pregnant and alone.....

[Loni]

He lives his other life on the weekends, so we should all hope that you deliver on a weekday.

 

Was that really necessary? Did it make you feel better? You sound like a classic member of the BBB (bitter bitch brigade)

[MissBee]

I appreciate the input. I do understand that I will catch some flack for being the OW, and for bringing this situation upon myself. And I really do hope against hope that things will all work out in the end, and we'll be together as a family. But I'm also realistic. I know that a huge majority of these situations do not end well. I'm feeling the stress of this pregnancy, and of our situation, and am just trying to be calm on a daily basis, because it's what's best for the baby.

 

I have looked into child support and paternity issues in my state. If he's present for the birth, and signs the affadavit of paternity, he will be on the birth certificate. He plans on being there, and doing that. I can file for child support at any time after the birth, but only if he's on the birth certificate. Otherwise, we would have to go through the DNA testing process first, which I'm fine with, because I haven't been with anyone else since seeing him.

As far as telling the W, I think that's something he needs to do. She will find out eventually anyway, whether he and I are together or not. I made it clear to him from when we found out I was pregnant that I want our child to know his brothers and sister.

I guess only time will tell the true outcome of this. I do appreciate your input and wisdom, because there aren't a lot of people I can talk to about it.

 

I agree that he should be the one to tell her.

 

I think you're being pretty responsible and realistic. How you plan to proceed makes sense and is the most responsible way to go about things. You don't need to add any unnecessary stress to yourself and your baby so enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and I'm sure things will work out for you, either way.

 

 

Goodluck with everything!

[woinlove]

This...

 

He has 3 kids, 2 of which are grown, and 1 that is in high school. He tells me that he's planning on leaving, but things have to be just so before he can. He doesn't want anyone to find out that he's having an affair, because that would make him "the bad guy." He says they don't sleep in the same room anymore, and haven't in a long time.

 

...doesn't seem to be compatible with this.

 

As far as telling the W, I think that's something he needs to do. She will find out eventually anyway, whether he and I are together or not. I made it clear to him from when we found out I was pregnant that I want our child to know his brothers and sister.

 

It sounds like a problem if he says doesn't want anyone to find out he's having an affair and yet he says he will be a father to this baby. Please focus on yourself and the baby as what MM is saying doesn't quite add up and it doesn't sound like he is such a good father to his teen if he is hiding the fact that he fathered a sibling from him/her. One good parent is worth a fortune to a baby and you can be a great parent to this baby. Focus on that.

[TurboGirl]

I appreciate the input. I do understand that I will catch some flack for being the OW, and for bringing this situation upon myself. And I really do hope against hope that things will all work out in the end, and we'll be together as a family. But I'm also realistic. I know that a huge majority of these situations do not end well. I'm feeling the stress of this pregnancy, and of our situation, and am just trying to be calm on a daily basis, because it's what's best for the baby.

 

I have looked into child support and paternity issues in my state. If he's present for the birth, and signs the affadavit of paternity, he will be on the birth certificate. He plans on being there, and doing that. I can file for child support at any time after the birth, but only if he's on the birth certificate. Otherwise, we would have to go through the DNA testing process first, which I'm fine with, because I haven't been with anyone else since seeing him.

 

As far as telling the W, I think that's something he needs to do. She will find out eventually anyway, whether he and I are together or not. I made it clear to him from when we found out I was pregnant that I want our child to know his brothers and sister.

 

I guess only time will tell the true outcome of this. I do appreciate your input and wisdom, because there aren't a lot of people I can talk to about it.

 

Best for the baby or what's best for you? Seriously. I think you want to keep your MM in your life and wreck his family. Do you think his other children are going to welcome you and your little one with open arms? If so, you are deluding yourself. Plus, he hasn't even TOLD HIS WIFE YET! Come on! Think about this. You are single and trying to hold onto a MM.

 

If you want whats best for the baby, why not give the baby up to a childless couple or a family who can provide for him/her and give him/her the stability of nurturing in a loving complete family unit?

 

We will see what happens, but I'll bet that you and your child will be spending all of your time alone, and boy that will be GREAT on holidays! Just sitting there in your apartment waiting for Mr. Wonderful to return to your town from his real family. Yep, sounds like a great plan.

