Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 25, 2011 Author Share Posted June 25, 2011 I agree with you all. I do know he was scared of telling me cause I would freak. However, I don't see any future here because if he feels that he needs to lie to me then we have no relationship. How in the world am I going to trust him now? Link to post Share on other sites
ivalm Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I agree with you all. I do know he was scared of telling me cause I would freak. However, I don't see any future here because if he feels that he needs to lie to me then we have no relationship. How in the world am I going to trust him now? That's a somewhat egotistical point of view. Better ask: "How can I make sure he knows he can tell me the truth." For this relationship, if it's a true deal-breaker, then I guess there is no other way. But if you can't answer the above question for the next relationship, then you will have no success. There is a fundamental problem which is in you, and not him. I think he made a very bad mistake, but he was in very antagonistic circumstances. If you forgive him, I think it would be best for both of you, but it's a very personal choice that only you can make. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I agree with you all. I do know he was scared of telling me cause I would freak. However, I don't see any future here because if he feels that he needs to lie to me then we have no relationship. How in the world am I going to trust him now? I think a more central question here is how will you make him trust you? Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Eh well, I'm not surprised. The way you've been smothering him, he's going to cheat sooner or later. Link to post Share on other sites
ivalm Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Eh well, I'm not surprised. The way you've been smothering him, he's going to cheat sooner or later. I'm pretty sure he didn't cheat on her... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 25, 2011 Author Share Posted June 25, 2011 Eh well, I'm not surprised. The way you've been smothering him, he's going to cheat sooner or later. He hasn't cheated. Absolutely nothing happened - except him lying to me about seeing her. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 For once, I totally agree with you, ES. This guy has seemed like a Saint from Day 1... that he's able to put up with your antics has been amazing. HOWEVER, his over-the-top declarations of love have concerned me from the get go. When you added to your other thread last night that all his friends are womanizers and players, additional flags went up. He was telling you that he was consoling a male friend about his break up, and having a great time... all while hanging out with his ex and her girlfriends. I know it's easy for everyone to just say you're being too controlling and that he only lied because he knew you'd be upset because you're insecure... but I think he would have lied even to the most secure person in the world, because hanging out with your womanizer friends drunk at a bar with your ex girlfriend isn't exactly a kosher thing to do when you're in a relationship. And he knows it. Part of me wonders, though, if he's doing this to get out of the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 He hasn't cheated. Absolutely nothing happened - except him lying to me about seeing her. He's going to though. He's going to rebel in some form or another. The way you've been smothering him, it's just a matter of time. I don't know how he puts up with you. Either change your ways or prepare yourself for a breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 He hasn't cheated. Absolutely nothing happened - except him lying to me about seeing her. How do you know that he didn't? I mean that sincerely. If he lied about simply seeing her AND FOLLOWING HER AND HANGING OUT WITH HER, why wouldn't he lie about something more serious? Like cheating? Running into an ex isn't worth crying over, and yet he did. He feels reeeeeeeeally guilty, and I doubt it's just about seeing her. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I really don't think she's overreacting here... So weird to say that. But I really don't think she is. Link to post Share on other sites
joshgosh Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Can I ask why you would want to text someone throughout the night if they are out with their friend/s? It just seems very strange. Not a sign of a healthy relationship. Maybe it's for the best that you break up. You don't sound suited. Link to post Share on other sites
Cracker Jack Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Clearly you don't need to be in a relationship. Just the way I see it. You haven't been the most honest person yourself. If you're ready to end the relationship over this, then it was never strong to begin with. Your topics fluctuate weekly so much to the point where it's sad. Link to post Share on other sites
joshgosh Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Just read your thread asking if it's normal to for a bf to have boy's nights out. You clearly can not cope with your boyfriend having a life that doesn't always have to include you. He KNOWS this. That's why he didn't tell you about seeing his ex. You need to leave this relationship, take time out to sort out your jealousy issues and then go out dating again. Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 For once, I totally agree with you, ES. This guy has seemed like a Saint from Day 1... that he's able to put up with your antics has been amazing. HOWEVER, his over-the-top declarations of love have concerned me from the get go. When you added to your other thread last night that all his friends are womanizers and players, additional flags went up. He was telling you that he was consoling a male friend about his break up, and having a great time... all while hanging out with his ex and her girlfriends. I know it's easy for everyone to just say you're being too controlling and that he only lied because he knew you'd be upset because you're insecure... but I think he would have lied even to the most secure person in the world, because hanging out with your womanizer friends drunk at a bar with your ex girlfriend isn't exactly a kosher thing to do when you're in a relationship. And he knows it. Part of me wonders, though, if he's doing this to get out of the relationship. Well, those antics ES pulled have been taking a toll. She has been a 'ball and chain' and it has been draining. And when her boyfriend ran into his ex, well, he might not have cheated, but he sure was tempted. ES had better think of changing her tune fast. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Yup, this would bug me too. He's lied by omission to preserve his fun night out. The question is, do you believe he cheated? If not, can you remain in a relationship where someone has expedient ethics? Link to post Share on other sites
