My story... and I fell off the wagon

[RepairMinded]

I am not about to disclose anything to ex-MM's spouse. He has lied to her about our relationship, and she is not aware that it was ever physical. He has told me he regrets the lies. The last thing I want to do is hurt her. There is evidence that she already does not trust him, so what she does now is up to her. But I will not needlessly hurt innocent people any longer, not for my own personal revenge, not for any other reason.

 

As long as you continue to passively conceal the truth from the betrayed spouse you ARE continuing to hurt her.

 

Stop thinking like a cheater and start thinking like an honest person.

 

That's the only path to healing.

[Tenacity]

As long as you continue to passively conceal the truth from the betrayed spouse you ARE continuing to hurt her.

 

Stop thinking like a cheater and start thinking like an honest person.

 

That's the only path to healing.

 

It is NOT my responsibility to inform his wife of anything. That is up to him. It won't help *my* healing for her to be further hurt. She has been hurt enough, and she knows enough, and she has made the choices that she has.

 

If I were continuing a relationship with him, then yes I could see your point, that I am continuing to hurt her. But I'm not. He has told me he is focusing on his marriage. The last thing I am going to do now is tell her things from the past that would devastate a woman who was an innocent bystander in all of this. That is his job, if he chooses to do so. She has already been told of the affair, by him. The details that I could share would only cause her more pain, and that's the last thing I want.

[Tenacity]

 

Sorry if I scared you

 

I am tough in that I think women deserve more than they settle for; especially in affairs. You deserve to be respected and cherished. And a MM is not going to respect you and cherish you; especially when he is busy hiding you and covering up his tracks

 

I was a single mom for many years and the one thing that made me get up each day was my son No man will ever come 'before' him and no man is worth me not having my son's respect. Hug and kiss your kids and make sure they know any sadness you have shown them is not about them and tell them all the time how lucky you are to have them They will pull you through the dark times, I promise.

 

GOOD LUCK!!! p.s. SO glad to hear you didn't move because of him!! See, another positive!!

 

I was scared of you LOL

 

Thank you so much for your posts. You are wise, and your words have made a huge difference to me.

[RepairMinded]

It is NOT my responsibility to inform his wife of anything. That is up to him. It won't help *my* healing for her to be further hurt. She has been hurt enough, and she knows enough, and she has made the choices that she has.

 

If I were continuing a relationship with him, then yes I could see your point, that I am continuing to hurt her. But I'm not. He has told me he is focusing on his marriage. The last thing I am going to do now is tell her things from the past that would devastate a woman who was an innocent bystander in all of this. That is his job, if he chooses to do so. She has already been told of the affair, by him. The details that I could share would only cause her more pain, and that's the last thing I want.

 

Yes it is because you were a co-participant in those activities.

 

It won't help "your" healing if she is further hurt, but it will help "your" healing to once and for all stop lying, stop concealing by omission, stop shirking responsibility for your conduct, and tell the truth. The full truth.

 

If she gets further hurt it is as a result of what you did, not disclosure of what you did.

 

Most likely in the back of your mind you realize that telling the wife the truth will result in forever foreclosing any future possibility of getting back together with your affair partner.

 

And, you don't really know that she has been told of the affair unless you've already spoken with her, directly, without his intervention. If you've spoken with her directly then failure to tell her the full truth about your affair is lying by concealment.

Edited June 27, 2011 by RepairMinded

[Tenacity]

Yes it is because you were a co-participant in those activities.

 

It won't help "your" healing if she is further hurt, but it will help "your" healing to once and for all stop lying, stop concealing by omission, stop shirking responsibility for your conduct, and tell the truth. The full truth.

 

If she gets further hurt it is as a result of what you did, not disclosure of what you did.

 

Most likely in the back of your mind you realize that telling the wife the truth will result in forever foreclosing any future possibility of getting back together with your affair partner.

 

And, you don't really know that she has been told of the affair unless you've already spoken with her, directly, without his intervention. If you've spoken with her directly then failure to tell her the full truth about your affair is lying by concealment.

 

No, this has nothing to do with me thinking I can get "back together with my ex-MM if I don't reveal all".

