Missing someone too much, too soon.

[acrossthemiles1]

I don't know why I keep posting here because I'm not even really sure what my issue is (if I even have one), but I'm feeling a little messed up in the head lately so hoping this will help.

 

My current relationship situation is detailed in this (equally pointless) post here. In general, everything with the guy is fantastic. The distance is an annoying but manageable obstacle, one which looks to be resolved shortly as I'm currently job hunting back up in NYC with my current contract coming to an end. My main concern is, I guess, the way in which I cope with the distance and the amount of time (or lack thereof) we spend together. Again, I imagine this is me making an issue out of nothing...we went away on a trip to the beach last weekend, just the two of us, which was fantastic. Maybe it spoiled me, because this weekend when he had plans with his guy friends that I'd already known about - I was just staying over the Sunday night because I had an interview in Manhattan the next morning (normally I'd go back Sunday PM) - I really, really felt torn up inside, like it was just torture seeing him only for a few hours and then having to leave again, and not even really being able to enjoy the time since I was so wired on pre-interview nerves.

 

As I've said before, I am a big proponent in relationships of giving your partner the time and space to hang out with their friends now and then...I am not one of those "attached at the hip" girlfriends and have no desire to be. For my part, I enjoyed the time I spent with my own friends this weekend (something I haven't been able to do that often lately due to only being in the city for weekends). It's just that...I would rather be with him than anyone else.

 

So I wonder: is that normal? Is that unhealthy, that I really do miss him SO much when I don't get a whole weekend with him? It's still quite early in the relationship and I am not willing to push things further or let on just how head over heels I am for him...his last long-term relationship of six years ended early in the winter and I think for the moment he's just enjoying the fact that he can relax around me and be himself. He has made it very clear that he likes me a lot and intends to continue seeing me for the forseeable future...I'm not getting flip-flopping or ambivalence from him. He just doesn't seem to get as torn up about our time apart as I do. He tells me he missed me when we get together after missing a weekend day or whatever...and, we have plans to take longer trips together, a week or more just the two of us. So, I guess I'm not really sure what I'm worried about. I really just don't want to feel like I'm TOO into him. Spending time with him is such a drug to me for some reason, I get really broken up when I don't get enough of it. (Obviously not in front of him or anything, just afterwards I miss him so badly. It's not just psychological either - he is honestly one of the most attractive people I have ever met and I have a high sex drive as it is...so, there is that as well, lol.) If that makes me sound sad and pathetic...well, I guess that's just the way I am right now. I care about him, so much, like emotionally...I feel like I feel these things for him that I have no reason feeling towards someone I've only been dating since mid-April.

 

Do I sound needy? Too invested too early? Any insights?...

[HeavenOrHell]

To be honest this does sound too needy IMO. Bearing in mind you see him most w/ends and most of us in LDR's wait weeks or months to see their partner, so to us it would just be amazing to see our partner so often, wow! I don't miss my partner to the extent it really gets to me, I did for a while, but that was more to do with the fact he was seeing his ex (they're friends) more than me and that made the distance seem unbearable, when he doesn't see as much of her I only get the odd bout of missing him, the amount of contact we have online and on the phone helps massively. We meet up every 6-8 weeks. I don't feel torn up when we say goodbye as I feel happy about the time I've spent with him I feel a little tearful sometimes when he's gone, and sometimes feel low for a couple of days, but I get back into my life here and it's ok. I do miss him sexually a lot, I have a high sex drive with him too, I try not to think about missing his cuddles and everything as I would feel low. I try to focus on the positive things about our r/ship.

I shouldn't generalise, sorry, but many men find it hard to show emotions as much as women (they're not brought up to express them as much as women are), my partner is the same and at times I've thought I need or care more about him, but it's not so.

It is early days for your r/ship, but me and my partner developed strong feelings for each other early on too, just try to slow it all down a bit and just let things evolve in their own way, try to enjoy the time out with your friends and remember you'll see him in a few days

 

 

I don't know why I keep posting here because I'm not even really sure what my issue is (if I even have one), but I'm feeling a little messed up in the head lately so hoping this will help.

