Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 27, 2011 Author Share Posted June 27, 2011 I think you will be dissatisfied if you do not see this relationship to a clearer end than this. I can see this possibly going two ways: 1) The fights will escalate to the point where he will get fed up and leave and/or he gets it on with the volleyball girl 2) Things somehow level out and I gain trust in him as I get to know him better. (this is what he hopes and thinks will happen) I will include a text he sent me yesterday when he got home, after our 12 hour fight: "I truly love you. I am a bit sad to see that you still don't trust me but I think that will come in time. I think that you were screwed around by j^rks in the past and it's hard for you to believe that you won't get screwed around again. I really think that it's possible for you to get over your insecurities, especially with the help, tolerance and support of someone that loves you. We may have a hard road ahead but I definitely think it's doable. I want you to know that I will try really hard to gain and keep your trust." Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 WS, why is your BF doing all the heavy lifting here? He's not a band-aid, you know. HE cannot fix you. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 He is reaching out to you ES. What are you going to do for him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 27, 2011 Author Share Posted June 27, 2011 He is reaching out to you ES. What are you going to do for him? I wrote him a really nice message back. But that was yesterday. He was really cold today to the point where I think he may be having second thoughts. He didn't ask to see me at all so I have no idea when I will see him next. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 How about phoning him? Make the extra effort. Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 I can see this possibly going two ways: 1) The fights will escalate to the point where he will get fed up and leave and/or he gets it on with the volleyball girl 2) Things somehow level out and I gain trust in him as I get to know him better. (this is what he hopes and thinks will happen) I will include a text he sent me yesterday when he got home, after our 12 hour fight: "I truly love you. I am a bit sad to see that you still don't trust me but I think that will come in time. I think that you were screwed around by j^rks in the past and it's hard for you to believe that you won't get screwed around again. I really think that it's possible for you to get over your insecurities, especially with the help, tolerance and support of someone that loves you. We may have a hard road ahead but I definitely think it's doable. I want you to know that I will try really hard to gain and keep your trust." I don't like this. You didn't even mention in your reasons of "how this will go" that you'll get yourself the help you need. It's not even on your agenda! His text shows that he's just as clueless in all of this. He's coddling you when what you really need is some tough love. He's an enabler. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 27, 2011 Author Share Posted June 27, 2011 I don't like this. You didn't even mention in your reasons of "how this will go" that you'll get yourself the help you need. It's not even on your agenda! His text shows that he's just as clueless in all of this. He's coddling you when what you really need is some tough love. He's an enabler. I really like his text. Tough love makes me want to shut down completely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 27, 2011 Author Share Posted June 27, 2011 BTW I will get help after this relationship ends, not during. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 Maybe if you try and get help now you could save this relationship. If youf bf could see that you were making a genuine effort to deal with any issues you have then that might give him the strength & motivation to stand by you on those bad days Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 Considering the totality of the current challenges, especially dealing with your father's terminal medical condition, I'd opine there is no better time for counseling than now. BTDT and am so glad I did it. I'll give my exW credit for suggesting it. Sure, it set me back financially, but IMO there's no substitute for emotional health and sanity. Assign that whatever value you choose. Link to post Share on other sites
utterer of lies Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 Maybe you should ask one goal for his take on the sitch? It's kinda sad, but I thought today that they are very much alike. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 BTW I will get help after this relationship ends, not during. Why? Why not be pro active? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 27, 2011 Author Share Posted June 27, 2011 It's kinda sad, but I thought today that they are very much alike. In what way? I don't read his threads.... Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 Your entire pattern, exemplified here very clearly, is such a perfect illustration of "Splitting": (Wikipedia) Splitting creates instability in relationships, because one person can be viewed as either all good or all bad at different times, depending on whether he or she gratifies needs or frustrates them. This, and similar oscillations in the experience of the self, lead to chaotic and unstable relationship patterns, identity diffusion and mood swings. Consequently, the therapeutic process can be greatly impeded by these oscillations, because the therapist too can become the target of splitting. To overcome the negative effects on treatment outcome, constant interpretations by the therapist are needed.