 

What did you miss? I have been in this mess for 4 years. I have not contacted her about this, and for a reason. I realize I was a co-participant. But I have never met her. This woman is my ex-MM's wife, and I know, from things that he has said, how much she is hurt. I know that ex-MM is making amends to her the best that he can. I know what he told me, that she "left" the marriage physically years ago, but I also know enough not to believe what I am told.

 

I know that this woman is not capable of surviving on her own... she is dependent on him, in a way that I would never be.

 

SHE is married to him, I am not. I will NOT destroy her life. There has been enough destruction. I am sorry if you think that more devastation is the answer. The answer is for me to get OUT of this.

 

Edit: And yes, I have actually spoken with her directly.

Edited June 27, 2011 by Tenacity

[chalkfarm]

I haven't read through all the posts so... just a few random thoughts.

 

Being alienated from other people is probably one of the hardest parts of your situation. Some will post that fOW should rely heavily upon their friends but when you have no one what do you do? I suspect that counseling is the thing you need right now. You can go into that situation UN-JUDGED. You can cry, melt down, be angry, throw a tantrum, and talk about the same issues over and over and over and the counselor will listen. You don't have to smile or play "nice". It will be all about YOU.

 

I know very well that it sounds impossible "to just do it" in reference to NC. The words sound so simple but the action is absolutely enormous and overwhelming. I totally understand! There are going to be days when you feel like Sisyphus - everyday rolling a giant boulder up a mountain only to watch it roll back down and then rolling that boulder up that mountain only to watch it roll back down. But you know what's funny? That mountain really will get smaller. And that boulder really will wear down. I swear to you that this is true. I absolutely swear with my whole being.

 

The most painful thing I will say is that time truly heals. As cliche as statement is, it is TRUTH. And I know you feel like there is no time left, that you are empty. You feel like only a moment of his voice will make things "right" again but he is NOT the answer. YOU are the answer! Insert gigantic smiley face here!

 

Honestly, these statements are as much for me as they are for you. After a year of NC, I still hurt. It isn't gone. I told my shrink that XMM said he felt we would be in each others lives forever - shrink said "he was right. Just not in the manner you expected".

 

Much love to you!

[RepairMinded]

I know that ex-MM is making amends to her the best that he can.

It's very interesting just how very high the level of rationalization of cheaters can be.

 

He's still in touch with you from time to time, most recently last night; and he still hasn't told her the full truth about the details of the affair--yet you still idealize and defend this creep.

 

No he's NOT making amends to her as best he can. HE HASN'T COMPLETELY THROWN YOU UNDER THE BUS YET. You are still in the thick of an emotional affair with him and still participating actively in his continuing betrayal and hurting of his wife (whom you simultaneously claim to not want to cause any more harm to.)

 

You are still lying to yourself, STOP IT. YOU ARE STILL A CHEATER. STOP THAT, TOO.

Edited June 27, 2011 by RepairMinded

[janden]

I am a very infrequent poster, but I read here obsessively and your story really struck a chord with me. I am coming up on the 3 month mark of NC after my last and final ending. I won't sugarcoat it and say it's been easy, and I still struggle many days - mostly out of anger now - so that part is good, I guess.

 

After 2-1/2 years, and multiple trial endings, I just couldn't take it anymore and I called it quits. It took him 2 months to come fishing, but I've managed to ignore. I had one minor relapse when I tried to contact him blocking my number when I was seriously concerned about his family who lives several hundred miles away and was in the direct pattern of weather devastation. He ignored my call. Even though I blocked my number, the time of day I called would have given him about 99% certainty it was me.

 

He was always very good at ignoring me. When I would try to contact after he would go silent without explanation, I would always be ignored. My trick to stay NC now is to remember how it feels to be ignored. How much that hurts.

 

Falling off the NC wagon is nothing to beat yourself up about. It happens. You just pick yourself up and keep moving forward. The next time the urge hits, and unfortunately it probably will, make yourself remember the response you got from this attempt. Remember how it made you feel. When you make yourself acknowledge that the response you are likely to get will be negative, thereby creating a very negative reaction for you, it makes it somewhat easier to ignore. I compare it to some degree like waiting out a food craving - only much more intense - but same premise. If you force yourself to wait it out, it very likely will pass. It sounds easy, I know. Believe me I've had ALOT of practice. And many failed attempts in the past. But that was then and this is now.

