I still love my ex more than ever, but he doesn't love me. Why can't I accept this?

[RuinedLife]

Every night I have incredibly vivid dreams about my ex, then I wake up in a panic, and proceed to think about him all day no matter what I'm doing. Some mornings I wake up and think if only I saw him again he'd realize how much he loves me and want me back. Some moments I think if only I were to apologize again sincerely for everything I did to cause the break up he'd forgive me and give me another chance. And some times I'm really delusional and find it hard to even accept that any kind of break up has happened.

 

But whatever state my mind is in, delusional or more despairingly accepting, one thing is a constant and that is how much I love my ex.

 

And I don't know how to change this.

 

I guess just takes time or a replacement love interest. Or extraordinary mind disciple where I immediately strike each and every thought of my ex from my mind. But I've tried. Well the second one at least and I simply cannot do it. Because no matter what else I'm focusing on my ex is there too and its driving me crazy.

 

I suppose there aren't really any other suggestions that people can make at the point. So this is really just a rant. But would appreciate any insights from people who have had similar experiences where they just can't stop loving their ex or had moments of delusion where they believed all was ok again and how you coped with this? Maybe some of you incorporated your love for your ex into an unrequited imagination based love? I suppose thats what I will end up doing.

 

In addition I still can't seem to forgive myself for all the mistakes I made during the relationship and for causing the break up. So my ability to love myself at the moment is still incredibly hindered by that. I just don't know what to do really. I'm starting CBT today though. So hopefully that'll help.

Edited June 27, 2011 by RuinedLife

[ShatteredDreams]

You sound just like me. I stopped therapy a few weeks ago, and got off anti-depressants because they made me more suicidal....after attempting 4 times, and coming very close to death. I don't believe in God but if I did, I would believe I'm still around for a purpose.

 

I'm in month 4 of NC and it hasn't been much easier. It did however get a little better, all the dreams and memories, they make you feel like crap. You wake up in the morning and you feel dead and empty inside, your heart is in your stomach, but it's going to be okay.

 

At the moment it hurts, and it will hurt really bad. But one thing I've always seen with everyone around me who have been through similar things, and in some cases much worse, they eventually find the right person and all the pain and suffering of the previous boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/fiance, just goes away, and you end up thanking them for letting you go because now you found THE ONE....the one that will love you no matter what, and will never stop loving you, and will never hurt you.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

your love for one person is like an addiction. in order to "fix" that addiction you need to put something else in it's place. even with people you don't need to replace them with other people (dating another person), you can simply pick up new hobbies, hang out with friends, meet new people, work on some goal in your life, go back to school, work on old hobbies... ect...

 

 

think of it like this...

 

when someone quits smoking they usually chew gum, suck on a lolipop, eat junk food, or even go for a walk when they have a craving. they do this not only to take their mind off of the cigarette but to replace that addiction with a healthy activity.

[RuinedLife]

You sound just like me. I stopped therapy a few weeks ago, and got off anti-depressants because they made me more suicidal....after attempting 4 times, and coming very close to death. I don't believe in God but if I did, I would believe I'm still around for a purpose.

 

Sorry to hear you've been through such despairing too. Its horrible. I haven't attempted suicide or anything (hopefully I won't) but I've felt suicidal nearly all the time and I've come very close to swallowing more pills than I should just to get rid of the pain. I even did something I'm really not proud of yesterday. I took a sleeping tablet during the day just so I could get rid of the pain. Didn't work though really, because I couldn't sleep anymore.

 

I'm in month 4 of NC and it hasn't been much easier. It did however get a little better, all the dreams and memories, they make you feel like crap. You wake up in the morning and you feel dead and empty inside, your heart is in your stomach, but it's going to be okay.

 

Yes I hate that dead and empty feeling. And that constant heartache for someone whom you love so much, with such a passion, but who no longer loves you.

 

At the moment it hurts, and it will hurt really bad. But one thing I've always seen with everyone around me who have been through similar things, and in some cases much worse, they eventually find the right person and all the pain and suffering of the previous boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/fiance, just goes away, and you end up thanking them for letting you go because now you found THE ONE....the one that will love you no matter what, and will never stop loving you, and will never hurt you.

