Psychology of No Contact on Dumper?

[NickFrescia]

So I believe I had a BPD ex (or one that had many bpd traits) and she dumped me (we were co-workers). I decided I did not want to work with her and left the job which really irritated her (I'm guessing she wanted me around but did not want me as her bf) and so she burned all the bridges by telling me never to contact her again , deleting and blocking me on gmail and facebook,etc. Basically she treated me like I was going to stalk her and told me if I called her again that she would be very upset. Nothing I have ever done in this relationship could be considered grounds for treating me like I was a stalker (I have avoidant issues for christ sake). I got the feeling she felt she was better than me and that she was doing me a favor by even considering a relationship with me. She has a healthy ego

 

Anyway, due to my natural tendencies towards avoidance, no contact was a piece of cake. I never contacted her again. It has been nearly 5 months.

 

Along the way there have been several chances to meet her at parties thrown by my old co-workers which I have not showed up to. I know for a fact that if she didn't want me there she could have vetoed my invitation. She even gave my phone number to a co-worker to contact me.

 

Last week, around the 5 month mark of no contact, I was walking out of a store and happened to pass by a restaurant where she was sitting. I randomly glanced in that direction and she was staring at me with a surprised look on her face. We made eye contact and I turned my head and walked away with complete indifference. This wasn't planned but I truly did not care anymore. I looked at her like a stranger...

 

Can someone tell me what their summation of this situation would be on the dumper? I suspect my ex, whether she truly still had feelings for me or wanted me back (doubt it), probably thought I would contact her to get back together (apparently all her ex boyfriends were very persistent).

 

I just kind of walked away from her after the break up without much of a fight (only one cliche pathetic "lets work this out, we belong together" email").

 

When she dumped me, I could tell she had no respect for me and probably felt I was hanging on her every word. That's why I think that one look of indifference I gave her after 5 months of NC and simply walking away rather than waving or going inside the restaurant to say HI speaks volumes about my state of mind.

 

Even if she was over me...I suspect that has gotta sting the ego a bit.

[wilsonx]

It is an ego hit, to see that you can survive and be happier without them then with them. Just continue no contact and stay out of her life forever

[0hpenelope]

Who knows, Nick? If your ex is the kind of person who's used to getting attention from people, then your no contact might've stung. If she's that kind of person but she really doesn't care about you anymore, then you ignoring her wouldn't have done anything.

 

When we want something from people, being ignored by those people hurts our feelings. But when we don't, then their no contact with us doesn't hurt because we don't care.

 

Either way, I think for this scenario, your avoidant tendencies helped you well. I usually keep mine in check but with my break up, I let it loose. I avoid people who I know don't want anything to do with me, so after the brief struggle with feeling sad, hurt, and angry, I let the majority of them go and NC became easier. Good job!

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

she got irritated because you left your job with her?

 

 

sounds like she depends on the dumpee in order to move on. she probably thought you would feed her ego everyday at work, call her, email her, just contacting her in general. But you didn't give her that luxury so she struggled in the moving on phase. that would also explain why she gave your number out and your invitations to the parties were not "vetoed" by her.

 

 

I bet you at least shocked her with your look of indifference, might have even devastated her if she is still struggling to move on without you.

[Ajax]

We made eye contact and I turned my head and walked away with complete indifference. This wasn't planned but I truly did not care anymore. I looked at her like a stranger...

 

 

The simple fact that you're asking this question is proof that you are not indifferent.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

The simple fact that you're asking this question is proof that you are not indifferent.

 

 

^^^ good point.

 

 

but regardless of whether he is truly indifferent is irrelevant right now, he glanced over saw her and continued walking. I'm not sure of any way that SHE could interpret that behaviour as anything but indifferent. unless he changed a facial expression or wasn't as collected as he thinks he was.

[NickFrescia]

Who knows, Nick? If your ex is the kind of person who's used to getting attention from people, then your no contact might've stung. If she's that kind of person but she really doesn't care about you anymore, then you ignoring her wouldn't have done anything.

 

When we want something from people, being ignored by those people hurts our feelings. But when we don't, then their no contact with us doesn't hurt because we don't care.

 

Either way, I think for this scenario, your avoidant tendencies helped you well. I usually keep mine in check but with my break up, I let it loose. I avoid people who I know don't want anything to do with me, so after the brief struggle with feeling sad, hurt, and angry, I let the majority of them go and NC became easier. Good job!

 

Thanks for your reply and congratulations on your NC...