 

You sound very grounded and very aware of the situation - you don't appear to be looking at anything through rose-colored glasses. So forgive yourself - make that your gift to yourself. Keep reading and posting. It really does help.

[Tenacity]

I haven't read through all the posts so... just a few random thoughts.

 

Being alienated from other people is probably one of the hardest parts of your situation. Some will post that fOW should rely heavily upon their friends but when you have no one what do you do? I suspect that counseling is the thing you need right now. You can go into that situation UN-JUDGED. You can cry, melt down, be angry, throw a tantrum, and talk about the same issues over and over and over and the counselor will listen. You don't have to smile or play "nice". It will be all about YOU.

 

I know very well that it sounds impossible "to just do it" in reference to NC. The words sound so simple but the action is absolutely enormous and overwhelming. I totally understand! There are going to be days when you feel like Sisyphus - everyday rolling a giant boulder up a mountain only to watch it roll back down and then rolling that boulder up that mountain only to watch it roll back down. But you know what's funny? That mountain really will get smaller. And that boulder really will wear down. I swear to you that this is true. I absolutely swear with my whole being.

 

The most painful thing I will say is that time truly heals. As cliche as statement is, it is TRUTH. And I know you feel like there is no time left, that you are empty. You feel like only a moment of his voice will make things "right" again but he is NOT the answer. YOU are the answer! Insert gigantic smiley face here!

 

Honestly, these statements are as much for me as they are for you. After a year of NC, I still hurt. It isn't gone. I told my shrink that XMM said he felt we would be in each others lives forever - shrink said "he was right. Just not in the manner you expected".

 

Much love to you!

 

Thanks for your words and your honesty, chalkfarm. Today I feel nothing but despair. If it's possible, I actually feel worse than I did during this similar day 2 months ago.

 

I have never been big on shrinks, but maybe it's time. As you said, being alienated is horrible.

 

Right now I just feel like the world has ended. When will this nightmare be over? When will I get myself back? I can't bear the thought of another several months of this hell.

[Tenacity]

It's very interesting just how very high the level of rationalization of cheaters can be.

 

He's still in touch with you from time to time, most recently last night; and he still hasn't told her the full truth about the details of the affair--yet you still idealize and defend this creep.

 

No he's NOT making amends to her as best he can. HE HASN'T COMPLETELY THROWN YOU UNDER THE BUS YET. You are still in the thick of an emotional affair with him and still participating actively in his continuing betrayal and hurting of his wife (whom you simultaneously claim to not want to cause any more harm to.)

 

You are still lying to yourself, STOP IT. YOU ARE STILL A CHEATER. STOP THAT, TOO.

 

I realize you think you are helping, but your harshness is just rude. Don't you think I know these things? I am here TRYING to get help, TRYING to do the right thing. Does that mean nothing? Is my pain worth nothing simply because I am a CHEATER???!!!!

 

Yes, I am a terrible person. You hit me when down, congratulations. Yes, I rationalize this man who is a lying cheating scumbag. No, I did not and will not tell his wife what transpired. Do you know why? Because she ASKED me not to. She wants to live with her head in the sand.

 

Do you think this hasn't killed me? Please look at the way you address people and see if you can possibly deliver your message with a bit of sensitivity towards other imperfect human beings.

 

At one point in time I was considering suicide over this mess. I even planned out how to do it, but of course I was too much of a coward to go through with it. Just too narcissistic I guess.

 

Congratulations RepairMinded. Your barbs directly hit their mark.

[Tenacity]

I am a very infrequent poster, but I read here obsessively and your story really struck a chord with me. I am coming up on the 3 month mark of NC after my last and final ending. I won't sugarcoat it and say it's been easy, and I still struggle many days - mostly out of anger now - so that part is good, I guess.

 

After 2-1/2 years, and multiple trial endings, I just couldn't take it anymore and I called it quits. It took him 2 months to come fishing, but I've managed to ignore. I had one minor relapse when I tried to contact him blocking my number when I was seriously concerned about his family who lives several hundred miles away and was in the direct pattern of weather devastation. He ignored my call. Even though I blocked my number, the time of day I called would have given him about 99% certainty it was me.

 

He was always very good at ignoring me. When I would try to contact after he would go silent without explanation, I would always be ignored. My trick to stay NC now is to remember how it feels to be ignored. How much that hurts.