 

Have you really considered what is best for your unborn child? I think not.

[MissBee]

Best for the baby or what's best for you? Seriously. I think you want to keep your MM in your life and wreck his family. Do you think his other children are going to welcome you and your little one with open arms? If so, you are deluding yourself. Plus, he hasn't even TOLD HIS WIFE YET! Come on! Think about this. You are single and trying to hold onto a MM.

If you want whats best for the baby, why not give the baby up to a childless couple or a family who can provide for him/her and give him/her the stability of nurturing in a loving complete family unit?

We will see what happens, but I'll bet that you and your child will be spending all of your time alone, and boy that will be GREAT on holidays! Just sitting there in your apartment waiting for Mr. Wonderful to return to your town from his real family. Yep, sounds like a great plan.

Have you really considered what is best for your unborn child? I think not.

 

 

I think that suggestion is a bit outlandish Turbo....

 

I have no idea how old Miss D is or her financial situation, but IMO, unless she is homeless or really financially struggling and a teenager or some such, then as a grown woman with a career and especially family support there is NO need for her to give up her child!

 

Being a single parent is not the best or ideal thing, but it happens...and people get by.

 

I am a young woman who is nowhere near where I want to be financially and career wise and my decision for myself is to not start having kids until I am married to a man who has made that commitment to me and we can plan in the comfort of our personal and financial circumstances to have our kids...however, if for some reason I got pregnant now, I would not give my child up.

 

Miss D does not need to give her child up...and she is 7 months pregnant, it's much too late for her to randomly choose to give her child up to some random childless couple, that's a bit crazy! LOL. She has already accepted that the situation is less than stellar and while hoping for the best she is not delusional or completely blind to the chance that it may not work out and seems to have it together and has made plans for what to do if the worst case scenario comes.

 

There is no guarantee that the so-called stable family unit of strangers will be better...as I had married parents who raised me and there was still lots of dysfunction and my father was/is a cheater and also had outside kids. The child is going to still grow up wondering about his/her "real parents" and the story will unfold nevertheless so it may be no better than if Miss D is to love and raise her child herself in a loving single parent home. The child may end up with a loving stepfather who adopts him/her or *maybe* this married man will be there for them and *eventually* that family situation will work out. In any case...there are no guarantees and the situation no matter what is already not ideal but what's done is done, so the best of the situation has to be made...and that IMO does not mean giving her child away.

Edited June 26, 2011 by MissBee

[BB07]

Wow TurboGirl...........that was more than a little nasty. This one seems to bring the nasties out more than usual.

 

 

OP concentrate on that baby, don't wait on him, do what you have to do FOR the baby.

Edited June 26, 2011 by BB07

[Loni]

Best for the baby or what's best for you? Seriously. I think you want to keep your MM in your life and wreck his family. Do you think his other children are going to welcome you and your little one with open arms? If so, you are deluding yourself. Plus, he hasn't even TOLD HIS WIFE YET! Come on! Think about this. You are single and trying to hold onto a MM.

 

If you want whats best for the baby, why not give the baby up to a childless couple or a family who can provide for him/her and give him/her the stability of nurturing in a loving complete family unit?

 

We will see what happens, but I'll bet that you and your child will be spending all of your time alone, and boy that will be GREAT on holidays! Just sitting there in your apartment waiting for Mr. Wonderful to return to your town from his real family. Yep, sounds like a great plan.

 

Have you really considered what is best for your unborn child? I think not.

 

OMG. You think the best thing for the child is to give it away? No, that would be the best thing for her MM's "other family". For what it's worth there is nothing precluding this woman from having/keeping her baby and finding a single man who will love both her and the baby. In the meantime it's time for daddy to start paying support.

 

Hopefully this will be a lesson to men out there. A woman who does not want a baby has many options after the fact. A man who does not want a baby has none.

Edited June 26, 2011 by Loni
missing word

[Loni]

Wow TurboGirl...........that was more than a little nasty. This one seems to bring the nasties out more than usual.

 

 

OP concentrate on that baby, don't wait on him, do what you have to do FOR the baby.

