He lied to me

[phillyfan]

As for the cute volleyball girl, I already told him that I feel jealous of her few weeks ago. Not an argument - I just told him how it is. He still choose to go ahead and include her in his team. He made all his contact with her through me because I guess he was scared of my reaction if he were to ask for her number or something. So I was forwarding messages back and forth between them in setting up volleyball meeting times.

 

It kind of felt ridiculous so I just voluntarily sent him her number yesterday. She is a great girl in every way and he is going to see that he more time he spends with her. She beautiful on the inside too and I believe that they are highly compatible. I actually don't believe that SHE would do anything like that to me, but who knows.

 

But yeah, if something developed between them, it would crush me more than if he got back with his ex or found some other girl.

 

I don't like the situation one bit.

 

Dude this is fairly horrific I feel SO bad for ur boyfriend. WTF is wrong wit u. What r u, his jailer? In ur OWN words...ur boyfriend is SCARED OF U.

[Nexus One]

A while back ES asked if we on LS think that they as a couple will reach the one year mark. I still think they will, I think that they might find an equilibrium eventually where they configure their attitude in such a way that they can stay in a relationship together.

 

But if sessions like where ES fires at him for 12 hours until he cries happen more often, then that could eventually ruin things. He's crushing right now, but the bucket is filling up and at one point the water will reach the edge, then even a small irritation can be the last drop.

 

I see at least one major advantage for him having ES as a girlfriend. If he's indeed an emotional guy, then who better than ES will understand him and can relate to him?

 

If passion was a kite and you'd let the kite go really high, then you need to at very specific times let the kite pull the wire from your hands, otherwise the tension on the wire will be too great when the kite is at great heights. If you then are not able to let go, then the wire will snap and you will lose the kite.

 

Some fun inside information about me. When I was a kid, I used to fly kites a lot. We would bring our kites so high that we needed miles of wire. Other kids their wires would snap very often and I'd go after their kites. I'd run for miles and miles after their kites, sometimes 20 times a day. The instances where I didn't get a kite back were rare. I was the best kite catcher of the city. In our honor(the kids who flew their kites over the city), the architects of the city had kites painted on buildings all over the city. After more than 20 years those paintings are still there. I no longer live in that city, but whenever I happen to visit and see the paintings my heart fills with joy, those were truly happy times which I will forever carry in my heart.

Edited June 28, 2011 by Nexus One

[Kamille]

Eternal,

 

Is it fair to say that you feel better about your relationship now that you've had some time to relax and a good night's rest?

 

I'm only pointing this out because today your mood seems quite different than yesterday. When I was in therapy, my therapist would force me to notice these moments. Her goal was to make me realize that these moments are better for making decisions than the ones when I'm in crisis. Now, when I feel in crisis, I allow myself some time until I feel better and can see clearer. Basically, I don't take my "dark" feelings as seriously. I'm hoping you can learn to do the same.

[blueskyday]

I have struggled through many of the same issues as ES. One thing I recognize is the reaction to external events, struggling to analyze them, and feeling like I'm on a rollercoaster trying to figure out where the truth is. I was happy one minute when my boyfriend called me "sweetie," and scared crapless the next day when he seemed "cold."

 

Not a good place to be.

 

I do understand exactly why ES snooped. I did the same thing. I didn't want to waste my time and energy on someone who had bad character. My thinking was to find out ASAP so i could move on if necessary...Now, I understand things differently.

 

We can't have good relationships unless we give a modicum of trust and faith. We keep our eyes open, and if we have to tell ourselves a story, let's make it a positive one, like, "he is just out with the guys, not cheating."

 

If we always go to the fear, then we can't love. Paradoxically, we need to keep our eyes open to the truth that someone might be shady. We do tend to discount that kind of truth when we love someone. It's all so anxiety producing!

 

That's why ES would benefit greatly from therapy NOW, while in a relationship. All the triggers are being flipped now, and that's when they should be addressed and refigured cognitively.

 

Anyway, it all boils down to trusting ourselves. I'm in a relationship now where I am scared that I might be trusting the wrong guy, but I refuse to give in to that fear. I don't snoop on him, because then I would only be looking for a reason it wouldn't work out. I'd be living in fear.

 

Instead, I choose to trust, a little at a time, more and more as his behavior and responses cause me to want to take more and more risks emotionally.

 

But, I'm always willing to walk if necessary. I trust my ability to be happy.

[BetheButterfly]

ES. some people give you such a hard time my goodness!

 

I think you should just forgive your boyfriend, and focus on caring for him and showing him you love him. Set your mind on positive, not negative. I know that is going to be hard for you to do at first, but it takes practice and time, just like riding a horse. If you fall off, don't shoot the horse. Just get back on.

