RepairMinded Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 If you do love her and want what's best for her, saying so is fair enough. If you want to draw a line because her behaviour is offensive, then telling her so is also OK. OP has zero moral authority to tell this child what is "best for her" and zero moral authority to tell this child the child's behavior is "offensive." I would say that OP's having cheated with the child's father on the child's mother is pretty much 100x more "offensive" than anything the child could ever say or do to the OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 To be blunt you're trying to come off as smart and you didn't even make any sense. Cheating is never justified, nor is telling a kid who is not of your biology, what to do, if you were an affair partner with one of their parents and helped destroy a marriage. It made perfect sense, as there are more vows than "forsaking all others", and if those were followed there might not be A's...what is not to understand? I never said that the step-parent should tell the child what to do. Usually M's are destroyed long before the AP exists. Link to post Share on other sites
RepairMinded Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 The fourteen year old step child has a better sense of right and wrong than does the OP. Ironic but true. The kid should be supervising the "adult," not the other way around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TinaniT Posted June 29, 2011 Author Share Posted June 29, 2011 Yup it's true. Helped break up the marriage, OP's stepdaughter's mother had temporary insanity and tried to kill herself, both OP and her father unremorseful about it, the list goes on. Darn shame. That's not quite true. Their mother didn't try to kill herself until her boyfriend who was in the marriage years before I ever was broke up with her and then my husband wouldn't go back. That I feel no remorse is also not true. Point taken, though. And the place I have to respond is what makes it hard; still feeling out appropriate places I do love his kids, though. I don't care that it hasn't been that long. I do. They are amazing people. This was not the youngest but the second youngest, not a teenager. I said no to fast food. We don't normally have problems, but have been go-go-go and the kids have gotten overtired. That is my fault, unfortunately, I've been trying to fit too much "fun" in while they are here. My husband was at work, and has been, so it's just been me with the 5 kids each day. I didn't think my reply was the best; but it's all I had. I felt I had to say something, not just stand there mouth agape. and it was true. Link to post Share on other sites
4321sn Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Haven't read through all the responses so forgive me if I missed something. It seems to me that regardless of the circumstances of how the relationship formed (affair or no affair), the OP is NOW the stepmother to these children and she has every right to discipline and guide them when they are under her supervision. She was alone with 5 children on the day in question. She is no longer the other woman. She is a member of their family. Like it or not, right or wrong the kids have to cope. That being said the kids are also completely justified in feeling hostile towards OP. It is a difficult situation and it seems that OP has a good head on her shoulder...she seems to be very understanding and patient. It will take time... Link to post Share on other sites
4321sn Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 BTW...I was in the position of the OP's stepdaughter...my mother left my father for my stepfather. I also have a stepmother. As I child although I must have felt angry and resentful, I accepted that my stepparents were going to have a hand in raising me...telling me right from wrong and disciplining me. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Where possible I tend to leave disciplinary issues to their Dad. In cases where I can't avoid it I am firm. When met with defiance (which has not happened often) I call their Dad and ask how he wants to handle. In step situations it is very important to have a united front. We do the same with my kids. Really good way to handle it. :) Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 That is so true. The step parent thing takes forever to pan out. Kids won't accept discipline from someone they don't respect and it takes time for kids to adjust to the change of having you in their lives. Leave the parenting to the blood parents and be a friend. I know this from experience. Sometimes this just doesn't work, though. Sometimes the step-parent simply must parent as the blood parent isn't present. This is especially true in a blended family where there are your kids and his kids. If the present parent doesn't parent all the children, that causes even more divisions. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 That's not quite true. BTW, we've found in the infidelity forum that simply ignoring those we've come to refer as the hydra seems to work best..... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts