He lied to me

[ascendotum]

Ok, I just saw this thread after posting on the other thread that Eternal Sunshine started. I don't want to gloat over other people's misery and I don't want to break my arm patting myself on the back, but I really did call it on the other thread when I said that this guy sounds like he has some serious oats to sew. Someone who is constantly claiming that he is over other girls, does not look at other girls, does not want to have sex with other girls, only goes to clubs to hang out with dudes, only goes to strip joints to sample their exotic beers, etc. is obviously overcompensating for some sort of repressed sexual desire and a need to b@ng as many chicks as possible. Call me crazy or chalk it up to 30+ years of experience being male, but I know how the male mind works. If I was forced to wager money on this situation, I would bet that the guy has either already cheated or will cheat some time in the near future once Eternal Sunshine accuses him of cheating.

 

I think this is a overly pessimistic take on this situation. This guy has been going out with his mates regularly for the past 5 years when he has been single (possibly longer previously). If he has only been in 2 relationships in the past then he will have an independent streak and will still want to maintain aspects of his life outside of being a couple, and his friends are not at the stage yet where they will just hang out and have a bbq together. Has ES said anything about his mates being players. She says she believes him when he says sex is special and he is not into ONS and has not had a lot of relationship experience. This guy has been going out every weekend for the past 5 yrs, he’s had plenty of time to sow his wild oats in that time. Its crazy to presume he suddenly gets the urge to chase bar girls now that he’s in a fresh new + exciting relationship with an attractive woman.

 

This guy has been used to hanging out with his drinking buddies for years. He still wants to spend some time with them, and not totally disappear from their lives now he has a gf. He has only been seeing ES for a few months (and I don’t think they live together), there is going to be some transition time, as he leaves his old life behind. I realise hanging out at a bar will mean there will be conversations with women and his single mates will be on the pull, but not all guys are lucky enough to have sexy women come up to them and chat them up. I agree it could be hard not be tempted if you have a succession of attractive women mingle with you all the time you went out, but it does not sound like this is case for this guy. Fits in with his comment on why he was reluctant to have ES have a girls night out. (in her other thread. While I agreed with his logic, sorry its a double standard)

 

I know ‘bumping into the ex’ will be a red flag for some, but maybe the bar he met her was one of their old haunts where they met. As far as the male mind works, a cheater would unlikely mention he bumped into the ex, or would stay in contact through the night or would invite his gf out to begin with.

[keepsmilin74]

Ideally, he should have texted you that the ex joined them, he should have slowed down drinking then and eased himself out of the party instead of continuing past 2am at another bar.

 

This didn't happen, I'd be pissed off too.. But I don't think this is enough to break up over! I'd just tell him what I expect him to do next time (as above.)

 

And you shouldn't be looking up exes on other websites either what if you found him doing that! Geeze... That seems worse than bumping into an ex at a bar!

 

Goodluck anyway, I hope you get past this together. Nobody is perfect.

[Jono85]

Why the heck did ES's BF even bother to "confess" at all when

 

a)"Nothing happened" (which I believe)

 

b) He KNOWS how insecure ES is.

 

Why? Why? Why? It seems like a relationship death wish on his part.

 

It's like a few weeks ago when he texted her "We need to talk." Only worse.

 

he isn't the only person in the world who could have divulged such information to her. do u realize this?

[Knittress]

I fail to see how the guy did anything wrong. He was out with friends, and then they bumped into some mutual friends (one of whom he dated). I mean, maybe it wasn't even HIS decision to have a drink with her. What's the guy supposed to do, say "sorry fellas, I can't go with you all - my chick owns my testicles?" SO NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

 

He even told you about it immediately afterwards. He was under no obligation to give you a play-by-play of his evening and maybe he just wanted to chill with his friends without bringing unnecessary drama into his dude-time.

[ThsAmericanLife]

This is what happens when people enter into sexual relationships with people they don't know or trust, for whatever reason.