 

Yes it does bring out the nasties. Personally, I believe that BS should stay away from topics that trigger them. It is counterproductive and delays their recovery.

 

The OC scenario seems to be a wife's worst nightmare.

[miss d]

I am in my 30s, have a good career, my own home, etc. I have the financial means to take care of a child. And despite what you may think of me for participating in an affair with a MM, I am a good person, with a lot of love to give. So, there is NO WAY I would give up my child.

 

I'm just trying to take this one day at a time, and to be as healthy as I can for my baby.

 

Turbogirl....should my mother have given me and my brother up for adoption when her marriage failed? It sounds like you believe there should not be single parents out there....is your family unit whole, secure, nurturing, and stable 100% of the time? If I wanted to wreck his family, I would have already called his W, and let her know all about us. I know who she is, where she lives, etc. That is not in my plans. It would not be productive for anyone.

 

I am focusing on my baby, and how I can take good care of him. I do plan on filing child support if my MM doesn't hold up his end of the bargain. I'm hoping it doesn't come to that, but life is uncertain at times. Thanks for all the support ya'll!

[woinlove]

If I wanted to wreck his family, I would have already called his W, and let her know all about us. I know who she is, where she lives, etc. That is not in my plans. It would not be productive for anyone.

 

Actually, I don't agree that is how to wreck his family. What is done is done, but his family doesn't know it yet. If MM cared about his W and his children, he would have told them when he knew he fathered a child. It would actually be kind to let them know sooner rather than later. However, you have enough on your plate taking care of yourself and MM doesn't seem to care enough, so his family will have to wait.

[Loni]

I am in my 30s, have a good career, my own home, etc. I have the financial means to take care of a child. And despite what you may think of me for participating in an affair with a MM, I am a good person, with a lot of love to give. So, there is NO WAY I would give up my child.

 

I'm just trying to take this one day at a time, and to be as healthy as I can for my baby.

 

Turbogirl....should my mother have given me and my brother up for adoption when her marriage failed? It sounds like you believe there should not be single parents out there....is your family unit whole, secure, nurturing, and stable 100% of the time? If I wanted to wreck his family, I would have already called his W, and let her know all about us. I know who she is, where she lives, etc. That is not in my plans. It would not be productive for anyone.

 

I am focusing on my baby, and how I can take good care of him. I do plan on filing child support if my MM doesn't hold up his end of the bargain. I'm hoping it doesn't come to that, but life is uncertain at times. Thanks for all the support ya'll!

 

What you not getting is that you will not be able to keep this kid secret. Even if he does keep up his end of the bargain and pays you child support at some point his wife will find out about this kid and if she files for divorce what you can legally claim for your child will not be much. If you file immediately then at least you know your kid is squared away. Right now the money he is paying you is hush money. The moment his wife finds out and the crud hits the fan you can bet those voluntary payments will stop.

[Addie'sMommy]

I have been a lurker here for a few months and feel it it time to share my story since it closely resembles your, miss d.

 

I started seeing my mm 2 years ago when I myself was still married. I was on b/c but apparently I'm one of the .01% that it fails on so needless to say we got pregnant. My daughter is now 10 months old and mm is not involved in my life as of a few weeks ago because we have come to the agreement that if he is to leave his wife then he needs to make sure that it won't work on that end so he has no regrets for leaving. He only saw her a couple times a week for maybe an hour at a time and now that she is older she is getting confused as to who he really is. I am now divorced (she was 3 months by the time it was finalized) but my ex is on her birth certificate and I prefer to keep it that way unless my ex-mm decides to become permanently involved. I don't get any financial support from him and that is my choice. I do not want my daughter involved in a triangle relationship. It is hard being a single mother but even though my daughter was born under different then normal circumstances she is definitely the joy of my life and she reminds me every day of the love me and my ex-mm shared. That little child of yours deserves a stable life without your mm coming and going all the time because it will only create stress and confusion in a small life that cannot understand that their mommy and daddy have a secret relationship. As for taking legal actions and bringing it to the attention of the bw...that is entirely your choice but I am so happy that I do not have to share visitation with my daughter or parental rights. It is all in my hands and I don't have to worry about her going on a visit to a house where the bw may despise her. It is a much healthier situation imo. Good luck with your pregnancy!