 

Falling off the NC wagon is nothing to beat yourself up about. It happens. You just pick yourself up and keep moving forward. The next time the urge hits, and unfortunately it probably will, make yourself remember the response you got from this attempt. Remember how it made you feel. When you make yourself acknowledge that the response you are likely to get will be negative, thereby creating a very negative reaction for you, it makes it somewhat easier to ignore. I compare it to some degree like waiting out a food craving - only much more intense - but same premise. If you force yourself to wait it out, it very likely will pass. It sounds easy, I know. Believe me I've had ALOT of practice. And many failed attempts in the past. But that was then and this is now.

 

You sound very grounded and very aware of the situation - you don't appear to be looking at anything through rose-colored glasses. So forgive yourself - make that your gift to yourself. Keep reading and posting. It really does help.

 

Thank you janden, for coming out of lurkdom long enough to post to me. Your words mean a lot, especially the part about remembering what it is like to be ignored.

 

I am going to go back and read your earlier posts.

 

I actually received a message from him today. He told me to leave him alone and get out of his life. Basically he spent a couple of paragraphs blaming everything that has happened on me.

 

I think that being ignored would have been better. At least now I have no further desire to contact him. But I feel completely humiliated that I gave my heart and body to this man, believing the words of love that he said. You wouldn't believe how different this strange person is from the man he used to be.

 

I guess RepairMinded and Mr Harris can now tell me I now have exactly what I deserve, which is less than nothing, and they would be right. Please have at me.

[chalkfarm]

Thanks for your words and your honesty, chalkfarm. Today I feel nothing but despair. If it's possible, I actually feel worse than I did during this similar day 2 months ago.

 

I have never been big on shrinks, but maybe it's time. As you said, being alienated is horrible.

 

Right now I just feel like the world has ended. When will this nightmare be over? When will I get myself back? I can't bear the thought of another several months of this hell.

 

I know. I know what the despair looks like, tastes like. I know how it smells.... I know!

 

I know that you have been traumatized. I truly believe that.

 

Trauma, devastation, despair..... it is indescribable how enormous these feelings are. A shrink can't fix them or wash them away but he/she can give you a safe place to take them out and look at them. You won't be rejected or made to feel stupid. As I said before, you won't be judged (you run a risk of that here on LS).

 

Honestly, I'm not big on shrinks either. I can read a book and more-or-less "get it". But when you are alone and alienated, you need someone in real time to talk with. And if you go, don't be afraid to call him/her on those things that bother you about the session. Don't walk on egg shells. The first time I met my shrink, I cried a river! You know - the ugly, snotty, red puffy faced, almost vomiting crying. And it was okay to do that. It sounds really simple but it was okay.

 

I sound like everyone else here on LS when I say - it really will get better. You won't forget but you will get better. It just takes time. And you know what? NOT crying and NOT pining does not mean you don't or didn't really and truly love him. Feeling better negates NOTHING.

 

I know you "know" everything I have said. You know it in your head and eventually your heart will catch up.

[wheelwright]

I don't think you should feel humiliated. You are a human being who contacted the person you feel love for.

 

So what?

 

Really, why? What rational emotional or even spiritual reason?

 

You will learn if he continues to show that the love you felt is worth less now than it was.

 

Perhaps that is what you need in the circumstances. You will learn. And you may do what you need to learn. Do not feel bad.

 

I really think the ongoing myth about humiliation and disturbance after attempted contact is pants.

 

Any version of the truth which involves a recovering party to feel humiliated is suspect and should be questioned. It may be right, but don't accept it without putting it up against the wall first.

 

I think giving up feeling bad about yourself is the first step. You can worry about the rest later. With hindsight.

 

Do what you need to do, speak your truth. And never think you are weak or silly when you are reacting to love. If you did it, and you obviously have strong ethics re BS etc., it was probably an OK thing to do.

 

Because you are an OK person. And more.

[fooled once]

Thanks for your words and your honesty, chalkfarm. Today I feel nothing but despair. If it's possible, I actually feel worse than I did during this similar day 2 months ago.

 

I have never been big on shrinks, but maybe it's time. As you said, being alienated is horrible.

 

Right now I just feel like the world has ended. When will this nightmare be over? When will I get myself back? I can't bear the thought of another several months of this hell.

