5 Months After She Walked Out

[mtd4249]

I was with my ex for 16 years, but about 5 months ago she took me by surprise and said she needed "space". She took 3 months leave from her job under the pretence she was coming back and went back to the city where her family lives (and from where we had moved about 5 years ago). There were no arguments or signs that there was something wrong and she never communicated to me that she was unhappy. In fact, just 8 weeks before she left, we were in America having a seemingly good vacation. She told me she was leaving the day after her 36th birthday and of course I was taken completely off guard because I had not done anything wrong to her in 16 years - I had never cheated or abused her in anyway. The closest I got to "why" is she was bored and missed her family ... still not convinced they're legitimate reasons to walk out on someone after 16 years! After she left, she hardly ever talked to me on the phone and even told me that I was trying to manipulate her by sending flowers and a necklace in the first week she was away. She went completely off the rails and acting half her age - drinking heavily, nightclubbing etc. And, I got all the usual lines like "I love you but not in love with you" and "I settled down too young" (ironically, by settling down her and I had achieved a financial position so she could stop work for the rest of her life and concentrate on starting a family AND we had built our second new house about 3 years ago)! About a week after she left, I discovered she had a phone sex fling with some guy she met online during that first week away ... and, from there, things collapsed. She called off the relationship, quit her job here and never returned.

Devastated is an understatement for the impact on me ... she was both my partner and best friend, so her abandoning me in a city where I have no family and very few friends was like rubbing salt into the wound.

She came back to this city at the beginning of April to quit her job in person and to collect her clothes -- but, emotionally I couldn't see her. There was no point in my mind .. she wasn't coming back to reconcile or try to make things work, she was coming back to leave again. And to talk to her was pointless .. when I would ask "why" she would answer "I don't know" or "my mind is made up". So, I told her I wouldn't see or talk to her when she was here - I boxed her clothes and left them on the street curb for her to collect! Of course, I am accused of cutting communication with her by her family --- yet, in reality, she was the one who didn't want to talk to me from the moment she walked out. I always had the door open to talk and reconcile until the point where she "made her mind up" to fold on the relationship.

Anyway, for about 2.5 months after her coming back to get her clothes I maintained NC. Then last weekend, she makes contact with me on Facebook to ask how I am and how the two dogs are that we raised from pups (and who, needless to say, she also walked out on!). A couple of days later she contacts me again on Facebook to tell me that deep down she will always care about me!! Then again today I get a message from her on Facebook, asking how I am, giving me her new phone number and asking if I could send her some photos of the two dogs.

Why is she doing this? Why did she give me her new phone number - is this a veiled invitation to call her from someone who was never good at communicating what she wants? Has she not comprehended the magnitude of her actions? In some ways I feel sorry for her (despite all the pain she has caused me) -- she was not a nasty person for 16 years and then suddenly she goes off the rails -- I feel sorry for her because I think she has ruined her own life by making a mistake. Is she missing her former life and that's why she's asking for pics of the dogs? She has made a life-changing decision to leave an otherwise good 16 year relationship and to make that decision she should have been completely prepared to move on from her former life -- but if she will always care about me (as she says), is she the classic case of the ex who realizes her mistake and comes crawling back when the grass dies on the otherside? Confusing!!!

[truthbeknown]

sounds like a good ole case of borderline personality disorder. google bpd forum and read up on it. My ex of 20 years told her family that after 20 years i came back from a business trip and decided to leave her. That was what she told her friends and family but the real truth is that she asked me for a divorce. The reason they make contact sometimes after is that the other person they are with drops them or realizes that there is something emotionally off with them. Because women tend to have bpd more prevalent than men it is one theory that at a certain age the brain chemistry changes due to hormonal fluctuations and then they start acting different. Anyway the boards might help you cope by reading other stories and information.

