He lied to me

[Art_Critic]

And did he lie? I say no.

 

See.. that is the funny thing.. he actually DID lie to her.. her told her a story about what he was doing and who he was with that wasn't true..

 

What was it if it wasn't a lie ?

Did he just tell her a white lie ?

 

He lied.. point blank and simple..

Did he lie to control how he told her the truth ? YES, but he still lied.

 

I'm sorry.. ES has her issues, hell we all do but if my wife or any other SO I've had in the past lied to the point it hurt me I'd be thinking about dumping their ass (I wouldn't be dumping my wife.. but you get the point).

 

The issue seems to be to blame ES because she has insecurity issues that make her relationships self sabotaging..

 

Are you saying that because a person has issues that it gives your SO a green light to just do whatever and say whatever to you they feel like it ?

 

Obviously ES blows things out of proportion.. but I'm not so sure she should sit there and take his lies just because she has insecurity issues...

[Mme. Chaucer]

See.. that is the funny thing.. he actually DID lie to her.. her told her a story about what he was doing and who he was with that wasn't true..

 

What was it if it wasn't a lie ?

Did he just tell her a white lie ?

 

He lied.. point blank and simple..

Did he lie to control how he told her the truth ? YES, but he still lied.

 

I'm sorry.. ES has her issues, hell we all do but if my wife or any other SO I've had in the past lied to the point it hurt me I'd be thinking about dumping their ass (I wouldn't be dumping my wife.. but you get the point).

 

The issue seems to be to blame ES because she has insecurity issues that make her relationships self sabotaging..

 

Are you saying that because a person has issues that it gives your SO a green light to just do whatever and say whatever to you they feel like it ?

 

Obviously ES blows things out of proportion.. but I'm not so sure she should sit there and take his lies just because she has insecurity issues...

 

Art, if the events went down exactly as they did in my (imaginary, but how I envision it from reading all the posts) scenario - would you still think that he'd done a terrible wrong?

 

I do agree he DID wrong. But a long single guy who has never even experienced a long term serious relationship - out drunk with friends, by "permission" (given under false pretenses) from his fairly new (but committed) gf - faced with this scenario would probably not be prepared with the correct answers at the very moment. Especially since he was wrecked.

 

I have a boyfriend who is an old fart. He was married when he was 21 for almost 30 years. They had a pretty unhealthy and immature relationship. You would not BELIEVE his level of cluelessness about how to act appropriately in a relationship with me. He is highly teachable though.

[Eternal Sunshine]

From my perspective, I would much rather someone snooped on me than this.

 

There are few other things that are coming up that are going to make me super uncomfortable.

 

1. I mentioned previously how I have a friend who is exactly his physical type. He commented a few times how she is pretty and has a cool personality. She will be joining his volleyball team next week. She will interact with him on regular basis (without me) from now on. After volleyball, they always go for dinner or drinks with the team. Plenty of opportunity for him to flirt with her. The vibe between him and my friend already made me uneasy previously. He only knows her through me. I texted him her number yesterday so that they can organize volleyball practices. The whole thing is just :/ especially given the current state of our relationship. She is also super light and fun (unlike myself).

 

2. He is going to go to Europe for 4 weeks in less than a month. Again, plenty of opportunity to cheat.

 

Situation 1 makes me even more uncomfortable than situation 2. It would devastate me if he left me for my friend.

 

-------------------------

 

I am basically not sure if I can handle this anymore, especially since I can't count on him to be upfront about these things.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I really don't think the majority here are "blaming" ES or using a lynch mentality, either. It's just not possible to refuse to consider the other side of this story for many of us, even though we only get to hear one side.

 

Even though I am not "blaming" you, ES, I would always like you to be accountable for your part of things. Same goes for me.

[Art_Critic]

Managing ES' drama is a full time job, and he seems to be quite adept at it. Normal rules do not apply.

 

I get that.. reading this thread alone is pretty tough.. maybe you are right that the normal rules don't apply.

 

I have a zero tolerance for lying.. always have and alway will, part of my upbringing makes it that way so maybe I'm less willing to bend when she should bend.. I don't know..

 

I also get that he is pretty adept at handling her and some of the drama that gets created in their relationship.. see... that is part of the reason I feel he shouldn't of lied.. because as you said.. he is all in and as such he is committed.

 

I guess no real answers here.. just some perspective that feels highly of honesty in relationships.

[denise_xo]

From my perspective, I would much rather someone snooped on me than this.

 

There are few other things that are coming up that are going to make me super uncomfortable.