 

I really hope thats true. Although, I'm starting to think I'm better off alone and not in a relationship, because I have a tendency towards co-dependency which can be quite destructive. But maybe therapy will help me deal with all these issues I have so that I can slowly start to move on from this relationship and have healthier and happier relationships in the future.

 

I think a big problem I have is accepting that me and my ex aren't compatible. As I love him so much, we were best friends, had nearly everything in common, had so much chemistry, connected so naturally, had similar life dreams and he said he loved me too more than anyone else he'd ever met once. So just erasing all that from my mind and telling myself, we're not compatible because of XY and Z is really hard. Especially since I don't really know what XY and Z are, other than that I had insecurity issues, he needed space and he had some type of commitment phobia.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

I think a big problem I have is accepting that me and my ex aren't compatible. As I love him so much, we were best friends, had nearly everything in common, had so much chemistry, connected so naturally, had similar life dreams and he said he loved me too more than anyone else he'd ever met once. So just erasing all that from my mind and telling myself, we're not compatible because of XY and Z is really hard. Especially since I don't really know what XY and Z are, other than that I had insecurity issues, he needed space and he had some type of commitment phobia.

 

 

Maybe, MAYBE you were too compatible. you basically summed him up as being exactly like you in many aspects. now I'm not a specialist and this is just my personal opinion but I think both people need as many things in common with each other as they have differences. personally I think the differences really make the relationship because they cause problems which test the strength of the relationship, it brings out a new life in each person, you can envy each other for your differences (hard to do with similarities), and each person has a different approach to every situation which could solve future issues before they arise.

 

Again, this is just my opinion.

[Mnesic]

I'm going through exactly what your going through right now and its hard to cope. I feel like I'm in a giant hole filled with denial , even though she cheated on me I still love her and I still want to be with her.

[RuinedLife]

your love for one person is like an addiction. in order to "fix" that addiction you need to put something else in it's place. even with people you don't need to replace them with other people (dating another person), you can simply pick up new hobbies, hang out with friends, meet new people, work on some goal in your life, go back to school, work on old hobbies... ect...

 

This is very true, I'm very addicted to my ex (love addiction I think it is, or obsessive love disorder). And I do need to find some other really absorbing activity on which to focus so that I can begin to move on. I just struggle so much to focus my mind I suppose, and even when I do I often combine thoughts in my mind. (I guess its normal or quite common?) But for example when I watch TV I associate what ever is on TV with what I'm thinking about at the time (e.g. these days my ex), or if I'm drawing a picture I connect the imagery of whatever is on the page with the imagery in my mind (e.g. these days my ex).

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that given enough time and mental disciple it can't be done, or that I couldn't do it given enough will power. I'm just saying that I really struggle to block him out even for a short while at the moment, let alone long enough to allow for sufficient "moving on" healing to occur.

 

when someone quits smoking they usually chew gum, suck on a lolipop, eat junk food, or even go for a walk when they have a craving. they do this not only to take their mind off of the cigarette but to replace that addiction with a healthy activity.

 

This is a very good comparison. I just wish there was a "love gum" I could chew on to get me through the days. Oxytocin is the main chemical responsible for creating that "bonded" feeling that "emotional attachment" between romantic partners, along with a mix of other "happiness" neurochemicals such as seratonin and dopamine. So maybe all these could be combined in to some sort of pill or gum. No doubt some mad scientist is working on it as I type this. I'm sure they would make a fortune if it worked.

 

Heartache-relief gum, freedom from your heartache for up to 24 hours!

[RuinedLife]

I'm going through exactly what your going through right now and its hard to cope. I feel like I'm in a giant hole filled with denial , even though she cheated on me I still love her and I still want to be with her.

 

Sorry to hear that

 

Yes a "giant hole filled with denial" about sums me up too.

