Just need to get through the summer...

[DontWorryBHappy]

I won't bother typing out my whole story, but my ex broke up with me about 2 months ago and since then it's been a roller coaster ride. I showed a lot of emotion in front of him at first, but once I realized all hope was lost I went NC. After about a month and a half of that he wanted to see if we could try again, and I couldn't think straight enough to make a rational decision, so I agreed. After only a week it was clear that this wasn't going to work - way too soon, and we hadn't even begun to address the reasons for the break up.. and those are things we can only work on by ourselves. I had a terrible time accepting the decision though and went to him a couple more times in tears, was painfully honest about my emotional state, and was not wanting to move on. Today we had one last conversation and he's told me that he is now putting serious effort into moving on. The kicker is that he says he's doing that so that he can get over the past and fix himself enough to have a better chance of us getting back together in the future, and just for the sake of bettering himself. The future is a gigantic what-if at this point though, and I'm aware that he may never end up back with me. I just need to stop torturing myself and forget about him completely. In conversation he mentioned that he went to a club last night, and it really hurt me, because I don't want to imagine him dancing with other women like he used to with me. I know that NC is the key and is literally the only option I have left.

 

After today's conversation, I have shown every last emotion in me only to come up with more uncertainty and asked to leave by the one person I truly wanted. I guess right now I'm once again in the same situation as before, feeling that any further communication between us is a total lost cause. Now that I've seen he is making efforts to move on, I wouldn't dare speak to him. I know I need to do the same and basically forget he exists. Part of me wishes I could have been stronger and resisted the urge to see him and express my emotions this last time, rather than always feeling like I have to see the door slammed in my face before I'll finally go away. But I guess maybe it's just good that I'm finally ready to take him out of my field of vision, no matter what it took to get to this point. My thinking is that I just need to get through the last two months of my summer vacation (which isn't really a vacation because I still have classes). I feel like if I make a concentrated effort I should be in a much better place by that time. Please wish me luck guys!

[DontWorryBHappy]

Today is NC day 1, and it coincides with my first day of my second round of summer courses (thank god). Now I'll have a ton of stuff to keep me busy, and this is gonna be a breeze. Although, I think it would be easier now anyway, being that right now I feel... different. Up until now I was devastated by my ex's decision for us to stop talking again and move on so we can "fix our issues" enough to try this again later. At the time I still wanted to try to work it out. But now I look back and realize I put up with SO MUCH from him and still stayed around. He came back this last time basically telling me, "I don't know if I will be able to love you, but I really think I will" and saying that he is more a fan of friendships than romantic relationships because they "last longer". At the same time, it was my fault for putting up with things that were total red flags like those.

 

I got so anxious about everything during the entire week we were trying to work it out again, all because I was looking for some kind of confirmation that he was really into this. Funny this is, that never really existed, because he told me later that even while he was asking for me back, he was thinking that it may not work out and may be a bad idea. I was hoping that he was a lot more sure of himself than that, and was prepared to weather a few storms with me if he wanted to really get back together. Deep down, I know now that he is not prepared to deal with a real, serious relationship. He doesn't think things through and is fairly selfish in his actions, mainly doing what he feels is best for HIM at any given moment.

 

The thing is, I don't even know how I feel anymore. It's as if the whole thing has become so messed up at this point that I don't know what it is anymore. Yesterday when I talked to him the last time, he had been making efforts to move on, and it showed in the way he acted toward me. A far cry from the attentive guy who first asked for me back. So now I'm tired of the hot and cold, the flip flopping of decisions to get back together or stay apart, his issues that prevent him from having a relationship, the fact that I can't NOT be anxious around him anymore, AND the fact that he can't deal with me being anxious at all. I deserve better than this - I deserve a relationship that isn't so messed up. And someone who not only wants to be with me, but CAN be with me and actually WANTS to work out the issues when they arise.