 

My current relationship situation is detailed in this (equally pointless) post here. In general, everything with the guy is fantastic. The distance is an annoying but manageable obstacle, one which looks to be resolved shortly as I'm currently job hunting back up in NYC with my current contract coming to an end. My main concern is, I guess, the way in which I cope with the distance and the amount of time (or lack thereof) we spend together. Again, I imagine this is me making an issue out of nothing...we went away on a trip to the beach last weekend, just the two of us, which was fantastic. Maybe it spoiled me, because this weekend when he had plans with his guy friends that I'd already known about - I was just staying over the Sunday night because I had an interview in Manhattan the next morning (normally I'd go back Sunday PM) - I really, really felt torn up inside, like it was just torture seeing him only for a few hours and then having to leave again, and not even really being able to enjoy the time since I was so wired on pre-interview nerves.

 

As I've said before, I am a big proponent in relationships of giving your partner the time and space to hang out with their friends now and then...I am not one of those "attached at the hip" girlfriends and have no desire to be. For my part, I enjoyed the time I spent with my own friends this weekend (something I haven't been able to do that often lately due to only being in the city for weekends). It's just that...I would rather be with him than anyone else.

 

So I wonder: is that normal? Is that unhealthy, that I really do miss him SO much when I don't get a whole weekend with him? It's still quite early in the relationship and I am not willing to push things further or let on just how head over heels I am for him...his last long-term relationship of six years ended early in the winter and I think for the moment he's just enjoying the fact that he can relax around me and be himself. He has made it very clear that he likes me a lot and intends to continue seeing me for the forseeable future...I'm not getting flip-flopping or ambivalence from him. He just doesn't seem to get as torn up about our time apart as I do. He tells me he missed me when we get together after missing a weekend day or whatever...and, we have plans to take longer trips together, a week or more just the two of us. So, I guess I'm not really sure what I'm worried about. I really just don't want to feel like I'm TOO into him. Spending time with him is such a drug to me for some reason, I get really broken up when I don't get enough of it. (Obviously not in front of him or anything, just afterwards I miss him so badly. It's not just psychological either - he is honestly one of the most attractive people I have ever met and I have a high sex drive as it is...so, there is that as well, lol.) If that makes me sound sad and pathetic...well, I guess that's just the way I am right now. I care about him, so much, like emotionally...I feel like I feel these things for him that I have no reason feeling towards someone I've only been dating since mid-April.

 

Do I sound needy? Too invested too early? Any insights?...

[acrossthemiles1]

So...further to the above, now I'm getting a little bit antsy because I feel like all of a sudden he doesn't want to make any time to see me, I'm always texting him, he never initiates it...I've suggested things to do twice (once for last Saturday and once for this Saturday) and both times he's been like oh, I think I'm doing XYZ with my friends...which just seems weird since, like I said, the weekend before last we went on that beach vacation together and we got on like a house on fire, there were absolutely no bad omens or red flags or anything and he was super affectionate as always. I know that at least one of his friends (and probably more) were bugging him about him spending all his time with me, so maybe this is a reaction to that...but it just really gets to me that all of a sudden I'm totally unimportant and he seems totally not motivated to hang out with me at all. He seemed to be his same old self for the brief time I did see him last Sunday evening, but it just seems really unusual that he's not making any attempts to get together with me. I mentioned seeing Fatboy Slim this Saturday (which is something we'd both generally be interested in, we have the same taste in music and he's even briefly mentioned wanting to go to this event) and he's like "Oh, I think we're going to the shore." Umm, okay...so am I to assume that we're just NOT getting together at all this weekend? Like, wtf. Again, I don't have to be attached at the hip or something, but if you totally don't make ANY time for me two weekends in a row, I'm going to start thinking the worst...