[RuinedLife]

Maybe, MAYBE you were too compatible. you basically summed him up as being exactly like you in many aspects. now I'm not a specialist and this is just my personal opinion but I think both people need as many things in common with each other as they have differences. personally I think the differences really make the relationship because they cause problems which test the strength of the relationship, it brings out a new life in each person, you can envy each other for your differences (hard to do with similarities), and each person has a different approach to every situation which could solve future issues before they arise.

 

Again, this is just my opinion.

 

Too compatible??

 

I guess in some ways maybe. But think its probably more the fact that the few ways we weren't compatible were those BIG deal breaker ways. No so much for me, with a bit of effort at least. But for my ex it seems like they were. This is what makes it so hard for me to accept its over. Because I love my ex so much still, I'm really wanting to work on my issues to work on the relationship, to do pretty much whatever it takes to keep the relationship alive, and yet my ex doesn't want me anymore. So if I really love him like I do, and I want him to be happy no matter what, then I have to let him go.

 

I know this... but still it hurts like a thousand knives of fire stabbing me in the heart

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

This is a very good comparison. I just wish there was a "love gum" I could chew on to get me through the days. Oxytocin is the main chemical responsible for creating that "bonded" feeling that "emotional attachment" between romantic partners, along with a mix of other "happiness" neurochemicals such as seratonin and dopamine. So maybe all these could be combined in to some sort of pill or gum. No doubt some mad scientist is working on it as I type this. I'm sure they would make a fortune if it worked.

 

Heartache-relief gum, freedom from your heartache for up to 24 hours!

 

 

very good with the chemicals

 

 

endorphins are also one of the chemicals that are released when you love someone, that is why a lot of people recommend getting in shape. Working out releases endorphins into your system and they make you feel great. You can also take fish oil pills or flax seed pills they will make you feel good too.

[coltsfan1]

The myth of "The One" causes more break ups and ruins countless marriages.

 

Due to the myth of "The One"... when relationships or marriages go through difficult times and hard work is required... This is when the person that believes in "The One" starts to think, feel and believe that they picked the wrong "The One".

 

My mother passed away when she was 41. My father married again and they are going on 20 wonderful years. Question... Can you tell me which one of these two women that my father married is "The One"?

 

Stop trying to marry "The One"... Instead, "Burn the Ships in the Harbor" with the person you marry!

 

"Burn the Ships in the Harbor"

 

When Hernando Cortez landed in Mexico in 1509, he landed there with 600 of his men. Their mission was to explore the land, conquer the land, and last but not least, establish a new life for the future in that land. Once they arrived on the shores of Mexico, Cortez ordered his men to burn their ships in the harbor – the very ships that had brought them there.

 

The ships were burned in order to keep them from retreating. The idea was that they had to be successful. They had to be committed to the cause of establishing a new frontier, and that commitment had to be greater than their desire to go back to their homeland of Cuba.

 

Cortez stripped from them the possibility of going back, and by doing so, he took from them the possibility of defeat. Now there was only one way to go — and that was forward. Their only option was to be committed to their future in Mexico. Their only alternative was to be committed to the unity of their purpose. Their only choice was to be committed to establishing a new frontier, whereby they could and would build new ships by which to sail!

 

I just copied this to a word doc. & will be reading it daily if need be!!! Great post!!!!!!

[RuinedLife]

The myth of "The One" causes more break ups and ruins countless marriages.

 

Due to the myth of "The One"... when relationships or marriages go through difficult times and hard work is required... This is when the person that believes in "The One" starts to think, feel and believe that they picked the wrong "The One".

 

My mother passed away when she was 41. My father married again and they are going on 20 wonderful years. Question... Can you tell me which one of these two women that my father married is "The One"?

 

Stop trying to marry "The One"... Instead, "Burn the Ships in the Harbor" with the person you marry!

 

"Burn the Ships in the Harbor"

 

When Hernando Cortez landed in Mexico in 1509, he landed there with 600 of his men. Their mission was to explore the land, conquer the land, and last but not least, establish a new life for the future in that land. Once they arrived on the shores of Mexico, Cortez ordered his men to burn their ships in the harbor – the very ships that had brought them there.

