"You're not my mom..."

[TinaniT]

"I want you to go away."

 

Got it today.

 

It was a very good day up to that point; we were having a blast, but over tired turned to hostility when it came time to say "No.".

 

 

All I could come back with is a lame, "Of course I'm not your mom but I love you very much and just want is best for you."

 

Eek. I guess managing not to show that it really got to me (at least I think I did) is a victory.

[whichwayisup]

Can I ask how much time your step daughter has had to adjust to all the changes of her parents splitting up and you moving in with her daddy?

 

Patience, understanding and a lot of love and care is what is needed.. Though it seems like you've handled this as best as anyone could under the circumstances.

[Emme]

:bunny:HUG:bunny:.. You did good. It might not be the last time but just try to give her space to cope. Hopefully it will get better.

[NoIDidn't]

I wouldn't worry about this too much. It happens in most step parenting situations whether there was an affair or not.

 

And I certainly said it to my step mom when I felt she was being unreasonable or unfair about something. It was my way of taking my power back because she was still a stranger that was trying to exert power over me and my activities at the time.

 

I think saying that you loved her and wanted the best for her was overkill, personally. I understand wanting to diffuse her obvious anger, but I would have said something different. Maybe just that I know I'm not her mother and leaving it at that.

 

Its a jab that a loving retort often just feels fake as a comeback, unless that's just me. All that love sounds like overcompensating (not saying you were doing that, just that's how I felt when my stepmom tried that approach).

 

Good luck. Maybe a step-parenting board is in your future?

[NoIDidn't]

Oh, forgot to add. It usually has nothing to do with you OR the actual mother. It has everything to do with Dad. You just took her dad away from her when he married you, in her mind. Now she has to compete with your access to her dad when you didn't exist.

 

That's why I say the loving retort comes across as contrived. Its not about you, its about her dad. He's the one that needs to talk about his love for her. She probably doesn't care if you love her right now or not, but she definitely is trying to figure out why her dad put a layer between her and him.

 

When my dad started taking me on weekly dates, the hostilities with my stepmom, at least from me to her, disappeared.

[whichwayisup]

How old is she?

[BB07]

Ouch.........I bet that hurt a bit but it sounds like you handled it pretty well.

 

The posters who has a step mom can be helpful I'm sure as they can relate to how the child feels.

 

Others suggestions of a step parenting forum sounds helpful.

 

Good luck!

[jwi71]

"I want you to go away."

 

Got it today.

 

It was a very good day up to that point; we were having a blast, but over tired turned to hostility when it came time to say "No.".

 

 

All I could come back with is a lame, "Of course I'm not your mom but I love you very much and just want is best for you."

 

Eek. I guess managing not to show that it really got to me (at least I think I did) is a victory.

 

Did you have the kids in therapy?

There was the loss of her "normal" world then the introduction of you and then you being step-mom. Many huge changes for children to cope with. If not, I would suggest it so you can better determine how "deep" this runs.

 

If its "normal" reaction to "no" then I wouldn't worry to much - much like NiD was referring to.

 

However, it could be the tip of a much deeper iceberg. Hard to say.

 

I do disagree with your reaction however. If her words hurt you I would have shown it and then, as calmly as possible told her those words hurt and why.

[Loni]

Where possible I tend to leave disciplinary issues to their Dad. In cases where I can't avoid it I am firm. When met with defiance (which has not happened often) I call their Dad and ask how he wants to handle. In step situations it is very important to have a united front. We do the same with my kids.

[y2k]

"I want you to go away."

 

Got it today.

 

It was a very good day up to that point; we were having a blast, but over tired turned to hostility when it came time to say "No.".

 

 

All I could come back with is a lame, "Of course I'm not your mom but I love you very much and just want is best for you."

 

Eek. I guess managing not to show that it really got to me (at least I think I did) is a victory.

 

Try to be the kid's friend instead of a "step-parent". You'll have more success.

[TurboGirl]

Try to be the kid's friend instead of a "step-parent". You'll have more success.

 

That is so true. The step parent thing takes forever to pan out. Kids won't accept discipline from someone they don't respect and it takes time for kids to adjust to the change of having you in their lives.

 

Leave the parenting to the blood parents and be a friend. I know this from experience.