 

You don't know him well enough to know if he's the kind of guy who can be friends with an ex and still be faithful. The correct approach isn't to be controlling and grill him for every detail. Or even call him dishonest. I personally don't need to give a man I'm dating a blow-by-blow description of all of my goings on. I do my best to make sure we are both on the same page regarding "rules"... then make sure I don't do anything stupid that will effect me long term if he breaks those rules while we are getting to know each other.

 

Cool your heels and find a way to get to know him better. If you are going to continue having sex with him, make sure it is with condoms. Ask yourself how you'd feel if you were in his position.

[make me believe]

I would be PISSED if my husband went out for a boys night and then ran into an ex and spent the rest of the night hanging out with her and her friends without even mentioning it to me! I don't think it means he cheated on you (or will cheat on you) but that is a HUGE omission. He should have texted or called you and asked if you were ok with him going to a different bar to hang out with her & her friends. I suspect he didn't do that because he WANTED to go and knew you wouldn't be ok with it.

[thatone]

someone else mentioned the obvious but yeah, it's very likely that he's had enough and told her with the intent of setting her off so she wouldn't be so upset when he takes a walk. or at the very least, told her with the intent of gauging her reaction, which we have seen is completely one sided considering she has been snooping on him for days/weeks.

 

I would be PISSED if my husband went out for a boys night and then ran into an ex and spent the rest of the night hanging out with her and her friends without even mentioning it to me! I don't think it means he cheated on you (or will cheat on you) but that is a HUGE omission. He should have texted or called you and asked if you were ok with him going to a different bar to hang out with her & her friends. I suspect he didn't do that because he WANTED to go and knew you wouldn't be ok with it.

 

you're as crazy as she is if you think any man you're dating is going to call and ask your permission to go where he wants with his male friends, regardless of who they run into that goes along with them.

 

husband? maybe you get an admission after the fact

fiance? maybe you get an admission after the fact

dating? not a chance of getting anything resembling a request for permission, and probably not even gonna ever hear about it

Edited June 26, 2011 by thatone

[Star Gazer]

The last guy I dated was once at his local watering hole with his buddies. We exchanged about 2-3 texts the entire night (making plans for the next day) before I received the following:

 

"Fan-f**king-tastic. [Ex's name] just rolled in. I guess I'll be leaving now!"

 

THAT's the sort of communication I would expect from a BF who allegedly dumped his ex, and doesn't like her at all, and ran into her out at a bar. Not a crying "confession" the next day that he not only ran into her, but followed her to the next bar.

[Ruby Slippers]

I would be PISSED if my husband went out for a boys night and then ran into an ex and spent the rest of the night hanging out with her and her friends without even mentioning it to me! I don't think it means he cheated on you (or will cheat on you) but that is a HUGE omission. He should have texted or called you and asked if you were ok with him going to a different bar to hang out with her & her friends. I suspect he didn't do that because he WANTED to go and knew you wouldn't be ok with it.

Are you crazy? He's not YOUR CHILD. He's a GROWN MAN who can make his own decisions.

[Woggle]

Being in this relationship must be like walking a tightrope for him. It's a small world and sometimes you run into people but if he really were planning anything wrong he would have never told you. Do you expect him to just sit at home staring at the walls whenever he is not with you?

[keepsmilin74]

husband is different, yeah I'm with make me believe on that one.

4 months dating, this is still ground setting stage and stuff like this happens, you can get over it and make a strong relationship.

[nothappyjan]

wow was just was reading this article on relationship red flags at the same time as checking LS and it seems points 1,2 and 4 apply here

 

http://www.eharmony.com.au/relationship-advice/relationships/2011/05/five-relationship-red-flags

[P&R]

wow was just was reading this article on relationship red flags at the same time as checking LS and it seems points 1,2 and 4 apply here

 

http://www.eharmony.com.au/relationship-advice/relationships/2011/05/five-relationship-red-flags

Before you make any rash decisions/thoughts based off of this article Ocean Girl:

 

1. Their ex is still in the picture

 

We cannot conclusively say that his ex is still in the picture. For all we know he could have just ran into her at a bar. We don't know much.

