Don't know how to get out of doomed marriage

[Essie]

I have been married for over five years, have known my husband for over ten years. (He was my first man)During the past couple of years we have just grown apart, but my husband really loves me and I don't know how to tell him this is just not going to work.

 

Because of our jobs we are often apart, and when we are together he is really controlling and jealous. I revert back to a "scared little girl" when I am with him because I also have huge "abandonment issues". When I am on my own I seem to have really good luck and do well. Since I've been away I've lost weight and gotten back alot of self-confidence I had lost while living with my husband. I'm not saying he is responsible for this lack of self-confidence, but I have been affected by it.

 

I am alot younger than my husband (12 years) in age and also in spirit even though he isn't really that "old" he sometimes acts like a sixty-year-old man. We have different cultural upbringings. Me, from a Yuppie Jewish background and him from a Polish Catholic one (he lied to me about this when I first met him).

 

I just don't know how to tell him it is "time" to move on. A BIG dilema in this is that we have a gorgeous seal-point Siamese cat that we both ADORE! He is like our "child" and I just can't imagine not being able to see my cat again because I know he would get the rights to our cat. (this may sound trivial, but it's NOT) Sometimes when my husband gets mad he threatens?blackmails me with stuff about how if I don't "do something he wants" I will never see the cat again. What would you advise me to do?

[Tony T]

If you have decided your marriage is irreconcilable, talk to an attorney. The ownership of the cat is held jointly by you and your husband.

 

A good attorney can make a compelling case for you being your pet's principle custodian but your husband would have visitation rights. Worst case scenario, you would share custody on a 50/50 basis. You may even be entitled to cat support for payment of food, veterinary bills, annual innoculations, litter, pooper scoopers, grooming expenses, flea baths, etc. There should also be provisions for sharing burial expenses of the cat upon its death. Worst case scenario, you would share all these expenses on a 50/50 basis.

 

Be sure in the agreement that you provided for disposition of any offspring that may result from mating of the pet. Since they would, in essence, be your grandchildren you would share visitation rights as well until they were old enough to give to proper homes.

 

I really love animals myself but to remain in an unfulfilling relationship for the remainder of your pet's life because of concern over seeing it is bizarre.

 

You should be sure your cat fully understands the separation and possible ultimate divorce from your husband and it should be completely assured that it was in no way the cause of such action.

[Deejette]

I think it's mean of your husband tothraten you with never seeing your cat again. I gave up my cats to my ex because it would have been cruel to keep them from him and him from them (or to separate them from each other). I got visitation rights though. But threats like that show that he is controlling and you are probably best away from him to find someone more compatible with you and set him free to do the same. My ex is with a woman who really loves him, instead of merely tolerating him the way I did.

If you have decided your marriage is irreconcilable, talk to an attorney. The ownership of the cat is held jointly by you and your husband. A good attorney can make a compelling case for you being your pet's principle custodian but your husband would have visitation rights. Worst case scenario, you would share custody on a 50/50 basis. You may even be entitled to cat support for payment of food, veterinary bills, annual innoculations, litter, pooper scoopers, grooming expenses, flea baths, etc. There should also be provisions for sharing burial expenses of the cat upon its death. Worst case scenario, you would share all these expenses on a 50/50 basis. Be sure in the agreement that you provided for disposition of any offspring that may result from mating of the pet. Since they would, in essence, be your grandchildren you would share visitation rights as well until they were old enough to give to proper homes. I really love animals myself but to remain in an unfulfilling relationship for the remainder of your pet's life because of concern over seeing it is bizarre. You should be sure your cat fully understands the separation and possible ultimate divorce from your husband and it should be completely assured that it was in no way the cause of such action.