[DontWorryBHappy]

School is definitely helping, but I know I've got a ways to go. I keep thinking about how anxious I was during the week we tried to get back together, thinking that maybe I ruined it all. Is it absolutely silly for me to think that way? I mean, he broke up with me, and wanted to get back with me even though he seemed a bit wishy-washy about whether he thought it could actually work. I wanted it to work though, so I went ahead with it. But I couldn't bring myself to truly think of it like a new relationship. It was too soon, and I felt like things had to be on my terms, and that he needed to earn my trust again. So if he didn't call enough, or do the right thing at the right moment, or invite me to spend time with him often enough, I freaked out and called him on it quickly.. maybe too quickly. But the anxiety that was caused by the original situation had a hold on me. I feel like if I had known then just how important it was to treat it like a totally new relationship then I would not have acted the way I did.

 

But then again, he admitted to me that he still didn't know if he could love, and that he doubted whether it would work between us. So I don't know... I don't know if I should feel as though I've done anything wrong. Because on the other hand, was I SUPPOSED to have my guard up that high, given the situation? Was I supposed to call him on it whenever I thought I didn't like the way things were going? And just maybe, he was supposed to be a little bit better at dealing with issues that arise in relationships. He was always terrible at that. If we were having an issue, he would always suggest going to sleep and talking about it later rather than dealing with it. Or he would simply tell me to do all the talking, never seeming interested in providing an opinion or solution of his own. He would only say something about an issue in conversation if he was asked a question directly. Other than that, we would sit back and say "talk" as though he just wanted me to say whatever, then have it be over with. I guess maybe the only solution is to simply say it wasn't working, regardless of how much the cause can be attributed to either of us. I guess at the time, with the way I thought about the situation, there was nothing that could have stopped me from acting in the way I did. And the same goes for him... that's just the way it was. And my emotions took over for me until the end. I suppose it is slightly redeeming that my last words to him were "It's alright. I'm ready to move on now."

 

My emotions are bouncing in different directions still. I know keeping busy is the best cure I know of. At least I'm doing far better than in the past. I think things just got so messed up and I released so much emotion that there really isn't anything left now. I have no more tears left in me for him, I cried them all out on the last day I spoke to him. By the way, I'm now pretty much using this thread as an NC journal, just a heads up.

Edited June 28, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[DontWorryBHappy]

I know I've rambled so much on this thread... I think about things in extreme detail, and it comes out when I write. I'm happy to report that I've officially reached a comfortable "NC mode". To me, that means that NC isn't something I'm struggling with at all. I've gotten to the point (in a pretty short time) where there is NO urge to contact my ex. Not even the slightest, tiniest urge. NC is now a lifestyle. It's at the point where if I were to see my ex, I would do everything in my power to make sure he doesn't see me. And if he did see me, I would look in the other direction and stay as far away as possible. This doesn't mean I've moved on.. I know it doesn't mean that yet. What it DOES mean is that I am very good at keeping NC once I get into the groove of it, so I'm THRILLED to be in that place again! School is going ok, haven't met tons of people yet but I'm getting on with life.

[DontWorryBHappy]

I guess I'm a bit confused about my feelings. Today is day 4 of NC and thoughts of my ex have faded A LOT. The first couple days I was torturing myself with anxiety over him. But now I'm involved in school and I just had a great job interview today, so I didn't really think about him until the evening. I also have random thoughts sometimes just about wondering if I'll run into him at school. Part of me wonders what he thinks about me right now. Before when we were trying to get back together I was an anxious mess. I just had so many expectations and wanted it to work so much that I wasn't doing what was best for me. If my head had been on straight at the time that he asked for me back, I would've had the sense to tell him that he needs to get his act together first. But instead I grabbed the chance even though it was a bad idea and ran with it (only to run into a wall a week later).