[quankanne]

another thing to think of: Whether or not your lover is listed as the child's father, you need to have someone in place to help you raise this child should something happen to you ... ideally, his/her daddy is the best person, but it really doesn't sound like he plans on letting his family know about the baby anytime soon, so he may not be the best person. And believe me, his wife is NOT going to be happy being responsible for a child he had outside their marriage while they are married.

 

do you have any siblings/close friends or relatives who will partner with you to be sort of godparents to your little one? And to be a support system to you when you need someone there to talk to or be with? From what you've written, it sounds like you've got all the immediate, practical things covered, but please, PLEASE take this extra step so that your baby will be cared for in every sense of the word if you're not able to do so yourself!

[TurboGirl]

Wow TurboGirl...........that was more than a little nasty. This one seems to bring the nasties out more than usual.

 

 

OP concentrate on that baby, don't wait on him, do what you have to do FOR the baby.

 

My point was FOR THE BABY. I have 2 friends who are single moms, 2 different scenarios. It is very difficult for both! The one child is now 18 and the father's other children want nothing to do with her - she graduated from the same high school in the same class as the father's daughter with his wife. This guy is still married to the BS and the BS knew about the pregnancy, etc., etc. That MM left my friend high & dry after the baby came... sure paid lip service and sent child support, but that was it. The other friend has a little girl who is now 4 years old with learning disabilities and my friend struggles to make ends meet and get the care her child needs. Her ex-MM moved to the other coast and she has not had the money to hire an investigator to find him so she can get the child support she needs to care for her daughter. Very difficult lives for the ladies and for the children.

 

Hence, my realistic post which was meant to shed light on what can happen. There are so many childless couples who would love to give a baby a stable loving home.

[fooled once]

Wow, he told you every single lying married man cliche in the BOOK.

 

Plan on raising this baby alone, Miss D. It's a simple fact of life.

 

The time will eventually come when you'll have to legally file for court-ordered child support when he begins to slowly fade away and the financial support starts dwindling. And both will happen.

 

Unfortunately, your story isn't unique in any way, shape or form. I've seen this story over and over and over on multiple message boards, and not ONE of them was ever positive.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Ditto. OP you really do seem to have your head in the clouds that once the baby is born (and what happens if it is on a weekend or late at night? Do you think he is just going to run to the hospital? What if there are complications? How is he going to explain his absence to his wife?) that you and he and the baby are going to be one big happy family. You think by him attending doctors appointments is support? No, support is telling his wife and other kids that he has fathered another child. He isn't doing anyone a favor by hiding all this. And your family - do they know he is married with 3 other kids? What excuses do you give them for why he isn't divorced?

 

The time for him to stand up was when you found out you were pregnant and planned to keep the baby. THAT was when he should have shown you and the child respect by owning up to this. Just because he comes by doesn't equal being a parent. Gosh, I am just so stunned that you think somehow this is going to turn out roses and sunshine. Seems the only way you are going to 'get him' is by default, when his wife finds out and kicks him out. Do you think his kids are going to open their arms to you and your baby? Please, realize that this is a fantasy.

 

As for adoption, to all the people who are so against this (and NO, I am not saying you should give up your child), there are MANY MANY children out there who are adopted and they lead great productive lives. In many cases, the biological parents loved them ENOUGH to give them up. Giving up a child is not this easy thing people who find themselves pregnant do. And so what if a child is adopted? Is that an issue? I have family members who have adopted and those kids are loved and cherished. They are children who have lovely homes and great lives. SO WHAT if they are adopted. That is really a crass thing to think that giving up a child is such a bad thing for the child.

 

How do you think this child is going to feel down the road when its father isn't in its life because daddy is married to some other lady and the childs siblings want nothing to do with him/her? Do you think that is good for the child? It will come out to the child that daddy is married. The child is going to think he/she wasn't GOOD ENOUGH for daddy to divorce his other wife.