 

I decided that I'm not going to initiate contact or suggest activities together until I get some sign that he's actually still interested...that probably seems drastic but I am so suspicious of the whole "pullback" phenomenon, having already gone through that once in the past six months, that I am not willing to get sucked into that spiral again. I don't know...maybe it's just that he's getting more comfortable with the idea of being with me that he thinks he doesn't have to push all the time to make constant contact, but...I dunno. It just seems really strange and I'm just a little hurt by the whole thing.

[acrossthemiles1]

Somebody...anybody?...am I freaking out over nothing? Should I be running for the hills? Help...

[HeavenOrHell]

I replied the other day, not sure if you saw it?

 

 

 

Somebody...anybody?...am I freaking out over nothing? Should I be running for the hills? Help...

[acrossthemiles1]

I replied the other day, not sure if you saw it?

Yeah, I'm just wondering now if this seems like signs of a pullback or just the "normal" settling in/getting comfortable phase. I feel like he never takes the initiative to text me or plan to spend time with me...so, I'm just going to bide my time until he starts being more proactive. Or is that dumb?

[amethyste]

From the things you said, I think you're needy & I also believe that you're much more emotionally invested than he is.

Like HeavenOrHell said, others wait for weeks/ months to see their partner, so not seeing him one weekend doesn't seem bad at all.

You also seem a bit clingy & anxious. Stop analyzing everything over and over again, and give your partner some space. If I were you, I'd stop sending him texts or come up with plans - I'd wait to see if he has any, and I'd allow him to look for me whenever he feels like it. Wait to see how he (re)acts if you won't give him so much attention.

[acrossthemiles1]

Well, I've only really suggested concrete plans once, and he didn't even explicitly say "No, I'm going out with my friends instead." I'm definitely overanalyzing things, but I don't think I've been super-overbearing on him and I certainly don't barrage him with texts. But, you're right I am not going to initiate contact again until he comes to me first.

 

It just pisses me off, this whole hot and cold thing. I'm super suspicious of it thanks to my last relationship, and this one started off so promising...he was all about wanting to be exclusive, wanting to be monogamous...then all of a sudden he literally cannot spare a single second for me because he's too busy with his friends. So, I'm just wondering whether I should have my guard up or whether this is just natural, understandable, red-flag-free behavior. Ugh.

[amethyste]

Based on personal experience, I think you should go (for now) for a middle way. Try not to be suspicious out of nothing, but don't let your guard down either. Give it some time. I'd also suggest you to take it easy & slowly when you're investing feelings into someone, because you can never be sure what's going to happen - especially in the beginning. Overall, try to be more tempered, it'll only help you.

[acrossthemiles1]

You're right, I do need to be more balanced about things...it's just hard because I do tend to fall for guys quite quickly - and I'd already really had a thing for this guy since January, the opportunity just never presented itself until a few months ago.

 

I'm just annoyed at, yet again, the lack of consistency (same deal as the last dude). Why would you spend every weekend with me for a good two months, get to the point where we're going on vacations together by ourselves, then all of a sudden drop off the face of the planet and only want to hang out with your friends? I'm not the sort of person he can't bring around his friends - the one time I did meet them all (at a Memorial Day BBQ) everyone commented on how well I got along with everyone and how cool they all thought I was.

 

And now all of a sudden it's just radio silence. WTF. You know, if you're suddenly and randomly not into me anymore (which would be quite a departure from your behavior two weeks ago, but whatever) at least say so and don't string me along when I don't have the benefit of in-person contact to help me read signals/clues.

 

And now I'm like, if it gets to a certain point and he literally just does NOT make contact, what the hell then? What am I supposed to assume? How long am I supposed to play this game?

[amethyste]

I've been in your situation (and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one), and all I can really say is that things like these happen. No matter how useless this sounds, it's true. Questioning yourself, thinking about all kind of scenarios, over-analyzing things won't help you. I believe that peace (of mind) comes from within, and you should accept that you won't always get an explanation for why someone acts in a certain way.