 

Sometimes I want to kick myself for agreeing to try it again and then being so anxious, but I know that I was seeing the situation in a totally different light than I am now. In any case, I know it's very possible that my ex will never be anything to me again. But in all honesty, my ex is a really difficult person to date... so I kind of wonder what it would be like to go out with someone who isn't so hard to handle. Everybody has issues, but the ones that my ex had were pretty exhausting at times. I mean... he lacked empathy for people's emotions.... he couldn't understand that he often did things or said things that would make people feel awkward... he's highly immature and had tremendous difficultly engaging in serious conversations.... he doesn't know if he can stay in love..... Yep, gonna keep moving forward..

Edited July 1, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[DontWorryBHappy]

Today is day 7 of NC. Right now I just feel thankful to still be in NC at all. I guess I wasn't as secure in my "NC mode" as i thought, because I came VERY close to breaking it tonight. I typed out a text to my ex, then erased it, re-typed it again, erased it.... then finally threw the phone to the side and realized I better do nothing. Oh yeah, and I even walked around his side of the apartment complex to see if maybe his light was on (I couldn't tell if it was). Ugh. I just learned that Titanic is a VERY triggering movie. The romance scenes made me really miss my ex, even though my ex was never super romantic like Jack in the movie. I also feel a little sick, and when I had my ex it was natural to go to him when I felt that way.... I miss him. Everyone tells me I shouldn't. I still want to break NC. I'm vulnerable as hell right now. If I can just get through this weekend without breaking NC I will be ok. I really, really hope I can make it. I know I have to, because I can't go back to NC day 1 again. I just can't do that. I have to see day 8, 9, 10, 11, 30, 40, etc... I know it gets easier. It has to!

[DontWorryBHappy]

I think the universe is playing tricks on me. I just got an email from a previous ex. A guy I dated for 3 months OVER A YEAR AGO. The email said: "I honestly miss you..". This guy had been sending me occasional friend requests on facebook and messages saying "hey" before I blocked him. But apparently he still had my email address. I remember being utterly devastated by that break up a while back, but now I have absolutely zero interest in him. But oddly, I feel like chatting with him just to take my mind of my ex. Probably a bad idea, but I'm the queen of bad ideas lately :/.

[DontWorryBHappy]

So I pretty much shot the other ex down (the one that I dated a year ago). I was just honest and said we didn't end on a good note, I had moved forward, and I didn't have much to say. No response as of now, and obviously I don't really care much since I'm trying to get over my current ex... I feel a weird curiosity as to whether he will respond, but it won't affect me either way. One thing the "other ex" did say that struck me a little bit was, "Time means nothing when you miss someone, unless it's time spent apart." With that guy things didn't end too well. The last memory I have is of him ignoring me, avoiding me, and me being pretty pathetic. Yet he ends up missing me and trying to get in touch? It's crazy how the simple passage of time can somehow adjust a person's view of another. However a person chooses to view past events determines how they feel..... crazy stuff.

 

Right now I'm getting bored of the current ex situation. Bored of going over it in my mind. Yes, I acted in a way I may wish to change, but I can't change it, blah blah blah yadda yadda whatever. It's already in the past and nothing can adjust the way things happened. I behaved in whatever way I did at the time, for whatever reasons I had at the time, and I'm bored of analyzing it. I sort of hope he looks back and feels a bit like scum for all he put me through, not that I want him to feel like scum..... I just want him to feel a little uncomfortable. I'm super thrilled with myself for not breaking NC yesterday like I ALMOST DID. I would've felt like such crap today if I had done that. A great reminder to keep NC!!! Because feelings are ever-changing.. and if today I feel crappy, tomorrow I could feel like gold.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Ex, do I miss you or do I miss what you represented? Someone to love, who would listen to me, who could be there for me? But wait, you couldn't love me anymore, couldn't understand my emotions, and therefore couldn't truly be there for me. I could only talk myself into believing that you could.... Yet I do still miss you. I miss what I wanted us to be. But I guess if you really can't be anything positive and real in my life, I have to be glad that you're gone.

