I want to understand the damage

[greenz]

First of all, I want to thank everyone for all the other posts in threads that dealt with similar situations to mine and that I have found very insightful. I guess this has inspired me to seek some guidance as well even though I can already anticipate some of the answers.

 

Last fall I moved to a new location to go back to school - medical school. At the start of the year I met a girl and we hit it off almost immediately as friends. I'm 30 and she's in her late 20s. She is living with her boyfriend of 6 years, but they are neither married or engaged. We were around each other a lot and interacted very well. We have an almost identical sense of humor and the same perspective on life and people. After about a month I realized that I had feelings for her. The feelings were more intense than I ever had for anyone and it wasn't even a physical attraction. It was mental primarily. I couldn't sleep and I started having trouble being around her. I started avoiding her at times because I didn't want to get involved knowing that she was in a serious relationship. Soon I started noticing that she was doing the same. On a good day we would get along real well and on bad days it was almost as if though we couldn't talk to each other. I began to realize that she might be feeling the same.

 

Over winter break I decided that I enjoyed her company so much I was just going to try and be friends with her and when we saw each other again in January it was as if she had decided to do the same because all of a sudden we were around each other constantly and just being the best of friends. We sat next to each other in every class, we would go to lunches together and study together. I still had very strong feelings for her, but I was managing them. We learned a ton about each other. It is almost as if we are the same person, just male and female versions. The things we laugh at, our life stories, little quirky behavior traits, our way of thinking (a little OCD), using humor as a defense mechanism and many more things - all were so similar or complementary and in a really cute way. Our relationship best compares to Jim and Pam in the Office. It just clicks in every way. I know, I know, very cliche. Please don't mock, I'm just trying to paint a picture. But of course, Pam had a Roy. This girl never confided in me about her Roy, but I soon started hearing things from our mutual friends that her boyfriend was basically a mess. Additionally, she started giving me more and more signals that she was interested.

 

In April, after all the interaction, the texting and facebook messages, the feelings we had for each other became too strong and in a tense moment she told me she was attracted to me. I told her the same. When we finally started talking we both realized we had been going through identical emotions and have constantly both been thinking of each other. We both agreed not to cross any lines (of course emotionally we had), but we wanted to discuss the situation more so we knew where we stood. Here's where things started getting tricky and the difficult history started coming out. Shortly before she met her current boyfriend, she was in a great relationship in college with a guy she thought she was going to marry. Just before finishing school she discovered that he had cheated on her, repeatedly with many different girls. We're talking double digits. Even her friends knew and never told her. She was so devastated she didn't know what to do with herself. She had such low self-esteem she even tried to still make him jealous and did all kinds of self-destructive things. A couple months later she started working where she met her current boyfriend. She was miserable and he was in a miserable marriage. She knew it was wrong, but was so devastated that within a couple of months she started having an affair with him. She said that she felt so bad at the time she didn't care whom she hurt. Within a year the guy left his wife for her. She claims that all along she tried to keep him back, but that she was admittedly very weak and he was very imposing. After a while she just gave up. According to her, in the six years she has never been happy and never been in love with him, but she has felt so much guilt that she has stayed as long as he still wanted her. In those six years the days that she has spent with me have been the only real happiness she has had. He has always bullied her, given her ultimatums to move in or the relationship would be over. According to her they are completely incompatible and the thing has been a disaster right from the start. Every year they almost break up, but then don't.

 

Currently, he hasn't had a job in over 2 years. He doesn't shower and doesn't brush his teeth for days. He is very controlling. Checks the phone records and her computer and makes her feel guilty for everything. He is unhappy about everything. She has confessed to things that she has done herself that have not been great. There is just a ton of dysfunction. She says that she wouldn't marry him, that they are basically staying together out of guilt and fear. They don't communicate, no sex for months, separate rooms, etc. When she was moving for medical school she was hoping that he wouldn't follow, but was unable to break up and has been beating herself up for it.

 

She told me she didn't want to just jump into a relationship with me. She has told me that she hates him and that she is not in love with him, but she has also said that she loves him and doesn't want to hurt him. Because of her history and instability she just doesn't know how to leave and be without him and she also believes that she deserves to be unhappy for what she did when he left his wife, but she also realizes that it is a completely self-destructive path that she is on.

 

We continued to talk a lot. I didn't push, I was just supportive and understanding. Of course the feelings between us grew even more and she was starting to feel like she should leave him. We never did cross any lines physically although we both wanted to badly. The attraction became overwhelming in every way and felt like being in love. She started to believe she could be happy, but she was also scared of it. At times she would tell me that I should consider other options and that she would be bad for me. At other times she believed everything would be great. She didn't know how to handle the break-up and because he has always been so difficult for her to handle, she really didn't know how it would go. She told me she wanted to be with me and she started to look for apartments. I wasn't the only one that knew about the break up. Our mutual friends, whom she confided in as well about how bad things are also knew that she was going to do it.