 

And there are many spouses who DO accept the child - so when the MM in this situation files for partial custody, how does the OP think that is going to go? To know that YOU MUST give your child to the dad and his wife for the weekend, holidays? Let's make sure an accurate portrait is being painted here. If the OP really thinks daddy is going to lay eyes on the newborn and rush home to dump his wife, then she is in for a rude awakening. Daddy may do his best to continue to hide the mistress and the child; no actions to date have indicated anything else. He is STILL hiding her, still enjoying his married life and the OP has stars in her eyes thinking things are going to be different.

 

Get to a lawyer NOW. Be sure you truly do understand the laws. MANY courts will require a DNA test, regardless of who is on the birth certificate. Heck, the WIFE may require it before a dime is paid to you for c/s.

[MissBee]

Foolish One:

 

As for adoption, to all the people who are so against this (and NO, I am not saying you should give up your child), there are MANY MANY children out there who are adopted and they lead great productive lives. In many cases, the biological parents loved them ENOUGH to give them up. Giving up a child is not this easy thing people who find themselves pregnant do. And so what if a child is adopted? Is that an issue? I have family members who have adopted and those kids are loved and cherished. They are children who have lovely homes and great lives. SO WHAT if they are adopted. That is really a crass thing to think that giving up a child is such a bad thing for the child.

 

How do you think this child is going to feel down the road when its father isn't in its life because daddy is married to some other lady and the childs siblings want nothing to do with him/her? Do you think that is good for the child? It will come out to the child that daddy is married. The child is going to think he/she wasn't GOOD ENOUGH for daddy to divorce his other wife.

 

I don't think anyone, unless I read wrong, was making commentary on adoption and saying that it is a despicable thing. I was rather shocked to see this response as I didn't see anyone saying that.

 

What is being said, or what I have said better yet, is that in this situation there is no need for a woman with a career, her own home and family support to give her child up for adoption. It is not as if she is a teenager who would be struggling or a drug addict or has some terminal illness or some such that would definitely compromise her child's well being. A mother having to give up her child is a difficult thing and therefore only is done under duress (like some examples I have mentioned) and not some flippant choice one makes, just cause they can.

 

The truth is....anyone can be a parent if their organs work and anyone can adopt a child so long as they have the income and right image presented at the time of adoption. But none of this is a guarantee that a stable home will result as we've all seen. If Miss D is therefor a loving, financially stable woman who can provide a roof over her child's head and love, how is giving her child up for adoption, a better option than her keeping the child?

 

Miss D's MM clearly has kids and a wife and I am sure his household looks stable and picture perfect and he and his wife can pass for a loving couple, great for any baby...however, he has an OW who is pregnant and if it comes out, that will damage his family. My family likewise is the same way, my parents were married, in their career and by all accounts, great to have a child...and my dad cheats, had two outside kids and their relationship is not the best example and has surely given me some complexes I am working through.

 

In an imperfect world...adoption comes with it's problems, the child asking about his/her biological family and seeking them out one day and then it coming to light that Miss D gave him/her up because he/she was an outside child and in her case it would be to avoid shame or some such as apart from the dad not being able to be around, she could have kept the child. Likewise, seemingly stable 2 parent families, come with their skeletons too.

 

I still envision having my ideal family life...my husband and my kids...and I cross my fingers for that as I do believe a 2 parent home, where the parents have a HEALTHY, LOVING relationship is best for a child...but if you can't have that, growing up with a mother who loves and takes care of you, or a father who loves and cares for you, or a step parent and biological parent who loves and cares for you and provides you with healthy examples of love is good too.

 

But yea...I just think people were saying that Miss D has no legitimate reasons to give her child up for adoption, as if it were because she has no husband or because the child is an outside child or because the situation is less than ideal...then even some "stable looking families" should give their children up too as they face some of the same issues.

[Addie'sMommy]

Gosh does your exhusband think he is the father?