[DontWorryBHappy]

I need help. I registered for 2 dating sites tonight in a desperate attempt to see if I can like anyone else, but I mean, it's just not happening for me yet and that makes me feel really annoyed. I want to move on... Today I had weird emotions. Almost a seething feeling toward my ex... an anger for what he put me through. This wasnt just a break up. It was a break up, followed by an attempt to get back together, followed by a decision to STOP trying to get back together "for now"... and a re-initiation of NC. It's worse the second time, it really is. If we hadnt tried a second time I would be in such a better place right now. And worse still is that I get to look back and wonder if i was the reason he decided to stop getting back together with me. I definitely didnt make it easy, I know that. I analyzed his every move... I complained, I worried, everything. But I assured him that I only was acting that way because I was just so nervous and scared. But in the end the main reason still seemed to be that he felt he just couldnt love me until he learned to do it without me around... but part of me wonders if that was just an excuse and maybe the way I acted just turned him off! But then again, that sounds stupid.... Ugh.

 

I find myself wondering what he's thinking... what he's doing... I miss our connection and I badly want to find out if I can connect with somebody else. I hate that I miss him.... I feel crazy because I'm approaching 2 1/2 months post break up. I know this is just harder because we tried to get back together..... what a nightmare. At least I've got school again tomorrow. This is day 9 NC.

[lofi_tokyo]

Things will get better!

 

I have an ex that I love dearly. He had some personal issues that caused us both a lot of grief. Right now, he's working on himself in the hope that someday him and I can fix things, or at the very least, that he will be able to date someone and not cause them so much sadness.

 

How do you take that sort of reality? Someone loves you dearly but can't be with you because THEY know that they're hurting you and are not good to you. Do you wait on a future which may never happen? Do you move on?

 

The key, for now, is to think about right now (whenever you wonder about the ex): you are broken up. You are not together. It is over. The past and the future are irrelevant right now because you're where you are RIGHT NOW!

 

If he is going to come back, then your obsessing now won't speed it up. It only makes you miserable. So stop. What makes you happy RIGHT NOW? What is your situation, right now? No more worrying about tomorrow or yesterday.

[DontWorryBHappy]

I know Tokyo, I know, you are so right!!!

 

Please God, release me from this spell. Give me the ability to socialize with other people without letting thoughts of my ex prevent me from being myself and getting to know people!!!!!

 

Today I actually cried for like 30 seconds about this. Weird... it really was. I can't wait to talk to my therapist tomorrow. I desperately need to. I can't get rid of the self blame. Keep asking myself why I had to act so anxious after he asked to try again... keep thinking I ruined it!!!! Keep wondering if he would be my boyfriend now if I hadn't acted so anxious and crazy when we were trying again. Would it have made a difference??? I don't know, and that uncertainty is killing me!!! HELP

[DontWorryBHappy]

Woo hoo!!!!!!!!! Today is officially day 11. I don't know, I guess knowing that it's day 11 seems cool to me because the numbers really are going up. Hopefully soon I will stop counting. Tonight has been a VERY rough night, so I'm chilling on here for a bit and celebrating my continued NC since I was really wanting to break it tonight. After randomly crying over my ex earlier it was all down hill from there. I ruminated over negative thoughts and even walked by my ex's place a few minutes ago. I still live steps away from him so that majorly sucks.... His screen on the window was taken off, letting me know that he is still there and hasn't moved out yet (he likes to keep the window open). Thankfully I will be moving this month (as well as him) and I'll be sure to move somewhere far away from wherever he is.

 

The thoughts were crushing tonight. Just feeling like he is the only soul on this earth I want to be with..... Feeling like he's the only one who can take this pain away. Well.. the pain was caused by him. I've been ignoring family members because of this sadness... My nana texted me earlier and I didn't respond. My dad tried to get in touch with me on Fourth of July and I STILL haven't called back. I think I'm going to text them and tell them I've just been having a rough week, and I will call them soon.

 

Today I'm going to force myself to go out and have fun with this guy I met on OKCupid. I don't think I'm ready to date but I just want to meet people. On my account I have that I'm looking for friends, short term dating, long terms dating, etc. so if he just ends up being a friend then hey, one more person to take my mind of my ex. This self blame thing is murdering me though. I don't think I'll be ok until I get rid of it. Luckily I have therapy later. I missed last week's session but sure as hell wont miss this one.