Arasae Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 However, I don't see any future here because if he feels that he needs to lie to me then we have no relationship. How in the world am I going to trust him now? So.. if the reason he feels the need to lie to you is because of the way you go crazy-train on him for every minuscule, hyper-imagined slight, isn't it really on YOU that you "have no relationship?" It seems to me that you're unfairly blaming him, ES. I suspect that if he HAD told you last night, you would have been posting "OMG he's with his ex-girlfriend! I don't think I can be with him, he doesn't respect me, otherwise he just wouldn't be with her.." even though, from everything you've written about him, he has bent over backwards, done somersaults, and otherwise performed all kinds of relationship gymnastics to please you. If it is, in fact, your fault that he has to walk on egg shells and try to figure out how to break certain information to you so that you don't freak, then this pattern of behavior will follow you into EVERY relationship you will ever have. Why? Because nobody is perfect, and sometimes we make a decision that isn't EXACTLY your ideal. In this situation, it seems like you're just labeling him a liar when really, it was simple omission. It seems to me that he never intended any harm--consider motive, here. Not every liar lies because he or she wants to cover his or her own @ss, as you say. Sometimes, it's just a simple error in judgment--which, by the way, we ALL make. Most men will not be as patient as he is. Just a thought, ES. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Well, those antics ES pulled have been taking a toll. She has been a 'ball and chain' and it has been draining. And when her boyfriend ran into his ex, well, he might not have cheated, but he sure was tempted. ES had better think of changing her tune fast. I'm not disagreeing that ES's behavior with him may have taken it's toll on her BF's affections... But what I AM saying is, if some other gal came here, without any previous drama, and said: "My boyfriend of 4 months just recently told me he loves me, and since then he tells me he loves me all the time with over the top declarations of love, including sending me songs all the time. I love him too. This is the first real relationship I've ever been in. My BF's friends are all womanizing players. He goes out fairly regularly for guys nights with these womanizing players (1x a month alone, more often when I am with him). They go to clubs and get drunk, and ostensibly his friends pick up women. Last night he went out on one of these guys' nights. He texted me the entire time, telling me what he was up to. He told me he was having a great time. At one point, he told me he was consoling a male friend about his recent breakup. This morning, he confessed that at the time he told me he was consoling his male friend about his recent breakup, and having a great time, what he was really doing was hanging out with his ex. He ran into her, and then he and his womanizing player friends followed his ex and her girlfriends to another party, where they continued to hang out and get drunk. He lied to me about what he was doing and with whom. He says he didn't tell me last night because he didn't want to make me worry. We argued about this, and he cried. That he lied really upsets me. Not that he ran into his ex, because I (used to?) trust that he wouldn't do anything with her, but that he lied about it, because if I can't trust him to tell me the truth, what CAN I trust him with?" If some other gal came here and said that... your response would be very different. So try to take it at face value and see that what he did was very wrong, and that ES has reason to be concerned. Very concerned, and justifiably so. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 So.. if the reason he feels the need to lie to you is because of the way you go crazy-train on him for every minuscule, hyper-imagined slight, isn't it really on YOU that you "have no relationship?" Yes, she tends to over-analyze. BUT, this guy likely would have lied to ANY woman he was dating, even the most secure (and probably more so!!), because he knows there's something very uncool about following his ex to a bar to drink and "hang out" with his womanizing player friends and her girlfriends. He lied so that he could make sure he continued to have a good night, not to spare her feelings. The proof? He told her the next day, after his fun night was over. He's living by the line, "Don't seek permission, ask forgiveness later." Link to post Share on other sites
Feelsgoodman Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I am not even jealous of the ex. It's the fact that he hid it from me that's the problem. I just don't think that I can trust him. I feel like I should break up over this. I think so too. You'd be doing your boyfriend a HUGE favor in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 While I think ES is right to be concerned, I'd caution STRONGLY against any rash judgments or decisions right now. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Lying is an attractive option when something minor is going on that your mate is going to treat as major. It was a bit of a can't-win situation for him. No matter what he says, he loses. The one thing he could have done to keep the peace with you would be to remove himself from the situation altogether. But for a guy who wants to live life as a man, it's not right to measure every situation based on what your woman might think of it. You must choose for yourself and trust your own judgment. But what do you do when you're pretty sure your mate doesn't really trust you or your judgment? Particularly if she's someone you really care for? This is evidence that he feels he's on eggshells with you. Not that he cheated or that he ever would. It's definitely important to tell the truth. But every action has consequences. Sometimes the consequences of telling the truth aren't worth it. The biggest problem here isnt his trustworthiness. It's the fact that you can't really go for longer than a week without a major issue. You say that now you think you can't trust him. What that implies is that you actually did before this. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Lying is an attractive option when something minor is going on that your mate is going to treat as major. It was a bit of a can't-win situation for him. No matter what he says, he loses. The one thing he could have done to keep the peace with you would be to remove himself from the situation altogether. But for a guy who wants to live life as a man, it's not right to measure every situation based on what your woman might think of it. You must choose for yourself and trust your own judgment. But what do you do when you're pretty sure your mate doesn't really trust you or your judgment? Particularly if she's someone you really care for? This is evidence that he feels he's on eggshells with you. Not that he cheated or that he ever would. It's definitely important to tell the truth. But every action has consequences. Sometimes the consequences of telling the truth aren't worth it. The biggest problem here isnt his trustworthiness. It's the fact that you can't really go for longer than a week without a major issue. You say that now you think you can't trust him. What that implies is that you actually did before this. This is an excellent post. ES, read it at least ten times. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 ES, just as I told you before: unless you get therapy and start working on your MAJOR control freak/fear issues, this is not going to last. You are making it increasingly difficult for a man who really adores and loves you to continue to do so. Keep this up, and eventually, you will make it impossible. The choice is yours. Act fast, or risk having big, big regrets later. Link to post Share on other sites
iJester Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 He probably got so drunk, so that he could justify having sex with his ex. Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Sorry, ES. I know how you're feeling now. The best thing, I think, is to just give it a few days before making a decision about your relationship. Give yourself some space--from your BF, and from LS!--to really think about whether this relationship is worth staying in. You want to be sure about what you're doing so as to lessen any possible regret. I wish you the best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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