[whichwayisup]

That is so true. The step parent thing takes forever to pan out. Kids won't accept discipline from someone they don't respect and it takes time for kids to adjust to the change of having you in their lives.

 

Leave the parenting to the blood parents and be a friend. I know this from experience.

 

I do agree, disipline should be done by the blood parents, but a step mom or step dad still should be able to say "no" to a child. saying no is an adult thing, reguardless if the child is hers or not.

[fooled once]

"I want you to go away."

 

Got it today.

 

It was a very good day up to that point; we were having a blast, but over tired turned to hostility when it came time to say "No.".

 

 

All I could come back with is a lame, "Of course I'm not your mom but I love you very much and just want is best for you."

 

Eek. I guess managing not to show that it really got to me (at least I think I did) is a victory.

 

Well, the kid is right. You aren't the mom to him/her. Why does that upset you? This will come up more and more as the kids grow; especially since there are probably a lot of differences in the houses.

 

Don't let those words upset you - let them empower you. They have a mom (the kids) and a dad. Don't take on 'ownership' of them. I say this to you as I have been a stepmom for 13 years. 13 long hard years. 13 long frustrating years But I finally had an "aha" moment a couple years ago..."Damn right I'm not your mom cause I would have raised you differently" (No, I never said this, just thought it).

 

Focus on raising YOUR child; and let your H raise his. I am not saying not be be friendly or good to them; but they aren't yours. It is only going to get worse when they hit teens and start to back talk, decide they don't want to visit at your house, find you "boring" ( ) or whatever. Enjoy them as much as you can, but at the end of the weekend, you get to give them back

 

Plus, there are a ton of online support groups for Stepmoms. You seem to have a better relationship than most and that is a credit to you. But don't force yourself to love them (there is no requirement for a step parent to love a step kid NOR do you have to love them like your own, which I think is ridiculous anyway).

 

Today, I have a fantastic relationship with my step daughter, but if you had seen things 7 years ago, you never would have guessed we would end up where we are today. She was very jealous that my son (from my first marriage) lived with us, of the time her dad spent with me and the fact that we had...RULES It became more evident as she got older that she had never been disciplined or had to face consequences for her actions (when she was suspended at school, her mom took her out shopping and they got pedicures). She barely graduated..we didn't find out until the day before graduation that she would even graduate - her grades were that bad. She didn't do school projects (her mom did, and obviously not that good since her grades were horrible), she was suspended 3 times, skipped classes, etc. She was quite the handful as a teenager.

 

Try not to let a kids words upset you. Validate them "you are right, I am not your mom and you will not speak to me that way/disrespect me/act like that". But do not ever let that sucker you into giving in to them. My stepdaughter has told me repeatedly that she respects me because I didn't give in to her and I didn't allow her to run over me. She said she has zero respect for her mother because she never stuck by any punishments.

[fooled once]

Oh, forgot to add. It usually has nothing to do with you OR the actual mother. It has everything to do with Dad. You just took her dad away from her when he married you, in her mind. Now she has to compete with your access to her dad when you didn't exist.

 

That's why I say the loving retort comes across as contrived. Its not about you, its about her dad. He's the one that needs to talk about his love for her. She probably doesn't care if you love her right now or not, but she definitely is trying to figure out why her dad put a layer between her and him.

 

When my dad started taking me on weekly dates, the hostilities with my stepmom, at least from me to her, disappeared.

 

Yep. I made sure my stepdaughter and I did a "girls night" once a month. Just her and me - dinner and window shopping. It really helped us.

 

I do agree, disipline should be done by the blood parents, but a step mom or step dad still should be able to say "no" to a child. saying no is an adult thing, reguardless if the child is hers or not.

 

Ditto again. No step parent should ever lay hands on a step child - period. But you should be able to discipline verbally (like saying no) and the kid has to learn that you are the adult and not him/her.

[RepairMinded]

"I want you to go away."

 

Got it today.

 

It was a very good day up to that point; we were having a blast, but over tired turned to hostility when it came time to say "No.".

 

 

All I could come back with is a lame, "Of course I'm not your mom but I love you very much and just want is best for you."

 

Eek. I guess managing not to show that it really got to me (at least I think I did) is a victory.

 

Wrong response.