 

1. I mentioned previously how I have a friend who is exactly his physical type. He commented a few times how she is pretty and has a cool personality. She will be joining his volleyball team next week. She will interact with him on regular basis (without me) from now on. After volleyball, they always go for dinner or drinks with the team. Plenty of opportunity for him to flirt with her. The vibe between him and my friend already made me uneasy previously. He only knows her through me. I texted him her number yesterday so that they can organize volleyball practices. The whole thing is just :/ especially given the current state of our relationship. She is also super light and fun (unlike myself).

 

2. He is going to go to Europe for 4 weeks in less than a month. Again, plenty of opportunity to cheat.

 

Situation 1 makes me even more uncomfortable than situation 2. It would devastate me if he left me for my friend.

 

-------------------------

 

I am basically not sure if I can handle this anymore, especially since I can't count on him to be upfront about these things.

 

ES, it is very common that couples don't spend ALL their time together. It's also very common that they interact with people of the opposite sex, e.g. at work or through sports/ hobbies. I think you need to be prepared for that in any relationship, no matter who your partner is. If things like that make you 'super uncomfortable', it's going to be very difficult to be in a relationship.

 

As for Art and others that point to his dishonestly, I agree with Kamille that he didn't lie. He volunteered the information the following morning, which IMO was the most intelligent thing to do given the circumstances.

[OliveOyl]

ES, I have a question for you: Let's say there was no getting around the fact that he ran into his ex. What would you have wanted him to text you? Can you see how there might have been a less disruptive chain of events? Either way it seems to me it would have been a big blowup. But maybe I'm wrong. How would you have preferred things to have unfolded?

[Art_Critic]

- would you still think that he'd done a terrible wrong?

 

My feelings seem to stem from the fact that ES got hurt by this and he knew she would be hurt but chose to hurt her anyhow and then straighten it all out later..

Did what he did constitute terribly wrong.. maybe not, certainly fixable.. but it is up to the OP to decide how bad it really did hurt her..

 

 

I do agree he DID wrong. But a long single guy who has never even experienced a long term serious relationship - out drunk with friends, by "permission" (given under false pretenses) from his fairly new (but committed) gf - faced with this scenario would probably not be prepared with the correct answers at the very moment. Especially since he was wrecked.

 

Another poster mentioned somewhere in this thread that she should have it out with him and explain.. NEXT TIME you tell me what is going on and this time will be a pass..

 

Maybe that is the answer..

[Eternal Sunshine]

See.. that is the funny thing.. he actually DID lie to her.. her told her a story about what he was doing and who he was with that wasn't true..

 

What was it if it wasn't a lie ?

Did he just tell her a white lie ?

 

He lied.. point blank and simple..

Did he lie to control how he told her the truth ? YES, but he still lied.

 

I'm sorry.. ES has her issues, hell we all do but if my wife or any other SO I've had in the past lied to the point it hurt me I'd be thinking about dumping their ass (I wouldn't be dumping my wife.. but you get the point).

 

The issue seems to be to blame ES because she has insecurity issues that make her relationships self sabotaging..

 

Are you saying that because a person has issues that it gives your SO a green light to just do whatever and say whatever to you they feel like it ?

 

Obviously ES blows things out of proportion.. but I'm not so sure she should sit there and take his lies just because she has insecurity issues...

 

Yes Art, exactly. Just because I have my own issues doesn't give him the right to lie. And he did lie.

 

It's like people here think that my own issues justify my partner doing absolutely anything.

 

And the only reason he did confess was most likely that other people that I interact with regularly were also present. They would most likely tell me at some point. He really had no choice but to confess.

[denise_xo]

From my perspective, I would much rather someone snooped on me than this.

 

ES, why don't you ask your partner if HE minds the snooping less than delaying information? Because the key issue here isn't how YOU feel about it, but how HE would feel about it. Why don't you just tell him what you have done? If you don't think snooping is such a big deal, then it shouldn't be an issue telling him. Then he can decide for himself how he feels about it.

[Art_Critic]

As for Art and others that point to his dishonestly, I agree with Kamille that he didn't lie. He volunteered the information the following morning, which IMO was the most intelligent thing to do given the circumstances.

 

He volunteered it the next morning only after fabricating a previous story.. how can that not be a lie ?

 

Maybe he came clean because nothing happened with his EX......hummmmmm

[denise_xo]

He volunteered it the next morning only after fabricating a previous story.. how can that no be a lie ?

 

Maybe he came clean because nothing happened with his EX......hummmmmm

 

I have already explained my view on this further up in the thread. Even ES has said that she doesn't think he has any feelings for his ex.