[1] Splitting leads to unstable relationships and intense emotional experiences The guy is willing to see this through with you, for now, anyway. If you ARE WILLING TO DO THE SAME, then you can't be the pure, innocent, tragically messed up, formerly cheated on so justifiably scared, eternal victim. You will have to cut the AMAZINGLY PROFOUND SELF INDULGENCE and establish some boundaries FOR YOURSELF (for example, NEVER sneakily invade his privacy again; only permit yourself one text to him per day, and stuff like that). You cannot possibly do it without professional help; if not a therapist, a coach or a support group. It would be very difficult for you to hold yourself to such standards, but you CAN if you really want to work on it. Otherwise, please be a STAND-UP GIRL and break up with him honorably and calmly, kindly - rather than in an emotional maelstrom fueled by how untrustworthy he is - or dragging your "love" through the toxic dump so thoroughly that he has to be the "bad guy" and walk away himself out of self-preservation. Please. Stop playing the same games over and over. You are not protecting yourself, you are hurting yourself. You are terribly unfair to a person who, just a few hours ago, you claimed to be madly in love with and committed to. Where is YOUR part of being trustworthy to him? Just because you aren't screwing around behind his back, you certainly have not behaved like a trustworthy person in ANY way. You've abused his privacy and accepted his "love" with no intention of working through your difficulties for it. "Love" is NOT just an intoxicating feeling of being worshipped, you know. It's a state of being, of behaving, and sometimes involves "acting as if." Believe me, not many of us are full of beaming trust when we enter into a relationship, and even over time our trust can be severely tested. We have to CHOOSE to at least carry on as if the trust is there. That helps to nurture trust, bonding, and enduring love. I realize there is a fine line between this and the infamous State of Denial, but it's a line that must be walked if people want to be in relationships. Mostly, you are making yourself unimaginably miserable. GET A GRIP & GET HELP. Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 I really like his text. Tough love makes me want to shut down completely. Yea. Tough love is tough. Therapy is going to be one bumpy ride but it will be worth it. If you don't do the difficult stuff and work on you - prepare on living this way forever. Things don't just get better on their own. Link to post Share on other sites
iJester Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 I think he is going to cheat/leave you for the volleyball girl and has already left you emotionally. He's just keeping you around as the backup in case they don't work out. Better end it before he does. Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 Why? Why not be pro active? Because she doesn't really intend to ever get help. The girl doesn't want to change. She gets MAJOR payoff from doing this to herself. That is a fact - otherwise she wouldn't be doing it at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 27, 2011 Author Share Posted June 27, 2011 And splitting is a feature of BPD? Link to post Share on other sites
utterer of lies Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 His text shows that he's just as clueless in all of this. He's coddling you when what you really need is some tough love. He's an enabler. Oh really? You noticed this...now? After pages of pages of ES' threads with him actively and passively enabling her, constantly, on call? oO Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 27, 2011 Author Share Posted June 27, 2011 I think he is going to cheat/leave you for the volleyball girl and has already left you emotionally. He's just keeping you around as the backup in case they don't work out. Better end it before he does. Are you being serious? I can't tell. Link to post Share on other sites
utterer of lies Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 In what way? I don't read his threads.... You are both running in a circle and no amount of advice seems to help you or him break out, to the point one wonders if it's on purpose. Link to post Share on other sites
iJester Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 I am. I've been in a similar position as him, and that's what I was doing. I'm not him, but just speaking from experience. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 BTW I will get help after this relationship ends, not during. Until you confess to your own lying and snooping this relationship is a sham, so you might as well end it now. Then you can get help a bit faster. I'm not intending to be mean ES but you have some serious issues that need sorting before you can hope to have a healthy relationship. Call it quits and save yourself a truckload of misery. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 27, 2011 Author Share Posted June 27, 2011 I am. I've been in a similar position as him, and that's what I was doing. I'm not him, but just speaking from experience. But he still tells me he loves me all the time. He also cried yesterday.... Has he really checked out emotionally? Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 And splitting is a feature of BPD? I too was going to ask, in the most PC way imaginable, whether you might be bi-polar, because even within the same thread you demonstrate yourself to be. Link to post Share on other sites
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