[veggirl]

Have fun on your date! 11 days of NC is great! But also remember it's still quite fresh so please don't beat yourself up if you have crying jags.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Today is... NC Day 0. Yeah, I'll explain in a minute. Yesterday I went to my therapy session and could barely contain myself as I relayed the story of the past couple weeks to my therapist. I felt the urge to just get everything out since my family definitely doesn't want to hear about this anymore and there's really no one else I can talk about it with. I told her about my self blame dilemma and she said next time we should start off with a discussion of perfectionism. Not a bad topic, since I really do struggle with it.

 

After leaving the session I met up with a guy from OKCupid at the mall. I guess the mall was a terrible place to meet because there really wasn't much to do there. When I saw him he didn't quite look the way I expected. He looked a bit different from his photos. We also didn't really click... too different, we just don't mesh. Pretty much walked around awkwardly for a while until I said I needed to head out, then i ran to the bus stop.

 

That experience actually made me miss my ex more... made me miss our connection. I went back to campus to try to do some homework but the book I needed was checked out, so I went home for a bit. Suddenly something just came over me, and I decided I would see my ex one more time for 2 reasons. The first was because I wanted him to tell me directly that the way things ended with us the second time was not my fault, and that we needed to be apart despite anything that I said or did. Secondly, I wanted him to give me a better memory of us. Because the last memory I had was of me crying, him trying to move on and acting more distant, saying confusing things.... I didn't know if he had moved on from me by now, so I decided to put a couple old slow songs on my ipod and take it to his place with a pair of external speakers so that we could dance to the music.. and that was going to be the "better memory".

 

I wanted to keep it light, no crying, no being upset, so I found a clever way to text him when I noticed his bike was parked outside his door. I simply text, "Can I steal your bike?" which I knew he'd get a chuckle out of, or at least an unexpected reaction, and literally moments later the door flies open and he's just standing there. I walk up to him, slowly, and we look into each other's eyes without saying a word for what seemed like a minute or so. Finally I broke the silence with "Hi" and he invited me in. I just chilled on his couch for a little bit, kept things light, made him laugh a little. I kept looking at him... still so attracted and it was obvious he felt the same. Finally he pulled me over to him and we cuddled, and I was in heaven. I can't describe the feeling of being in his arms, it was perfect. I sat up after a bit though, and finally revealed my reasons for coming over. I told him exactly what I wrote here. I said, "first, I just wanted to hear from you that the way things ended the second time... that it wasn't my fault." He told me it definitely wasn't. "You know the reason why..." he said. He meant, because he needs to learn how to love. He talked a bit more about that, really ensuring me that it was not because of anything I said or did. Then I told him the second reason was because I wanted a better memory...... I told him I wanted us to dance.

 

Right away he was receptive. He got up, led me into his room, and I brought out the music. I had two songs on the ipod: "I'll Be Seeing You" by Billie Holiday and "At Last" by Etta Jones. Old school love songs, which I knew he likes (and me too). Etta Jones came on first, and we danced...... It was so amazing, magical actually. We just enjoyed every second, feeling each other, my head pressed into his shoulder, listening to him making little sighs every so often, rubbing our faces and noses together in a cute way, not wanting to let each other go. The second song came on and we danced until the end of it. It was the most beautiful dance I've ever experienced. I said that I would leave after that, but he convinced me to cuddle with him. We kissed and cuddled, and I needed to leave for real to finish an assignment before midnight, but he wanted me to come back afterward. We knew it may not be the best idea, but we both wanted to extend our time together... Right before I left he got out an art notebook and told me he wanted me to see something. He kept flipping through it until he found what it was. It was a drawing of me... he said he started it around a week ago (while we had been in NC). I was pretty flattered... the same way I felt when he told me he had told a girl about our story, that he wanted to be with me but needed to learn to love first. Apparently the girl was interested in him but he simply told her about me. The last time I had seen him he told me he was making efforts to move forward, and I admit it was nice to know that I've been on his mind too.

