He lied to me

[LexiB]

ES, why don't you ask your partner if HE minds the snooping less than delaying information? Because the key issue here isn't how YOU feel about it, but how HE would feel about it. Why don't you just tell him what you have done? If you don't think snooping is such a big deal, then it shouldn't be an issue telling him. Then he can decide for himself how he feels about it.

 

I agree with every single word in this post. ES I get that you're hurt by what he did and maybe that's what's blinding you from seeing the other side of this issue clearly. But really, stop and think: do you honestly think ur bf wouldn't be hurt to find out how you've invaded his privacy? Do you honestly think he wouldn't want to sit you down and talk with you for 12 hours about how that made him feel? You really think he wouldn't be off venting somewhere about what you've done and thinking about breaking up with *you*?

 

Since you say that everyone has it wrong and he's not a wimp, I don't see how the answers to any of those questions could be no.

 

You have to be fair.

Edited June 27, 2011 by LexiB

[denise_xo]

As for the cute volleyball girl, I already told him that I feel jealous of her few weeks ago. Not an argument - I just told him how it is. He still choose to go ahead and include her in his team. He made all his contact with her through me because I guess he was scared of my reaction if he were to ask for her number or something. So I was forwarding messages back and forth between them in setting up volleyball meeting times.

 

It kind of felt ridiculous so I just voluntarily sent him her number yesterday. She is a great girl in every way and he is going to see that he more time he spends with her. She beautiful on the inside too and I believe that they are highly compatible. I actually don't believe that SHE would do anything like that to me, but who knows.

 

But yeah, if something developed between them, it would crush me more than if he got back with his ex or found some other girl.

 

I don't like the situation one bit.

 

:eek: at the bolded bit.

 

What exactly do you want him to do, ES? Work from home, never socialise and never engage in any hobbies? Would that satisfy you?

 

Should he not let women on to his volleyball team? Or only let on the ones that are approved by you? Never go away without you? Never go out with his friends? What EXACTLY would satisfy you?

[Cracker Jack]

Honestly, this doesn't sound like a relationship anymore. It seems like you're just waiting for him to make a mistake or something. Like, what exactly does this guy have to do to make sure you're happy? Is it within his power at all (I think Kamille asked something similar to this eariler; not sure if it was answered) to make you trust him? Or is that a losing battle in itself?

 

Eh, I like how Denise said it better. You may believe his actions hurt you, but it's quite obvious that you're hurting him, too. That's not fair.

[SmileFace]

As for the cute volleyball girl, I already told him that I feel jealous of her few weeks ago. Not an argument - I just told him how it is. He still choose to go ahead and include her in his team. He made all his contact with her through me because I guess he was scared of my reaction if he were to ask for her number or something. So I was forwarding messages back and forth between them in setting up volleyball meeting times.

 

It kind of felt ridiculous so I just voluntarily sent him her number yesterday. She is a great girl in every way and he is going to see that he more time he spends with her. She beautiful on the inside too and I believe that they are highly compatible. I actually don't believe that SHE would do anything like that to me, but who knows.

 

But yeah, if something developed between them, it would crush me more than if he got back with his ex or found some other girl.

 

I don't like the situation one bit.

This can not be real life.

[Eternal Sunshine]

:eek: at the bolded bit.

 

What exactly do you want him to do, ES? Work from home, never socialise and never engage in any hobbies? Would that satisfy you?

 

Should he not let women on to his volleyball team? Or only let on the ones that are approved by you? Never go away without you? Never go out with his friends? What EXACTLY would satisfy you?

 

No, not at all. I only became jealous after I watched them interact. There is this vibe between them. It also doesn't help that he randomly kept saying that she is cute, pretty, great girl, funny etc etc. He just talked about her way too much. Now they are going to get closer together

 

I have other female friends that I introduced him to and he has some female friends of his own. I am not jealous of them because there is no "vibe" there.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Honestly, this doesn't sound like a relationship anymore. It seems like you're just waiting for him to make a mistake or something. Like, what exactly does this guy have to do to make sure you're happy? Is it within his power at all (I think Kamille asked something similar to this eariler; not sure if it was answered) to make you trust him? Or is that a losing battle in itself?

 

Eh, I like how Denise said it better. You may believe his actions hurt you, but it's quite obvious that you're hurting him, too. That's not fair.

 

 

Yeah, he said that actually.

 

He said that it's like I keep looking for things and excuses to pick fights or break up with him.

 

He also asked me "what do I have to do to make you trust me?"

[blueskyday]

Um, may ES is on to something here. What guy goes around telling his girlfriend that another girl is cute, pretty, etc...and then signs up for volleyball AFTER his girlfriend says she feels jealous?

 

He shouldn't have hung out with the ex girlfriend either. I've run into ex boyfriends out socially, even in a group, and I excuse myself from further intereaction or call my boyfriend to ask him to join me...simple..Maybe the guy should get a one-time pass, but really, he should do his best to put his girlfriend at ease.

