He lied to me

[Kamille]

ES, I sometimes get the impression that when you go to a "dark relationship space", you actively seek reasons to be upset. Him not being in touch today (yet) shouldn't have you dismissing the 12 hour talk and the loving email. Not to mention, you can probably both use some time to collect your thoughts and get to a better place.

 

As to the rest, it sounds like you two ran into a problem and brainstormed ways of handling similar situations in the future. And, tell you the truth, that's half the battle. You're not always going to agree on how best to handle situations, so you need to be able to communicate and talk those issues out. Preferably, nobody's held emotionally hostage in those talks and preferably, the status of the relationship won't be on the line.

 

Also no relationship is perfect. I have reported here about a 'lie by omission" my bf told me at the beginning of our relationship. It shook us up and caused issues down the road. And yet, we're still together and I'm very proud of our relationship. Only you know what you can forgive or not. But I'm reminding you of my story to let you know: it is possible to forgive a lie.

 

(Although, when it comes to the "lie", let me get this straight: he told you his friend was broken-hearted, when, in reality, his friend wasn't broken-hearted? I don't get why he said that... Sounds like a weird way to lie to me...)

[Arasae]

ES--You seem to get really hung up/flattered on the fact that your boyfriend cries over this stuff.

 

You do realize... you're making someone cry, right? Over things that almost EVERYONE here is telling you are really, really not okay?

 

I dunno.. as someone who is in love, the LAST thing I want to do is make my boyfriend cry. Whatever issues I might have (and I used to have all kinds of trust issues.. but not to your same extent, probably because I went to counseling), sometimes, I have to sacrifice my comfort zone for his sake.

 

Maybe you should re-think your feelings for him... I hate to say this, but you sound like someone who likes the attention and the drama of the situation rather than the man himself. =/

[iJester]

Well, he's got to keep you around somehow. I think he likes you, but realizes it won't last, and is trying to start something with this new girl so he can quickly forget about you.

 

As far as the crying, it's still a relationship coming to an end, and he probably feels a little bit bad for what he's doing to you.

 

Also, I seriously doubt he "just ran into" his ex at that bar. They were probably planning on meeting up while they were out.

[welikeincrowds]

But he still tells me he loves me all the time. He also cried yesterday.... Has he really checked out emotionally?

 

Some people get emphysema from smoking, some people get lung cancer, some people just get wrinkles. But no matter what the consequence is now or in the future, it is a fact that it does not and will not help your body. So if you care about your body, it's your duty to do the difficult thing and make every effort you can to stop smoking. And ultimately it's up to you to decide if you are making every effort you can.

[Lady vs Panda]

BTW I will get help after this relationship ends, not during.

 

Why? Why not be pro active?

 

I would like to know your answer to this, too. How are you justifying this decision to yourself?

[SmileFace]

Some people get emphysema from smoking, some people get lung cancer, some people just get wrinkles. But no matter what the consequence is now or in the future, it is a fact that it does not and will not help your body. So if you care about your body, it's your duty to do the difficult thing and make every effort you can to stop smoking. And ultimately it's up to you to decide if you are making every effort you can.

lol...what?

[Lady vs Panda]

Well, he's got to keep you around somehow. I think he likes you, but realizes it won't last, and is trying to start something with this new girl so he can quickly forget about you.

 

As far as the crying, it's still a relationship coming to an end, and he probably feels a little bit bad for what he's doing to you.

 

Also, I seriously doubt he "just ran into" his ex at that bar. They were probably planning on meeting up while they were out.

 

 

These are all possibles, but not every man is you. Leading the OP down this path is kind of irresponsible, she is never going to be able to hear anything now but your voice telling her he's getting ready to cheat, and she's going to punish him for it now.

 

She has already seen on his phone evidence that there was no plan to meet up with the ex.

 

This is apparently a man who has not dated very much, not exactly a big time player.

[welikeincrowds]

lol...what?

 

I know right?

 

ES is trying to predict her bf's reaction to her behavior. She's comparing it to what other posters would do. But a) that differs from person to person, and b) his reaction is not all that relevant right now. The fact is that her behavior is preventing her from being happy and needs to be addressed, regardless of how he happens to react to it, now or in the future.

[carhill]

lol...what?

It's an analogy, substituting a physical choice/condition and its consequences for an emotional/psychological choice/condition and same.

[SmileFace]

It's an analogy, substituting a physical choice/condition and its consequences for an emotional/psychological choice/condition and same.

Wait, are you serious? Please don't be! I full really silly right now. lol - I don't get it

 

Oh gosh I think I think you are serious

[betterdeal]

Your entire pattern, exemplified here very clearly, is such a perfect illustration of "Splitting":

 

 

 

The guy is willing to see this through with you, for now, anyway. If you ARE WILLING TO DO THE SAME, then you can't be the pure, innocent, tragically messed up, formerly cheated on so justifiably scared, eternal victim. You will have to cut the AMAZINGLY PROFOUND SELF INDULGENCE and establish some boundaries FOR YOURSELF (for example, NEVER sneakily invade his privacy again; only permit yourself one text to him per day, and stuff like that).