 

I did come back again that night, and we played some video games, tic tac toe, hangman, then went to bed. "Went to bed" meant that we slept together... and it was far more than just sleeping together. It was passionate, amazing, clearly so much feeling on both sides... We cuddled, went to sleep. The next morning I grabbed him and we slept together again, and again, it was incredible. I was sprawled out in his bed as he got ready for the day, the sounds of Etta Jones in my ears (for real, I turned the music back on). In a bit he was ready and it was that time. Right before he left for school he said, "I'll see you" and I said, "Take care of yourself." He went back inside the apartment for a moment, to to get something I guess, but I didn't wait. I walked away at that point, and I think I heard him come outside a couple minutes later, but I was one third of the way home.

 

So, now I'm here again. Tomorrow will be day 1 again, in about 10 minutes actually since it's close to midnight. I don't regret going back there for one second. I am so glad I can remember it this way and not the other way. I left with a good memory, we both did. And I do hope there is a future for us, as he says he wants, after he goes to counseling and figures some things out. I really do hope we have a future, because as of now no other man stands a fighting chance with me. Certainly not after yesterday. It would be like trying to recreate magic. I know I sound like a nut case... From here though, it's time to figure out what I'm doing with my life and make some new friends. I'm thinking I will need them. Til next time, all .

Edited July 9, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[mickleb]

I really do hope we have a future, because as of now no other man stands a fighting chance with me.

 

Really? You wouldn't consider someone who isn't a sociopath? (Your words.)

 

x

[DontWorryBHappy]

Quite obviously with my previous post I no longer am concerned that he is a sociopath. One gets to thinking about *a lot* of things during NC.

[Yona88]

I think the universe is playing tricks on me. I just got an email from a previous ex. A guy I dated for 3 months OVER A YEAR AGO. The email said: "I honestly miss you..". This guy had been sending me occasional friend requests on facebook and messages saying "hey" before I blocked him. But apparently he still had my email address. I remember being utterly devastated by that break up a while back, but now I have absolutely zero interest in him. But oddly, I feel like chatting with him just to take my mind of my ex. Probably a bad idea, but I'm the queen of bad ideas lately :/.

 

So weird! I just had the same thing happen to me. And same. I have no interest in this previous ex. He even apologized for how we broke up and I couldn't get myself to care about what he was saying.

 

Starting to wonder if it takes all guys years to realize what they've lost.

[mickleb]

Quite obviously with my previous post I no longer am concerned that he is a sociopath. One gets to thinking about *a lot* of things during NC.

 

Okay. So, four days ago he was a sociopath. Today, after another booty call, he's the best thing since sliced bread.

 

Is it possible - AT ALL - that you don't know your own mind, at the moment, and should be spending a lot more time with a therapist (and, maybe,one who's a little more on the money than just calling 'perfectionsim'), rather than still trying to eek out a future with this opportunist?

 

One does get to thinking a lot during NC. If one pursues NC, one can get to thinking along these lines: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t279837/ and can, even, begin to take back control of their life. It's quite amazing, really.

 

x

[DontWorryBHappy]

LOL, bitter much? What happened in your life to make you so bitter, mickleb? Actually, don't answer that. Just go be bitter on another thread. I will ignore the "booty call" comment. Because trust me, I know how it feels to be a booty call and how it feels to NOT be a booty call. It's a very different feeling and pretty distinguishable. Also, if I was a guy and my ex was a girl, and I ended up having sex with her, is it still a booty call? My guess is you would say no. You only call it a booty call because I'm a female. Anyway, just because I make a thread freaking out about something, doesn't make my ex a sociopath. And having sex with an ex is not always a booty call. My therapy sessions focus on what I talk about on a case by case basis, and she's a good therapist, so refrain from those comments, please.