Don't quit everytime the going gets tough Honey. Life is tough, but it's so sweet when you can overcome difficulties through love, care, and working together as a team. Talk to him about that, about wanting to be a team. Don't consider him as the enemy to be constantly worried about hurting you, ok? He is not your enemy. He wants to be on your team. Focus on the positive. It's there if you focus on it.

 

Blueskyday has good advice... therapy isn't bad you know. People need to talk with each other and support each other.

Edited June 28, 2011 by BetheButterfly

[OriginalPenguin]

ES. some people give you such a hard time my goodness!

 

True, I wondered at that when I first joined. But there is a pattern that is noticeable and at times it looks like this person is asking for help, gets good advice, disregards it then starts all over again. I think what you are seeing is the result of people that have been patiently trying and trying and trying again only to see everything they say ignored.

 

Take for instance your advice, which is also very good:

 

I think you should just forgive your boyfriend, and focus on caring for him and showing him you love him. Set your mind on positive, not negative. I know that is going to be hard for you to do at first, but it takes practice and time, just like riding a horse. If you fall off, don't shoot the horse. Just get back on.

Don't quit everytime the going gets tough Honey. Life is tough, but it's so sweet when you can overcome difficulties through love, care, and working together as a team. Talk to him about that, about wanting to be a team. Don't consider him as the enemy to be constantly worried about hurting you, ok? He is not your enemy. He wants to be on your team. Focus on the positive. It's there if you focus on it.

 

Based on patterns in the past the likely response to this will be "Yea but..."

 

There is only so much help you can offer someone, if they are never willing to help themselves then it is so much wasted energy. I have nothing against ES and hope she finds happiness but I do not see that happening until some changes are made in her life.

 

And a good place to start would be following some of the great advice in this thread.

[mr.dream merchant]

Dang dude, this stuff is entertaining to read.

[Kamille]

True, I wondered at that when I first joined. But there is a pattern that is noticeable and at times it looks like this person is asking for help, gets good advice, disregards it then starts all over again. I think what you are seeing is the result of people that have been patiently trying and trying and trying again only to see everything they say ignored.

 

 

As someone who's followed and supported ES for years, I understand how it can get frustrating. However, cognitive change of the kind many posters here are recommending doesn't happen overnight. I personally think ES has made some improvements and is prone to relapses - as any person struggling with change would. I believe the very fact she's now capable of sitting with uncertainty (even while it makes her dream up horrible worst case scenarios) is a huge improvement from past behavior (where she would try to strike first, before her partner would have a chance to hurt her). It may not be the metamorphosis some would like to see, but it is an improvement.

 

So if someone expects to come on LS, give advice, and see the poster change miraculously after reading their post, maybe they shouldn't be giving advice to ES. Many here believe ES would benefit from therapy, and should therefore know that changing thought patterns takes time.

[betterdeal]

The guys sounds incredibly patient and understanding.

 

It's a crying shame he has such bad luck in picking girlfriends...

 

He sounds incredibly insecure and needy. He's ES's mirror image. They both act to please each other too much, and their hobbies are mutually exclusive with having a reasonably weatherproof relationship.

 

They both need to change.

[betterdeal]

So if someone expects to come on LS, give advice, and see the poster change miraculously after reading their post, maybe they shouldn't be giving advice to ES. Many here believe ES would benefit from therapy, and should therefore know that changing thought patterns takes time.

 

Are you telling us to change miraculously overnight, or just to f*ck off? Be honest.

 

ES comes here to get opinions, and that's what she gets. You may not like my opinion, but you can go f*ck yourself for all the good it will do trying to tell me not to give it.

Edited June 28, 2011 by betterdeal

[Kamille]

Are you telling us to change miraculously overnight, or just to f*ck off? Be honest.

 

ES comes here to get opinions, and that's what she gets. You may not like my opinion, but you can go f*ck yourself for all the good it will do trying to tell me not to give it.

 

Why are you responding with so much aggression?

 

I would never tell anyone to f-off and am not impressed that you would tell me to do so. I was stating that I understand people are getting impatient with ES, but that change takes time. Perhaps if someone is getting frustrated at the amount of time it's taking ES to change, they should take a break from her threads. If you read that as a f-off, then so be it.

[Ruby Slippers]

The guys sounds incredibly patient and understanding.

 

It's a crying shame he has such bad luck in picking girlfriends...

This is what usually happens. Women who emotionally torture their boyfriends are often rewarded with endless loyalty for it. But be sweet and loving to him, and he gets bored and starts taking you for granted.

