Anxiety, Depression, Insomnia

[D-Lish]

I've gone off my Meds more times than I can count. But multiple hospitalizations woke me up the reality that Meds work for me. Nobody would tell a bipolar like me that Meds are bad. But sadly anxiety isn't treated like that. People tell you to breathe and relax. Great, but oxygen is not going to adjust brain chemistry.

 

In some ways, my mental illnesses are a blessing. I learned self care, boundaries, and tolerating setbacks. These are good life skills to have. But yeah, I get upended by stress. In fact, last summer I was doing online dating and I became severely depressed. In fact, that's what brought me to the forum. And then I stopped dating for several months. And I felt better. Life situations that seem totally normal to others is hard for me. But oddly, I don't feel disabled. I'm simply a bit different and unable to deal with BS for long.

 

D Lish, I don't have answers except to say that if you've had remissions in the past, you likely will get relief from previous treatments.

 

Thanks Cee,

 

I struggle with the stigma vs. the result when it comes to the meds. I think that's why I keep going off my meds after I feel better.

 

My dad is a Dr. and he's always told me that if you break your leg, you get a cast, if you cut your arm, you get stitches, if you have a headache, you take a tylenol... He's very adamant that ailments affecting our brains are no different.

[betterdeal]

How does anyone else know your medication regime? I mean, about a quarter of the adult population have diagnosed mental health issues (and I think that's massively under reported) and millions are on happy pills.

 

Sure, it's unnatural, but everything about the modern period is based on unnaturalness. The entire modern period is a result of drugs e.g. cinnamon, ginger, tea, coffee, opium, tobacco. You'll be surprised who comes out of the woodwork and says, "me too" if you accept you like these pills like other people like coffee to make them function.

 

That said, I do wish they'd prescribe MDMA instead of farting around creating all these imitations of it.

Edited June 29, 2011 by betterdeal

[cerridwen]

D-lish, I understand.

What you describe is not at all alien to me.

 

I lived with a knot in my stomach and adrenaline coursing through my body for most of my teen years and through my 20s.

Some days, my emotions were so raw, and my sensitivity so acute, I felt I was turned inside out with all my nerve endings exposed to every stimulus.

 

Just to change things up, my brain liked to occasionally throw me into soul-tearing depressions, one of which landed me in the hospital.

 

Thankfully, I found a great doctor to diagnose what ails me. An amazing therapist helped as well. My faith also played a big part.

 

My immediate concern for you is the stress of your job. That constant weight feeding your anxiety can't be good. Is there perhaps some vacation time you can take? Would you consider a short leave of absence?

[D-Lish]

D-lish, I understand.

What you describe is not at all alien to me.

 

I lived with a knot in my stomach and adrenaline coursing through my body for most of my teen years and through my 20s.

Some days, my emotions were so raw, and my sensitivity so acute, I felt I was turned inside out with all my nerve endings exposed to every stimulus.

 

Just to change things up, my brain liked to occasionally throw me into soul-tearing depressions, one of which landed me in the hospital.

 

Thankfully, I found a great doctor to diagnose what ails me. An amazing therapist helped as well. My faith also played a big part.

 

My immediate concern for you is the stress of your job. That constant weight feeding your anxiety can't be good. Is there perhaps some vacation time you can take? Would you consider a short leave of absence?

 

Thank you so much for just "understanding". That in itself makes me feel so much less weird, lol. It feels really good just to have someone say they understand.

 

You know what is so frustrating? I am witty, fun, smart, loving, capable, logical, at my core- but my anxiety prevents me from achieving the potential. I think a lot of us that understand this can appreciate the frustration.

 

I have vacation available- just haven't taken it. So much responsibility- I couldn't imagine taking time, even though I need to.

[betterdeal]

Take a holiday.

[cerridwen]

Yes, D-Lish. Please consider taking some vacation for yourself. You're such a lovely person. You deserve some looking after.

Have you ever looked into a spa/retreat type get away? "Rejuvenate the Body and Soul" type of thing?

[oldguy]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate all the responses.

 

I've lived with the anxiety since I was a child. I've had lots of therapy, including CBT- and I practice deep breathing every day- it hasn't helped. The only time I've ever felt normal is when I took the cocktail of wellbutrin and clonozopam. I just remember thinking to myself one day about 6 weeks after starting the meds... "wow, I feel relaxed and happy". The anxiety was just GONE- and as someone that had spent 30 years suffering from chronic anxiousness, it was an amazing thing to experience. It was just stupid of me to go off the meds thinking I had been "cured"... Because sure enough, within a few months, I was back to the same old place.

 

My anxiety is pretty extreme, and it's the physical symptoms that stifle me. It's really hard to concentrate and function when your body is in the fight or flight mode 24/7. The CBT has helped me to deal with some of the ruminating- but it does nothing to help with the physical aspects of my anxiety.

 

It's like living life with chronic migraines (just as an example)- you can't control your body producing the headache- it just is what it is. For some reason people think that a migraine is something that's okay to take meds for- but things like anxiety and depression are ailments that don't need that attention despite the fact that it's a chemical issue in your brain. I don't want to take meds for the rest of my life- but maybe it's the best thing for me given my past history of success with taking meds.

 

Trust me, I've gone the gentler route, and it helps for an hour or so- but unless I'm doing yoga or practicing deep breathing 24 hours a day- These calming techniques really only have short term effects for me.

 

I too feel there is a stigma attached to taking meds - which is why I think I tend to go off them when I "feel better".

 

For most people meds are a temporary band-aid until they can get their depression & anxiety under control. If your suffering the effects of either I would suggest getting back on the meds to give you body & emotions a break.

 

If you where a diabetic you would take meds, so IF you have to take meds to feel better, take the meds & continue with therapy. Take care of your body.

 

You've been dealing with this for years so you have probably explored supplements, vitamins, food allergies & various mental health disciplines. Don't stop but again, get yourself medicated before you get sick.

 

Try EMDR. It originated as a treatment for PTSD but it has been found to be helpful for traumatic disorders & childhood traumas. If you suffered a trauma as a child you will cognitively come to terms with it as an adult but you will always re-experience the trauma through the emotional view of that child. If this is part of your issue EMDR can help.

[D-Lish]

For most people meds are a temporary band-aid until they can get their depression & anxiety under control. If your suffering the effects of either I would suggest getting back on the meds to give you body & emotions a break.

 

If you where a diabetic you would take meds, so IF you have to take meds to feel better, take the meds & continue with therapy. Take care of your body.

 

You've been dealing with this for years so you have probably explored supplements, vitamins, food allergies & various mental health disciplines. Don't stop but again, get yourself medicated before you get sick.

 

Try EMDR. It originated as a treatment for PTSD but it has been found to be helpful for traumatic disorders & childhood traumas. If you suffered a trauma as a child you will cognitively come to terms with it as an adult but you will always re-experience the trauma through the emotional view of that child. If this is part of your issue EMDR can help.

 

I guess I did suffer a trauma as a child. I was adopted at birth, and my parents told me as soon as I was old enough to understand that I was adopted- and that made me "special" because they really wanted me. I think it all goes back to being adopted- because I internalized the abandonment. From the time I was 5, until I actually met my birth mother at the age of 25- I found myself in crowds searching faces wondering if one of those women I was passing by could have been my mother. It consumed me more than I realized looking back- I was always searching faces, looking for a resemblence. I always say the side "my mother didn't want me".

 

I met my bio-mom when I was 25, and we carried on a casual relationship with one another. She came to my wedding, we saw one another once or twice a year, kept in contact via e-mail here and there. One day about 4 years ago I was at the grocery store with a bf and she walked right past me with an older woman in the parking lot. She looked at me and pretended not to know me. I was confused, thought she didn't see me- so I ran back to say hello as she was grabbing a cart. She was panicked and said she was sorry to ignore me but she was with her step-mom who didn't know I existed, and couldn't tell her (she's only told her mother's side of the family- never her father who was already divorced from her mother when she got pregnant with me).

 

I felt abandoned all over again after that. The woman that gave birth to me pretending not to know me.

 

Maybe I will check out what you suggest as an alternative therapy route.

 

I do need to take a vacation, I have three weeks coming to me- just trying to find the right time is hard- there is so much to get done at work.

 

I'm going back to my Dr. Tuesday, so I can explore some options with her.

[thehead]

Wow. I'm sorry you had to experience that with your birth mother.

That was painful to read. I can only imagine what it was like to live it.

 

Hope your doctor can help. Seriously consider taking some time away too.

[2sunny]

it is hard to read that bio mom story. abandonment and rejection seem an issue... and may be best to run through it with a counselor... i could see the benefit for you if you get to the heart of those issues.

 

i have learned... that i took my experience as a child (good and bad) and essentially pick those same circumstances for myself as an adult - even though i knew it would make me unhappy - but mainly because it was familiar.

 

i was doing everything back wards. if i would have just made choices for complete contrary action from what i was taught, and learned, as a child - i would have done well with my choices.

 

i'm sorry for that experience with bio mom. now you know what NOT to expect from her = decency... now that you know - there's no reason to chase a woman who intends to ignore you to suit her own selfish needs/situations.

 

there ARE many who DO love you here d-lish... concentrate on those that do.

 

hugs and feel better

[whichwayisup]

I guess I did suffer a trauma as a child. I was adopted at birth, and my parents told me as soon as I was old enough to understand that I was adopted- and that made me "special" because they really wanted me. I think it all goes back to being adopted- because I internalized the abandonment. From the time I was 5, until I actually met my birth mother at the age of 25- I found myself in crowds searching faces wondering if one of those women I was passing by could have been my mother. It consumed me more than I realized looking back- I was always searching faces, looking for a resemblence. I always say the side "my mother didn't want me".

 

I met my bio-mom when I was 25, and we carried on a casual relationship with one another. She came to my wedding, we saw one another once or twice a year, kept in contact via e-mail here and there. One day about 4 years ago I was at the grocery store with a bf and she walked right past me with an older woman in the parking lot. She looked at me and pretended not to know me. I was confused, thought she didn't see me- so I ran back to say hello as she was grabbing a cart. She was panicked and said she was sorry to ignore me but she was with her step-mom who didn't know I existed, and couldn't tell her (she's only told her mother's side of the family- never her father who was already divorced from her mother when she got pregnant with me).

 

I felt abandoned all over again after that. The woman that gave birth to me pretending not to know me.

 

Maybe I will check out what you suggest as an alternative therapy route.

 

I do need to take a vacation, I have three weeks coming to me- just trying to find the right time is hard- there is so much to get done at work.

 

I'm going back to my Dr. Tuesday, so I can explore some options with her.

 

This had me tearing up.. I'm so sorry.. It's a shame she doesn't know you.. Her loss.

 

Work will be there when you're back. Start putting yourself first! Let someone else take over when you're away.. If thats possible someone can fill in..

[ClastyDay]

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[D-Lish]

it is hard to read that bio mom story. abandonment and rejection seem an issue... and may be best to run through it with a counselor... i could see the benefit for you if you get to the heart of those issues.

 

i have learned... that i took my experience as a child (good and bad) and essentially pick those same circumstances for myself as an adult - even though i knew it would make me unhappy - but mainly because it was familiar.

 

i was doing everything back wards. if i would have just made choices for complete contrary action from what i was taught, and learned, as a child - i would have done well with my choices.

 

i'm sorry for that experience with bio mom. now you know what NOT to expect from her = decency... now that you know - there's no reason to chase a woman who intends to ignore you to suit her own selfish needs/situations.

 

there ARE many who DO love you here d-lish... concentrate on those that do.

 

hugs and feel better

 

Thanks Sunny.

 

I think abandonment issues lead to rejection issues as an adult- that's what I've experienced. I take rejection really hard. I totally get your "familiar" thing, and making those kinds of choices.

[2sunny]

Thanks Sunny.

 

I think abandonment issues lead to rejection issues as an adult- that's what I've experienced. I take rejection really hard. I totally get your "familiar" thing, and making those kinds of choices.

 

can you begin to consider contrary action? it may get you the POSSIBILITY of a different result...

[D-Lish]

This had me tearing up.. I'm so sorry.. It's a shame she doesn't know you.. Her loss.

 

Work will be there when you're back. Start putting yourself first! Let someone else take over when you're away.. If thats possible someone can fill in..

 

We had a relationship for 10+ years- we maybe saw one another 10-15 times, and kept in touch on the phone and by e-mail.

 

I met her mother's side of the family for a couple of Christmas dinners- met some of my cousins as well. Her father never knew she had gotten pregnant, and he had been remarried back then- so she never told him or her step mother. That's why she hurried by me when she was with her step mother. Regardless of her motives, It just made me feel like a dirty little secret all over again. I completely cut her off after that- I haven't responded to her calls or emails in 4 years, and I don't think I ever will.

 

A vacation sounds nice. I have 3 days off this weekend (I'll get calls though)- it's never-ending. I think I'd be able to handle the stress of the job if my anxiety didn't cause me to ruminate so much!

[Mme. Chaucer]

I, too, really deeply understand. I wish I could offer cheer and hope, but I'm also in a difficult place with my brain, mood and emotions so I'm not very positive. Well, I can tell you that if you stick through the bad parts, you will come out the other side ... hopefully, with some new and better tools to manage your anxiety and depression.

 

You are now off meds? It isn't easy to accept that we might need them, but they are out there, and they really help many people.

 

Can you return to the combo that worked well for you in the past? Maybe only take the benzo when you are in panic attack mode, and keep the wellbutrin consistent?

 

I have been on an AD for 3 years and am now withdrawing from it, and I am extremely ... messed up. Now, I am learning that it's well known for terrible withdrawal symptoms. I can't tell if I am too emotionally whacked to even live on Earth, and that's just "me," or if I will stabilize sometime after detox.

 

It's so confusing, trying to navigate between living with the cards we've been dealt, and accepting certain kinds of help.

 

For me, this conflict has a different level, since I'm a recovering drug addict. Taking medication to make me "well" is a very ... discomfiting ... place for me to be, and I resist it a lot.

 

The drug I've been on did keep my darkest depression and anxiety successfully at bay. Unfortunately, it completely deadened any of my sensual responses. I am a writer and I was completely unmoved by ANYTHING - beauty, music, ideas, none of it gave me any kind of a rise at all. So, I stopped creating. I am trying to find my way back to that.

 

Anyway, D-lish. I can easily tell that you are a wonderful woman with a lot to offer and a lot of joy yet to experience in your life. Maybe you haven't even scratched the surface of that joy. You need to do what you must to be able to have that as a part of your everyday life ... and you CAN. XO

[2sunny]

i think a few days off would be great for you! since you have vacay time sitting there - can you take a few long weekends away in the next month or so? you earned it - and it may help get you feeling back in balance.

 

nature - do you enjoy nature? even hiking trips and enjoying the great outdoors... beach? what do you feel like doing/going?

[D-Lish]

I, too, really deeply understand. I wish I could offer cheer and hope, but I'm also in a difficult place with my brain, mood and emotions so I'm not very positive. Well, I can tell you that if you stick through the bad parts, you will come out the other side ... hopefully, with some new and better tools to manage your anxiety and depression.

 

You are now off meds? It isn't easy to accept that we might need them, but they are out there, and they really help many people.

 

Can you return to the combo that worked well for you in the past? Maybe only take the benzo when you are in panic attack mode, and keep the wellbutrin consistent?

 

I have been on an AD for 3 years and am now withdrawing from it, and I am extremely ... messed up. Now, I am learning that it's well known for terrible withdrawal symptoms. I can't tell if I am too emotionally whacked to even live on Earth, and that's just "me," or if I will stabilize sometime after detox.

 

It's so confusing, trying to navigate between living with the cards we've been dealt, and accepting certain kinds of help.

 

For me, this conflict has a different level, since I'm a recovering drug addict. Taking medication to make me "well" is a very ... discomfiting ... place for me to be, and I resist it a lot.

 

The drug I've been on did keep my darkest depression and anxiety successfully at bay. Unfortunately, it completely deadened any of my sensual responses. I am a writer and I was completely unmoved by ANYTHING - beauty, music, ideas, none of it gave me any kind of a rise at all. So, I stopped creating. I am trying to find my way back to that.

 

Anyway, D-lish. I can easily tell that you are a wonderful woman with a lot to offer and a lot of joy yet to experience in your life. Maybe you haven't even scratched the surface of that joy. You need to do what you must to be able to have that as a part of your everyday life ... and you CAN. XO

 

Thanks- and again, it's nice to hear that other people suffer from the same condition (well not "nice"- but comforting to know you're not alone:laugh:)

 

Maybe you could try a different cocktail of meds? I suffered through a few combinations before I found the right one. I was one one med that prevented me from orgasming, and that was TOUGH! It was great in every other way, but not being able to have an orgasm was unnaceptable:p.

 

When I see my Dr. on Tuesday, I am going to request the same cocktail as before- it worked, and I functioned like a regular person without side effects. the problem is that you have to try the meds on before hitting on the right combo.

[D-Lish]

i think a few days off would be great for you! since you have vacay time sitting there - can you take a few long weekends away in the next month or so? you earned it - and it may help get you feeling back in balance.