[mickleb]

LOL, bitter much? What happened in your life to make you so bitter, mickleb? Actually, don't answer that. Just go be bitter on another thread. I will ignore the "booty call" comment. Because trust me, I know how it feels to be a booty call and how it feels to NOT be a booty call. It's a very different feeling and pretty distinguishable. Also, if I was a guy and my ex was a girl, and I ended up having sex with her, is it still a booty call? My guess is you would say no. You only call it a booty call because I'm a female. Anyway, just because I make a thread freaking out about something, doesn't make my ex a sociopath. And having sex with an ex is not always a booty call. My therapy sessions focus on what I talk about on a case by case basis, and she's a good therapist, so refrain from those comments, please.

 

Just trying to help. It's a silly thing of mine, that once I invest my time in attempting to do that, I usually hope to see some progress. Of course, sometimes that progress can be pretty slow but I'm still happily choosing to put in my time so I really don't feel bitter, at all.

 

Well, you didn't do a great job of ignoring that comment! but you're right; if you were a guy hankering after a scrap of intimacy from your female ex, which manifested as her taking advantage of you, sexually, I would probably use a different term. I'd probably be seeing her as an ego-driven bitch and you as heartbreakingly sad. What would the slang term for the act be? He's not a friend, so it's not an FWB situation, I've seen the term 'rebooty' before.. Is there one? I don't know, I'd probably just call it 'ugly'. What do you call it, DWBH?

 

We're in agreement again: Just because you make a thread about some issue or another, doesn't necessarily mean there's any basis for it. Your ex may well be just a 'normal' lad who can't deal with any form of perceived neediness and can't resist a bit of pootie when it's laid on a plate in front of him. (Although, that would still make him highly immature, of course.) Your romantic perception of the last experience you had with your ex may not, for example, be built on anything solid. Indeed, he could be a sociopath and your last encounter could be another development in one of the greatest love stories ever told. I certainly wouldn't bother to stake my life on any one of those scenarios. However, a frequent flip-flopping of opinion about how useful this relationship actually was to you, when it was a relationship (remember, it's OVER now, isn't it?), is - I would say - evidence that you are pretty mixed up at the moment. Not the best of times to be sleeping with the guy who has stated, several times, in no uncertain terms, that he feels no responsibility for your feelings at present (by dumping you/repeating that he cannot be in a relationship with you).

 

I did feel a tad uncomfortable about commenting on your relationship with your therapist, admittedly. Because she may well be a great therapist but you have only relayed that she thinks your perfectionism is the problem, here. There is way more at issue so, hopefully, she's helping you to see that, you've just chosen not to mention it here. Perhaps you should consider giving her the bigger picture, rather than a 'case by case' approach, as we at LS have (especially those who have been following your adventures since before you were even DWBH ), so that she can make a more informed assessment though? Consider it.

 

I have no wish to get into a slagging match with you, DWBH. I don't wish to offend you. But I am particularly concerned about you, at the moment. I anticipate that you will tell me not to bother worrying about you and you'd have a point. But, I don't know, I can't help it. The stuff you've been coming out with recently produces this effect in me. You seem to be trying to firmly establish yourself in a state of denial. Simply put, you're worth way more than this loser (or any of the others you've slept with in the last couple of years, from what your posts tell me) can EVER give you and I wish you could see that.

 

Anyway, take care.

 

x

[DontWorryBHappy]

Mickleb, I have an odd feeling about you. It's as though I do like you but am annoyed by you at the same time. Because I feel you are a good person and you write well and provide advice, but at the same time, I don't always agree with it and your tone is often harsh . I know how crazy all of this sounds. Believe me. But I still have to disagree that any of this was a "booty call" or anything related to that. I genuinely believe that my ex slept with me (and I slept with him) because we both like each other still. Plainly as that. At the same time it's clear that we can't be in a relationship because quite frankly, my ex is too messed up right now. He likes me but doesn't know how to love. And who knows, we may never have anything again. But I honestly don't regret sleeping with this particular ex. It's just something that we did, along with everything that we talked about, and everything else that happened. One of the exes I posted about before this one, where I went to visit him and slept with him and all that.... (it was a thread you had commented on back then too)... I DO regret sleeping with THAT ex after it was over... because I could tell while we were actually doing it that this was just a physical thing for him. Plus that ex ignored all contact from me afterward and generally just behaved like an *******. It wasn't like that with this ex, I do not/did not feel used, and I don't actually think that I should feel bad about it just because somebody is telling me I should. That's all I'm saying.

