How best should I handle child sexual abuse?

[2010_Sorry]

Sigh. This has been an incredibly difficult, painful week for me and my boys.

 

I married a man that had a 8 year old son back in 2003. I brought a 4 year old son to the marriage and we went on to have two additional boys through our marriage. We were divorced 2 years ago.

 

Fast forward to this week. My son (from a previous relationship... the one that was 4 when I got married) just told me that his step-brother sexually abused him for a few years before we moved out. I became physically sick. Then uncontrollably sad... then angry. In the midst of this, my middle son told me his half brother (same one) did the same sexual abuse to him too. He is only 8 right now.

 

I asked my ex-husband (the offender's dad) to come over and talk to the boys. He came over the day that all of this came out and saw the two boys crying. The son we share together couldn't even bring himself to "say" what happened, he would turn and wince.

 

We didn't push the issue. I made counseling appointments with a local counselor that specializes in child counseling for next week. I reassured the boys that they did nothing wrong, that this does not mean that they are "gay" or "not gay" and that mom and dad love them very much.

 

My ex-step son has admitted to this sexual abuse and is willing to go to counseling.

 

My heart is broken. I'm going through so many emotions. I feel like it bothers ME more than it bothers my boys!! I feel like I'm walking uphill in the dark... I have no idea what to expect.

[LadyErin]

Wow. What a heartbreaking situation you are in.

 

The perspective I offer is one that your boys may share. Everyone is different though, so I may have no idea what your boys are going through.

 

I was molested by an uncle for years. I finally told someone at school when I was 12 (7 years ago). It was by far the most difficult time in my life so far. I had kept the knowledge of my abuse a secret throughout my childhood. All that emotion and all the dirty feelings were pent up. When I was 12 and finally told someone about it, it was like all those emotions from all those years hit me like a flood. It was overwhelming.

 

I know I did not wish to speak with my parents about it. Having to tell the school social worker and the police was enough. This was a secret I could barely admit to myself, and it was even more difficult to admit it to my parents.

 

I think it is good that your kids go to counseling. I know I benefited being able to speak with someone about the issues - but it was important for it to be with someone outside the family and situation. You may need to go to a few people before you and your sons are comfortable with someone. There was one therapist that annoyed the hell out of me, and there was another I loved (and consider a friend today). Ask your kids if they want to try someone new after a couple sessions or if they are happy.

 

One thing I wish my parents had done better was to let me have a say. The abuse was already out of my control when it was occurring. After I told, I felt like everything was out of my control again. I had no say in legal matters (there was no evidence, so we never followed through on the charges anyway). I had no say on who in the family knew - this still irks me to this day. There are family members with young girls who still do not know what my uncle has done, and who is to say he won't again? I felt silenced again. I am not saying you let your kids make all the decisions, but do let them have a voice about how the situation is handled. Hear them out. I know that is all I wanted.

 

Another important thing for parents - believe your kids. There are family members that do not believe me or think I misinterpreted my uncle's actions, and that breaks my heart. Fortunately, my parents always stood by me and believed me completely. I think this is especially important for your ex-husband, as it was his son that did the acts. I can't imagine what sort of turmoil he could be in. Even if your ex ever doubts, please continue to believe your boys.

 

That was incredibly long, but this is obviously an issue close to me, and it is something I've walked through with my parents and family. Of course, every family dynamic is different, and every situation unique, but I do hope I helped a bit. I can provide you with my email if you'd like further correspondence.

 

Best of luck to you.

[2010_Sorry]

Thank you LadyErin. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I appreciate all of your advice and will most definitely listen!

 

I whole-heartedly believe what my boys are saying. I know that my ex-husband is in a terrible position and I completely empathize.

 

I had not considered talking to them about the counselor selection, so I will keep communication open with them until they find someone that they feel comfortable talking to. Thank you.

 

They have already expressed concern to me that "too many" people in the family know about this news. I told my parents and brother... and I probably should not have. Being a single parent, I had nobody to talk to about this rush of emotions, the anger, the concern, the sadness... I reassured them that nobody else will know. I will let them guide me in terms of who knows what.

 

Thanks again for your response. I'm so sorry that this happened to you too... and even worse, that some members of your family don't believe you. I can't imagine....

[SincereOnlineGuy]

It sounds like the 8yo had been victimized by someone else in HIS past, in order for him to have even conjured up the idea to sexually abuse others at the age of 8.

 

Your job is to do your very best to keep your children from growing older and continuing the long cycle of abuse.

 

All involved need therapy and lots of it, for the near future.

[Heart On]

It sounds like the 8yo had been victimized by someone else in HIS past, in order for him to have even conjured up the idea to sexually abuse others at the age of 8.

 

I agree.And I would question him by whom he may have been molested.

It's cyclical to say the least.

 

Being that I just found out about an hour ago that my 10 year old daughter has been keeping a "secret" of her abuse by a female friend for the past 3 years my first response was to inform her it was NOT her fault.

 

The next one will be to call the Mother of the girl and inform her of the situation and find out if her daughter was a victim of sexual abuse before the age of 6 as that's when she first began molesting my daughter.

 

A 6 year old does NOT know what sex is,let alone how to manipulate thier victim into silence unless taught!

 

I saddens me that my child didn't feel she could trust me sooner as she knows I was sexually abused and I always told her that NO ONE was allowed to touch her privates and that I would NEVER blame her if they did and that she should come to me if anyone made her feel uncomfortable.

 

She didn't as she blamed herself for the abuse because she "allowed" it.

 

I told her she could NOT consent to having any form of sex at the age of 5!!!!!!!!!

 

She still kept silent as the girl told her she would be the one to get in trouble if she told on her.Obviously the friend knew it was wrong.

 

So yeah,it's all so sad and unfair and crazy what happens right under our noses no matter how much we think we can protect our kids.

 

Being victims by prior victims happens all the time.

 

I wish you and ALL your boys healing!