 

In mid-May classes ended. We stopped communicating for a few days, but soon she contacted me. She told me that her boyfriend went through her computer and found an email that she sent out about an apartment a few weeks earlier. Of course that led to a talk that didn't change anything. We talked a lot and I tried to give her some support. I did push her a little and she seemed to have some more courage. She really sounded great and things between us were good. We stopped communicating again. Suddenly she contacted me from her work email. She just said that she and her boyfriend are going to try and work things out and that he later found a conversation on her computer between her and I and that we probably won't be able to talk for a while. She wasn't using her home computer since he made her give him access to FB and other accounts. When I wanted to know more she told me that she tried to break up with him. She didn't think he would care, but he did and he promised to fix everything and she thought he deserves a chance. She was really sorry about everything and that everything was her fault and that our EA was wrong and that he knows about me and her feelings for me and we cannot be in contact anymore. I got somewhat upset as I felt betrayed and felt like she was allowing him to control her again, but eventually I told her that I understood and I wouldn't interfere anymore. That was about 3 weeks ago and we haven't spoken since.

 

In a way I feel good about the way things happened because this is the right way to go about it. I'm feeling OK and I don't plan on contacting her, but the truth is I feel bad for her. I still think about her a lot and I have truly fallen for her. I realize she made a choice and I'm out of the picture and I'm trying to adjust to that. Logically I realize she will probably stay with him despite or maybe as a result of all of the dysfunction in the relationship. In my gut, however I am hanging on to some hope. They are not married and aren't even engaged and she claims she has never even considered marriage a possibility. I feel that a relationship like that with the origins that it had can't possibly last. And as much as I understand and see how I fell into the roller coaster ride, I still am hanging on to it and going over it in my head and I want to stop.

 

I know I need to concentrate on myself, but since it is summer and I have more free time, my thoughts tend to wander. I get that I should probably move on, but the truth is that everything about our relationship felt "good." We were trying to go about things the right way. We didn't get involved in any affair drama. We were both very honest about our feelings, good or bad. It wasn't just that he's a terrible person and she's an angel. I felt like she was trying to change her life and admit to things she had been hiding for years. Now I feel like she will just retreat. Maybe that is what she wanted all along. Maybe she was scared of her feelings for me and because she had experienced so much pain once before she was afraid of what it might lead to. I got that feeling sometimes. At one point she told me that she had basically shut off after she was cheated on and that she never expected to feel for someone that way again.

 

What I'm looking for is some reasons why I should move on. I really feel like she is a great person and that we could be amazing together, but I don't want to hang on to false hopes. I feel like I gathered some of those insights in other threads already. What I'm also looking for is some way to understand what is going on here. How much of an effect having been cheated on has had on her? The effect that breaking up a marriage has on a person and on her possibly. Is she staying in the relationship because she cannot stand up for herself or because she really wants to fix things? Was I just used as a way to get her boyfriends attention? What kind of dysfunctional or codependency issues are going on in here? She isn't married, but she acts like she is. I believe that she is an honest and very sensitive person that has done some thoughtless things to get her on this bad path. What can I expect when I start seeing her in class every day in 2 months? I want to move on completely, but a part of me feels like I won't be able to until I do see her again and get a feel for how things really are. I know to stay away, but I'm looking for some other insights that could help me shed some light on this situation. I want to understand things better so that I can stop hoping and worrying foolishly and just work on myself.

Edited June 27, 2011 by greenz

[whichwayisup]

Whatever her reasons are for not ending it obviously are strong enough to make her stay. She's had plenty of opportunities to end it and hasn't. Sorry to say this but I think she's greatly exaggerated her home life with her boyfriend. If things were truly that bad, she would have found a way out. Anyway, as I said, she has her reasons why she is staying....

 

Which means, she isn't going to be yours.

 

You have to let go of any hope and wishes that you two will be together, that she'll choose you over him.

 

Don't rely on her for your closure, make it happen on your own. Accept that things just didn't work out and life goes on.

 

Start dating others and keep busy, go out with friends. Don't let your mind wander and reminise about her. Doing that only keeps the feelings alive and fresh. As soon as thoughts of her come into your mind, push them away and do something to distract yourself.

[RepairMinded]

I realize she made a choice and I'm out of the picture and I'm trying to adjust to that.

You just dodged a huge bullet.

 

If you have time for a relationship in medical school, go out and find a girl who's not a cheater/drama queen.

 

Doctors need a woman who isn't going to have a hissy fit, and go out and cheat on you, just because you can't devote all your attention to them.

[RepairMinded]

Also the reason it didn't go any further is she's just not that into you. You served the function as sort of an emotional sop or human Kleenex for her. Most assuredly if she was strongly sexually attracted to you she would have no problem f*cking you.