 

The ships were burned in order to keep them from retreating. The idea was that they had to be successful. They had to be committed to the cause of establishing a new frontier, and that commitment had to be greater than their desire to go back to their homeland of Cuba.

 

Cortez stripped from them the possibility of going back, and by doing so, he took from them the possibility of defeat. Now there was only one way to go — and that was forward. Their only option was to be committed to their future in Mexico. Their only alternative was to be committed to the unity of their purpose. Their only choice was to be committed to establishing a new frontier, whereby they could and would build new ships by which to sail!

 

Sorry I'm a bit confused here. Are you suggesting that I remain committed to my ex and do whatever it takes to try and get back together with him even if it takes my entire life?

 

Or are you saying that my ex was wrong not to want to work through our relationship problems together?

 

Also I realize the myth of "the one" can be very dangerous. I guess I just have a hard time dismissing this concept out of hand, because my parents have been happy together for going on 50 years! I'm not saying that they couldn't be happy with other people. But when they have been my inspiration, when most of my experience of what a relationship should be like has come from them, it makes it hard for my subconscious to see past that "the one" myth.

[mtd4249]

Ruinedlife ... they say love is a drug. When you fall in love, it's intoxicating. But, when that relationship ends it's like coming off a drug .... with any drug, it's not just the drug itself that's addictive but the habit. We were all in the habit of loving our exs but now we need to somehow break that habit. Maybe the secret to ridding ourselves of the habit is time; maybe a little bit of the habit will remain with us forever. I know for me, however, I need to break the habit of loving my ex completely before I will properly move on because when I love someone I love them 100%. To love someone else 100%, I need to completely break the habit of loving my ex otherwise my next relationship will suffer ..... that's my way of thinking. Maybe you are the same?

[RuinedLife]

Ruinedlife ... they say love is a drug. When you fall in love, it's intoxicating. But, when that relationship ends it's like coming off a drug .... with any drug, it's not just the drug itself that's addictive but the habit. We were all in the habit of loving our exs but now we need to somehow break that habit. Maybe the secret to ridding ourselves of the habit is time; maybe a little bit of the habit will remain with us forever. I know for me, however, I need to break the habit of loving my ex completely before I will properly move on because when I love someone I love them 100%. To love someone else 100%, I need to completely break the habit of loving my ex otherwise my next relationship will suffer ..... that's my way of thinking. Maybe you are the same?

 

Yes I feel exactly the same I think. I love my ex 100%, so I need to break the habit of loving him and drastically reduce that percentage to have even a hope of having another relationship.

 

To be honest though, I don't know if I'm cut out to have any relationship

[Mack05]

Ruined I posted this in your other thread (see below). It seems to be you don't want to be helped...There are 3 books I would recommend for you but clearly you don't seem to want to be helped. How long you going to post the same stuff over and over again. 6 months?, 1 year? 6 years??

 

http://www.amazon.com/How-Break-Your-Addiction-Person/dp/0553382497

http://www.amazon.com/How-Mend-Your-Broken-Heart/dp/1400054044/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1309163402&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1309163460&sr=1-1

 

Ruinedlife,

 

Sorry is thread appears harsh (I have a vicious hangover :-) but someone needs to give you a kick up the $%£...Preferably someone close to you like a family member or a close friend.

 

For most people breaking no contact after 6 months wouldn't be the end the world. Yet after 6 months you haven't moved on an iota, from what I have seen and read. Let's just say you did break no contact, do you think you are ready to show him someone new? Someone who has learnt from their mistakes? Someone he can respect? I mean how can he respect you, when you don't respect you? How can he love you, when you don't love you?

 

There is a high probability the relationship is over and to be fair, I think you have gained a certain amount of acceptance there. But there are instances in life (they are rare) when people win their ex's back. These are few and far between but they do happen. My ex won me back. When we broke up she was VERY high maintenance, very insecure, low self esteem. Our final fight she threw every piece of jewellery I ever bought her and threw it down a drain and then punched me in the face. My crime? I spent all night talking to friends home from New York, who I hadn't seen in 3 years, and didn't show her enough attention. We broke up that night and soon afterwards I went to Australia for a year.

