Whipple Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 I've been dating a guy for almost 8 months now. Things have been going really well, but there has been one thing that has been bothering me more and more as the relationship progresses. He never displays or talks of any of his emotions. I'm not expecting him to have girl-to-girl Oprah style conversation of how he's feeling. But I've never seen him angry, sad, disappointed, scared, frustrated, etc. He's always ALWAYS his happy-go-lucky yet cynical self. There were only a couple of times when he expressed concern about how much he was contributing to this relationship. Otherwise he's his same old self all the time. My main concern about all this is that I don't know where I stand with him. Yes, I have some really big insecurities and I feel like with his constant emotion that he must be hiding something from me. I've been told by a therapist that I just need to trust him and that he will tell me if something is wrong because he's very dependable, loyal, and sticks to his word all the time. He has openly acknowledged that he keeps his feelings to himself but has assured me that if he has a problem with me or the relationship he will tell me, but I just have problems trusting this. Opinions? Should I press him to open up more or just leave him be?
sm1tten Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Some people are just like that. I dated a man for two years who was very emotionally closed off. It drove me insane for a while, then I accepted it, then I eventually came to the conclusion that I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who was so emotionally unavailable to me and broke it off. In our relationship, I trusted him 100%, but I never felt the emotional connectedness that I feel is the most fulfilling part of a relationship, and after a while I realised that I really, really wanted that. You should talk to him about how you feel, but be prepared for the fact that he may never open up the way you want/need him to. You need to decide whether that is something you can live with or not.
Author Whipple Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 He's told me that he's like this because of events that happened during his childhood and adolescent years. From things he's told me, it sounds like he's been this way for years. For instance, he told me that back in college some of his psych major friends would try to make him open up. Basically he's secretive around everyone. As I stated in my OP, he displays kind acts to me. He makes me gifts, takes time off from work (which is huge for him) to help me with things or to spend extra time with me, jokes with me, physically affectionate, comforts me when I'm feeling sad, and always stays true to his words and promises. I've never had a SO or even a friend who always does what they say they're going to do. But is that enough? Should I ask for more?
Pianiste Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 I've once dated a guy that was very emotionally closed off. He was always happy and if you asked him when he had felt sad for the last time he said he couldn't really remember. He wasn't really a guy to show much emotion in general but he'd make sure to take some time off for me and always remembered special occasions, be it in a subtle way. Still I doubted his feelings because he just wasn't as convincing face-to-face. I broke up with him after half a year, thinking he wouldn't be that crushed anyways. Half a year after we broke up we had a talk about it. He didn't really get why I broke up with him and told me he felt it coming but just didn't understand how it happend. I told him I thought he didn't really care for me. He was basically amazed that I felt that way telling me he was crushed for a couple of weeks, which for him was a huge deal! I guess I compared him to other guys, with a more open nature, and how much they had shown their affection towards me. Which was pretty unfair to him, but alas it happend. OP, your guy sounds very supportive and dependable. Those are some very admirable qualities but only you can decide whether it is enough for you or not. If you want him to open up more you can always try and talk to him about it. It's probably in his nature to keep things to himself but you might just find a way to open him up a little bit more if you explain your point of view (or how his closed off-ness makes you feel) to him.
Eddie Edirol Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 But is that enough? Should I ask for more? No you shouldnt. This is him, this the way he is, this is the way he wants to be. You cant go into relationships trying to change the way people are. You accept him how he is, and if thats an incompatibility for you, you get out. You can tell him about it, and tell him that you want to see more emotion from him, but he might not understand what you mean. He told you where you stand, you already know. So if its that big a deal to you, then you need to let this one go, and find someone who naturally is more emotional to you for your own satisfaction.
Author Whipple Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 He was always happy and if you asked him when he had felt sad for the last time he said he couldn't really remember...... I broke up with him after half a year, thinking he wouldn't be that crushed anyways.Yes yes yes! That's exactly like my guy; he doesn't remember the last time he was sad. I've also had the negative thought creep into my mind that maybe I should just break up with him because he won't give a sh*t about it anyway. This is so challenging I have some thinking to do.
Author Whipple Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 He told you where you stand, you already know.But how often should one tell the other where they stand? My issue is that this was months ago; how do I know that it's still the same? Do I look for changes in his actions?
Knittress Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Perhaps, like me, you prefer Feelers over Thinkers? It took me a loooooong time to figure this out. One woman's Mr. Nancy Boy is another woman's Mr. Emotionally Available (and vice versa). You've just got to figure out where on the spectrum you fall.
