He lied to me

[BetheButterfly]

Happy? I doubt it. A year or two from know, the OP will find herself another unsuspecting victim and dump this guy's sorry ass without thinking twice. By that time, he will be completely ruined as a person - an emotional wreck, alienated from his social circle, with no life of his own. There's a good chance he will become an alcoholic and/or a bitter misogynist.

 

In many way it's his own fault, as the guy is clearly too weak to stand up to the OP and either kick her to the curb or put her in her place. That still doesn't change the fact that the OP is a disgusting human being (and I use the term "human" very loosely)

 

I don't think he's too weak. I do think he's heavily emotionally invested in his relationship, but that is not weakness. That is vulnerability.

 

Sad to say, some men, after they have been hurt, consider vulnerability to be weakness, and that is not the case. Love = vulnerability. Maybe that's why some men have such a hard time loving a woman, because they are so scared of getting hurt/abandoned/attacked by "craziness"/cheated on that they do not allow themselves to be vulnerable and connect on an emotional level?

 

If I could give him advice, I would tell him though to be firm with her. To tell her, "Listen, you can either trust me, or not. It is your decision. If you don't trust me, we don't have much of a relationship. If you do decide to trust me, you need to let me be honest with you without threatening break up. Instead of jumping all over me for talking with my ex, why not ask what we talked about and been cool and confident with me being honest with you? I told you about her because I want open connection with you. Don't try to punish me for that. I love you and you have nothing to worry about. She is history. You are my present and I would love for you to be a part of my future, so please be confident in my love."

 

Guys who are afraid their girlfriends will freak out and go crazy on them tend to omit details, cause they don't want the drama. If however the girlfriend/wife is confident and trusting and don't "punish" the guys for telling the truth, they will tell what happened if they care and love them and want open communication. Right guys?

Edited June 26, 2011 by BetheButterfly

[betterdeal]

They both have work to do and will be much more successful at it with help, from a decent couples counsellor, for example. I don't want to see him, her or anyone else having a full-blown psychological breakdown, or for either to spread the contagion of emotionally abusive relationship dynamics.

 

There are many great books and resources out there that can help her and him on their path towards a healthy, meaningful, enjoyable relationship that doesn't depend on adrenalin to keep it alive.

[Richard Friedman]

Case in point why all men should play the field a bit before settling down. If you know you have options you won't be reduced to a whimpering eunuch like this guy. As for the the original poster, we might actually be seeing a real life case of borderline personality disorder. Very interesting.

[ascendotum]

[Case in point why all men should play the field a bit before settling down. If you know you have options you won't be reduced to a whimpering eunuch like this guy. As for the the original poster, we might actually be seeing a real life case of borderline personality disorder. Very interesting.]

 

Agreed!

 

**** me, I would have gone 'gordon ramsay' on you at the 2 hr mark, let alone 12 hrs of gruelling discussion.

My first thoughts were, this is not a healthy relationship, still I kind of agree with UOL + MC that when it comes to ES this guy probably does suit her, though she could easily resent him down the line when she gets her insecurities under control.

[oaks]

We had crazy make up sex 4 times. Condom broke once - hopefully I am not pregnant

 

 

Hope isn't a form of birth control! Emergency contraception, on the other hand...

[P&R]

 

Hope isn't a form of birth control! Emergency contraception, on the other hand...

Yes... take plan B ASAP

[bikinibeach]

where there is one little lie....there could and most likely are others.

 

for the record, i haven't been following your posts and am just looking at this issue on its own.

 

ok, he lied about hanging out with her... could he have lied about 'randomly bumping into' her? .........maybe he texted and invited her. ...maybe he bought her some drinks and they talked about old times?.........maybe they all went over to her house?......maybe he drove her home........

 

maybe she kissed him? who knows where the lies end? can you believe a liar who says they lied about one thing and not another?

 

ridiculous.

 

if you are doing something that you KNOW you need to lie about, you shouldn't do it out of respect for that person.

 

......but IF you ARE going to do it, keep it innocent, a one time thing and zip it.

 

if you are as insecure as these people are saying though, being a relationship is NOT healthy for you and will just make you miserable.

 

also, there are relationships that you can be in that will not have you EVER feeling this way! i have been in them! where the guy doesn not keep in contact with his ex, doesn't have any close female friends and maybe goes out the with guys once in a while but doesn't get hammered as hell.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't think that he is weak and pathetic. Unlike majority of female population, I don't want a man who will be all macho and strong. I have always wanted a sensitive and emotional guy who will love me and be able to feel and show deep emotions. Coldness turns me off.

 

I did my own bit of grovelling yesterday. At one point of our 12 hour argument, he decided to leave. He actually got up, got his shoes and started putting them on. I threw myself at him to physically restrain him from leaving. I was crying too. I was pathetic too. He was stiff and kept telling me that he is leaving. Few minutes later though, he softened in my arms and stayed. Later he told me that he was never going to actually leave and was only bluffing.