 

She sent me a heartfelt letter saying how sorry she was and that she promised she would get herself sorted. She told me to enjoy my year away and then went NC. Nine months later I get an email and she asked me for my phone number for a catch up chat. I give it to her and she told me she was in Sydney with her sister and friend travelling and would I like to meet up for a beer. I walked into the pub and walked right past her. I didn't recognise her. She then smiled at me and I was blown away. She looked absolutely stunning. We got chatting and I noticed huge changes in her. She explained that she went to Therapy for 6 months. She then spoke of other changes she made and apologised (very emotionally) for some the mistakes she made in the relationship. She went off on her travels and I did the same but we got back together for another 4 years when I got home. We broke up, but for entirely different reasons then the first time.

 

Ruined there is NO chance of winning this guy back or meeting a new guy if you stay in this hole that you have dug yourself. The more you obsess the bigger the hole gets to climb out of. The more you beat yourself and put yourself down, the bigger the hole gets. The more you feel sorry for yourself the bigger the hole gets. The longer you think negatively, the bigger the hole gets. Why do I get the impression you will still be posting the same negative, hurtful stuff you feel about yourself in another 6 months?

 

This self destructive behaviour needs to stop. NOW!!!!The bigger the hole you keep digging for yourself the longer the recovery process. At this stage you should want to get your self esteem and confidence back for you, but that doesn't mean you can't use your ex boyfriend as a source of motivation. For example when I am in the gym these days and my arms hurt so much I can't even lift them, I picture my ex and her friends laughing at me. That gives me the motivation, to do that one extra bench press. I am determined to show people something. I am determined to prove my ex's opinion of me wrong. I am determined to prove me to me.

 

Why not for the next 3 months put a massive effort into improving yourself as much as you can. Get yourself into the best shape of your life. Go to the gym every morning and evening. Continue to put your heart and soul into Therapy. Educate yourself as to why you made the mistakes you made. Read as many self help books as you can. Then after 3-4 months break NC and ask you ex to meet you for one drink. I'm sure he will say yes to a drink.

 

Even if the drink doesn't go as well as you hoped, at least you showed him a brand new you. That's what his last memory of you will be. A beautiful confident, genuinely nice woman who knows herself. Nothing more sexy to a man..Who knows maybe if it's meant to be he might even ask you out on a date..

 

There is one thing I do know. Do you know what is going to happen if you keep feeling sorry for yourself. Keep putting yourself down, Keep obsessing, keep posting one post a day on LS???

 

NOTHING...

[RuinedLife]

Ruined I posted this in your other thread (see below). It seems to be you don't want to be helped...There are 3 books I would recommend for you but clearly you don't seem to want to be helped. How long you going to post the same stuff over and over again. 6 months?, 1 year? 6 years??

 

http://www.amazon.com/How-Break-Your-Addiction-Person/dp/0553382497

http://www.amazon.com/How-Mend-Your-Broken-Heart/dp/1400054044/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1309163402&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1309163460&sr=1-1

 

Ruinedlife,

 

Sorry is thread appears harsh (I have a vicious hangover :-) but someone needs to give you a kick up the $%£...Preferably someone close to you like a family member or a close friend.

 

For most people breaking no contact after 6 months wouldn't be the end the world. Yet after 6 months you haven't moved on an iota, from what I have seen and read. Let's just say you did break no contact, do you think you are ready to show him someone new? Someone who has learnt from their mistakes? Someone he can respect? I mean how can he respect you, when you don't respect you? How can he love you, when you don't love you?

 

There is a high probability the relationship is over and to be fair, I think you have gained a certain amount of acceptance there. But there are instances in life (they are rare) when people win their ex's back. These are few and far between but they do happen. My ex won me back. When we broke up she was VERY high maintenance, very insecure, low self esteem. Our final fight she threw every piece of jewellery I ever bought her and threw it down a drain and then punched me in the face. My crime? I spent all night talking to friends home from New York, who I hadn't seen in 3 years, and didn't show her enough attention. We broke up that night and soon afterwards I went to Australia for a year.