 

2. You catch out their lies

 

Did he lie? I didn't follow her whole thread. I ask "did he lie?" because he could have been helping his friend get through a break up. All of the sudden a group walks in and BOOM it's his ex and her group of friends.

 

4. You can’t stand their friends

I don't know anything about his group of friends.

 

Ocean Girl... I know about you and your anxiety's because, I myself am like that now, though to a lesser extent. This is no reason to end a perfectly good relationship. This man is special; I don't see very many of his character. He sounds extremely kind, and he has shown that he is very patient, a rare trait. Not only that-- but he loves you. Even though he omitted the fact he was with his EX I believe he did it for the very reason he said. Your man probably thought it was the most rational way to go about it. He also came straight to you ES.

 

Look-- before this event he has not given you any reason to doubt him. Why start doubting him now? I would be mad, however I wouldn't dump somebody that I love over a hiccup like this. Don't let you anxiety's cost you a good relationship, ES.

[threebyfate]

There's something self-centered and weak about someone who's got expedient relationship ethics. The flag's up, ES.

 

Not sure you should break up with him over this but keep your eyes and ears open.

[Pianiste]

Wow, some of you guys are really over reacting. I can totally understand he didn't want to tell you he met his ex via a text message. I've read some of your previous threads and you do make pretty rash conclusions on stuff like that and I'm pretty sure he knows that as well. Besides that I applaud him for immidiately telling you the next morning. It really wouldn't have done much good if he had messaged you instead, especially with the possibility there that you might've taken it the wrong way.

 

Go read this thread you made to remember how this guy makes you feel! (And not to mention the patience he has had with you) -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t283449/

[make me believe]

Are you crazy? He's not YOUR CHILD. He's a GROWN MAN who can make his own decisions.

 

I'm well aware that he's not my child, thanks. However when you're in a relationship I think it's normal to inform your partner of things like hanging out with your ex, and getting their opinion on it. Your partner is then free to say "no I'm not comfortable with that" if they're not ok with it, and you can make your decision accordingly. -- Go ahead and do it if it's that important to you, or respect your partners feelings and refrain from going to bars with your ex. The problem here is that he KNEW she wouldn't be ok with it and that's why he didn't mention it to her. That is what would bother me the most if I was in this situation. I'm not sure how that makes me crazy.

 

Being in this relationship must be like walking a tightrope for him

 

I totally agree with this... I do actually feel bad for this guy cause he is constantly being second guessed by her & having to try to alleviate her insecurities. In THIS situation I do think he was wrong, though.

[Survivor12]

Fact #1: Unless he told you that he had not seen or spoken to his ex, he did not lie to you.

 

Fact#2: In an earlier post (prior to him going out with his friends), you stated that although you weren't "ok" with it, you told him that you were--YOU lied.

 

Also, have you told him about YOUR deception????

"Just between me and the whole LS, I already checked his phone, FB and e-mail. :o"

 

Do you really think that you are somehow more entitled to full-disclosure than he is?

Edited June 26, 2011 by Survivor12
spelling

[Eternal Sunshine]

He was at my place today and we had a grueling 12 hour discussion over this.

 

He didn't cheat. It was implausible. He showed me his phone and texts with the ex after they ran into each other and spent some time at the bar together with joint friends. Apparently, after he got home that night she texted him "It was good to run into you after all that time!" (she wouldn't have texted him this if they were ****ing then and there). He responded "You too". She responded "All the best tomorrow for meeting ES's parents - don't be nervous I am sure they will love you". Him - "Thanks"

 

I didn't let up on "lying by omission" thing. He said that he didn't want me to worry that night but has made bad judgment call at the time. He admitted that he made a mistake and apologized. I basically told him that I am not sure if I can be in a relationship with someone I don't trust. He again broke down crying and reminded me that he wanted to spend the night with ME but I had a work function and he doesn't see why I couldn't have invited him along. He claims that he doesn't need to go out with his single friends anymore, that he doesn't need any time with them and would rather spend all his time with me. He asked me if we can cancel "boys" and "girls" nights all together. He doesn't want to lose me - that he will never make a mistake like this again. That he will spend as long as it takes building up trust and keeping my trust. He even said that he will ask his psychologist friend how to best deal with people with trust issues.