[lovesickmonkey]

The story sounds very familiar. I think she is having a very difficult time empathizing with you. If she truly put herself in your shoes she would understand not only how devastated you are but how contacting you would be painful and disruptive. My ex behaved this way. From her point of view, she fell out of love with me months before she left me, and I think she assumes the same about me. She felt it was perfectly okay to assume we would continue as before only just as friends. If she put herself in my place she might have known how hurtful that suggestion was. Your ex seems to have no idea what these messages are doing to you. I seriously doubt that they are any indication she is hoping for reconciliation. You could either tell her to stop writing because of the anguish and confusion she is causing or simply "block" her on Facebook, ending the possibility of future messages. It's difficult but important.

[Downtown]

sounds like a good ole case of borderline personality disorder.

Not to me,Truth. BPDers (those with strong BPD traits) typically exhibit emotional instability, temper tantrums, verbal or physical abuse, black-white thinking, lack of impulse control, inappropriate anger, frequent blaming (i.e., projection), and low self esteem. Significantly, MTD mentions none of those things. Moreover, although a small portion of BPDers are "quiet" (not exhibiting the temper tantrums or verbal abuse), they still punish their spouses with frequent icy withdrawals and passive aggressive remarks. MTD does not mention that either. Indeed, the only thing MTD does mention that reminds me of BPDer behavior is his W's abrupt, sudden flip from loving him to devaluing him.

one theory that at a certain age the brain chemistry changes due to hormonal fluctuations and then they start acting different.

Truth, my understanding is that BPD is firmly entrenched as damage to the emotional core before a person is five years old. Although the cause has not yet been proven to a certainty, the prevailing theory -- and belief of most psychologists -- is that BPD is caused partly by genetics and partly by early childhood trauma, e.g., abuse or abandonment. Unless, it is very severe, BPD does not start showing itself until about age 15, at which time the person is trying to establish LTRs outside the family.

 

Hence, because BPD seriously damages the person's self image and distorts her perception of other peoples' motivations, it undermines her ability to sustain LTRs outside the family from age 5 onward. I therefore have never heard of BPD traits lying dormant for 40 years and then suddenly showing themselves at the end of a 20-year marriage. Yet, if you have seen professionals discussing such a possibility, I ask that you please tell me where the article can be found. Because there is much I don't understand about BPD, I am always eager to learn more. I am not a professional. Rather, I am just a man who lived with a BPDer exW for 15 years, during which time I took her to weekly sessions with six different psychologists.

Women tend to have bpd more prevalent than men.

Maybe so. Certainly, that is what psychologists believed for at least four decades. Yet, the only large scale study ever done (of nearly 35,000 American adults) found that the lifetime incidence of BPD (at the diagnostic level) is about 6% for men as well as for women. Since that result was published in 2008, no other study has been released to dispute this finding. Yet, my own experience with BPDers online and in my personal life is that there are more female BPDers than male.

[mtd4249]

Thanks for replying to my post. I'm really not sure what she's suffering from ... I suspect, from her behaviours, that she's going through a major midlife crisis meltdown. If that's the case, it will be impermanent and one day she will snap out of it then look around wondering what she has done to her life.

lovesickmonkey -- I always have thought to myself how she would be and how she would react if the shoe was on the other foot. How would she be if I deserted her, went cold on her, found a girl for a phone sex fling! But, I wouldn't do that to someone who hadn't done anything wrong to me ... my philosophy is to treat people the way I want to be treated. I think you're also right about our ex's falling out of love months before leaving ... whereas we never stopped loving them. I'm convinced my ex also thinks we can be friends .... but I don't think the reality of her decision has hit her yet. I don't think she realizes that she has made a life-changing decision ... she thinks she can kick me down and continue to kick me, and then we will be friends. In one of our last phone conversations a few months ago, I asked her how she sees this playing out in the future and her response was: "I hope we can have coffee together once in a while" (not sure how that would even work given she decided to move to a completely different state!!). Then when she came back in April to get her clothes (after 3 months of separation) she thought she could stay her in the house for the week, while she quit her job, packed her clothes and left me again ... stay here as if things we usual!! Is it silly to say I actually feel sorry for her? For the best part of 16 years, she was a kind-hearted, loyal person ... unfortunately, she has made a huge mistake and decision that has suddenly ripped out the foundations of the relationship we once had. It's a real shame after so many good years that it's come to this.