 

Hey...what changed to make you feel this way?

 

Stop trying to fix you overnight. It is going to take time; just like it took time to get you to this place of healing.

 

Each day you will do better and better and feel better and better.

 

Stop beating yourself up, ok?

[Tenacity]

Thank you for your posts, chalkfarm, wheelwright, and fooled once. I am sitting here with tears running down my face from reading what you wrote. How can strangers care more about how I feel than he ever did? How could I have been such a miserable judge of character?

 

It was a huge setback for me to have contacted him, which resulted in his arrogant message to me today saying that it is all my fault. It hurts more than I can say to hear this from the person who I have loved, and given of myself to, more than anyone ever. I do not get close to people easily, so this is just that much harder, that I gave myself to him. I don't know if I will give my heart to anyone again ever.

 

I have to move on, I know. It's just that the next few months look beyond bleak.

 

Thanks to all for the input. I have no one else, and it is so reassuring and humbling that virtual strangers will give their time and share their painful experiences with me.

[janden]

Something that I am still struggling to do 3 months post-ending is forgive myself for my mistakes. We all make bad choices at times in our lives. It doesn't make us horrible people. Many of us chose to give ourselves and our hearts to the wrong person. I think many of us give too much control to the OP even in our endings - making the situation all about them still. I think when our hearts and our self-esteem has been shattered to pieces, it's easy to do that. We question and analyze and want answers, which usually only ends up creating more questions.

 

My ending consisted of being mocked and having very cruel, hurtful things said to me unprovoked and unwarranted by the very person I loved more than anything. There hasn't been a day in the past 3 months I haven't gone over that conversation in my head. It literally shattered me that he would do that to me.

 

It's taken ALOT of tears and ALOT of digging down in myself to find something to grasp onto to pull myself out of this. Many here are familiar with beating ourselves up after these affairs end. Sometimes I guess you need to do that, maybe so we can be sure we've learned our lesson. I'm still learning mine but one thing I know - I won't make this mistake again.

 

If he wants to be left alone, respect his wishes. The compulsion for contact can be overwhelming at times but in the end it really is the best thing for YOU.

[TurboGirl]

WOW Tenacity, I can relate to you.

 

You start NC again by not calling, not emailing, not reaching out to anyway to your xMM. Just for the day, and it goes from there. What bothered me is that you said you think he enjoys seeing you grovel at his feet. This is not the man for you!!!!! NOOO!!! He sounds like an egomaniac.

 

Please don't beat yourself up, just go NC. Get some therapy, go talk to a counselor if you can afford it. Get some books on healing. It is going to take some time to get over this one. I know how seductive and how smooth talking they can be... been there. The longer you are away from him the easier it will be, the better you will feel about yourself. This has taken your self esteem down to a very low level... and I think maybe you don't realize it just yet because you are hurting so. This xMM is NOT a decent human being. This "friendship" BS is all for him. You get nothing out of any contact with him, other than heartache.

 

We see what we want to see in someone, and we like how they make use feel... we are human, and these MM who are out there looking for vulnerable women know just how to smooth talk and lie & con. They tells us what we want to hear and we believe it.

 

BIG HUG... hang in there, go NC again, one day one hour one minute whatever it takes. You are worth so much more!!

Edited June 28, 2011 by TurboGirl

[MissBee]

Thank you for your posts, chalkfarm, wheelwright, and fooled once. I am sitting here with tears running down my face from reading what you wrote. How can strangers care more about how I feel than he ever did? How could I have been such a miserable judge of character?

 

It was a huge setback for me to have contacted him, which resulted in his arrogant message to me today saying that it is all my fault. It hurts more than I can say to hear this from the person who I have loved, and given of myself to, more than anyone ever. I do not get close to people easily, so this is just that much harder, that I gave myself to him. I don't know if I will give my heart to anyone again ever.

 

I have to move on, I know. It's just that the next few months look beyond bleak.

Thanks to all for the input. I have no one else, and it is so reassuring and humbling that virtual strangers will give their time and share their painful experiences with me.