[Star Gazer]

Kamille, what about ES's THOUGHT PROCESS has changed over the 4 or so years she's been here?

 

Yes, change doesn't happen overnight, but honestly, what improvements in her THOUGHT PROCESS are you seeing? Her actions mean nothing when her thoughts and emotions are in control.

 

Relationships are pure torture for ES, not just the men she dates. Knowing this, I'm always amazed why she seeks out relationships at all, and why she literally - LITERALLY - hops from one love interest to the next without ANY down time. It's as though she ENJOYS PAIN, and actively seeks out opportunities to feel it.

 

She needs REAL HELP, help that LS just isn't capable of providing, but she said she won't get real help via a therapist or shrink until this relationship ends. In that case, she needs is to REMOVE herself from this and ALL romantic relationships until she's a whole person. Neither he nor the relationship cannot fix her.

 

And as much as I love you and your sweet advice, Kamille, I really do feel as though you're coddling her and encouraging her to remain in a PAINFUL, bipolar relationship that hurts not only her, but an innocent bystander (her BF).

[Eternal Sunshine]

Thanks Kamille. Change does take time. Even therapy can take years to really help.

 

In the past, I would have broken up with him already over the lie by omission.

 

In the past, I would have broken up with him already at the prospect of spending so much time with volleyball girl.

 

In the past, I would have hurt him back by flirting with other guys or activating my online profile.

 

I did none of those things. Yes, we argued but I believe I had the right to be upset and it was in the calm manner.

 

I will share one of his messages today:

 

"ES, when other stupid people and their idiotic opinions make me cringe, thinking of you makes me smile and helps me keep going just noticed that a couple of minutes ago and wanted to let you know"

 

What most people here don't realize is that we are both more emotional than about 99% of the people out there. We have both had similar negative experiences in going through life. He is someone who values the ability to feel and show deep emotion over pretty much anything else. He is also someone who values modesty and humility over confidence. I am the same. This creates a deep bond that is not going to break that easily. We are able to freely express this and cry together. Before this, I have never felt comfortable crying in front of a man.

 

He calls our current issues "teething problems" and doesn't believe that they are serious enough at all in the great scheme of things.

 

He is leaving for Europe in 3 weeks. Perhaps not the best time but I will deal. I have lined up some extra work and outings with friends. Even if he leaves me after he comes back, I will survive. No matter what happens - this is a very good experience for me and nobody can take that away.

[Star Gazer]

...calm manner.

 

You mean you were calm during the 12 hour "argument" where he cried and you physically threw yourself at him to retrain him from leaving?!?

 

I will share one of his messages today:

 

"ES, when other stupid people and their idiotic opinions make me cringe, thinking of you makes me smile and helps me keep going just noticed that a couple of minutes ago and wanted to let you know"

 

You know why he sent you that, right? Because he FEELS LIKE HE HAS TO.

[oaks]

He is leaving for Europe in 3 weeks. Perhaps not the best time but I will deal.

 

Promise?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Promise?

 

Yes. I will let him contact me when he wants to

[BetheButterfly]

Thanks Kamille. Change does take time. Even therapy can take years to really help.

 

In the past, I would have broken up with him already over the lie by omission.

 

In the past, I would have broken up with him already at the prospect of spending so much time with volleyball girl.

 

In the past, I would have hurt him back by flirting with other guys or activating my online profile.

 

One thing I just thought while reading your post... in the past, you were not with this man, but somebody else, and yes definitely, maturing is what everyone of us need to do, to learn from the past.

 

I did none of those things. Yes, we argued but I believe I had the right to be upset and it was in the calm manner.

 

True.

 

I will share one of his messages today:

 

"ES, when other stupid people and their idiotic opinions make me cringe, thinking of you makes me smile and helps me keep going just noticed that a couple of minutes ago and wanted to let you know"

 

Wow You have a treasure of a man right there.

 

What most people here don't realize is that we are both more emotional than about 99% of the people out there. We have both had similar negative experiences in going through life. He is someone who values the ability to feel and show deep emotion over pretty much anything else. He is also someone who values modesty and humility over confidence. I am the same. This creates a deep bond that is not going to break that easily. We are able to freely express this and cry together. Before this, I have never felt comfortable crying in front of a man.

 

That is awesome. What is so sad is when people think they should be "tough" and hide everything, because it just puts up walls and masks the real person. Men are human too.

 

He calls our current issues "teething problems" and doesn't believe that they are serious enough at all in the great scheme of things.

 

He is mature. Sad to say, many people break up for the slightest things, and don't seem to realize that awesome relationships are made by work, time, and caring for the other person instead of being selfish.