Anyway, I haven't responded to her messages. I know she is missing the two dogs but unfortunately the pain she will feel for them is part of the collateral damage of her decision.

[Graceful]

Of course you're upset and this is confusing ... until you look at it for what it is. You met this girl when she was barely out of her teens, and the relationship sounds like it stunted her growth, instead of fostering it. She never really worked for anything herself, never had any independence, depended on you for everything, and while that was comforting, maybe it made her feel like she had nothing to call her own, ironic as that sounds. It's hard to say.

 

Why didn't you marry in all that time? Why did you wait so long to discuss children? Her doing or yours?

 

Seems an awfully long time to be together without the issue of marriage coming up.

 

She got complacent, and so did you. The spark went out of the relationship. She began to question if you were more a room mate than

a romantic partner. Maybe there was no sense of mystery and she flipped out that her life was all set up before her and she resented it.

 

Who knows? What ever label you put on it, she felt cheated out of something, and now she wants to go get it. She does not sound regretful (yet) if you ask me. And she does not see you as a romantic partner, so I don't think she will feel she made a mistake, all the while your lifestyle is going to be hard to replace, she might welcome starting over with someone else.

 

It sounds like she was detaching emotionally for a very long time, well over a year, if you ask me. That's why she sounds like a robot now, totally unemotional as to how crushed you are or how this has impacted you. She's removed herself and left you holding the bag.

 

"Have coffee with you" ??? This is a metaphor for saying that she hopes you can be friends down the line, and she has no hard feelings. Well, good for her, right?

 

It does not sound like she will be coming back (any time soon, if at all); she made her bed, now she has to lie in it. Sounds like she put herself in a way back machine to make up for lost time, perhaps.

 

You know what you have to do, how hard it will be, but you must maintain NC and go forward. No delusional thinking will help you. You have your own home, financial stability and you sound like a caring, lovely man. Could be a lot worse, you know. She's rudderless. You're not.

 

Stay the course. Long road ahead. Learn and grow. Try not to spend gobs of time figuring her out. She's actually rather transparent.

Take care.

 

 

I was with my ex for 16 years, but about 5 months ago she took me by surprise and said she needed "space". She took 3 months leave from her job under the pretence she was coming back and went back to the city where her family lives (and from where we had moved about 5 years ago). There were no arguments or signs that there was something wrong and she never communicated to me that she was unhappy. In fact, just 8 weeks before she left, we were in America having a seemingly good vacation. She told me she was leaving the day after her 36th birthday and of course I was taken completely off guard because I had not done anything wrong to her in 16 years - I had never cheated or abused her in anyway. The closest I got to "why" is she was bored and missed her family ... still not convinced they're legitimate reasons to walk out on someone after 16 years! After she left, she hardly ever talked to me on the phone and even told me that I was trying to manipulate her by sending flowers and a necklace in the first week she was away. She went completely off the rails and acting half her age - drinking heavily, nightclubbing etc. And, I got all the usual lines like "I love you but not in love with you" and "I settled down too young" (ironically, by settling down her and I had achieved a financial position so she could stop work for the rest of her life and concentrate on starting a family AND we had built our second new house about 3 years ago)! About a week after she left, I discovered she had a phone sex fling with some guy she met online during that first week away ... and, from there, things collapsed. She called off the relationship, quit her job here and never returned.

Devastated is an understatement for the impact on me ... she was both my partner and best friend, so her abandoning me in a city where I have no family and very few friends was like rubbing salt into the wound.

She came back to this city at the beginning of April to quit her job in person and to collect her clothes -- but, emotionally I couldn't see her. There was no point in my mind .. she wasn't coming back to reconcile or try to make things work, she was coming back to leave again. And to talk to her was pointless .. when I would ask "why" she would answer "I don't know" or "my mind is made up". So, I told her I wouldn't see or talk to her when she was here - I boxed her clothes and left them on the street curb for her to collect! Of course, I am accused of cutting communication with her by her family --- yet, in reality, she was the one who didn't want to talk to me from the moment she walked out. I always had the door open to talk and reconcile until the point where she "made her mind up" to fold on the relationship.