 

Tired or not, she was treating you with disrespect and challenging your authority.

 

I would have said: "I'm not going anywhere. Don't even think about throwing down with me young lady because that's a fight you have no chance of winning." Say it in a calm voice and look her straight in the eye when you do.

 

You got to quash this nonsense immediately and hard or she will be running rings around you and making your life miserable.

 

She's a fourteen year old, you're an adult. It's up to you to role model appropriate behavior and set strong boundaries for her to follow (when she's around you) and be prepared to enforce them.

 

Admittedly since you are a person who has been in an affair you probably have lots of problems with boundaries and enforcing them. You'll have to get over that now.

[RepairMinded]

I honestly don't blame the kid, and most likely, at her age she'll "defy" you even more and rightfully so. She'll "adjust" in a year or so, but don't expect her to be so casual or when she no longer wishes to stay when she reaches 18.

 

I don't know what the backstory is but get the impression that the OP is in the child's life as a result of having an affair with her father, resulting in the end of his marriage. If so, from the child's perspective, the child is correct--you don't belong in her life.

 

On the other hand, from your perspective, either your place in her father's life, and hence hers, is legitimate, or it's not. If you think it's legitimate, don't tolerate any disrespect.

 

If your place in his and her life is fundamentally illegitimate, because you broke up her parents' marriage, then the kid is right.

[Mimolicious]

"I want you to go away."

 

Got it today.

 

It was a very good day up to that point; we were having a blast, but over tired turned to hostility when it came time to say "No.".

 

 

All I could come back with is a lame, "Of course I'm not your mom but I love you very much and just want is best for you."

 

Eek. I guess managing not to show that it really got to me (at least I think I did) is a victory.

 

 

Actually, it would have been "lame" if you came up with something nasty. I think it was good on your part to reply with such. I mean, unless you feel like you are lying and you really don't care for the little one.

 

It's a tough road... good luck!

[RepairMinded]

Yup it's true. Helped break up the marriage, OP's stepdaughter's mother had temporary insanity and tried to kill herself, both OP and her father unremorseful about it, the list goes on. Darn shame.

 

If all this is actually true and not some kind of exaggeration then there is no way the step-daughter is ever going to tolerate the OP's presence in her life.

 

This is not simply adolescent rebellion.

 

Telling this child that you "loved" her just rubs salt in her wounds.

 

This is going to be one messed-up, vengeful child.

[alexandria35]

I wouldn't worry about this too much. It happens in most step parenting situations whether there was an affair or not.

 

And I certainly said it to my step mom when I felt she was being unreasonable or unfair about something. It was my way of taking my power back because she was still a stranger that was trying to exert power over me and my activities at the time.

 

I think saying that you loved her and wanted the best for her was overkill, personally. I understand wanting to diffuse her obvious anger, but I would have said something different. Maybe just that I know I'm not her mother and leaving it at that.

 

Its a jab that a loving retort often just feels fake as a comeback, unless that's just me. All that love sounds like overcompensating (not saying you were doing that, just that's how I felt when my stepmom tried that approach).

 

Good luck. Maybe a step-parenting board is in your future?

 

I really agree with the above. I took a look at your history and see that as little as one year ago you hadn't even met the kids. I find it doubtful that you love them, especially the older ones. I don't mean that in a way to belittle you, but being realistic it takes a long time and lots of interaction before one can truly love somebody else's kids and with teenagers it probably takes years. You didn't say if this conflict occured with the youngest child or one of the older ones, but kids aren't stupid and they instictively know who really loves them. You could say that you care about them or have concern for them but don't insult them by saying you love them.

[whichwayisup]

I really agree with the above. I took a look at your history and see that as little as one year ago you hadn't even met the kids. I find it doubtful that you love them, especially the older ones. I don't mean that in a way to belittle you, but being realistic it takes a long time and lots of interaction before one can truly love somebody else's kids and with teenagers it probably takes years. You didn't say if this conflict occured with the youngest child or one of the older ones, but kids aren't stupid and they instictively know who really loves them. You could say that you care about them or have concern for them but don't insult them by saying you love them.