 

She is very attractive...and guys throw themselves at her. But I'm no slouch in the looks department either (I used to work as a model).

 

She seemed genuinely hurt/surprised by that encounter....I could see in her face there were feelings there.

 

I don't know if I made a big mistake by taking her at her word and enforcing strict NC...when she gets angry, she has a tendency to run her mouth. It is maybe even possible that she wanted me back. I will never know...but she has never made any direct contact probably because of her pride and fearing I would reject her.

 

We were good friends prior to the relationship and there was intense chemistry and an emotional connection....it's so sad to have it all thrown away over this.

 

Should I entertain thoughts of mending fences if my old coworkers invite me to another reunion party or should I just let bygones be bygones and erase her?

 

I was happier away from the relationship and her...and have no interest in seeing her....but at times I do miss our friendship. I have never had such an incredible chemistry with a woman before. Such things are rare and hard to forget. But if your partner doesn't respect you (she thought she was more intelligent and accomplished than me)....what kind of friendship can there be right?

 

I guess the risk with NC always is that "what if" scenario, where you have no idea if you could have repaired things....

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Do you want to go to the parties?

 

 

and if so...

 

 

do you want to go because she will be there? or to catch up with your old co-workers?

[NickFrescia]

The simple fact that you're asking this question is proof that you are not indifferent.

 

I agree with you but I think I am not too far from that point. Every time I think I have moved on, she pops up in my radar some way. It is so irritating because old memories flood back. NC is great because of the "out of sight, out of mind" thing.

 

She is a nice person but in her darker moments like any BPD can be extremely cruel. I was completely destroyed by the harshness of her words during the breakup....but that doesn't mean I want her to suffer. I even feel sad that I saw her at that restaurant because I imagine she did not interpret it in the right way.

 

As a dumper, she should be relieved that I stayed out of her life but....I suspect as someone else said, she wanted me to feed her ego. She was a divorcee and told me that my affection and kindness were healing to her...

 

Anyway, I feel guilty but I don't know why I should? I gave her what she asked for...no contact ... ever.

[NickFrescia]

she got irritated because you left your job with her?

 

 

sounds like she depends on the dumpee in order to move on. she probably thought you would feed her ego everyday at work, call her, email her, just contacting her in general. But you didn't give her that luxury so she struggled in the moving on phase. that would also explain why she gave your number out and your invitations to the parties were not "vetoed" by her.

 

 

I bet you at least shocked her with your look of indifference, might have even devastated her if she is still struggling to move on without you.

 

She was extremely annoyed (though she blamed her anger on my unprofessional ism even though I had a replacement for my position). As you mentioned, I think she wanted me to cushion the landing. What was also complicating things was that it was a short term relationship and we were at the height of the honeymoon/infatuation point where emotions were high.

 

It's only once all that wore off that I realized I wasn't really all that happy and it was a one-way street with me showering affection on her. She really liked me, that I do know...but I suspect she didn't see me as marriage material.

 

To give some background on her struggles with me, we were incompatible in the sense that it was the cliche serious/conservative woman who falls for the laidback funlover scenario. What kept it going and what continues I think to bother me is that intense chemistry I had with her. I feel addicted to it.

 

To answer your other question....I would go to the party simply to see her and reconnect....I have little interest in my co-workers. I guess I am questioning whether I have ruined a chance to save a friendship because I am being petty with NC. Maybe she is genuinely sorry and is reaching out in these indirect ways?

Edited June 27, 2011 by NickFrescia

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

you said you are/were addicted to that vast chemistry that you felt with her. I'm not saying that you shouldn't go to the party to see her because there might be a salvageable friendship but be careful because you may feel that chemistry again and want a fix for your addiction (meaning you will either try to salvage the relationship or be very hurt afterwards).

[NickFrescia]

Thanks for your advice HeartofaPhoenix....I think I'll just have to keep my distance from her. To be honest I suspect I have been avoiding her simply because I am afraid of the feelings she brings out in me. Don't want to get hurt again so I will stay away....

[Mack05]

Nick, if she has BPD traits why on earth would you even want to go back to her? I think some dumpers don't like it when the dumpee moves on, so I think she was probably surprised. Either way it shouldn't matter. You hadn't seen in her in 5 months. You reacted in the correct way. You should be proud of yourself. Now continue with your positive progress and keep moving on. The one thing you shouldn't be doing is wondering about her.