Anyway, for about 2.5 months after her coming back to get her clothes I maintained NC. Then last weekend, she makes contact with me on Facebook to ask how I am and how the two dogs are that we raised from pups (and who, needless to say, she also walked out on!). A couple of days later she contacts me again on Facebook to tell me that deep down she will always care about me!! Then again today I get a message from her on Facebook, asking how I am, giving me her new phone number and asking if I could send her some photos of the two dogs.

Why is she doing this? Why did she give me her new phone number - is this a veiled invitation to call her from someone who was never good at communicating what she wants? Has she not comprehended the magnitude of her actions? In some ways I feel sorry for her (despite all the pain she has caused me) -- she was not a nasty person for 16 years and then suddenly she goes off the rails -- I feel sorry for her because I think she has ruined her own life by making a mistake. Is she missing her former life and that's why she's asking for pics of the dogs? She has made a life-changing decision to leave an otherwise good 16 year relationship and to make that decision she should have been completely prepared to move on from her former life -- but if she will always care about me (as she says), is she the classic case of the ex who realizes her mistake and comes crawling back when the grass dies on the otherside? Confusing!!!

[mtd4249]

Graceful, thanks for your message -- a lot of what you say is on the mark. Since leaving, she has said things like she feels like she settled down too young and wants to live life to the fullest. My commitment to her meant that I was always there for her (and her for me) -- while I saw this as the foundations of a strong relationship, she obviously ended up interpreting it as being smothered. And, admittedly, there was a rut in the relationship - which is probably not the biggest hurdle in a long-term relationship. I tend to think that no matter how unhappy she thinks she was, it can be a lot worse in a relationship - maybe she will find absolute happiness with someone else but maybe with the test of time she will realize that what she had wasn't so bad. But, as you say, she had checked out of our relationship a long time before she told me. And that is the scary part - I couldn't see the signs, she never said a word, and even the photos from our vacation to America just 8 weeks before D-Day would convince anyone that this person was happy. But, she wasn't a good communicator .... and, in part, that's the reason we never had children. She never actually raised it as a topic in any serious way - certainly not to the point where I knew explicitly what was on her mind. In the end, I had to rely on hints ... for example, she would watch a lot of TV shows about pregnancy but when I asked her if she was getting anxious to have kids she would say: "no, I just find these shows interesting". If she was being honest and mature, she would have turned around and said: "yes, and I think it's time we have a discussion about family planning"! Her answers would make anyone think that having children wasn't a big issue to her - but, eventually, I saw through her dishonest responses and realized that she actually did want to have kids and that's why she was watching those shows. The other reason we delayed children is financial - for the first 10 years of our relationship, I didn't have a secure job .. was going from contract to contract. That's why 5 years ago we moved to the city I'm in now, so I could secure a good job and in time she could give up work and concentrate on raising a family (and not have the stresses of financial worries). I think I previously mentioned that we had achieved that financial position at the moment she decides to leave .... and subsequently threw it in my face that I had set up financial security for her and us (or would hate to see how she reacted if I cheated on her or abused her, if this is how she reacted to me giving consideration to financial security!!!). As to marriage, again (like kids) she never brought it up as a big relationship issue. In fact, when the topic of marriage came up (always in a passing conversation), I would say something like commitment and actions day-in, day-out for the long-term is the definition of marriage more so than a one-day ritual. Not that I wouldn't go through the ceremony, but my point was that I was giving her the "love and cherish" vow of marriage everyday and forever without the ceremony ..... and, she would always respond by agreeing and saying things like a wedding wouldn't change anything except the bank balance!

