Still struggling

[Cassandra92]

It's been a while since I've posted here. My ex and I have been on and off all year, although this has mostly consisted of an email and phone relationship when we are 'on' because I study in a different city. Recently after a period of no contact he emailed me saying how sorry he was for everything, and that he wanted to see me when I came home. We spent some time together and he said all of these grand things to me about how he loved me so much and he was done with all the drama and he wanted to be long distance and he was going to move to my city next year and wanted us to live together... and I ate it all up. After all of the times he had hurt me in previous months, I believed what he said because I thought he couldn't possibly hurt me again. I had the option of turning him down and just moving on with my life, because I had been doing better, and I didn't. I loved him so much I couldn't say no.

 

A couple of months later and everything has gone to ruins again. I had been having a few doubts about us being back together, but I thought they would just go away with time. He didn't even give me a chance. He told me that things weren't going how he thought they would and that he was 'out'. I thought I was okay with it because if I had been having doubts, maybe that was my intuition telling me that it wasn't right. But now I am home again and surrounded by all the memories of us, and I am really struggling again. I'm dreaming about him again, everything reminds me of him, and it's like the wound has opened up again. He said that we would always be close and be friends, but that it just wasn't meant to be. About a week ago I was feeling confrontational, I messaged him and when he was less than friendly I accused him of only wanting me in his life when he needed support from me. He hasn't spoken to me since, but today he deleted me as a friend from a social website we both use. This indicates to me that he has no intention of being friends with me, although I don't know why the hell I would still want to be his friend after all of this. The thought of never speaking to him or seeing him again leaves me feeling completely lost, scared, and devastated.

 

I feel so gullible. I had a chance to move on but when he came asking for a fifth chance, I gave it to him. I feel stupid and naive, and my self-esteem has plummeted. I know he is actually doing me a favour by not speaking to me, but it is taking a lot of strength to stop from sending him angry messages. The only thing that deters me is that I don't want to give him a chance to say more hurtful things to me. He was my first love, my first everything and I depended on him so much. Life without him looks bleak and I don't know how I am ever going to move past this.

[coltsfan1]

you will move past it... trust me, i haven't spoken to my ex since last year. I miss her everyday & she treated me like crap, but i keep plugging along! you have to just take time, sounds cliche but it will help.

[kittycat95]

girl, i feel your pain! You can read my story under my recent posts. It's really similar to what you're going through. *hug* you're not alone in this.

[calndn]

Very similar situation to me. My ex moved to my hometown 200 miles for me but we just started getting in eachothers hair (dont know why as we practically spent weeks on end with eachother before) but we did and we kept splitting and getting back and again and again. We got back end of summer and it was great, better than ever then wham out of nowhere he starting acting different and then said it wasnt what he wanted. It sucked. I was devastated. But 8 months later and im feeling ok now, he came back again beginning of the year, although we didnt go out together again I let him back in my life, we saw eachother slept together again and then he just dropped me after a few months again. I then became so depressed I had suicidal thoughts, that was 3 months ago and I cant tell you how much better I am, yes I think about him every day without fail but not in the same way as I did before. The feelings arent there much anymore and the memories are quite hazy, it also feels like we never went out its odd. I still have bad moments (but I dont have bad days anymore or weeks like months ago) its just bad moments. It will get better. If you want to chat to me let me know ill send you my email address? I think its good to get it off your chest to someone unknown. it will get better trust me. xx

[Cassandra92]

Very similar situation to me. My ex moved to my hometown 200 miles for me but we just started getting in eachothers hair (dont know why as we practically spent weeks on end with eachother before) but we did and we kept splitting and getting back and again and again. We got back end of summer and it was great, better than ever then wham out of nowhere he starting acting different and then said it wasnt what he wanted.

 

When I thought about him moving to be with me, my first reaction was not happiness or excitement, but doubt. I could not see it going smoothly, and that probably speaks volumes. We were only just back on good terms and already I felt like he was trying to push me into all these big commitments, and probably for his own benefit. When I told him I was still trying to forget and move on from what had happened previously, he got exasperated and upset with me, like his apology should just be enough. Something funny happened though, a few weeks ago I read my horoscope in the paper and it said "Be aware of somebody close to you taking advantage of your generosity". I ignored the warning but I kept thinking about it afterwards. Whether or not this 'taking advantage' was subconscious on his behalf I don't know, but it spooked me.

 

I have also felt, for lack of a better word, suicidal. Although I think less about taking my own life and more about what it would be like to just not exist, and how it would impact him if I were to die. I don't want to take my own life, but I realise these thoughts are not healthy and I plan to discuss them with a counsellor I am seeing next week.

Edited June 28, 2011 by Cassandra92

[calndn]

When I thought about him moving to be with me, my first reaction was not happiness or excitement, but doubt. I could not see it going smoothly, and that probably speaks volumes. We were only just back on good terms and already I felt like he was trying to push me into all these big commitments, and probably for his own benefit. When I told him I was still trying to forget and move on from what had happened previously, he got exasperated and upset with me, like his apology should just be enough. Something funny happened though, a few weeks ago I read my horoscope in the paper and it said "Be aware of somebody close to you taking advantage of your generosity". I ignored the warning but I kept thinking about it afterwards. Whether or not this 'taking advantage' was subconscious on his behalf I don't know, but it spooked me.

 

I have also felt, for lack of a better word, suicidal. Although I think less about taking my own life and more about what it would be like to just not exist, and how it would impact him if I were to die. I don't want to take my own life, but I realise these thoughts are not healthy and I plan to discuss them with a counsellor I am seeing next week.

 

You felt exactly the same as me....before my ex moved down I felt almost dread...like I didnt think it was the right thing to do and exactly like you I thought he was pushing me into commitments I wasnt ready for he wanted to move in together I said no he got upset. Im so glad I never did. I think would it have made a difference if I had have moved in with him? But I cant think that I just think what happened would have happened if I lived with him or not as we practically lived with eachother anyway. He stayed at mine all the time.

 

And again...yes more feelings of what it would be like not to exist, sometimes ive felt like I see no point in carrying on because I was so miserable...so whats the point in being miserable? I am so much better after seeing a counsellor, I still see her. Its hard but I dont have as many bad days, however today has been a bad one, first time in a long time.

 

I just cant stop thinking about how much my ex changed and I will never understand...it annoys me xxx

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