 

You cannot possibly do it without professional help; if not a therapist, a coach or a support group. It would be very difficult for you to hold yourself to such standards, but you CAN if you really want to work on it.

 

Otherwise, please be a STAND-UP GIRL and break up with him honorably and calmly, kindly - rather than in an emotional maelstrom fueled by how untrustworthy he is - or dragging your "love" through the toxic dump so thoroughly that he has to be the "bad guy" and walk away himself out of self-preservation. Please.

 

Stop playing the same games over and over. You are not protecting yourself, you are hurting yourself. You are terribly unfair to a person who, just a few hours ago, you claimed to be madly in love with and committed to. Where is YOUR part of being trustworthy to him? Just because you aren't screwing around behind his back, you certainly have not behaved like a trustworthy person in ANY way. You've abused his privacy and accepted his "love" with no intention of working through your difficulties for it. "Love" is NOT just an intoxicating feeling of being worshipped, you know. It's a state of being, of behaving, and sometimes involves "acting as if."

 

Believe me, not many of us are full of beaming trust when we enter into a relationship, and even over time our trust can be severely tested. We have to CHOOSE to at least carry on as if the trust is there. That helps to nurture trust, bonding, and enduring love. I realize there is a fine line between this and the infamous State of Denial, but it's a line that must be walked if people want to be in relationships.

 

Mostly, you are making yourself unimaginably miserable.

 

GET A GRIP & GET HELP.

 

This.

 

But we forget the highly evolved selective dissonance, which will be applied to this post, thus enabling her to continue as she is. Some poor chump will be along soon to post something she can pick at, something which doesn't challenge her in any substantial way.

 

She'll get help tomorrow, after he dumps her, the next day, never now. Why now when she can play cat and mouse with him, LS posters, anyone who'll play?

 

She knows the answer. Its hard work, and she doesn't want to do it. What a waste of so much good will.

[Nexus One]

ES, I don't think it's volleyball girl specifically you have to worry about, but rather that when you two break up he'll be so fed up with women that he'll just f*ck them, but doesn't want any commitment with them anymore. I know several guys who have walked that path, it's how some guys deal with it.

 

Some become players who don't respect women, some become commitment phobes, some become those guys who are gone in the morning after sex and some will just turn to prostitutes to get their sexual desires quenched. Not all men react like that though, but some do, especially after they've had multiple negative experiences with women.

 

That doesn't mean it's all the fault of women, that's not what I'm saying nor what I'm implying. More often than not it's the guy that is at fault in the relationship. How they(the men) perceive it from their point of view is what determines how they set out their path.

 

Regardless of all that, your guy might not be that kind of guy, but it's not entirely implausible that that could happen. But in my opinion this is not what you should be worrying about right now. Your guy might be soft and mushy right now, but your relationship is still young, meaning that "love chemicals" still have a major influence on his behavior. What would be of greater concern at this stage is what happens when the love chemicals start to wear out and lose their effect.

 

Two things could happen. Long term love chemicals could take over, or they will not and rationality will take over. So in the case that all short term love chemicals lose their effect and only rationality remains, then if you get into 12 hour long fights with him until he cries AT THAT STAGE of the relationship. Then it's really over.

 

I stick with my standpoint, he's made a mistake and you've made a mistake, and in my opinion that makes you guys, within the time frame of what happened in those last few days, even.

Edited June 27, 2011 by Nexus One

[carhill]

Wait, are you serious? Please don't be! I full really silly right now. lol - I don't get it

 

Oh gosh I think I think you are serious

The OP can live her life like this, perhaps into old age, with nary a deadly psychological effect other than a lifetime of drama. Or she may go crazy. Or end up alone with 26 cats (I know someone like that). Many potentials.

 

Drawing upon my own life and the analogy, my dad chose to smoke until the day before he died, at the relatively young age of 69, from cancer. My mom quit when I was ten and lived to nearly 90. Were those paths preordained? Absolutely not. No one knows the future. We can, however, extrapolate from information available in the present and make healthy choices. I view the interested respondents here as 'information providers', with that information being personal, anecdotal experience, as well as knowledge available from recognized sources, along with support. The OP will make the choices she makes. It's outside of our control. If she goes 'up in smoke', she does. If not, not.

[welikeincrowds]

The OP can live her life like this, perhaps into old age, with nary a deadly psychological effect other than a lifetime of drama. Or she may go crazy. Or end up alone with 26 cats (I know someone like that). Many potentials.

 

Drawing upon my own life and the analogy, my dad chose to smoke until the day before he died, at the relatively young age of 69, from cancer. My mom quit when I was ten and lived to nearly 90. Were those paths preordained? Absolutely not. No one knows the future. We can, however, extrapolate from information available in the present and make healthy choices. I view the interested respondents here as 'information providers', with that information being personal, anecdotal experience, as well as knowledge available from recognized sources, along with support. The OP will make the choices she makes. It's outside of our control. If she goes 'up in smoke', she does. If not, not.