 

I agree with this completely. Saying you love them when you truly don't know them at all, could come off as fake to them. I like the suggestion saying you care and will always be there for them no matter what. Love, especially trust, has to be earned with kids, especially teens. Younger ones can get attached and the love just happens naturally as little ones seem to not think much about it. Be a friend first, not a step parent. In time as you all blend as a family unit, then maybe one day they'll see you 'step mom' but now? NO WAY, as it's been less than a year, so lower your expectations, expect the worst, hope for the best.

[jj33]

Titani I think your answer was brilliant. Its hard having a new step parent and she needs boundaries and you set them in a nice way.

 

Shes in your house and she needs to follow your rules while she is there, but theres no need to be nasty or aggressive about it (and so I totally disagree with the other posters).

 

Its not fun being a teenager and being sent without choice to a house where your parent has "other priorities" ie a new spouse and family. Teenage girls are notoriously rebellious anyway but they have a secure relationship with their own parents from which to express their growing independence. Add a step parent into the mix and its even more difficult.

 

It will take time but I am sure she will come around. There is also the issue of her mother and not wanting to be disloyal to her by liking you. Its not easy for either of you.

[pureinheart]

Where possible I tend to leave disciplinary issues to their Dad. In cases where I can't avoid it I am firm. When met with defiance (which has not happened often) I call their Dad and ask how he wants to handle. In step situations it is very important to have a united front. We do the same with my kids.

 

I've never had to deal with step kids, although was one myself and was always respectful. 100% agree with what you've said...I refuse to deal with defiance...never tolerated it from my own and would definitely not deal with it from another.

[OWoman]

Tina, I've been a step-parent in both of my Ms. I didn't get the "you're not my mom" line either time but I/we did get "but at mom's house we're allowed XYZ..." which is a different issue and easier to deal with because it's situational and not personal.

 

I think your response was cool. You need to respond authentically (whether or not posters here feel it is "most suitable" or not - they don't know you or her, so they're projecting from their own situations) or else your response will feel "off" to her. If you do love her and want what's best for her, saying so is fair enough. If you want to draw a line because her behaviour is offensive, then telling her so is also OK. She may have different rules with her mother or be allowed to behave in different ways, but that's a different R and she needs to adjust to your boundaries when she's in your space, the same way that she adjusts to the rules of the school when she's there, whether they are different or not to her home rules.

 

As for whether to let her know that she hurt you - I'd agree that it's best not to. My step-daughter broke up the R between her mother and the love of her mother's life because the adults ceded her too much power by confessing exactly those kinds of things to her. And so every time she wanted to wound them, she'd know exactly how to do it, and did it with glee (she was going through a rough time at school at the time and it was redirected aggression, pure and simple, but that didn't help them). Now, decades later, she feels awful about that, has apologised to both of them countless times (they've both subsequently married other people, spawned families and moved on - but she still feels bad about it) and really wishes that it had been different back then. If you want to say something about it, I'd rather say something like "that's not a very nice thing to say!" rather than telling her she has the power to wound you. (IMO that would be a bit like handing her a sharp knife and telling her not to stab you with it because it would cause injury.)

 

Good luck. I hope you get through this stage quickly

[pureinheart]

Don't have affairs then none of this would be going on. Those kids have a say.

 

The opposite of this would be to not break all of the other wedding vows and maybe there wouldn't be A's:rolleyes:

[RepairMinded]

To be blunt you're trying to come off as smart and you didn't even make any sense. Cheating is never justified, nor is telling a kid who is not of your biology, what to do, if you were an affair partner with one of their parents and helped destroy a marriage.

 

It's kind of mind-boggling that in the name of "supporting" OP most of the responders are completely glossing over the fact that it was OP herself who helped to break up the step-child's family. Others have questioned whether OP actually could "love" the child and it's obvious that she really couldn't.

 

What was left unsaid, is how easily such a lie--"I love you child"--comes to the person's lips. I wonder why. Why is it so easy for some people to totally defile the child's family, and having done so, turn around and mouth false platitudes about "loving" the child that she herself caused such grave harm?

 

This step-child has every right to be angry at OP who is perceived as an interloper into the child's family. For a cheater/OW to talk of setting "boundaries" for the child is ludicrous. The example given by the step parent is that it's OK to lie, it's OK to cheat, it's OK to wreck someone else's family. That's what the step child is learning here.

 

The stepchild wasn't given any input into whether her family should be destroyed.