[Sugarkane]

Hi Nick first congrats on going full NC, most people aren't able to achieve this. Everything you described about your ex sounds exactlty like my ex, except my ex is male. My ex is also attractive and is used to lots of attention. I've been ful NC since day 1. I think you ex might have expected you to beg, plead and follow her around like a sick puppy dog at work. I think you've done really well and should pat yourself on the back.

[Movingthrough]

I think i see what you are trying to ask here, and its always a weird thing with dumpers. They break it off, but sub-consciously they want you to chase them. I think like the other poster said, its just the human nature of someone ignoring that hurts, but most of the time when dumpers break it off in a insecure manner, they have their own issues. There are always issues if a relationship breaks off, but a lot of the stories on here are more of an "out of nowhere" break up, so the dumpers have deeper issues.

 

Ive replied like this many times, the dumper breaks it off, paints the dumpee black then secretly wants the dumpee to chase them. Ive said it before but my ex did the same thing, then the minute i cut off contact she got pissed. I would say know that your ex is not happy, the whole giving your number out thing and not blocking you from the party is basically like going fishing, she is trying to see if you will bite.

 

The psych. behind all this is actually pretty simple i would think. Your ex has deeper problems then she lets off, and she uses other people to try and fix them. Like with the stalking comments, if you were truly doing nothing along those lines then that is her trying to justify the breakup, make everything look bad. People like this seem to be very common nowadays and i think its because we live in a world where you can have issues and jump from person to person covering them up, its accepted. All of us here have been through hell trying to fix our issues after a breakup, but its easier to blame and try to forget, thats what your ex seems to be doing, its just less painful.

[Mack05]

I think i see what you are trying to ask here, and its always a weird thing with dumpers. They break it off, but sub-consciously they want you to chase them. I think like the other poster said, its just the human nature of someone ignoring that hurts, but most of the time when dumpers break it off in a insecure manner, they have their own issues. There are always issues if a relationship breaks off, but a lot of the stories on here are more of an "out of nowhere" break up, so the dumpers have deeper issues.

 

Ive replied like this many times, the dumper breaks it off, paints the dumpee black then secretly wants the dumpee to chase them. Ive said it before but my ex did the same thing, then the minute i cut off contact she got pissed. I would say know that your ex is not happy, the whole giving your number out thing and not blocking you from the party is basically like going fishing, she is trying to see if you will bite.

 

The psych. behind all this is actually pretty simple i would think. Your ex has deeper problems then she lets off, and she uses other people to try and fix them. Like with the stalking comments, if you were truly doing nothing along those lines then that is her trying to justify the breakup, make everything look bad. People like this seem to be very common nowadays and i think its because we live in a world where you can have issues and jump from person to person covering them up, its accepted. All of us here have been through hell trying to fix our issues after a breakup, but its easier to blame and try to forget, thats what your ex seems to be doing, its just less painful.

 

Good Post Moving

[NickFrescia]

Thanks for all your replies guys. Is it safe to assume that any contact at this point with her is merely for her ego to be placated and has nothing to do with me? i.e. using me?

 

Her official reason for dumping me was that she wasn't interested and that stringing me along would be manipulative. I was not a good partner for her because I cannot relate to her experiences (she's older, divorcee, had a lot of life experience,etc) and she was contacted by her ex around the time she broke things off with me. I appreciated her candor (even if some of her words were excessively harsh) and thus completely erased her from my mind the last 5 months.

 

Was I a rebound? Looking at her face, I know she still has feelings for me and she admitted we had excellent chemistry. I stayed away from her thinking I would confuse her and myself. If she wanted someone else, why stay around her and complicate her life?

 

Now I get the picture that she would have used me as an ego boost and slowly weaned herself off me? That maybe it wasn't about wanting to rekindle the friendship or maybe to reaffirm if she was right in her decision?

Edited June 30, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[NickFrescia]

Nick, if she has BPD traits why on earth would you even want to go back to her? I think some dumpers don't like it when the dumpee moves on, so I think she was probably surprised. Either way it shouldn't matter. You hadn't seen in her in 5 months. You reacted in the correct way. You should be proud of yourself. Now continue with your positive progress and keep moving on. The one thing you shouldn't be doing is wondering about her.

 

Mack, she was the first woman I have really had feelings for as a grown man. My last relationship was when I was still in college and since then its just been a series of crushes. Nothing ever progressed to this level. Probably that is the reason I still have a soft corner for her even after all the verbal abuse I got from her...