[Art_Critic]

He really had no choice but to confess.

 

ES.. your BF is a good guy.. he isn't perfect, like you he has made mistakes.

I hope you both get thru this and get past it..

[denise_xo]

It's like people here think that my own issues justify my partner doing absolutely anything.

 

No, we don't. But we think it's strange that you are calling him out on honesty, when you are not honest with him yourself.

[Eternal Sunshine]

ES, I have a question for you: Let's say there was no getting around the fact that he ran into his ex. What would you have wanted him to text you? Can you see how there might have been a less disruptive chain of events? Either way it seems to me it would have been a big blowup. But maybe I'm wrong. How would you have preferred things to have unfolded?

 

Honestly, I would have preferred that he quite simply told me the truth at the time. When I texted him "Having fun cutie?" he should have replied "Just ran into Helen and her friends. We are all going to have a quick drink before heading home." Instead he texted "My night is going so-so. I am consoling Mike about his break up." a BLATANT lie.

 

I am not the aggressive type to go over there or cause a scene or even to call him and yell at him. He knows this. As messed up as I come across, our arguments usually go without me even raising my voice. The worst I do is tear up a bit.

 

If he told me the truth, I won't lie - I would have felt uneasy internally. I might have lost some sleep over it. But I would actually admire his honesty. I might have asked him tomorrow how his night was and how long he stayed or something. That would be about it.

[snug.bunny]

So....

 

He either lied because he cheated with his ex

 

He lied because he had an intent to cheat with his ex

 

He lied because he didn't want OP to worry

 

He lied because he was afraid of what OP's reaction would be

 

He lied because he doesn't want to feel like he has to walk on egg shells

 

.........................

 

If he did cheat with his ex that night, he's an a-hole.

 

If he didn't and had no intention of doing so, he is going to shut down emotionally, at some point.

 

If this relationship is to survive, you're both going to have to approach things much differently...

[Ms. Joolie]

If your man was out with his buddies, and his group came across the group with his ex... what was he ideally suppose to do?

 

Go home?

 

Convince his buddies that they should not join the group?

 

Text you about what to do, reporting every detail to ease your every insecurity?

 

 

This was a tricky situation and with a messy outcome. This doesn't make him a bad guy, but it makes new terms possible to put in place now for your relationship together. Let him know how you feel and what you think about this situation, should it come across again. He didn't break your trust because no terms were set. Was he just suppose to 'know' what to do that would leave you pacified in this situation? No. It takes two-way communication to deal with these kind of situations.

 

This wasn't the ideal thing to come up, but this isn't the kind of boundary that we come across everyday.

 

On the other hand, if this is a pattern of behavior for him, that would be different. This is, however, just a one case scenario. NOW is the time for adult communciation inside your relationship. You have already been doing this but you are still wanting to punish him.

 

It sounds like he just went along with the flow, but he didn't waver from his responsibility inside your relationship together or his commitment to you. However, hanging out with singles is not how you want him to spend his every weekend night. Why didn't you invite him with you to your work function anyway? Poor guy was lost already without you.

 

You have to let him know how he could have handled the situation, and be realistic. What was he suppose to do? What would YOU have done? TALK about it together. Don't argue, don't get negative, don't punish him.

 

Don't be harsh on him. Communication counts here. You have to set your terms in the relationship for these kind of sticky situations. It's unlikely it will happen again, unless he's an as*, which I don't believe he is.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Quite honestly - I don't think this relationship is going to survive.

 

He texted me just before he went to bed "I really do love you". I couldn't respond because at this moment I don't feel the same way.

 

We have no plans to see each other.

[Ms. Joolie]

Instead he texted "My night is going so-so. I am consoling Mike about his break up." a BLATANT lie.

 

And you don't know what time of night he came across the ex and his group, when they merged groups or who's idea it was to go to another place together.

 

He went along with it, yes, but unless it was his idea I would be understanding with him. His love for you is obvious. The special relationship you two have is obvious. There's no need for hurt or to start hammering out trust issues or blame him with lying because he told you about it the next day.

 

Your commitment to each other comes across as obvious.

[Lady vs Panda]

It's like people here think that my own issues justify my partner doing absolutely anything.

.

 

Absolutely anything, no.

 

A pretty minor mistake when he's confused about how to act because he's walking on eggshells and compromising his own values to try to meet unrealistic expectations, yes.

 

The things that you do affect him, he reacts to them. Your behavior doesn't exist in a vacuum, you act like you think it does.