[greenz]

Thanks. It's starting to look that way more and more and I'm glad I'm able to form a more complete picture of the entire situation. I think she made advances and it could have gotten physical, but I know that's not who I wanted to be and I drew a pretty clear line in my head that I wasn't going to f*ck around even though I wanted to. RepairMinded you are right. Next time that could have been me with her and she could have been seeking attention elsewhere when things aren't great and maybe that guy wouldn't have hesitated at all. I think I have a good head on my shoulders and I think I was always skeptical about the whole thing, it just started to get more difficult to see all of the truth once it started getting intense. This is really helpful.

[fooled once]

Whatever her reasons are for not ending it obviously are strong enough to make her stay. She's had plenty of opportunities to end it and hasn't. Sorry to say this but I think she's greatly exaggerated her home life with her boyfriend. If things were truly that bad, she would have found a way out. Anyway, as I said, she has her reasons why she is staying....

 

Which means, she isn't going to be yours.

 

You have to let go of any hope and wishes that you two will be together, that she'll choose you over him.

 

Don't rely on her for your closure, make it happen on your own. Accept that things just didn't work out and life goes on.

 

Start dating others and keep busy, go out with friends. Don't let your mind wander and reminise about her. Doing that only keeps the feelings alive and fresh. As soon as thoughts of her come into your mind, push them away and do something to distract yourself.

 

Ditto.

 

You should move on because this is a dead end affair. She has made her choice. I don't buy she doesn't love him, she doesn't like him, she doesn't have sex with him, blah blah. She used you for an ego feed; you made her feel good.

 

I swear I get so frustrated when people talk about how much they LOVE each other; yet the person is going to work on the relationship, marriage, whatever. LOVE is wanting to be with the person you love, love is needing to be with the person you love. Love isn't "i'm going to give it another shot with my partner".

 

She is a coward. She is a user. I know you don't like hearing these things; but they are fact. It is good riddance to her; because now you can move on and get on with your life instead of waiting for a call/text/email from her. I really hope you DO move on and not cling to 'hope'. If she loved you enough, she would be with you. If she one day decides to end the relationship, she will find you. But for now, she has made her choice. Accept it, grieve the ending, but put a period and move forward.

[Tenacity]

Ditto.

 

If she loved you enough, she would be with you. If she one day decides to end the relationship, she will find you. But for now, she has made her choice. Accept it, grieve the ending, but put a period and move forward.

 

Great advice Fooled Once. As usual.

 

I read your thread earlier today, OP. Nothing about this is easy.

 

You two are obviously highly intelligent, thus the med school (which I went through also, although I am in my early 40's; I am an MD). What your AP says does not resonate to truth. I believe that her relationship with her live-in boyfriend is not as bad as you have been made out to hear. No one that intelligent and independent would put up with such a relationship for years on end and not find a way out.

 

I am sorry for what you are going through, but I hope you do not respond to this woman when she again contacts you, whether it be this summer or in the fall when you are sitting in classes.

[greenz]

Ditto.

 

You should move on because this is a dead end affair. She has made her choice. I don't buy she doesn't love him, she doesn't like him, she doesn't have sex with him, blah blah. She used you for an ego feed; you made her feel good.

 

I swear I get so frustrated when people talk about how much they LOVE each other; yet the person is going to work on the relationship, marriage, whatever. LOVE is wanting to be with the person you love, love is needing to be with the person you love. Love isn't "i'm going to give it another shot with my partner".

 

She is a coward. She is a user. I know you don't like hearing these things; but they are fact. It is good riddance to her; because now you can move on and get on with your life instead of waiting for a call/text/email from her. I really hope you DO move on and not cling to 'hope'. If she loved you enough, she would be with you. If she one day decides to end the relationship, she will find you. But for now, she has made her choice. Accept it, grieve the ending, but put a period and move forward.

 

Actually, I do like hearing these things. Like I said, I was skeptical right from the start and made sure to not cross certain lines since I am smart enough to know not to get involved that way. I never have before. And still I obviously proved to be human and showed some weakness and who knows what would have happened with more time. I saw some of these signs along the way, especially in the beginning, but it became tougher to see as I went along. Now going back and thinking about those bad parts really helps flesh out the deception and the inconsistencies. I am definitely not sitting around anymore waiting or hoping before the next semester.

 

I am sorry for what you are going through, but I hope you do not respond to this woman when she again contacts you, whether it be this summer or in the fall when you are sitting in classes.

 

She hasn't contacted me in almost four weeks and I'm pretty sure that means she's quite content with her bf. I don't plan on having any contact with her anymore unless she is actually single and even then I might reconsider given how this panned out.

 

As I wrote out the whole story I could already tell that I was being used as an ego boost of sorts and I could already anticipate some of the answers I would get, but I wanted to see them anyway for further reinforcement. I guess that's why it's good to write things out. It's also better to hear some of it told to you a bit more blatantly than some of your family or friends will tell you. So thanks for that.