 

Any guy knows this. I would never date a guy who thought I was overly jealous because I didn't want him hanging out with a girl he admitted was "cute."

 

ES may have her issues, as we all do, but I believe she may see something in this guy that is bothering her. My feeling is that he is a good guy, maybe a bit clueless, but he should still be watched for a pattern of lying or hanging out with women because he needs validation.

 

Proceed with caution, but keep going. Call him, tell him you want to move on, but that you have a need to feel safe and secure so you can have an open heart with him...then watch and see what he does....

[Queen Zenobia]

No, not at all. I only became jealous after I watched them interact. There is this vibe between them. It also doesn't help that he randomly kept saying that she is cute, pretty, great girl, funny etc etc. He just talked about her way too much. Now they are going to get closer together

 

I have other female friends that I introduced him to and he has some female friends of his own. I am not jealous of them because there is no "vibe" there.

 

Well then this "vibe" means he's going to leave you for her...or he won't. Unless you have a crystal ball there's no sense worrying about it. I think you got to loosen up a little bit, being this wound up is going to give you a heart attack.

 

Relationships are kind of like holding an egg, you don't want to hold on so tightly you crush it in your hands, but you also don't want to hold it so loosely that it falls to the ground and breaks. There is a middle ground between those two.

[vsmini]

Um, may ES is on to something here. What guy goes around telling his girlfriend that another girl is cute, pretty, etc...and then signs up for volleyball AFTER his girlfriend says she feels jealous?

 

He shouldn't have hung out with the ex girlfriend either. I've run into ex boyfriends out socially, even in a group, and I excuse myself from further intereaction or call my boyfriend to ask him to join me...simple..Maybe the guy should get a one-time pass, but really, he should do his best to put his girlfriend at ease.

 

Any guy knows this. I would never date a guy who thought I was overly jealous because I didn't want him hanging out with a girl he admitted was "cute."

 

ES may have her issues, as we all do, but I believe she may see something in this guy that is bothering her. My feeling is that he is a good guy, maybe a bit clueless, but he should still be watched for a pattern of lying or hanging out with women because he needs validation.

 

Proceed with caution, but keep going. Call him, tell him you want to move on, but that you have a need to feel safe and secure so you can have an open heart with him...then watch and see what he does....

 

Yea - I'll second this.

[denise_xo]

Relationships are kind of like holding an egg, you don't want to hold on so tightly you crush it in your hands, but you also don't want to hold it so loosely that it falls to the ground and breaks. There is a middle ground between those two.

 

That was a nice metaphor.

[Lady vs Panda]

I read back a little bit, out of curiosity.

 

OP, you are brushing off the people who point out that you have not been honest with your boyfriend. Manipulative lies and half truths about trips to Thailand, just to see if he will get excited, even though you know you're not really going. Invading his privacy by going through his phone, his computer, on a regular basis.

 

What about this: that your father is dying, and you haven't told your bf? A chunk of your paycheck goes to help your father, and you are worried about money?

 

Have you told him those things yet? Maybe I missed it, I haven't read every little thing, these threads of yours are huge.

 

If you haven't told him yet, don't you think that would have a big part in how he looks at you, how tense and fragile you are? Do you think he would look at it like a betrayal, that you are lying by omission, hiding a huge part of your life from him when you are scrutinizing everything he does under a magnifying glass?

[vsmini]

I read back a little bit, out of curiosity.

 

OP, you are brushing off the people who point out that you have not been honest with your boyfriend. Manipulative lies and half truths about trips to Thailand, just to see if he will get excited, even though you know you're not really going. Invading his privacy by going through his phone, his computer, on a regular basis.

 

What about this: that your father is dying, and you haven't told your bf? A chunk of your paycheck goes to help your father, and you are worried about money?

 

Have you told him those things yet? Maybe I missed it, I haven't read every little thing, these threads of yours are huge.

 

If you haven't told him yet, don't you think that would have a big part in how he looks at you, how tense and fragile you are? Do you think he would look at it like a betrayal, that you are lying by omission, hiding a huge part of your life from him when you are scrutinizing everything he does under a magnifying glass?

 

I would like to see this addressed too.

[Eternal Sunshine]

The volleyball girl really bothers me. I didn't mention it earlier but it has been bothering me for a while, perhaps amplifying other trust issues.

 

She is a lot younger than me and exactly the type he went for in the past and likes. She has been single for a while and he keeps saying that he can't believe she is single. I asked him to set her up with a friend of his and he flat out refused and said that she is too good for his friend. He also keeps saying how she can walk in any club or bar and have her pick of guys. It just rubs me the wrong way.

 

When I told him that the way he talks about her bothers me and that playing volleyball with her bothers me, he just said that "of course he is not interested in her like that AT ALL" and that "he finds me more beautiful than her"...yet he didn't offer not to include he in his team.