 

She sent me a heartfelt letter saying how sorry she was and that she promised she would get herself sorted. She told me to enjoy my year away and then went NC. Nine months later I get an email and she asked me for my phone number for a catch up chat. I give it to her and she told me she was in Sydney with her sister and friend travelling and would I like to meet up for a beer. I walked into the pub and walked right past her. I didn't recognise her. She then smiled at me and I was blown away. She looked absolutely stunning. We got chatting and I noticed huge changes in her. She explained that she went to Therapy for 6 months. She then spoke of other changes she made and apologised (very emotionally) for some the mistakes she made in the relationship. She went off on her travels and I did the same but we got back together for another 4 years when I got home. We broke up, but for entirely different reasons then the first time.

 

Ruined there is NO chance of winning this guy back or meeting a new guy if you stay in this hole that you have dug yourself. The more you obsess the bigger the hole gets to climb out of. The more you beat yourself and put yourself down, the bigger the hole gets. The more you feel sorry for yourself the bigger the hole gets. The longer you think negatively, the bigger the hole gets. Why do I get the impression you will still be posting the same negative, hurtful stuff you feel about yourself in another 6 months?

 

This self destructive behaviour needs to stop. NOW!!!!The bigger the hole you keep digging for yourself the longer the recovery process. At this stage you should want to get your self esteem and confidence back for you, but that doesn't mean you can't use your ex boyfriend as a source of motivation. For example when I am in the gym these days and my arms hurt so much I can't even lift them, I picture my ex and her friends laughing at me. That gives me the motivation, to do that one extra bench press. I am determined to show people something. I am determined to prove my ex's opinion of me wrong. I am determined to prove me to me.

 

Why not for the next 3 months put a massive effort into improving yourself as much as you can. Get yourself into the best shape of your life. Go to the gym every morning and evening. Continue to put your heart and soul into Therapy. Educate yourself as to why you made the mistakes you made. Read as many self help books as you can. Then after 3-4 months break NC and ask you ex to meet you for one drink. I'm sure he will say yes to a drink.

 

Even if the drink doesn't go as well as you hoped, at least you showed him a brand new you. That's what his last memory of you will be. A beautiful confident, genuinely nice woman who knows herself. Nothing more sexy to a man..Who knows maybe if it's meant to be he might even ask you out on a date..

 

There is one thing I do know. Do you know what is going to happen if you keep feeling sorry for yourself. Keep putting yourself down, Keep obsessing, keep posting one post a day on LS???

 

NOTHING...

 

Yes I ordered those books. I await their arrival.

[Mack05]

Yes I ordered those books. I await their arrival.

 

Ok cool...Not to sound condescending but I am proud of you

[RuinedLife]

Ok cool...Not to sound condescending but I am proud of you

 

Ok, I'm reading the 'Getting Past Your Break Up' book. So hopefully it will help me.

 

However, I'm going to be seeing my ex again soon, within in the few weeks, and I fear it could easily set me back again. Not that I ever really moved forward because my love for him is as strong as ever and every day seems like I realize more and more just how much he really means to me and just how stupid I was to let such a silly situation come between us.

 

And I'm still living in a delusional fantasy land where I believe that when I see him all will be well again, he'll still love me and we can work through our issues. I know logically this is highly unlikely and I'm only hurting myself by continuing to live in this state of denial, but its like I've wrapped myself up in this delusional cotton wool to protect myself from continual feelings of loss, rejection and regret etc. Because these emotions are very difficult for me to process and even after despairing as much as I have, my emotional switch always gets reset back to that position it was in at the start of my break up.

[Mack05]

If you are meeting your ex in a few weeks why aren't you in the gym every morning and evening?. I promise you that even after just two weeks of healthy eating, no beer and gym work in the morning and evening you will feel great! Let me tell you what I do...

 

7:00 am Up for a weights session. Low reps, high intensity for about an hour. Get a trained professional in the gym to get the best program for you..

 

8:30 Breakfast: High fibre cereal with low fat milk with Orange juice

 

11:30: Fruit, Banana, Orange and an apple

 

13:30 Lunch: One chicken breast grilled, with beans

 

15:30: Homemade Veg Soup

 

17:00: Banana

 

17:30 Gym High intensity Cardio workout (spin, running, cycling) whatever you like

 

19:00: One more Chicken breast with beans...