 

I am not going to leave him, it will be the other way around. He WILL get fed up with me and drained. He is already pretty distant in communication today - so I will let him have his space. He will decide that he can't take this anymore.

 

I have set things in motion by displaying distrust/insecurity, in turn he started walking on eggshells and omitting some information for the fear of my reaction, in turn I got even more distrustful. I think it is now past the point of no return. We haven't even talked about when we will see each other next

 

I think this relationship will turn into a big learning experience for me and hopefully will provide some good lessons after it ends

[threebyfate]

No doubt you have your own issues to address. But from the sounds of it, he too has some issues to address.

 

Deep emotions =/= drama. Strength =/= machismo. Stoic =/= coldness.

[Imajerk17]

This is going to sound mean, but I truly do hope he dumps you. Soon. I think it's what you deserve and in the long run, its the only way you'll grow.

Edited June 27, 2011 by Imajerk17

[Imajerk17]

I do wonder if this--how you behaved this weekend--is really another version of your tendency to break up with your boyfriend before he can break up with you. I mean, your relationship will end, but at least on some level you'll be able to say that it's not because of another woman, but that it is instead because of your crazy behavior.

[Ruby Slippers]

In my opinion you're well on your way in achieving it, you managed to fire at him for 12 hours until you had him crying. I can only imagine how draining that must be for him, I basically consider that (psychological) torture. At a certain point he'll start to think that you're sucking the life right out of him, draining his soul.

Yep. You're well on your way to manipulating every last shred of masculinity out of him, and then you won't respect him or desire him at all. But hey, he's letting you do it. So the sad truth is that he is a wimp.

Edited June 27, 2011 by Ruby Slippers

[Star Gazer]

I don't think that he is weak and pathetic. Unlike majority of female population, I don't want a man who will be all macho and strong. I have always wanted a sensitive and emotional guy who will love me and be able to feel and show deep emotions. Coldness turns me off.

 

Coldness turns you off? Then why did you throw yourself at him when he turned cold and stiff?:

 

At one point of our 12 hour argument, he decided to leave. He actually got up, got his shoes and started putting them on. I threw myself at him to physically restrain him from leaving. I was crying too. I was pathetic too. He was stiff and kept telling me that he is leaving.

 

You're all over the place, ES... full of inconsistency.

[betterdeal]

I have set things in motion by displaying distrust/insecurity, in turn he started walking on eggshells and omitting some information for the fear of my reaction, in turn I got even more distrustful. I think it is now past the point of no return. We haven't even talked about when we will see each other next

 

I think this relationship will turn into a big learning experience for me and hopefully will provide some good lessons after it ends

 

What do you want to happen, long term?

[Eternal Sunshine]

What do you want to happen, long term?

 

 

I don't know.

 

This episode has put a big dent in my feelings for him.

 

(not because he is a wimp) - because I feel like I can't trust him. There is no other way around it.

 

We also talked about kids. He doesn't want to have kids for the next 3-4 years. Ideally, I want them within the next 2 years.

 

I feel a lot of distance from my side right now. I don't think that he is "the one" or that we have long term future right now.

 

I am trying to decide what to do without being impulsive.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I asked my mum for advice. Even though she desperately wants me to get married, she said that what he did is a pretty big breach of trust.

 

She thinks that I did the right thing of making a big issue out of it. She is leaning towards me breaking things off over this.

 

P.S. she also said that he was perfect in every way when she and dad met him. Almost too good to be true. When something seems too good to be true, it usually is.

[Eternal Sunshine]

He sent me a couple of affectionate texts earlier today - I didn't respond because I somehow just don't feel those feelings today.

 

He just now called me twice and I didn't pick up. I don't know what to say....I am afraid of saying the wrong thing or continuing the argument.

[betterdeal]

What time is it there, and how are you feeling right now?

Edited June 27, 2011 by betterdeal

[LittleTiger]

I asked my mum for advice. Even though she desperately wants me to get married, she said that what he did is a pretty big breach of trust.

 

She thinks that I did the right thing of making a big issue out of it. She is leaning towards me breaking things off over this.

 

P.S. she also said that he was perfect in every way when she and dad met him. Almost too good to be true. When something seems too good to be true, it usually is.

 

ES, you posted exactly two hours ago on the 'looks' thread about your bf, and I quote: "Even if I became a supermodel, I wouldn't want anyone else"!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I'm seriously beginning to wonder what planet you're on. It certainly isn't the same one as the rest of us!

 

As Mme.C has pointed out several times, your bf is more trustworthy than you are. Spying on someone's emails, texts etc is far, far worse than anything he's apparently done. Did you mention that to your Mum?

 

I don't often post on your threads because you already have enough people telling you to get help. I must say they're very entertaining though - if a little predictable. Weren't you going to take time off LS to get your head sorted? All your relationships are doomed until you become emotionally healthy.

 

You are the epitome of 'high maintenance' and your bf is a saint - I hope you do end the relationship - for his sake! Or even better, I hope he reclaims his balls from you and ends it himself!

