dumped HER and I am 100% he has no interest in her. I know he loves me. He offered to delete her off FB and never talk to her again. He cried. The issue is his dishonesty. I don't think I can stay in this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
IrishCarBomb Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 It's the fact that he hid it from me that's the problem. No, it isn't. If he owned up to seeing his ex, you'd be posting a thread saying: "Not only did he exclude me from his 'boys night', he included his ex! OMG!!" (Oh, not to mention they broke up over 5 years ago...) Since he knows how insecure you are, I'm surprised he "confessed" at all. This guy is a saint. Link to post Share on other sites
Celestine Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 He is not obliged, but he was doing it. He was telling her that he was consoling a buddy over break up while instead he was out with his ex and her gf. That's misleading, and misleading is lying. Had he said nothing then he wouldn't be lying, but since he said something other than the truth, then it's lying. Maybe he was doing that and his ex was around, too??? I got the message this was agroup of friends(including his ex) at a bar... Link to post Share on other sites
ivalm Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Maybe he was doing that and his ex was around, too??? I got the message this was agroup of friends(including his ex) at a bar... While ES can clarify but from her statement: Today he confessed that they actually run into his ex. Then they went with her and her friends to another bar. He failed to mention it in his texts. I texted him right around that time and he said that he is "consoling his male friend after a break up". I don't think he was consoling his friend while going from one bar to another, at any rate, a lie by omission is still a lie. He felt what he did is wrong, and because he loves ES he confessed. I think ES is going to make a mistake if she breaks up with him over this, but if she must, then I can certainly understand her. Link to post Share on other sites
IrishCarBomb Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I don't think I can stay in this relationship. Correct. The issue is his dishonesty. Incorrect. Your insecurities are looking to sabotage. You want out. I don't intend to come off as attacking you, but you will be better served if you can honestly appraise what happened in this relationship. It will help your future relationships. I can say with certainty that his dishonesty is not the issue. If you actually and truly believe it is his dishonesty, you will repeat this same pattern in future relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 25, 2011 Author Share Posted June 25, 2011 No, it isn't. If he owned up to seeing his ex, you'd be posting a thread saying: "Not only did he exclude me from his 'boys night', he included his ex! OMG!!" (Oh, not to mention they broke up over 5 years ago...) Since he knows how insecure you are, I'm surprised he "confessed" at all. This guy is a saint. It still doesn't excuse the lying. Yes, I would have felt insecure that night. BUT I would commend him for doing the right thing. He lied to protect his own a$$. That's not cool. Link to post Share on other sites
Shocking Pink Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I'm confused. Why was he texting you every second in the first place? Why are you so upset about him bumping into an ex? Are you trying to reconcile with him after he cheated on you? Link to post Share on other sites
ivalm Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Correct. Your insecurities are looking to sabotage. You want out. I don't intend to come off as attacking you, but you will be better served if you can honestly appraise what happened in this relationship. It will help your future relationships. I can say with certainty that his dishonesty is not the issue. If you actually and truly believe it is his dishonesty, you will repeat this same pattern in future relationships. I do not fully agree with you. I think ES is definitely self-destructive in her relationships but what he did is wrong. I think ES now has an opportunity to grow beyond her usual self and learn to forgive him and reassure him that he can tell her everything without fear of a freak-out. I think this may strengthen their relationship, and I'm convinced from all her previous posts that he loves her and can be a good long term partner for ES. Again, if she can't grow then she will have to break up and loose what is probably one of her better chances for true love, however, the guy definitely gave her some reason to dump him (again, everyone makes mistakes, and we shouldn't expect a person to be a perfect saint). Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I don't see this as lying. I think he omitted to tell you this because he figured that if he texted you telling he had met his ex, you would totally freak out (which I suspect is correct?). So, he was out having a good time with his friends and didn't want to ruin his evening by having to deal with your insecurities. It is your unreasonable attitude that has caused this situation, is my take on it. He doesn't feel that he can be honest with you, because you make a stir out of nothing. The fact that he agreed to text you all throughout the evening should be enough of a testament that he cares about you. Very few people, men or women, would put up with those terms of engagement. Link to post Share on other sites
ivalm Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 He lied to protect his own a$$. That's not cool. Partially true, but he also confessed knowing full well what a huge mess that would create -- this is an indicator he really loves you and respects you, you shouldn't overlook this. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 He lied to protect his own a$$. That's not cool. No, he didn't. He lied because he didn't want to deal with your highly unreasonable reactions to various issues of your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
ivalm Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I don't see this as lying. I think he omitted to tell you this because he figured that if he texted you telling he had met his ex, you would totally freak out (which I suspect is correct?). So, he was out having a good time with his friends and didn't want to ruin his evening by having to deal with your insecurities. It is your unreasonable attitude that has caused this situation, is my take on it. He doesn't feel that he can be honest with you, because you make a stir out of nothing. The fact that he agreed to text you all throughout the evening should be enough of a testament that he cares about you. Very few people, men or women, would put up with those terms of engagement. While I don't agree with the first part, I think the bolded part is dead on. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 He did lie and that was wrong. BUT given that his past behavior in your relationship is pretty stellar, I think you should forgive him this time. Make sure he knows that was NOT okay though and any other lies in the future will be a deal-breaker. Honestly he seems like a nice, good guy who made a mistake. Forgive him this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts