I am slipping backwards....

[kkat]

I'm having a really hard time and feel I am slipping backwards.

 

Although it's been eight weeks since I've seen the MM, I have continued to have phone contact with him.

 

I first cut off seeing him a few days before he went on his vacation with his family including his wife. At that point, the pain had become overwhelming and I just didn't want to see him.

 

For the first two weeks, I didn't talk to him as he was on aforementioned vacation with his family and wife and I was traveling.

 

Then for the next two weeks we talked for hours a day about trying to find some solution to make things work from his side and mine. I decided nothing was workable or realistic and said I was ending things. During those two weeks he tried to see me but I didn't agree to.

 

Then, we went for eight days with no contact. I broke down and called him and then the phone calls started again.

 

Since then, we've been talking almost everyday, sometimes a few times a day. Conversations ranged from re-hashing our situation endlessly, to fights, to supporting each other on various other issues in our lives, to chit-chat. During these three weeks or so he has mentioned wanting to make plans to get together in the future but honestly, he hasn't been trying to get together.

 

He last called me on Friday. It's Tuesday now and having not heard from him I just broke down and left him a message. I know from Saturday on he was with his family - and I wasn't surprised I didn't hear from him. But I don't know what I am doing. I feel really afraid and that I have seriously gone backwards, and that now I am almost desparately trying to get things going with him again.

 

I would appreciate any advice. I am not happy with myself and feel like I am in dangerous territory. Help!

[Arabess]

It's almost impossible to walk away from the person you most love while they are still declaring you are the person THEY most love. Don't beat yourself up over that one! Unless someone has been in your position, it's easy to make a judgement call without seeing the emotional connection.

 

I think I found the greatest amount of strength...not by thinking he didn't love me.....but by realizing he didn't love me ENOUGH. 'Enough' indicating respect, care, being honest with his family, telling his wife who he was separated from about us......in short.....putting actions to his promises.

 

There may very well be excellent reasons why a man loves another woman, but feels compelled to stay in his marriage...even if just legally. What it is ultimately saying though is.....he doesn't love the other woman ENOUGH to make the changes.

 

If someone doesn't love you ENOUGH....why stay in the relationship? 50% - 75%- hell 99% isn't good enough. Either someone loves you 100% or you are wasting your time. I can at least say my situation did not even include him living in the same part of the country as his legal wife.....but if a guy is living with his wife and playing 'husband'....how LAME is that? What can he possibly say in defense of himself?

 

This is 2004....people get divorced DAILY. If he can't face the process....then what's the point? You know by now he isn't leaving. It's a pipe dream gone to hell and back. It's just hard to beak off from someone you love.

 

In the back of your mind though.....just remember he doesn't love you ENOUGH to be with you. Somewhere in that realization, you'll find the strength to walk away.

[justcallmesnug]

I have been with this married man for 3 years as of 4/10/04. After reading these posts, I have learned a lot. I believe everything he says about his home life. I believe his wife is a horror, as I know someone who knows her. He has young children, and he does not want to break up "the family". Okay. I believe it all. He loves me, and he made a big mistake before I ever knew him. I am terrific, and I could not be a better gal. He will not meet a better gal.

 

The bottom line is he is not leaving these people, these kids, this woman. It is not my responsibility to figure out why he made the mistakes he made or why he is too afraid to say anything. I know he does not want to be away from his children, due to a prior error with his first wife. Okay. I am so sad that I have become ill.

 

I agree with all the comments I've read out here. I have to be number one, and I am not right now. I can not take this anymore. I told him my issues and what I needed to happen in order to continue, and the things I mentioned are not being done. Need I say more? I can not handle this, and I am done!

 

I think he should have said something by now, as these two have had no relations in over 40 months, and yes, I believe it. He told her last year that he was kissing me, and she said she could get something else going for herself too. Okay, so why was nothing else ever said?

 

This is not a good man, and I have to realize that anyone who could carry on a scam like this is not a good man. I wish I never ever got involved. Thanks out here for all of your comments.

[Beach Gurl]

In the back of your mind though.....just remember he doesn't love you ENOUGH to be with you. Somewhere in that realization, you'll find the strength to walk away.

 

Arabess ... you are amazing, I can always count on you for a reality check!

 

KKat ... I CAN imagine the pain you must be going through. Without stating the obvious, going away on holiday has to be THE hardest part for me to deal with. All the stuff that goes along with holidays. I dont know how you cope.

 

Hang in there!

[meanon]

This level of contact is making the addiction worse, kkat. You feel you are slipping backwards because when he doesn't contact you all those awful feelings come flooding back.

 

You are not in the same position as you were then. Don't panic. You need to limit the contact again - regain some control over the way you are feeling. If you can stop it all together then you will be able to get on with your life so much quicker. If not you need to make sure you determine how often the contact takes place. Don't allow the situation to spiral out of control again.

 

You've done it before and you can do it again, kkat

[kkat]

Thanks Meanon. Much appreciation.

I started again this weekend with the one-day-at-a-time approach to breaking the addiction and the cycle of contact with him. I have learned through my reading and experience that even negative contact with him, in my state, feeds my need to be in contact with him, and just fuels the vicious and painful cycle. So, I'm back to square one, trying harder...

Crazy sidebar - he is going through a difficult time caretaking (his thing by the way is that he is a caretaker of the needy) an eldery friend who is dying. And I have allowed myself to be manipulated into feeling GUILTY for not being supportive of MM in his difficult time. I literally forgot for a few days about my own terminally ill father, my own business difficulties, my own pain from the abandonment and lies of MM and felt so bad for him, so guilty for not feeling bad enough! This was my cue that I can't have contact with him. Gosh I am a nut.

[meanon]

Lol - kkat the nut . You are so sensible but you are right, love does make us behave in irrational ways and the more noble and true the love, the less self interest comes into it. Think of it in it's purest form - love of a child.

His love is not as noble as yours, kkat.

 

I'm glad the plan is back on track and that you are in the driving seat again. It may feel like square one but you will find it quicker, this time around.