 

no, he was away when I got pregnant. I was up front and honest with him and he wanted to be a daddy at the time so he signed her birth certificate legally adopting her but in the end he wanted to move his new girlfriend in so I moved out. So I guess what comes around goes around in my case

[TurboGirl]

Ditto. OP you really do seem to have your head in the clouds that once the baby is born (and what happens if it is on a weekend or late at night? Do you think he is just going to run to the hospital? What if there are complications? How is he going to explain his absence to his wife?) that you and he and the baby are going to be one big happy family. You think by him attending doctors appointments is support? No, support is telling his wife and other kids that he has fathered another child. He isn't doing anyone a favor by hiding all this. And your family - do they know he is married with 3 other kids? What excuses do you give them for why he isn't divorced?

 

The time for him to stand up was when you found out you were pregnant and planned to keep the baby. THAT was when he should have shown you and the child respect by owning up to this. Just because he comes by doesn't equal being a parent. Gosh, I am just so stunned that you think somehow this is going to turn out roses and sunshine. Seems the only way you are going to 'get him' is by default, when his wife finds out and kicks him out. Do you think his kids are going to open their arms to you and your baby? Please, realize that this is a fantasy.

 

As for adoption, to all the people who are so against this (and NO, I am not saying you should give up your child), there are MANY MANY children out there who are adopted and they lead great productive lives. In many cases, the biological parents loved them ENOUGH to give them up. Giving up a child is not this easy thing people who find themselves pregnant do. And so what if a child is adopted? Is that an issue? I have family members who have adopted and those kids are loved and cherished. They are children who have lovely homes and great lives. SO WHAT if they are adopted. That is really a crass thing to think that giving up a child is such a bad thing for the child.

 

How do you think this child is going to feel down the road when its father isn't in its life because daddy is married to some other lady and the childs siblings want nothing to do with him/her? Do you think that is good for the child? It will come out to the child that daddy is married. The child is going to think he/she wasn't GOOD ENOUGH for daddy to divorce his other wife.

 

And there are many spouses who DO accept the child - so when the MM in this situation files for partial custody, how does the OP think that is going to go? To know that YOU MUST give your child to the dad and his wife for the weekend, holidays? Let's make sure an accurate portrait is being painted here. If the OP really thinks daddy is going to lay eyes on the newborn and rush home to dump his wife, then she is in for a rude awakening. Daddy may do his best to continue to hide the mistress and the child; no actions to date have indicated anything else. He is STILL hiding her, still enjoying his married life and the OP has stars in her eyes thinking things are going to be different.

 

Get to a lawyer NOW. Be sure you truly do understand the laws. MANY courts will require a DNA test, regardless of who is on the birth certificate. Heck, the WIFE may require it before a dime is paid to you for c/s.

 

SO TRUE Fooled Once. You hit on many points I forgot to mention .

 

Miss d, I wish the best for you and child. You seem like a pretty smart lady who knows what she wants. My comments were merely to bring to light what can happen - things don't always turn out as you hope & pray (yeah, you know that). I was there for my friend with the 18 year old daughter when she was a little baby with ear infections and my friend had no sleep for days because she was rocking her daughter... spent quite a few Sat & Sundays taking care her little one she could get some much needed sleep. Being a single mom is not for the faint of heart. Since you are planning on keeping your child, I hope you have some support networks in mind for those times.

[MissBee]

Fooled Once...I apologize...I typed Foolish One instead of Fooled Once...omg how horribe, I feel so bad! I saw it when I was re reading it and thought OMG if that isn't the most awkward "Freudian Slip". I couldn't change it as someone already posted after!

 

I definitely do not think you are foolish and quite admire many of your posts so wanted to quickly correct that and clarify that I was not making a sarcastic jab at you or anything but it was pure accident.

 

*hanging head in shame*

[TurboGirl]

Yes it does bring out the nasties. Personally, I believe that BS should stay away from topics that trigger them. It is counterproductive and delays their recovery.

 

The OC scenario seems to be a wife's worst nightmare.

 

Loni,

just FYI... I'm not a BS. I am a former OW. Entitled to my opinions, just like you are! :bunny:

[fooled once]

Fooled Once...I apologize...I typed Foolish One instead of Fooled Once...omg how horribe, I feel so bad! I saw it when I was re reading it and thought OMG if that isn't the most awkward "Freudian Slip". I couldn't change it as someone already posted after!