 

I forgave him. We had crazy make up sex 4 times. Condom broke once - hopefully I am not pregnant

 

He met my parents yesterday. They loved him. My dad is super critical and couldn't find one single fault with him (we had a 5 hour long dinner). They couldn't praise him enough: good looking, smart, classy, wide interests, well read, well mannered, excellent conversationalist etc etc.

 

Unfortunately, even with all that - I can't help but be extremely cautious. My walls are going up

[RovingReporter]

He was at my place today and we had a grueling 12 hour discussion over this.

 

He didn't cheat. It was implausible. He showed me his phone and texts with the ex after they ran into each other and spent some time at the bar together with joint friends. Apparently, after he got home that night she texted him "It was good to run into you after all that time!" (she wouldn't have texted him this if they were ****ing then and there). He responded "You too". She responded "All the best tomorrow for meeting ES's parents - don't be nervous I am sure they will love you". Him - "Thanks"

 

I didn't let up on "lying by omission" thing. He said that he didn't want me to worry that night but has made bad judgment call at the time. He admitted that he made a mistake and apologized. I basically told him that I am not sure if I can be in a relationship with someone I don't trust. He again broke down crying and reminded me that he wanted to spend the night with ME but I had a work function and he doesn't see why I couldn't have invited him along. He claims that he doesn't need to go out with his single friends anymore, that he doesn't need any time with them and would rather spend all his time with me. He asked me if we can cancel "boys" and "girls" nights all together. He doesn't want to lose me - that he will never make a mistake like this again. That he will spend as long as it takes building up trust and keeping my trust. He even said that he will ask his psychologist friend how to best deal with people with trust issues.

 

I forgave him. We had crazy make up sex 4 times. Condom broke once - hopefully I am not pregnant

 

He met my parents yesterday. They loved him. My dad is super critical and couldn't find one single fault with him (we had a 5 hour long dinner). They couldn't praise him enough: good looking, smart, classy, wide interests, well read, well mannered, excellent conversationalist etc etc.

 

Unfortunately, even with all that - I can't help but be extremely cautious. My walls are going up

 

Please put those walls up dump him and let this guy enjoy his life again. I can only hope for his sake you aren't pregnant as being tethered to you would be worse than death.

[LexiB]

He was at my place today and we had a grueling 12 hour discussion over this.

 

He didn't cheat. It was implausible. He showed me his phone and texts with the ex after they ran into each other and spent some time at the bar together with joint friends. Apparently, after he got home that night she texted him "It was good to run into you after all that time!" (she wouldn't have texted him this if they were ****ing then and there). He responded "You too". She responded "All the best tomorrow for meeting ES's parents - don't be nervous I am sure they will love you". Him - "Thanks"

 

I didn't let up on "lying by omission" thing. He said that he didn't want me to worry that night but has made bad judgment call at the time. He admitted that he made a mistake and apologized. I basically told him that I am not sure if I can be in a relationship with someone I don't trust. He again broke down crying and reminded me that he wanted to spend the night with ME but I had a work function and he doesn't see why I couldn't have invited him along. He claims that he doesn't need to go out with his single friends anymore, that he doesn't need any time with them and would rather spend all his time with me. He asked me if we can cancel "boys" and "girls" nights all together. He doesn't want to lose me - that he will never make a mistake like this again. That he will spend as long as it takes building up trust and keeping my trust. He even said that he will ask his psychologist friend how to best deal with people with trust issues.

 

I forgave him. We had crazy make up sex 4 times. Condom broke once - hopefully I am not pregnant

 

He met my parents yesterday. They loved him. My dad is super critical and couldn't find one single fault with him (we had a 5 hour long dinner). They couldn't praise him enough: good looking, smart, classy, wide interests, well read, well mannered, excellent conversationalist etc etc.