He is leaving for Europe in 3 weeks. Perhaps not the best time but I will deal. I have lined up some extra work and outings with friends. Even if he leaves me after he comes back, I will survive. No matter what happens - this is a very good experience for me and nobody can take that away.

 

When he goes to Europe, remember the quality of this man... and that he cares for you. Remember he is not your enemy. He is not out to hurt you. He is on your team, and even far away, he is on your team.

 

Fear of him hurting you doesn't prevent bad things from happening. The only thing that prevents him from hurting you is him making that decision. He has shown you that he is human and makes mistakes, but that he is willing to be honest with you and loves you and wants you in his life as his life partner.

 

When he's gone and even when he's here, focus on the positive. Fear just tortures. I don't know if you have ever seen Star Wars? There is an element of truth in the plot of how fear turned Annakin Skywalker to the dark side. Fear is not your friend, nor does fear help one's relationship. So instead of giving in to fear, take strength in the wonderful moments of life and enjoy everyday. Life is too precious and too short to waste on torturing oneself with fear.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Star - couple of comments.

 

Very interesting that you are not making excuses for the guy.

 

However, I feel that you are off on a few things.

 

1. BPD stands for Borderline personality disorder not bipolar. I am in no way bipolar. The change in mood in this thread reflects my emotional exhaustion the day after the long argument and feeling more refreshed 2 days after.

 

2. He is not deleting the "evidence" when I snoop. When we are together he would often get a text and tell me to get his phone and read it out for him (he has no way of knowing beforehand who the text is from). He also freely opens up his e-mail and FB private messages while I sit on his lap. Again, he has not way of knowing what will be in there. The only possible explanation is that he really has nothing to hide.

[nyc_guy2003]

2. He is not deleting the "evidence" when I snoop. When we are together he would often get a text and tell me to get his phone and read it out for him (he has no way of knowing beforehand who the text is from). He also freely opens up his e-mail and FB private messages while I sit on his lap. Again, he has not way of knowing what will be in there. The only possible explanation is that he really has nothing to hide.

 

Either that or he has alternate accounts. Wouldn't be the first guy to do that.

[vsmini]

He is someone who values the ability to feel and show deep emotion over pretty much anything else. He is also someone who values modesty and humility over confidence. I am the same.

 

Well valuing the ability to feel and show deep emotion is useless if it is not accompanied by a healthy dose of reason.

Modesty and humility over confidence? That's just a really, really generous way of saying (yet not admitting) heavy insecurity.

 

Of course the both of you have good qualities but don't try to flower up the language so you continue to be in denial.

 

Why are you still refusing to acknowledge the snooping ES? Many people have asked you about it but you seem to just buzz right over it in your posts.

[Pog Form]

Poor guy has to give you detailed play-by-play of his night out?

[vsmini]

Weird timing - you must have addressed it just as I was asking about the snooping. NM

[Star Gazer]

Star - couple of comments.

 

Very interesting that you are not making excuses for the guy.

 

However, I feel that you are off on a few things.

 

He was wrong, but you are wrong as well. VERY wrong, and you need REAL HELP. You will continue to SUFFER and experience PAIN so long as you rely on LS as your sole form of comfort and advice. You need professional help, perhaps even medication (like anti-anxiety meds), and I'm saying that sincerely, not to pick a fight.

 

1. BPD stands for Borderline personality disorder not bipolar. I am in no way bipolar. The change in mood in this thread reflects my emotional exhaustion the day after the long argument and feeling more refreshed 2 days after.

 

I've watched you go from a high to a low within hours of just being on LS, which is either a sign of dramatic mood changes (bipolar) or proof that LS is doing you absolutely no good. It's like a diary for you, and diarying doesn't help people who need REAL help.

 

2. He is not deleting the "evidence" when I snoop. When we are together he would often get a text and tell me to get his phone and read it out for him (he has no way of knowing beforehand who the text is from). He also freely opens up his e-mail and FB private messages while I sit on his lap. Again, he has not way of knowing what will be in there. The only possible explanation is that he really has nothing to hide.

 

That's what I thought with Skiman. I trusted him with every fiber of my being, and didn't think something might be up until after our R ended. I snooped after the fact, about 2 weeks after we broke up, and saw what he'd been up to for months before we broke up. Just sayin'. Nothing is fool proof.

 

That said, given that BEFORE THIS lie, he had given you absolutely no reason not to trust him, why didn't you? Why were you snooping?

[Star Gazer]

Why are you still refusing to acknowledge the snooping ES? Many people have asked you about it but you seem to just buzz right over it in your posts.

 

I want to know too. I bet good money this relationship would come to a VERY QUICK end if she disclosed her breach of his privacy.