 

Couldn't have said it better myself!

[SmileFace]

The OP can live her life like this, perhaps into old age, with nary a deadly psychological effect other than a lifetime of drama. Or she may go crazy. Or end up alone with 26 cats (I know someone like that). Many potentials.

 

Drawing upon my own life and the analogy, my dad chose to smoke until the day before he died, at the relatively young age of 69, from cancer. My mom quit when I was ten and lived to nearly 90. Were those paths preordained? Absolutely not. No one knows the future. We can, however, extrapolate from information available in the present and make healthy choices. I view the interested respondents here as 'information providers', with that information being personal, anecdotal experience, as well as knowledge available from recognized sources, along with support. The OP will make the choices she makes. It's outside of our control. If she goes 'up in smoke', she does. If not, not.

Thank you, Walk's use of smoking at the end of the anology threw me off. Thanks for the explanation.

[Glinda]

You are not over reacting. I suggest you two discuss what honesty and transparency means to you. You must be able to trust that he's where he says he is, and he must be able to trust that you won't go postal if he tells the truth.

[SmileFace]

Thank you, Walk's use of smoking at the end of the anology threw me off. Thanks for the explanation.

I meant welike

[vsmini]

Your relationships will never be healthy ES.

 

A healthy relationship entails two WHOLE individuals coming together to make their lives ENHANCED - not completed.

An unhealthy relationship is two needy halves coming together and feeding off each other and trying to fill the voids with the other person.

 

Bad news.

[nyc_guy2003]

I hate to say this, but I agree with everyone else who says the guy is already emotionally committed to volleyball girl. Think about it -- she's hot, baggage free, fun to be around, and I bet every time he confides in her that his relationship is rocky she has something nice and sweet to say to him. The one and only downside to her is that she hasn't expressed her interest in him yet, otherwise it would be a done deal. This is speaking from 30+ years of experience being a guy.

[veggirl]

Well what's going to happen, ES, is that at this rate if you do not CHILL THE EFF OUT he is going to leave you as soon as he has someone else to go to. Your bf is clearly desperate to be in a relationship. The relationship you guys have is insanely stressful and exhausting. If he meets another woman who wants to enter a relationship w/ him and seems like less work/stress, then yes I think he will bounce.

the good (?) news for you is that you've mentioned several times he's never had a real relationship w/ a girl before. Now if this is because other women don't want him, then you have that on your side. If it's because he was rejecting women, then you're screwed.

He won't leave if there isn't another woman to go to, I don't think.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It was mainly because he was rejecting women.

 

He nitpicked at any woman that showed an interest in him and pointed out her flaws and didn't get involved. Oh the irony of it all! Now he is involved with the most flawed woman that exists!!

 

When he cries in front of me (which has now been a lot) I give him a hug and kiss his tears. He told me that others have only called him a wimp or just lost interest after they have seen him cry.

 

I constantly praise his sexual performance (and we sincerely match there well) where one woman told him that he is no good in bed and he took it really hard.

 

So he got attached to me...if it was all bad for him - he would have left already.

 

We had a warmer talk this morning, where I told him that I will work through my issues (by myself). He said that he appreciates it and that he loves me. I asked if he wants to spend the weekend together but told him that I understand if he would want a rest following all the drama. He told me that he would love to spend the weekend with me and is already rested. So looks like I will see him on Friday night

[allina]

It was mainly because he was rejecting women.

 

He nitpicked at any woman that showed an interest in him and pointed out her flaws and didn't get involved. Oh the irony of it all! Now he is involved with the most flawed woman that exists!!

 

When he cries in front of me (which has now been a lot) I give him a hug and kiss his tears. He told me that others have only called him a wimp or just lost interest after they have seen him cry.

 

I constantly praise his sexual performance (and we sincerely match there well) where one woman told him that he is no good in bed and he took it really hard.

 

So he got attached to me...if it was all bad for him - he would have left already.

 

We had a warmer talk this morning, where I told him that I will work through my issues (by myself). He said that he appreciates it and that he loves me. I asked if he wants to spend the weekend together but told him that I understand if he would want a rest following all the drama. He told me that he would love to spend the weekend with me and is already rested. So looks like I will see him on Friday night

 

I'm glad you're moving forward, please focus on not over reacting and having any drama. Time to build some happy memories!

[betterdeal]

[anne1707]

I told him that I will work through my issues (by myself).

 

How do you plan to do this ES? I am concerned that even with all the details you post on LS that you are still not even honest with yourself and are avoiding answering tough questions on your own behaviour & feelings - you tend to avoid responding to questions which will need to be answered at some stage if you are to work through all this.

[Andy_K]

The guys sounds incredibly patient and understanding.

 

It's a crying shame he has such bad luck in picking girlfriends...