Will He Ever Decide?

[donnamaybe]

How can a person not have a right to leave to be with someone else? Of course he has the right.

Absolutely. Anyone has the right to end a R and move on to another. What I don't believe should be a person's "right" is to lead one person on while lying to another. We abhor that behavior in players, and we should abhor it in anyone else.

 

OP, just do what's best for you. Watch his actions rather than listen to pretty words.

[NoIDidn't]

OP, I know some OW bristle at the thought of their being a "script" but its true. Everything in your update rang as "scripted" to me.

 

The proof is in the puddling.

 

I predict more hemming and hawing from him asking for a little bit more time and saying now isn't the right time or whatever, until you give up talking about "when" and just sit and "wait" on him.

 

There is a script love, and the only way to really rewrite is to change your actions in it. So long as you continue to answer his calls and stay "so positive", he will eat all the cake you allow. NC is the way to break this script.

 

I fear if you stay on until he possibly gets a divorce, you'll find out rather late that he was a frog and not a prince.

[heartinlove]

Unfortunately I have to agree.

 

OP I feel you are so wrapped up in this man that you believe he is better than he truly is. He was living a lie for nearly a year. Then even after he told his wife the truth he stayed in touch with his OW while pretending to be working on the marriage [the two don't go hand in hand]. What he has done to his wife he can do to you & in my opinion is doing to you by dragging you through his mess. And you go along for the ride because you believe in him. I just want to point out that maybe believing in him so much may not be in your best interest. It could end up leading to a lot of hurt, just like his wife is undoubtedly feeling.

 

Just so you know, I was an OW. So I'm not trying to preach to you. Just trying to share what I learned the hard way. My xMM repeatedly told me he was leaving his wife . . . even moved out a couple times. In the end, he stayed put. Come to find out that during one of our 'breaks' he renewed his vows w/ his wife . . . then went back to the affair as soon as I would take him back . . . because I 'believed' in him... . . . & because I was selfish. Ironically I thought I had my own best interests at heart . . . which is what you have to do to be an OW-- no matter how much you say you don't want to hurt the wife & kids, you are, so, you are only thinking of your best interest by staying involved . . . but in the end what I learned was that I was in fact acting against my best interests, & bringing hurt & pain onto myself. That's why now I'm a big believer in staying true to myself & my own ideals & not compromising them for any guy or accepting less than I know I deserve, like MissBee says. You say you are a good, honest, truthful etc. person but you have been living a lie with him this whole time. It has only been hurting you, his wife, his kids, everything.

 

I found out with the benefit of distance & hindsight that my xMM was a classic cake-eater, even moreso than most, that he had no problem telling his wife he was 100% sorry & devoted to her, while at the very same time telling me he was 100% sure he was getting divorced & was going to be with me. Some people have absolutely no problem living double [or more] lives, & they are very comfortable & convincing in each separate life. Just think about it. I know you say you know him but really doesn't every OW? None of us would be doing all of this for some guy we know we don't know, or for some guy we know would throw us under the bus or lie to us or string us along. But usually that is exactly what they're doing, intentionally or unintentionally, & all we know of them is the side the present to us & what we want to see. Just protect yourself & be true to yourself is what I'm trying to say.

 

When is this planned conversation with his wife supposed to take place? As far as what he should tell her, I believe she deserves the whole truth, & I also think she'll obviously put it together since he's already told her about you! Why continue the lie, it makes no sense. I think he needs to start being completely honest for once. If he's capable of that. Often I really don't think they are.

 

Wow. Thanks for sharing all of that. You're story really hit home and has given me alot to think about. I so deeply believe that we will be together and see my story as going to have a happy ending and then I read a story like yours and I realize that so many people on here were convinced they too were going to have a happy ending. I don't really protect myself emotionally because I believe what he tells me to be true, because I do believe in him.

But this is so emotional, so consuming and lets face it, if I was 100% sure, I wouldn't be posting here would I. I need to rethink all of that and give this a time frame, and to see what his actions are. That seems to be the common thread you all are saying. The conversation he says will take place in the next month. And you're right, when the **** has hit the fan in the past he chose the marriage, so until he proves differently, I shouldnt buy into all the future plans and commitments to be together.

[heartinlove]

Heart...set a timeframe on when he's going to tell his wife and file for divorce.

 

If it's not happened in the next two weeks...it will never happen unless she finds out and gives him the boot first.