 

There are a million plans out there. It's crucial to chnage your lunch and dinner everyday. Above is just an example of how you should train twice a day (weights in morning, cardio in the evening). Eat every 3 or so hours always something small...

 

Now your body shape will not change in a few weeks BUT you will feel so good within yourself. Also try have the book getting past your break up fully read).

 

Ideally yes it would be great if you had 6 weeks to work a fitness program but doing something is better then doing nothing. Show him someone new! You never know he might be asking questions to himself when he is leaving. Whatever you do, don't agree with FWB. Not if you want him to respect you! Trust me that's how most guys feel about FWB.

 

When you are working out picture meeting your ex. It will make you work harder then you have ever worked before! Show him a confident woman, who knows herself. Not the woman who is desperately missing him (that will probably push him further away). Show no weakness, no matter how hard it is to reach out. Don't! Give yourself the best chance to win him back. The only way to do this is through hard work and discipline. Yes be prepared for failure, BUT if you work hard on yourself failure will be alot easier to take.

Edited July 1, 2011 by Mack05

[RuinedLife]

If you are meeting your ex in a few weeks why aren't you in the gym every morning and evening?. I promise you that even after just two weeks of healthy eating, no beer and gym work in the morning and evening you will feel great! Let me tell you what I do...

 

7:00 am Up for a weights session. Low reps, high intensity for about an hour. Get a trained professional in the gym to get the best program for you..

 

8:30 Breakfast: High fibre cereal with low fat milk with Orange juice

 

11:30: Fruit, Banana, Orange and an apple

 

13:30 Lunch: One chicken breast grilled, with beans

 

15:30: Homemade Veg Soup

 

17:00: Banana

 

17:30 Gym High intensity Cardio workout (spin, running, cycling) whatever you like

 

19:00: One more Chicken breast with beans...

 

There are a million plans out there. It's crucial to chnage your lunch and dinner everyday. Above is just an example of how you should train twice a day (weights in morning, cardio in the evening). Eat every 3 or so hours always something small...

 

Now your body shape will not change in a few weeks BUT you will feel so good within yourself. Also try have the book getting past your break up fully read).

 

Ideally yes it would be great if you had 6 weeks to work a fitness program but doing something is better then doing nothing. Show him someone new! You never know he might be asking questions to himself when he is leaving. Whatever you do, don't agree with FWB. Not if you want him to respect you! Trust me that's how most guys feel about FWB.

 

When you are working out picture meeting your ex. It will make you work harder then you have ever worked before! Show him a confident woman, who knows herself. Not the woman who is desperately missing him (that will probably push him further away). Show no weakness, no matter how hard it is to reach out. Don't! Give yourself the best chance to win him back. The only way to do this is through hard work and discipline. Yes be prepared for failure, BUT if you work hard on yourself failure will be alot easier to take.

 

Unfortunately my physical health has been really bad so I'm not well enough to go to a gym to do any hard core physical exercise. But I can improve my diet and do a little light exercise so I will do that. As for the FWB situation, I don't think my ex would even go for it anyway to be honest, and I know I couldn't really handle being friends without any sort of relationship. I'm just grasping at straws I guess because in my mind I see FWB more as just restarting the relationship as it was, as crazy as that sounds.

[Mack05]

It's a shame your health is not great right now ruined. I really hope this is a short term thing and that you return to 100% full health soon. The Rationale behind hard training is to feed the belief and starve the doubt. Everytime I feel low or start to doubt myself, I pack a gear bag and go to the gym. I find it sad you don't have that option right now.

 

Is there anyway you can avoid this meeting of your ex? In my opinion your nowhere near ready to meet him. Emotionally, physically or mentally, you are not ready. Sorry if I sound harsh. To win someone back, I feel you have to show them something new. Right now your self belief is not good. Believe me he will see this. It will be written all over your body language and your overall demeanour. You can't act self confident. You either feel good within yourself or you don't.