 

nature - do you enjoy nature? even hiking trips and enjoying the great outdoors... beach? what do you feel like doing/going?

 

Beach:) I might do that tomorrow for a few hours. I live close to one.

 

I have 3 weeks coming to me- I've been at my job for over a year, it's just a matter of finding the right time to take the vacay. Right now is our busiest time of the year, and some of our stores have lost managers, and there never seems to be the right time to request my vacay:(. I'm very dedicated, and I'd be the type of person to deny myself vacation if everything is not in order. Unfortunately, things are NEVER "in order" in my line of work, so there is never a good time.

[2sunny]

Beach:) I might do that tomorrow for a few hours. I live close to one.

 

I have 3 weeks coming to me- I've been at my job for over a year, it's just a matter of finding the right time to take the vacay. Right now is our busiest time of the year, and some of our stores have lost managers, and there never seems to be the right time to request my vacay:(. I'm very dedicated, and I'd be the type of person to deny myself vacation if everything is not in order. Unfortunately, things are NEVER "in order" in my line of work, so there is never a good time.

 

no time like the present.

 

no need to wait for anything to be perfect - you need to start taking care of you.

 

be good to yourself. you have the vacay time - so start taking it - they give it to you for a reason - it helps you to stay happier! to one person is meant to work all the time... and expecting things to be perfect before they leave... nothing will ever be perfect... that is just the way life is - so - go on.... go on vacay!

[betterdeal]

Phones break sometimes too. Like on long weekends. Or get left behind, at home, whilst you're on holiday, by mistake.

 

Just saying.

[HeavenOrHell]

So sorry to hear you suffering like this And very sorry to hear about your miscarriage and break up.

I suffer with GAD too, have done since I was tiny, so I totally know where you're coming from, people who don't have it just don't get how debilitating it can be.

Do you have help for it other than meds?

I have horrible bouts of insomnia, I can't function without sleeping tablets, although got reliant on them so have cut down.

My health has been screwed for years because of stress, I've been mostly trying to tackle it myself, got very little help through my doctor, I have started to pay for therapy now though. I'm in my 40's.

I'm even stressing about my partner staying (LDR), he's coming later, cos I don't feel strong emotionally or physically, sometimes I feel I'm not gf material, as my anxieties/depression are a lot to deal with. Why can't I just relax and enjoy my time with him, it's like I just can't let myself be happy.

I often stress about stressing I have to look at the humour in it sometimes, which does help and give myself a good talking to,

Anyway, I do understand totally and my heart goes out to you, feel free to PM any time.

It sounds like you really need to grieve about the miscarriage, is there anyone there who could support you with this? Or at the very least a website where you could talk to women who have suffered the same?

I find it hard to ask for help too, we all need help sometimes though, we're only human

 

(((((((hugs))))))))

 

These last 5 months are really catching up to me. I've been cyclical with depression since I was a teenager. The anxiety I've had since I was a child. It's the anxiety that is so hard to deal with. People that don't have anxiety, don't understand how crazy it can be at times. I sometimes wonder how I function given the level of panic I live with.

 

I have General Anxiety Disorder. The only way to explain it is to liken it to this: You know that feeling of being startled? Something jumps out at you, there is a scary moment in a movie you weren't expecting... Your heart jumps into your throat, your heart beats so loud, it echo's in your ear drums, your hair stands on end, butterflies in the stomach... Your body goes into panic mode for a few seconds before slowly returning to normal. For me, my body is ALWAYS in that moment. My body feels like an engine on constant panic overdrive and it's so exhausting. It's accompanied by constant worrying/ruminating. Basically my brain and body never shut off. To top it off, I have insomnia. Imagine trying to fall asleep when your body is constantly in that "fight or flight" mode and you can't stop thinking.

 

I will often collapse from exhaustion most nights, only to wake up after a couple hours of sleep with my heart beating like it's going to come out of my chest. My sleeping pill prescription just doesn't work anymore and I'm at the maximum dosage.

 

Combining the anxiety with not being able to sleep is probably making my depression a lot worse. I just stayed in and wept most of the day today. I feel like the last 5 months has just caught up with me and I've hit my breaking point. I'm just so exhausted.

 

This has happened in the past, it's a cycle for me. It's also a cycle for me to go on meds, feel better, and go off of the meds because I convince myself I don't need them anymore.