 

OK...never isn't the right word. But I will say that it probably won't happen...and admit he could be an exception, but I'd give you better odds on getting rich at the horse races.

 

Thanks Owl for the feedback. I have read your feedback to others and always feel you have something really helpful to say. I am going to give this a time frame to see what his actions are. Im thinking right now to give it 3 months.

[heartinlove]

Without addressing everyones feedback individually, I'll just say I appreciate all of it. This is not a situation I or anyone I know has been in, so even though Im surrounded by caring people, its been hard to navigate.

 

I do see where I am giving my power away to him to decide and that is part of the pain I am in. I need to address that.

 

I guess I've been counting on MM to know himself well enough to at some point make a real choice. I sometimes get so caught up in the fear of the pain that this will cause his wife and kids that I forget about the pain I am in with the back and forths. It is a painful place to be. I go through long periods where i am very secure that we will be together, but I think that is part of my personality to be positive, whereas maybe that is a weakness here. I need to also accept he may ultimately choose the marriage no matter what he is saying to me, no matter how in love with me he is.

 

I do truly know he loves me and that his feelings are real. But I see from so many stories here, that love doesn't always translate into action. I need to not get so excited and plan my life from his words, but rather stay neutral, until I see what his actions truly are.

 

I do need to give this a time frame because no matter how much Im scared of what we will all go through if he does leave the marriage, I also know I can't stay in this limbo forever.

 

Again, thank you all.

[Anna101]

Hiya,

 

You sound like I did, so I thought I'd show you another 'how it can happen' story.

 

I totally believed in my MM too. He 'showed' me numerous times how committed he was to me - took many risks, he came to my family gatherings, rang me every single day without fail, and so on. Like most others, he was waiting for the 'right time' to leave.

 

And like you, I believed he was a good man, having a difficult time in a hole he couldn't work out how to dig his way out of without having to face the consequences head on.

 

He did end up having the separation talk with her, and he was ok with it.

Then, he told her about me. He lost the control in THEIR r/ship all of a sudden and then he did a back flip and wanted her back. She kicked him out and he lost the plot....seriously and undoubtedly lost the plot.

 

So I am warning you against this - he MAY choose you, or begin to, but if she does her backflip and doesn't want him, this may have the opposite effect on him and he'll start to grasp desperately at what he's losing.

 

After a lot of work, forgiveness and finally some honesty, we did come out of this ok. Things are good now, hard, but good. So it CAN work, but just be prepared for the fact it will not go how you imagine at all.

[awkward]

I guess I've been counting on MM to know himself well enough to at some point make a real choice.

 

I do need to give this a time frame because no matter how much Im scared of what we will all go through if he does leave the marriage, I also know I can't stay in this limbo forever.

 

Again, thank you all.

 

MM already made a real choice. He chose both. You asked him to make another choice because his first choice sucks.

 

Now he is telling you that you are his choice. For your own sanity, I hope you do set a time frame and stick to it. Whether you choose 2 weeks, 3 months, or 1 year pick a drop dead date where he proves you are his choice. If at that deadline you are still hearing words and not seeing real actions, move on and heal from this relationship.

 

Many people have set their deadline only to have it come and go. There is always something stopping action from happening. They are told to just hang on a little while longer. Before you know it, it will have been years. Don't let that happen to you.

[crazygood]

There's the matter of intuition versus wishful thinking too...sometimes intuition is clouded by wishful thinking.I am not claiming to know which case it is for you, we can only discuss the evidence of what is in fact happening with him right now.

 

Professing your love to someone is just words....going to counseling with one's wife is an action.

 

From my experience...people can say whatever they want til the cows come home and we're very good at taking "word checks" and happily running to the bank to cash them, even when based on the lack of positive actions, the check is in fact useless as there is no money in the "bank".

 

My ex taken guy did love me...however, that love was not enough and us being together just did not happen and to this day, years after we have been over, he still says he has feelings for me...but it doesn't mean much in terms of "us being together". I will always have love for him and vice versa probably, but I wasn't his choice and he is not my choice now and that's A-ok. There's having feelings for someone and valuing them and then there is loving and valuing them enough to choose them and to choose them first and to back up your declarations of love with consistent actions.