 

Whatever you do, do NOT agree or mention FWB. Not if you want him to respect you going forward. People (especially men) can be ass$^^&* when they see someone vulnerable. They will take advantage of that fact without any thought to what the other person is feeling. When you get left high and dry after a brief encounter with an ex, the results can be devastating.

 

If you want my advice I would do whatever you can to avoid this meeting with your ex. Whatever your health problems are you're focus should be 100% on getting better. I don't know what your health problems are but this focusing/obsessing on your ex cannot be helping you. Hopefully your health problems are not long term. Then you can get a plan in place to rebuild your self confidence. Trust me you can't meet this guy until you show him something new.

 

Once you have rebuild your self confidence and overcome all this self doubt then you will be able to meet him. Even if you don't get the reaction you were hoping for, you will be in a far better place to take the blow. Let me put this in percentage terms. If you meet your ex in a few weeks in your current from of mind there is 0% of you guys getting back together. You will end up doing more damage of a reconcilation and far more importantly you will do far more damage to yourself..

 

If you avoid the meeting. Get your health back, then rebuild your self confidence and belief. Then send your an ex a letter, after that who knows!. It's a longshot but at least it's a shot and as I said above even if he is no longer interested, you will have got yourself back. That is worth more to you then anything right now..

 

You can do this Ruined....It requires courage, which I know you have...

[Karala]

Hi sweetie,

I also recommend the book "I can mend your broken heart" by Paul McKenna & Hugh Willbourn. It contains something called the "Threshold Technique" which has helped me IMMENSELY in shedding some of my excess love for my ex. The technique is supposed to make you see him in a different light and lose feelings for him, and although I can't say it has erased 4 years of loving him unconditionally, it has helped a lot to reduce those feelings.

 

Be aware though, that the love you feel now may well turn into hate (probably not permanently, but still) and your sadness into anger. This is exactly what has happened to me. Seeing him for what he really his, realizing I totally had him on a pedestal, and now I want to take back the love I gave him for years because he was never the person I thought he was to begin with, so all that love went out to someone/something that didn't even exist.

 

It makes me feel very mad at myself and it's not such a good feeling. But I suppose it's a step-up from depression and seeing the whole thing through rose-colored glasses. Next stop hopefully - indifference. Not as in, I won't care a wit about this person (at least that's not something I'm aiming toward at the moment - it just seems sad and cold to become totally indifferent to someone you've loved for so long) but as in, his actions and ways of being won't have the power to affect me deeply anymore.

[FrankLampard]

Ok, I'm reading the 'Getting Past Your Break Up' book. So hopefully it will help me.

 

However, I'm going to be seeing my ex again soon, within in the few weeks, and I fear it could easily set me back again. Not that I ever really moved forward because my love for him is as strong as ever and every day seems like I realize more and more just how much he really means to me and just how stupid I was to let such a silly situation come between us.

 

And I'm still living in a delusional fantasy land where I believe that when I see him all will be well again, he'll still love me and we can work through our issues. I know logically this is highly unlikely and I'm only hurting myself by continuing to live in this state of denial, but its like I've wrapped myself up in this delusional cotton wool to protect myself from continual feelings of loss, rejection and regret etc. Because these emotions are very difficult for me to process and even after despairing as much as I have, my emotional switch always gets reset back to that position it was in at the start of my break up.

 

I have been going through the same deal for two months now; my ex broke up with me after ten years and doesn't care one bit about my feelings eventhough I am still passionately in love with him. I begged him to give our relationship one more chance and he laughed in my face. I have tried everything and I can assure you that it only gets better on the days I consciously choose to forget about my ex and excercise and work on self-improvement. When I give in to my feelings, I spend the days wallowing in self-pity and the nights crying and taking sleeping aid. My advice: force yourself to stop thinking about your ex. Put your feelings in a box, lock it, and throw the key away. Get a second job, go to church, work out twice a day, avoid the 'triggers' that remind of your ex and things you've done together, talk to your friends and listen to what they have to say. You will be surprised how much better you will feel and how quickly people around you will notice that.