 

These last 5 months have been really hard. The miscarriage, then the break up- not to mention my job is an endless source of stress. I can't even have a true day off - I am fielding an average of 5 calls from work on a day off because I always need to be available everyday when the stores are open. I've been holding things together as best as I can, presenting in public like a normal trouble free person.

 

The last couple of days I have just started breaking down. I've just been privately weeping whenever I can find a moment to be alone.

 

My depression is often situational. Always triggered by a traumatic event. In my case, it's the miscarriage and getting dumped right after. I don't really talk a lot about my own issues in real life to people. I feel like everyone needs me, and I have to play that role. That's why I feel okay about posting here- but also feeling guilty about asking for help (I always do when I ask for help here).

 

I feel like an Alien trying to explain anxiety and how debilitating it can be.

Does anyone else feel this level of anxiety?

[D-Lish]

So sorry to hear you suffering like this And very sorry to hear about your miscarriage and break up.

I suffer with GAD too, have done since I was tiny, so I totally know where you're coming from, people who don't have it just don't get how debilitating it can be.

Do you have help for it other than meds?

I have horrible bouts of insomnia, I can't function without sleeping tablets, although got reliant on them so have cut down.

My health has been screwed for years because of stress, I've been mostly trying to tackle it myself, got very little help through my doctor, I have started to pay for therapy now though. I'm in my 40's.

I'm even stressing about my partner staying (LDR), he's coming later, cos I don't feel strong emotionally or physically, sometimes I feel I'm not gf material, as my anxieties/depression are a lot to deal with. Why can't I just relax and enjoy my time with him, it's like I just can't let myself be happy.

I often stress about stressing I have to look at the humour in it sometimes, which does help and give myself a good talking to,

Anyway, I do understand totally and my heart goes out to you, feel free to PM any time.

It sounds like you really need to grieve about the miscarriage, is there anyone there who could support you with this? Or at the very least a website where you could talk to women who have suffered the same?

I find it hard to ask for help too, we all need help sometimes though, we're only human

 

(((((((hugs))))))))

 

I relate- especially to the lack of sleep!

 

I used to be able to manage my anxiety in a better way before the insomnia hit in the last 6 years. Not being able to sleep just makes the anxiety 10 times worse!

 

I feel like I am better with the miscarriage- it's been 4 months. What haunts me more is that he left me 3 weeks after such a painful situation. When I was pregnant, my hormones were pretty intense. I've never experienced anything like it before. Of course I was moody, emotional- scared, insecure.... But what haunts me is that he saw me in my weakest moment and chose to reject me because of that.

 

Rejection always sends me into a tail spin.

[betterdeal]

Maybe that's his way of dealing with his own emotional pain, and has nothing to do with you or his relationship with you, per se? Obviously it's quite a destructive coping mechanism, but better such a major flaw is tested before you have a child than after, I think.

[D-Lish]

Maybe that's his way of dealing with his own emotional pain, and has nothing to do with you or his relationship with you, per se? Obviously it's quite a destructive coping mechanism, but better such a major flaw is tested before you have a child than after, I think.

 

I don't think he was ever in pain over anything. He was in tears when he broke up with me- but I think that's because he felt sorry for me and didn't want to hurt me.

 

This is a guy that told me he stayed in one relationship after another where he was mistreated, cheated on, physically abused.... And all those women left HIM. I am actually the only woman he's ever broken up with in his 36 years of being on this earth. He was crazy head over heels in love with me for the first few months, then I got pregnant and became needy, emotional, etc... But I never came close to being as crazy as some of the stories he told me about his ex's that he stayed with FOR YEARS. That haunts me to my core. He endured bad relationships far worse than anything I ever threw at him- yet I am the first woman he has ever dumped. How can that not make you feel like crap about yourself?

 

He's had ex's that flew into rages and choked him- threw pots and pans at him... Another ex that he caught cheating multiple times..But he stayed with these women, and they were the ones that ended up leaving him. I lasted 6 months with him, I found out I was pregnant 3 months in and I have to admit I became emotional sometimes. But nothing crazy or anything.

 

3 Weeks after I miscarried he dumped me, said things happened too fast, and didn't think we were right for one another. I don't know how to get over something like that. When I know someone put up with hell in the past, and willingly endured it- but couldn't stand beside me during a pregnancy and miscarriage- I HAVE to believe something must be really bad about me.

 

That's something that I have not been able to stop ruminating over.