[betterdeal]

This all seems quite unfun. Have you considered being deliberately single for a period? It can do you the world of good.

[Star Gazer]

This really isn't a good position for your relationship to be in with your BF about to leave for Europe for a month.

 

I suspect you'll have to end it before then.

[bittersweet memories]

Great..Perfectly resolved

 

Now.. let it go.. quit being distant and tell him how much you love him..

He stepped up to the plate and apologized and agreed to alter his future behavior, what more can someone want ?

Fully accept his apology and move on, go to dinner with him and have a great time.

It is now in your court to move forward, he has done all the right things to resolve this.

 

 

I totally agree. Accept his apology and move on. We all make mistakes.

[Eternal Sunshine]

What should I do about the volleyball girl, honestly? Put her out of my mind completely? Address it again? I know that he is attracted to her, and now that they are going to spend all this time together it can quite easily grow into more.

[Chocolat]

Great..Perfectly resolved

 

Now.. let it go.. quit being distant and tell him how much you love him..

He stepped up to the plate and apologized and agreed to alter his future behavior, what more can someone want ?

Fully accept his apology and move on, go to dinner with him and have a great time.

It is now in your court to move forward, he has done all the right things to resolve this.

 

Spot on.

 

ED, there is no r/s you are going to have that isn't going to have bumps oin the road. In this case, your bf examined his behavior, identified what was wrong, and made a commitment to not repeating the behavior. That's about as good as it gets. If you can't accept his apology and move on then... well, then I really worry that you will never be able to have a r/s. It sounds as though the only way you can stay in a r/s is if the other person is perfect and that's not reality (for you either).

 

You seem to have a super idealized version of love, where being in live means that you are your partner are automatically in suncy -- that either you'll "just know" what the other one wants/needs and delivers it, or that, upon being told, he will subsume his own interests/desires to yours (I'm thinking of vball girl here).

 

Before you take actoon, give some thought to what you want in your life. Talk to people who have good, long-lasting relationships about the challenges they've had. I think you will find that what makes a couple strong is not the absence of disagreement but rather how that couple deals with disagreement. You're an equal partner.

[vsmini]

What should I do about the volleyball girl, honestly? Put her out of my mind completely? Address it again? I know that he is attracted to her, and now that they are going to spend all this time together it can quite easily grow into more.

 

I would say put her out of your mind but how can you do that? Especially when you know they will be interacting as much as they do.

 

You can either force yourself to clam up about it or you can talk to him about it again. But it will just add to his fatigue in this relationship.

[Chocolat]

What should I do about the volleyball girl, honestly? Put her out of my mind completely? Address it again? I know that he is attracted to her, and now that they are going to spend all this time together it can quite easily grow into more.

 

No, it can't "easily" grow into more. He loves you, is in love with you... There is no opening for vball girl unless you choose to create one for him. He doesn't want an opening. He wants to be on cloud nine with you!

[oaks]

2. He is going to go to Europe for 4 weeks in less than a month. Again, plenty of opportunity to cheat.

 

Is Europe full of easy women or something? Where can I find them?

[Star Gazer]

No, it can't "easily" grow into more. He loves you, is in love with you... There is no opening for vball girl unless you choose to create one for him. He doesn't want an opening. He wants to be on cloud nine with you!

 

He's getting tired of ES, and the new girl brightens his day...

[vsmini]

The quality of your life is directly proportional to how much UNcertainty you can manage to live with. - Tony Robbins.

 

Girl.....you gotta be comfortable with not being able to see every detail of the future.

 

He could fall in love with the volleyball girl. He could see how amazing she is...realize that maybe she would never give him the hard time that you do and think "gosh, she sure would make a great girlfriend."

But he could do that with anyone.right?..at any point in time. So....what are you going to do?

 

He says he's committed but you don't believe him and you won't ever. Just break up - you're not even enjoying this relationship.

[snug.bunny]

Is Europe full of easy women or something? Where can I find them?

 

Only if he goes to Amsterdam...

 

Kidding!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I would say put her out of your mind but how can you do that? Especially when you know they will be interacting as much as they do.

 

You can either force yourself to clam up about it or you can talk to him about it again. But it will just add to his fatigue in this relationship.

 

I agree, talking about it again will just add to the stress and drain both of us.

 

I really don't know how to deal with it. If it was just volleyball practice - I could be fine with it - but it's drinks and dinner afterwards that goes late into the night. Volleyball girl is really social and will for sure be joining my bf and perhaps a couple of others.

 

Bf has particular taste in women and she is just right what he is looking for, in addition to being younger, lighter, more fun and with fewer issues than myself. Even I would choose her.

 

The only thing is, that she may not be interested in him - but she tends to be quite flirty nonetheless and certainly flirty enough to keep his attention