 

I definitely do not think you are foolish and quite admire many of your posts so wanted to quickly correct that and clarify that I was not making a sarcastic jab at you or anything but it was pure accident.

 

*hanging head in shame*

 

:laugh: I can't have Foolish Once as my handle, I have been foolish way more than once in my life

 

No worries.

 

Regarding my post about Adoption, I read it differently than you did - no big deal. I just know many people who have been adopted and they are "normal" healthy people. Again, putting a child up for adoption is a selfless act in so many ways; admitting you (general you ) can't raise this child. The 2 adopted children in my family know they were adopted and have met their biological mother and siblings (which in my humble opinion is too much for a 5 & 6 year old to understand nor is it that healthy). Either way, those 2 kids are loved and cherished by their parents; and very grateful that they were given the opportunity to raise the kids (different parents). Adoption over abortion in my view There is a phrase and I am going to butcher it ...something about adopted children may not come from the adopted parents body; but they are from the heart because they were chosen by the parents. Lots of people can have a baby; but it is a special someone to adopt a baby, IMHO.

[MissBee]

:laugh: I can't have Foolish Once as my handle, I have been foolish way more than once in my life

 

No worries.

 

Regarding my post about Adoption, I read it differently than you did - no big deal. I just know many people who have been adopted and they are "normal" healthy people. Again, putting a child up for adoption is a selfless act in so many ways; admitting you (general you ) can't raise this child. The 2 adopted children in my family know they were adopted and have met their biological mother and siblings (which in my humble opinion is too much for a 5 & 6 year old to understand nor is it that healthy). Either way, those 2 kids are loved and cherished by their parents; and very grateful that they were given the opportunity to raise the kids (different parents). Adoption over abortion in my view There is a phrase and I am going to butcher it ...something about adopted children may not come from the adopted parents body; but they are from the heart because they were chosen by the parents. Lots of people can have a baby; but it is a special someone to adopt a baby, IMHO.

 

Thanks for the forgiveness

 

Yes, I love that! I quite agree.

 

An aunt of mine fosters many kids and has adopted 3 of the kids she has fostered!

 

I definitely don't look down on adoption and I don't think anyone was saying they do. Miss D doesn't seem incapable of providing a loving home for a child though, which is why I felt it was unnecessary to suggest adoption in her case.

 

Too bad people aren't required to take parent tests...well I suppose they could and could probably pass it then still eff up...because so many people, even married couples, are full of issues and have ZERO clue on parenting and are in their own hot mess and decide to bring a child into it smh. Which is why I am also for gay people adopting as to me the bottom line is not about certain external charades but having an environment where that child will be loved and cared for and given the right tools to be a happy, functional, responsible adult. If people can do that, even if the family unit is atypical and not the traditional nuclear arrangement, then that's what matters IMO.

[Anna101]

I can tell you what happened to us, but bear in mind it is just ONE couple and it could go differently.

 

The same thing happened to us. We DID use protection but it failed. He wanted to abort, I wanted to keep, I decided to keep. He eventually accepted that.

 

He did NOT tell his wife until the last minute. He seperated from her before he told her. Baby was born before he told his family!

 

We had major issues a few weeks after bub was born....he was going through his breakup etc.

 

Me? Was hard but I was deleriously in love with my baby.

 

There was NEVER a question that he'd be there for the baby. There is no way on this earth he'd abandon one of his kids.

 

Anyway months and months later it all did come good. We live together now, his kids adore their half sibling etc.

 

But a baby will not make them leave, will not make them be with you, will not make a wife kick them out.

[Mimolicious]

Was that really necessary? Did it make you feel better? You sound like a classic member of the BBB (bitter bitch brigade)

 

 

That's funny Loni cause I could have sworned you were the president. LMAO:lmao: Funny, cause there was only one banned member that used to use the term.

 

Anyway, OP congratulations on your baby. This is a very special time in a woman's life to enjoy, too bad that it is under these circumstances. You do sound very sweet and also very naive. I want to say your MM may not deliver on half the promises he;s made. I mean, there is nothing he can do about paternity (a little late for that) and paying CS if you file. The rest...