 

Yes, yes and yes. Believe me, from personal experience I know that it is damn easy to be taken in, and damn hard to get yourself out. But, like Miss Bee said, "love is something you DO, not something you FEEL." For me, I thought love was something I felt and the other person felt, and love would conquer all. I was right and wrong. Love will conquer all- but love is NOT how you feel. Love is not an emotion- it is an action. While we "feel" love for someone- and I know how strongly that binds us women- love is really something you DO. Love is staying up all night and taking care of your sick child (action) when what you would much rather do is sleep. Love is not telling someone you love them, then going home to someone else and SHOWING them that you love them by being there for THEM. If the guy really loved you, he would be ACTING his love for you, not TELLING his love for you.

 

This sucks so bad for you, and I know it. Because you want to be LOVED- you want him to SHOW you his love, and take the actions that are love. But he doesn't. He doesn't LOVE you- (adjective). He desires you, and enjoys you, and has fun with you. You are beautiful, and exciting and wonderful. You really are. And he wants to take what wonderful you-ness you have to give, and enjoy it. But he won't LOVE (take action towards) you. And that hurts like a mother. But it's true. Just break the connection. Just let it go. It will hurt- you may feel like you "lost", in your eyes and in the eyes of his wife. You may think she will feel vindicated and happy and spiteful. But she won't. She will simply feel humbled, and grateful, and peaceful. And then you will have shown your love for her- through your actions. Love her, because then you can love yourself. And know that someday, you will hold the title of "Wife", because you are worth that.

 

Much love to ya girl!

[MissBee]

Yes, yes and yes. Believe me, from personal experience I know that it is damn easy to be taken in, and damn hard to get yourself out. But, like Miss Bee said, "love is something you DO, not something you FEEL." For me, I thought love was something I felt and the other person felt, and love would conquer all. I was right and wrong. Love will conquer all- but love is NOT how you feel. Love is not an emotion- it is an action. While we "feel" love for someone- and I know how strongly that binds us women- love is really something you DO. Love is staying up all night and taking care of your sick child (action) when what you would much rather do is sleep. Love is not telling someone you love them, then going home to someone else and SHOWING them that you love them by being there for THEM. If the guy really loved you, he would be ACTING his love for you, not TELLING his love for you.

 

This sucks so bad for you, and I know it. Because you want to be LOVED- you want him to SHOW you his love, and take the actions that are love. But he doesn't. He doesn't LOVE you- (adjective). He desires you, and enjoys you, and has fun with you. You are beautiful, and exciting and wonderful. You really are. And he wants to take what wonderful you-ness you have to give, and enjoy it. But he won't LOVE (take action towards) you. And that hurts like a mother. But it's true. Just break the connection. Just let it go. It will hurt- you may feel like you "lost", in your eyes and in the eyes of his wife. You may think she will feel vindicated and happy and spiteful. But she won't. She will simply feel humbled, and grateful, and peaceful. And then you will have shown your love for her- through your actions. Love her, because then you can love yourself. And know that someday, you will hold the title of "Wife", because you are worth that.

 

Much love to ya girl!

 

Excellently said Crazy!

 

That's the 100% truth.

 

I too have been caught up in lofty professions of love and inconsequential actions that I nurtured and sipped slowly thinking they meant more than they did...smh...getting full on "air pie" only to realize that my stomach was still growling.

Edited July 12, 2011 by MissBee

[chalkfarm]

Hiya,

 

You sound like I did, so I thought I'd show you another 'how it can happen' story.

 

I totally believed in my MM too. He 'showed' me numerous times how committed he was to me - took many risks, he came to my family gatherings, rang me every single day without fail, and so on. Like most others, he was waiting for the 'right time' to leave.

 

And like you, I believed he was a good man, having a difficult time in a hole he couldn't work out how to dig his way out of without having to face the consequences head on.

 

He did end up having the separation talk with her, and he was ok with it.

Then, he told her about me. He lost the control in THEIR r/ship all of a sudden and then he did a back flip and wanted her back. She kicked him out and he lost the plot....seriously and undoubtedly lost the plot.

 

So I am warning you against this - he MAY choose you, or begin to, but if she does her backflip and doesn't want him, this may have the opposite effect on him and he'll start to grasp desperately at what he's losing.

 

After a lot of work, forgiveness and finally some honesty, we did come out of this ok. Things are good now, hard, but good. So it CAN work, but just be prepared for the fact it will not go how you imagine at all.

Thank you for all of your even handed, honest views. They are much appreciated!