 

I am still confused why you aren't trying anxiety meds. I had a friend who was very anxious in relationships and ultra controlling, kind of like you, and anxiety medications and meditation techniques really helped her.

[Eternal Sunshine]

BTW the end result of the marathon argument was that he admitted he made a mistake and apologized. He promised to behave differently if the situation arose next time. He actually said that it is easier for him to just straight up tell the truth than to go through the process of thinking how to best protect my feelings.

 

Yet, I still can't let it go I am not arguing with him anymore - I am just distant now.

[Eternal Sunshine]

As for love, I do believe that he loves me. But as we all know, love is not enough.

[Art_Critic]

BTW the end result of the marathon argument was that he admitted he made a mistake and apologized. He promised to behave differently if the situation arose next time. He actually said that it is easier for him to just straight up tell the truth than to go through the process of thinking how to best protect my feelings.

 

Yet, I still can't let it go I am not arguing with him anymore - I am just distant now.

 

Great..Perfectly resolved

 

Now.. let it go.. quit being distant and tell him how much you love him..

He stepped up to the plate and apologized and agreed to alter his future behavior, what more can someone want ?

Fully accept his apology and move on, go to dinner with him and have a great time.

It is now in your court to move forward, he has done all the right things to resolve this.

[Mme. Chaucer]

From my perspective, I would much rather someone snooped on me than this.

 

There are few other things that are coming up that are going to make me super uncomfortable.

 

1. I mentioned previously how I have a friend who is exactly his physical type. He commented a few times how she is pretty and has a cool personality. She will be joining his volleyball team next week. She will interact with him on regular basis (without me) from now on. After volleyball, they always go for dinner or drinks with the team. Plenty of opportunity for him to flirt with her. The vibe between him and my friend already made me uneasy previously. He only knows her through me. I texted him her number yesterday so that they can organize volleyball practices. The whole thing is just :/ especially given the current state of our relationship. She is also super light and fun (unlike myself).

 

2. He is going to go to Europe for 4 weeks in less than a month. Again, plenty of opportunity to cheat.

 

Situation 1 makes me even more uncomfortable than situation 2. It would devastate me if he left me for my friend.

 

-------------------------

 

I am basically not sure if I can handle this anymore, especially since I can't count on him to be upfront about these things.

 

 

Maybe you cannot handle it. But everyone has plenty of opportunities to cheat. It's how they deal with the opportunities that matters.

 

Even thinking about having some kind of control on his activities is unhealthy for YOU. It's a bottomless pit; you'll never gain complete control. If you did, you would wash your hands of him quick.

 

And, there is a major difference between being in situations where cheating is possible (that covers about any time or place when one's SO or their agent is not monitoring a person) and putting oneself in dangerous temptation ridden environments.

 

REALITY CHECK: You are in a very early stage of a relationship. It's still called "dating." You are not married or engaged. You are getting to know about each other, even though you already are in love. You are LEARNING how this guy will handle different situations, not IN CHARGE of how he handles them - and vice versa. Any time one person feels that things are not matching up right, it is absolutely fair to call it off. This includes you not being able to handle him being in the proximity of any pretty women ... his maybe not being able to handle your insecurity and your ABSOLUTE REFUSAL to work on it at all, preferring to put all of it on the shoulders of whomever you love. It also (scarily) includes the possibility that either one of you might just decide to move on, even for a different love interest.

 

A person willing to get into a serious relationship is agreeing, IMO, to go through this uncertain time on the way to a POSSIBILITY of absolute counting upon one another for all kinds of things.

 

ES - regarding the cute volleyball girl; I'd be willing to bet that he said she was attractive after a lot of prodding by you: "Isn't she gorgeous? I bet she's exactly the type you usually go for. Right? Isn't she? It's okay, you can tell me."

 

Again, cornersville.

[Eternal Sunshine]

As for the cute volleyball girl, I already told him that I feel jealous of her few weeks ago. Not an argument - I just told him how it is. He still choose to go ahead and include her in his team. He made all his contact with her through me because I guess he was scared of my reaction if he were to ask for her number or something. So I was forwarding messages back and forth between them in setting up volleyball meeting times.

 

It kind of felt ridiculous so I just voluntarily sent him her number yesterday. She is a great girl in every way and he is going to see that he more time he spends with her. She beautiful on the inside too and I believe that they are highly compatible. I actually don't believe that SHE would do anything like that to me, but who knows.

 

But yeah, if something developed between them, it would crush me more than if he got back with his ex or found some other girl.

 

I don't like the situation one bit.