[betterdeal]

I don't think he's a saint. ES paints him in a good light, but he has his faults too. Right now, it must be early hours of the morning in the States, which suggests to me, you are missing out on sleep time. That in turn says to me you are upset.

 

My advice is to switch your phone off, relax and get some sleep. The sun will come up in the morning and a good night's sleep will help you think more clearly. You sound like you need some space and time in which to calm down. Tell him that if you wish, but don't feel obliged to.

 

You both need to calm the f*ck down and have some less edgy time. Later, get a copy of a book like Relationships for Dummies, do some research, find your inner peace, then talk with him. That may be in a day, a week, or two, depending on how long it takes for you to calm down and decide whether you want to continue the relationship.

[heartshaped]

As Mme.C has pointed out several times, your bf is more trustworthy than you are. Spying on someone's emails, texts etc is far, far worse than anything he's apparently done. Did you mention that to your Mum?

 

This.

 

Like I said in my previous post in this thread, if you want full frontal honesty in your relationship there is nothing wrong with making that the standard, but you have to abide by those rules just as he does. You go through his emails, texts, etc and don't even tell him [lying by omission] and then he runs into his ex and doesn't tell you [lying by omission] until the next day [although he tells you which you haven't told him about the snooping] and you are ready to call off the relationship.

 

You can't expect something from someone that you are not ready or willing to put forward yourself.

 

This is not a deal breaker and this is surely not something to break up over. You should discuss things, make it clear that you won't tolerate something like this again in the future, and go on about your life. You set boundaries and then either the person respects them or they cross them. Then you act. Not before.

 

And I will say to that in order for him to be fully honest with you, you have to become someone worthy of him being fully honest with.

[Mme. Chaucer]

if you want full frontal honesty in your relationship there is nothing wrong with making that the standard, but you have to abide by those rules just as he does. You go through his emails, texts, etc and don't even tell him [lying by omission] and then he runs into his ex and doesn't tell you [lying by omission] until the next day [although he tells you which you haven't told him about the snooping] and you are ready to call off the relationship.

 

You can't expect something from someone that you are not ready or willing to put forward yourself.

 

ES, will you please address where you stand on this?

[Eternal Sunshine]

ES, will you please address where you stand on this?

 

 

Yes, snooping can be seen as lying by omission. But it suggests insecurity and not trusting your partner. Having drinks with your ex and not mentioning it on the night even though you were texting your girlfriend at the time is different. It suggests possible intention to cheat. I don't feel that lie is a lie. Sure, lies are not great - but there are different degrees of lying and differing underlying motives. Killing someone and not telling your partner is a "lie by omission" - do you seriously think it is the same as the others?

 

I have been cheated on in the past and it scarred me for life. Possible cheating lies are the ones that I am super sensitive to.

 

BTW I called him back just now and we talked for few minutes. It's like we have nothing to say to each other anymore. There was just a huge distance between us - he said that he is so tired he barely made it through work (and I am too). Perhaps it's really time to call it quits.

[Eternal Sunshine]

ES, you posted exactly two hours ago on the 'looks' thread about your bf, and I quote: "Even if I became a supermodel, I wouldn't want anyone else"!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Yes, I meant to illustrate my general view on looks and trading up. It didn't reflect my feelings at the time. Having been trough a heavy and dramatic emotional experience with him over the weekend, my feelings are of course fluctuating and all over the place (his are probably too). That's why I don't want to make any major decisions right now.

[denise_xo]

Yes, snooping can be seen as lying by omission. But it suggests insecurity and not trusting your partner. Having drinks with your ex and not mentioning it on the night even though you were texting your girlfriend at the time is different. It suggests possible intention to cheat. I don't feel that lie is a lie. Sure, lies are not great - but there are different degrees of lying and differing underlying motives. Killing someone and not telling your partner is a "lie by omission" - do you seriously think it is the same as the others?

 

I strongly disagree with your interpretation here. You are hugely rationalising your own lies and magnifying his, and I think it's completely unreasonable. Snooping is a HUGE DEAL in my book and I would immediately dump a partner who had done that to me. I think it's very irresponsible and hypocritical of you that you completely downplay your own lies while magnifying his.

 

I see NO INTENTION WHATSOEVER on his part to cheat based on what you have told us. But you have put him in an impossible place. I do what he does on a regular basis with my mother. My mother goes off on extreme anxiety/ insecurity/ panic binges on a regular basis over things which no normal person would panic about. This gives me the following choices:

 

1) I can be completely honest about my normal whereabouts, which frequently results in me having to counsel her irrational fears and insecurities for anything from one hour to several days.

 

2) I can 'omit' whatever I think she might have a panic attack about, and go about my regular business.

 

No, especially if I'm out with good friends and enjoying myself, there is no way in hell I'll be going with option number one. I refuse to have her irrational fears and insecurities spoil my evening and take over my time/ parts of my life. The same applies to your boyfriend. Why should he have ruined his night out because YOU have irrational fears and insecurities?

Edited June 27, 2011 by denise_xo