 

Oh boy! wait till his W finds out!!! Think about it as an outsider for a second. Honestly, this is borderline cruel what he is doing (and sorry, you are helping him too). Why are you allowing this???????? This MM is deceiving his W and kids that perhaps it's all good in the hood, while he has another chick pregnant and planning on bouncing to be with this second family. Would you like that done to you??? It's practically being done but you are fully aware of things though. At the end as you said "We are going to be a family", so you're in the strings of hopes. I know that there are people here that are going to tell you "SO what! Who gives a fack about his W, that's not your problem, blah, blah, blah...". Come on now! You're a human being and a woman too.

 

Life has a funny way of making us pay for our mistakes and the pain we cause those we "love". Let's hope you don't have a daughter and life gets even the day you see her hurt with matters of the heart.

 

I personally think that it is too late for the shenanigans. Everyone should start acting like adults and start saying the truth. At the end, this involves innocent children. You'll be surprised, because of the way that this is being handled, his other children may never meet their sibling.

You're not doing anyone a favor by helping this guy live a double life, on the contrary.

 

This is not fair to anyone...

[Mimolicious]

Ditto. OP you really do seem to have your head in the clouds that once the baby is born (and what happens if it is on a weekend or late at night? Do you think he is just going to run to the hospital? What if there are complications? How is he going to explain his absence to his wife?) that you and he and the baby are going to be one big happy family. You think by him attending doctors appointments is support? No, support is telling his wife and other kids that he has fathered another child. He isn't doing anyone a favor by hiding all this. And your family - do they know he is married with 3 other kids? What excuses do you give them for why he isn't divorced?

 

The time for him to stand up was when you found out you were pregnant and planned to keep the baby. THAT was when he should have shown you and the child respect by owning up to this. Just because he comes by doesn't equal being a parent. Gosh, I am just so stunned that you think somehow this is going to turn out roses and sunshine. Seems the only way you are going to 'get him' is by default, when his wife finds out and kicks him out. Do you think his kids are going to open their arms to you and your baby? Please, realize that this is a fantasy.

 

As for adoption, to all the people who are so against this (and NO, I am not saying you should give up your child), there are MANY MANY children out there who are adopted and they lead great productive lives. In many cases, the biological parents loved them ENOUGH to give them up. Giving up a child is not this easy thing people who find themselves pregnant do. And so what if a child is adopted? Is that an issue? I have family members who have adopted and those kids are loved and cherished. They are children who have lovely homes and great lives. SO WHAT if they are adopted. That is really a crass thing to think that giving up a child is such a bad thing for the child.

 

How do you think this child is going to feel down the road when its father isn't in its life because daddy is married to some other lady and the childs siblings want nothing to do with him/her? Do you think that is good for the child? It will come out to the child that daddy is married. The child is going to think he/she wasn't GOOD ENOUGH for daddy to divorce his other wife.

 

And there are many spouses who DO accept the child - so when the MM in this situation files for partial custody, how does the OP think that is going to go? To know that YOU MUST give your child to the dad and his wife for the weekend, holidays? Let's make sure an accurate portrait is being painted here. If the OP really thinks daddy is going to lay eyes on the newborn and rush home to dump his wife, then she is in for a rude awakening. Daddy may do his best to continue to hide the mistress and the child; no actions to date have indicated anything else. He is STILL hiding her, still enjoying his married life and the OP has stars in her eyes thinking things are going to be different.

 

Get to a lawyer NOW. Be sure you truly do understand the laws. MANY courts will require a DNA test, regardless of who is on the birth certificate. Heck, the WIFE may require it before a dime is paid to you for c/s.

 

The bolded- That's a possibility. I do have a twist to that. Would it be ok for his other children to feel as if they were not "good enough" because daddy left their family and mother to go be with OW and OC? See things are not only pne dimmention. Nobody wins.

 

Sad that children have to pay the high price. People fool around and in the heat of the moment can create a life of issues. I don't find anything sweet about it...

 

A child is a blessing OP, (the odoption option sounds a bit extreme on this case. Sounds like you got your own). Single parenting is tough but very rewarding. You'll be surprised, you are probably better of raising this child alone and not with the clown of your MM. Besides, millions of single parents find amazing partners who they can raise a family with.