 

p.s. we talked once more after the really romantic day, and this time things ended on a more neutral tone. He wants us to move forward and wants to figure himself out so that he can be with me again one day... Yeah, you don't have to say it. I know I need to move along because there's nothing to see here anymore and all that. I was glad to leave off on a slightly more neutral note this time (and by neutral I just mean, a mutual acceptance of the situation... not a bad note, but also not an incredible note with dancing and the like). Leaving it like that made it more easy to transition to reality.

Edited July 10, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[mickleb]

I feel you are a good person and you write well and provide advice

 

Thank you. That's very kind of you.

 

but at the same time...your tone is often harsh .

 

Well, I can't deny that. I guess, in my experience, sugar-coating words means they're easier to ignore, so I often speak plain English. You will notice that my tone changes dramatically when I see someone moving in a direction that is more likely to be productive for them, however.

 

I still have to disagree that any of this was a "booty call" or anything related to that. I genuinely believe that my ex slept with me (and I slept with him) because we both like each other still. Plainly as that.

 

I suppose, from my point of view, it doesn't really matter what name you give it. I just don't get why you wouldn't choose to sleep with someone who really cares about your feelings, and has proven that they do. This guy has clearly prioritised his feelings, so he's no longer worthy of your affection.

 

At the same time it's clear that we can't be in a relationship because quite frankly, my ex is too messed up right now. He likes me but doesn't know how to love. And who knows, we may never have anything again.

 

I think it would be less painful, in the long run, DWBH, if you just focus on a future without him. He has not prioritised your feelings, so you need to.

 

But I honestly don't regret sleeping with this particular ex. It's just something that we did, along with everything that we talked about, and everything else that happened. One of the exes I posted about before this one, where I went to visit him and slept with him and all that.... (it was a thread you had commented on back then too)... I DO regret sleeping with THAT ex after it was over... because I could tell while we were actually doing it that this was just a physical thing for him. Plus that ex ignored all contact from me afterward and generally just behaved like an *******. It wasn't like that with this ex, I do not/did not feel used, and I don't actually think that I should feel bad about it just because somebody is telling me I should. That's all I'm saying.

 

There's little point in regrets but a lot of point in moving forward. The longer you spend keeping this guy in your thoughts, the more you keep yourself vulnerable to fantasizing about the past. Things have changed. It is over. Do yourself a favour and take care of yourself, now.

 

You have posted, on several occasions (quite obsessively, at times) about various guys who have all not given you anywhere near the level of respect you deserve. You have also posted about not having many friends or much of a life outside of guys - apart from your studies - going on.

 

You're a student. This is supposed to be one of the best times in your life for socialising and having fun. Instead, you're spending most of it caring about what one or another foolish bloke feels. What's going to happen when you've left uni? The sooner you start putting down solid foundations for your happiness, the better. That means getting into good routines with your spare time: putting energy into friends, hobbies, getting healthy. Seriously - read the NC guide again; it's all there. (I think it's the first link on my signature.)

 

I know I need to move along because there's nothing to see here anymore and all that.

 

You know all of this but you need to, now, change your behaviour in order to make it happen.

 

I was glad to leave off on a slightly more neutral note this time (and by neutral I just mean, a mutual acceptance of the situation... not a bad note, but also not an incredible note with dancing and the like). Leaving it like that made it more easy to transition to reality.

 

I sincerely hope you do make that transition because there's really no other way to go, if you want to progress from coping to thriving.

 

Now, let me hear you getting on with it!

 

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