thatone Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 (edited) your guy sounds like me in my younger years a bit. how old are the two of you? i was like that in my early 20s. if we are of the same type of personality, from my own experience.. a) what he tells you is in fact probably always true b) the gifts and other such things are his way of demonstrating his feelings, he doesn't know that such things are insufficient c) the feelings are there, as pianiste explained with her ex, they just don't come out in obvious ways d) considering part C, you can work with him on learning to express himself better. if not it will come with age, although i don't know your ages so not sure how long that will be (for me, late 20s/early 30s). if i'm stereotyping him correctly there's likely no need to worry about his feelings changing. he will always be the same. if his mind changes he will feel obligated to show you, in some way. the traits with this type of personality that stand out are honesty, commitment, trustworthiness, and the like. he would no more break a promise, even one made weeks or months ago, than try to swim to the moon. he considers the very existence of a long term relationship a sort of promise that he must adhere to. so assuming these hypotheticals are correct, you have two choices... 1) be content with the situation 2) press him to get him to open up now, if you go with the second option, consider the fact that he will only tell you the truth or what he thinks to be truth, so you won't likely satisfy your suspicions that there's something more that you haven't found out about him. you'll find out what you already know. is that worth the effort/risk? or perhaps should you just tell him that you're not happy with his emotional distance and you want him to open up more, and then just step back and wait to see what happens? that's worth thinking about, and probably the better course of action. think about it, he's not the type to refuse the things you make clear that you want, correct? in that case, just ask him. he will probably try his best. the more reassuring and honest you are with those requests, the more likely he will be to try to give you what you want. if you are confrontational about it, not so much, he'll see that as a sign of mistrust that's not deserved, since he is worthy of your trust and has demonstrated exactly that. so tread lightly. Edited June 26, 2011 by thatone
Author Whipple Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 your guy sounds like me in my younger years a bit. how old are the two of you? i was like that in my early 20s. if we are of the same type of personality, from my own experience.. a) what he tells you is in fact probably always true b) the gifts and other such things are his way of demonstrating his feelings, he doesn't know that such things are insufficient c) the feelings are there, as pianiste explained with her ex, they just don't come out in obvious ways d) considering part C, you can work with him on learning to express himself better. if not it will come with age, although i don't know your ages so not sure how long that will be (for me, late 20s/early 30s). if i'm stereotyping him correctly there's likely no need to worry about his feelings changing. he will always be the same. if his mind changes he will feel obligated to show you, in some way. the traits with this type of personality that stand out are honesty, commitment, trustworthiness, and the like. he would no more break a promise, even one made weeks or months ago, than try to swim to the moon. he considers the very existence of a long term relationship a sort of promise that he must adhere to. so assuming these hypotheticals are correct, you have two choices... 1) be content with the situation 2) press him to get him to open up now, if you go with the second option, consider the fact that he will only tell you the truth or what he thinks to be truth, so you won't likely satisfy your suspicions that there's something more that you haven't found out about him. you'll find out what you already know. is that worth the effort/risk? or perhaps should you just tell him that you're not happy with his emotional distance and you want him to open up more, and then just step back and wait to see what happens? that's worth thinking about, and probably the better course of action. think about it, he's not the type to refuse the things you make clear that you want, correct? in that case, just ask him. he will probably try his best. the more reassuring and honest you are with those requests, the more likely he will be to try to give you what you want. if you are confrontational about it, not so much, he'll see that as a sign of mistrust that's not deserved, since he is worthy of your trust and has demonstrated exactly that. so tread lightly.Thanks, thatone. We're both in our middish 20s. I forgot to mention but a few months ago, we were joking around and teasing each other. I don't remember what we were talking about but I jokingly said that I don't know him. The next day, he said that he wanted to talk to me because he wanted to know if I was really joking or not about my comment. He was worried that I made that remark because of the fact that he doesn't open up much. So again, he's aware of how he is and judging from that conversation, he wants to make sure that I'm okay with that. But thank you. You've given me much to think about and I appreciate hearing it from a male who has BTDT.
quankanne Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 get thee to a bookstore and grab hold of Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages." It's a great tool for discerning what kind of "lover" your partner is, and how to effectively communicate your styles of love with each other. He makes me gifts, takes time off from work (which is huge for him) to help me with things or to spend extra time with me, jokes with me, physically affectionate, comforts me when I'm feeling sad, and always stays true to his words and promises. sounds like he's the kind who shows his love by giving his time to the one he cares about. It's not a good or bad kind of situation, just one you need to recognize and find how it suits/enhances your relationship ...
vsmini Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Sounds like my ex who was in his early/mid twenties. He thought he had "anhedonia" was very thoughtful at times but felt a constant disconnect with things. I couldn't take it - he eventually just needed to grow up and said he needed to figure out who he was. He had a lot of internalized self-hate but he never really explained it clearly.
thatone Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Thanks, thatone. We're both in our middish 20s. I forgot to mention but a few months ago, we were joking around and teasing each other. I don't remember what we were talking about but I jokingly said that I don't know him. The next day, he said that he wanted to talk to me because he wanted to know if I was really joking or not about my comment. He was worried that I made that remark because of the fact that he doesn't open up much. So again, he's aware of how he is and judging from that conversation, he wants to make sure that I'm okay with that. But thank you. You've given me much to think about and I appreciate hearing it from a male who has BTDT. for me the change that made the difference was career oriented. not to beat around the bush, i made a lot of money over the past 7 years. with money comes confidence, and with confidence comes the ability to open up a bit because you don't have to fear anything from other people (not to beat around the bush again, friends and relationships are easier to come by with money than without). i would suspect that some other life changing event would also prompt a change in his attitude. perhaps the threat of one could open him up? i don't know, if he honestly thought you were unhappy enough to leave him over this that might prompt a change, but i wouldn't initiate that out of the blue. something else to think about.
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