 

 

I know the feeling Tenacity...every single day, well maybe every couple weeks, I thank God and marvel at the fact that I am sooo over that feeling of hurt and despair that I lived with everyday for a considerable amount of time. It was that painful and was a dark cloud over me for so long that I take time in my life now to look back on that dark place and then truly feel amazing and grateful that it has come and gone and won't be repeated. I can intellectually remember it but I can no longer feel how I felt and trust me...I never thought that day would come. I read other people's stories and it seemed like a dream and that they were lucky to be over it, and me being on the other side, advising someone else of how wonderful it looks over here seemed eons away...but I'm here

 

Don't think about the months, take it a day at a time. Continue sharing here and know that many women have been where you are and have also graduated from that level.

 

It will take a while before things unravel for you and you can make sense of it and feel good and trust yourself again...that's the process. But you'll get there.

 

Take whatever anger and hurt you feel and use that to propel you to shut the door on what was and look towards what you want for yourself and that which you vow never to be again. (((hugs)))

[Loni]

As long as you continue to passively conceal the truth from the betrayed spouse you ARE continuing to hurt her.

 

Stop thinking like a cheater and start thinking like an honest person.

 

That's the only path to healing.

 

I just blew diet Sprite out my nose. How is confessing going to help the original poster? Her responsibility is to heal herself and figure out how to get over the MM. Her MM's responsibility is to either fix his M by whatever means necessary (if that is what he wants) or to divorce.

 

She owes nothing to his wife; the husband does. This is not a 12 step program where you go apologizing for stuff.

 

I mean really, what do you expect her to say? "Dear wifey, I am sorry that I let your husband voluntarily put his penis in my vagina repeatedly. I promise that it won't happen with me at least again. I must say though that I cannot protect your husband's penis from other vaginas" Yes, I can see where that will help both the original poster and his wife. WTF?

[Loni]

I realize you think you are helping, but your harshness is just rude. Don't you think I know these things? I am here TRYING to get help, TRYING to do the right thing. Does that mean nothing? Is my pain worth nothing simply because I am a CHEATER???!!!!

 

Yes, I am a terrible person. You hit me when down, congratulations. Yes, I rationalize this man who is a lying cheating scumbag. No, I did not and will not tell his wife what transpired. Do you know why? Because she ASKED me not to. She wants to live with her head in the sand.

 

Do you think this hasn't killed me? Please look at the way you address people and see if you can possibly deliver your message with a bit of sensitivity towards other imperfect human beings.

 

At one point in time I was considering suicide over this mess. I even planned out how to do it, but of course I was too much of a coward to go through with it. Just too narcissistic I guess.

 

Congratulations RepairMinded. Your barbs directly hit their mark.

 

Tenacity! Look straight ahead and take one moment at a time. There are women here who cannot confront their husband's OW. They will try to make you feel like crap because they are dealing with their own pain and cannot confront the OW in their situations so they will cowardly attack you. IGNORE IT. Really, ignore it. Their pain does not negate your pain nor does it make it less valid.

 

Truth be told they are more effed up than you. They are stuck in a lifetime of what ifs. You will be fine. Get up tomorrow, brush your teeth and take a shower. Put one foot in front of the other and wear those pumps that make your legs look great or wear those jeans that feel good.

 

You are not a bad person. Don't let some a sshole on the internet who has a cheating husband and is angry (and make no mistake she does) make you feel that way.

[Tenacity]

I just blew diet Sprite out my nose. How is confessing going to help the original poster? Her responsibility is to heal herself and figure out how to get over the MM. Her MM's responsibility is to either fix his M by whatever means necessary (if that is what he wants) or to divorce.

 

She owes nothing to his wife; the husband does. This is not a 12 step program where you go apologizing for stuff.

 

I mean really, what do you expect her to say? "Dear wifey, I am sorry that I let your husband voluntarily put his penis in my vagina repeatedly. I promise that it won't happen with me at least again. I must say though that I cannot protect your husband's penis from other vaginas" Yes, I can see where that will help both the original poster and his wife. WTF?

 

LOL!!! I woke up at 4 this morning and read this. Thanks, I needed it! Yes, I should also tell her about the many unique and interesting places that it happened. That would certainly contribute to the healing of all parties!

 

I normally am good at ignoring such personal attacks but I was too far down and out yesterday.

 

Thanks to the last few posts that I didn't individually address; you guys have no idea how much you have helped me. I appreciate everyone who replied to me. This is a great forum!