 

Unfortunately, even with all that - I can't help but be extremely cautious. My walls are going up

 

 

 

This post is so disturbing on so many levels...the glaring hypocrisy on the part of OP...the idea of a grown man wimping out, crying and voluntarily giving up his entire social life due to a mistake he made to protect the hypocritical, hyper-insecure OP in the first place, the TMI re: condom breaking... I can't...

[Nexus One]

He was at my place today and we had a grueling 12 hour discussion over this.

 

He didn't cheat. It was implausible. He showed me his phone and texts with the ex after they ran into each other and spent some time at the bar together with joint friends. Apparently, after he got home that night she texted him "It was good to run into you after all that time!" (she wouldn't have texted him this if they were ****ing then and there). He responded "You too". She responded "All the best tomorrow for meeting ES's parents - don't be nervous I am sure they will love you". Him - "Thanks"

 

I didn't let up on "lying by omission" thing. He said that he didn't want me to worry that night but has made bad judgment call at the time. He admitted that he made a mistake and apologized. I basically told him that I am not sure if I can be in a relationship with someone I don't trust. He again broke down crying and reminded me that he wanted to spend the night with ME but I had a work function and he doesn't see why I couldn't have invited him along. He claims that he doesn't need to go out with his single friends anymore, that he doesn't need any time with them and would rather spend all his time with me. He asked me if we can cancel "boys" and "girls" nights all together. He doesn't want to lose me - that he will never make a mistake like this again. That he will spend as long as it takes building up trust and keeping my trust. He even said that he will ask his psychologist friend how to best deal with people with trust issues.

 

I forgave him. We had crazy make up sex 4 times. Condom broke once - hopefully I am not pregnant

 

He met my parents yesterday. They loved him. My dad is super critical and couldn't find one single fault with him (we had a 5 hour long dinner). They couldn't praise him enough: good looking, smart, classy, wide interests, well read, well mannered, excellent conversationalist etc etc.

 

Unfortunately, even with all that - I can't help but be extremely cautious. My walls are going up

 

Good lord ES, you are putting this guy through one hell of a roller coaster. The guy must really be crushing on you for him to react like that. You have him by his balls, the poor guy.

 

I feel like you're exploring how much you can push this guy around, like you want to know where his limit is. Men have their limits, even he does. You have him walking on eggshells now, but if you push him over his threshold, then he will sever his connection with you in a way that will make it seem like his heart and blood turned into ice.

 

In my opinion you're well on your way in achieving it, you managed to fire at him for 12 hours until you had him crying. I can only imagine how draining that must be for him, I basically consider that (psychological) torture. At a certain point he'll start to think that you're sucking the life right out of him, draining his soul.

Edited June 26, 2011 by Nexus One

[Jono85]

 

This post is so disturbing on so many levels...the glaring hypocrisy on the part of OP...the idea of a grown man wimping out, crying and voluntarily giving up his entire social life due to a mistake he made to protect the hypocritical, hyper-insecure OP in the first place, the TMI re: condom breaking... I can't...

 

this.

 

 

very sad indeed. but then again clearly this guy is to blame quite a bit too here as he clearly has no balls.

[Queen Zenobia]

 

This post is so disturbing on so many levels...the glaring hypocrisy on the part of OP...the idea of a grown man wimping out, crying and voluntarily giving up his entire social life due to a mistake he made to protect the hypocritical, hyper-insecure OP in the first place, the TMI re: condom breaking... I can't...

 

It's a train wreck waiting to happen.

[rafallus]

very sad indeed. but then again clearly this guy is to blame quite a bit too here as he clearly has no balls.

 

Heh, told ya from the start, that him being sooo understanding could mean him being whipped. Not always true, but it happens.

 

And as long as he stays, her insecurities are rewarded and encouraged to grow. Disturbing image overall indeed.

[Arasae]

he will ask his psychologist friend how to best deal with people with trust issues.

 

Where is YOUR psychologist in all of this? Maybe you should consider couple's counseling--he's going to need a shrink after this entire ordeal is over.