All I can say is that she has run from her life with me, but no matter how far or long she runs she takes herself with her -- she needs to learn how to communicate. She also needs to learn that a relationship can get a lot worse than what she had -- I and the relationship weren't perfect (who and what relationship is?), but there is a lot worse out there (as this forum proves) and if/when she realizes that she might appreciate what she once had. I was her first serious relationship and she got reasonably lucky -- no cheating, no abuse etc. She probably took for granted that commitment and how difficult it is to find for the long haul ... she might also have a false sense of security and think that she can easily go from one faithful guy to another. I, however, have had two long-term relationships end because the other person did the wrong thing (the first ended after 7 years when she cheated on me), so I know that people will turn on you without apparent reason. She wants to live life to the fullest - in the process she might find that life can be full of sh*t!! In any event, I always believe that you should treat others the way you want to be treated ..... I would never have done what she has done, the way she has done it unless the other person had done something wrong to me.

[mtd4249]

PS -- About the being friends down the line .... I think there are ways of treating someone during a breakup if you want to salvage a genuinely warm friendship in the future. I'm not sure abandoning them, ignoring them, cheating on them, saying damaging things to them etc is the pathway to maintaining a friendship. If she had been honest and communicated her thoughts and then honourably ended the relationship, it would have hurt and every other emotional impact this has had on me but at least it would have left the door open for keeping a friendship. She not only kicked me, but kicked me while I was down ... she has no hard feelings because the worst thing I did during this breakup was send her flowers, a necklace and a love poem!

[Renard99]

mtd4249, I can relate to your story very much.

 

My ex had led a sheltered early life and had known no one other than me in terms of relationships. We were both 20 when we met, we had a great relationship through university, moved in together at 25 and then, at 27 she changed. I never got the impression that anything was massively wrong and got no hints that it was the beginning of the end. Then one day I saw she looked troubled, so politely asked 'what's up?', expecting something like 'I've had a bad day at work'. What I got was 'I don't love you anymore, I'm moving out' and the old favourite 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you'. Hit me like a freight train. She then went on to go drinking and clubbing. Suddenly liking things that I'd struggled to introduce her to (like she had no interest in soccer and I had to drag her to games or go without her. She now has a season ticket for the local team!)

 

I admit the relationship wasn't perfect. Money had become extremely tight and I must admit I had become complacent, letting the situation simmer along whilst a solution was sought (new job) whilst all she wanted to do was spend money and go out and have fun with friends.

 

I'm at the 5 month mark too so know exactly how you feel.

 

I really do feel for you man, It's a hard thing to go through.

[mtd4249]

Renard99 -- I'm sorry to hear that you're going through much the same thing I am. The "I love you but not in love with you anymore" line seems almost scripted .... I see things in black and white - in a relationship, I either love the person for who they are and what they do or I don't! Sounds like you were blindsided and I know that's what makes the impact of a breakup even deeper. Whereas, your ex has probably been preparing herself mentally for quite some time. My ex has since told me that she was "unhappy" for most of last year but rather than communicate what was on her mind she decided to keep it to herself. We basically lived a lie for most of last year.

 

Money issues can cause stresses on a relationship (which is why I tried getting my relationship financially stable before starting a family) - but that's no real reason to fold on an otherwise good relationship. When someone acts irrationally we try to find a rational answer - but maybe there isn't one. Perhaps your ex thought she settled down too young and needed to live it up before she hit 30? Your relationship hit the 7 year mark when she pulled the pin ... maybe the cliche "7 Year Itch" got her?

 

I can't believe how common it seems to be for people to take their partners by surprise and walk out ... last year, one of my best friends came home one night to his partner of 8 years to be told the marriage was over. No signs, no reasons .... they owned a house together, he had a good job, reliable and faithful guy. He left his job here in Australia and is now he's back in his home country of Scotland, living with his parents, was unemployed for months, depressed and wondering what happened to his life!

 

Do you have contact with your ex? Has she offered you an explanation?

 

Sometimes I think to myself that 5 months is such a long time and it seems like things haven't improved much. I certainly feel like my life has just been on pause for this time and that it will be for some time to come. I think the more you are invested in the other person, the longer it takes to recover.

 

Try to keep in touch, if you want ... seems we're on the same path at the moment!