[acrossthemiles1]

So what's the point then? What is the point of even bothering? When it seems so promising at first, and all lights are green, and everyone's telling me he sounds great, he sounds honest, he sounds uncomplicated, and then he does the vanishing act on me just like the last one. What is even the point of bothering?

 

I'm not having a very good night, if it wasn't evident.

[acrossthemiles1]

...So he texts me about a half hour going: This is some bullsh*t, plans got all f*cked up. Friends made plans when they were drunk, acted like they didn't remember.

 

I said that sucked and that I hoped he found an entertaining alternative. He goes, Now I feel like doing nothing, I'm just gonna chill at home.

 

Sounds good, I say. I am doing the same, recovering from work burnout.

 

He goes, Aw, staying in PA all weekend?

 

...Yeah, NOW you want to hang out now that your friends pussied out on you. Real classy.

 

I don't understand how it's possible to be so irritated at someone and still like them so much. Ugh.

[wild_urge]

 

I don't understand how it's possible to be so irritated at someone and still like them so much. Ugh.

 

 

I can only comment on the last part. It's weird isn't it? But of course, the poeple you love are the people that have the most power to hurt you. I feel for you, I feel a bit the same way. . .

[Tayla]

I disagree that you are "needy". I think its a sign of healthy love to desire and want to share time (particularly in the early stage). As you become comfortable with one another and balanced in knowing the ins and outs of each others quirks and strength, things can progress.

 

Sorta concerned that you are creating drama as an outlet for what is really bothering you. A true friend ( which is what a girlfriend should be) would be more supportive and less insulted. It can be a wake up call that you do need to step back and ask yourself if you are ready for this.

 

On a positive note, I really think you and he will work out given some simple reminders of not repeating past mistakes.

[acrossthemiles1]

Sorta concerned that you are creating drama as an outlet for what is really bothering you. A true friend ( which is what a girlfriend should be) would be more supportive and less insulted. It can be a wake up call that you do need to step back and ask yourself if you are ready for this.

What am I supposed to be "supportive" of? The fact that he chose to hang out with his friends instead of me two weekends in a row and that he's only now displaying even an iota of motivation to get together with me after they ditched him?

[amethyste]

I think she was speaking generally.

[acrossthemiles1]

I think she was speaking generally.

In general, I think I'm hugely supportive, and I think he would agree. He even told me once that "out of all the hot chicks he's met, you are the most kind-hearted." I mean, he knows that he can talk to me about anything that's bothering him - even if he is the type to laugh it off rather than discussing it, he still knows I'm there for him.

 

I think one of the reasons this is bugging me so much is because this is the last few weeks of my contract job that's coming to an end in mid-July, and things are incredibly stressful for me - and he's well aware of this - and it really, really would have helped to just have had some time with him to just chill out and relax...and instead he'd rather hold out for his friends, who (inevitably, because his friends are all incredibly flaky) end up wussing out on him in the end.

 

I don't even think it's malicious in nature, it just seems a little thoughtless.

 

Anyway last night we texted back and forth for a bit and when I said I was going to crash out he never texted back - fine, but now I don't know whether to wait for him to initiate contact again or if I should. Like I said, it would really make me feel better if I knew I could spend some time with him next weekend (I'm going to be stressed to the max this week), but I am NOT going to be the one suggesting plans again. I just don't really know how to be explicit about my expectations for shared time together without coming across as clingy or overbearing.

[acrossthemiles1]

So when I texted him last night about my second-round interview for this job I'm applying for (the one I stayed over at his house two Sundays ago)...and he knows how stoked I am about this job, and told me to let him know how things were going...his response to the news was: Nice.

 

That's it.

 

What. the. hell.

[amethyste]

My opinion: let it go. Leave him alone. He doesn't care, he's not as invested as you are. I know it can be very frustrating.

My ex used to talk a lot about seeing each other again, but when I came up with a real plan to visit him, he said: "Mmm... cool."

What the hell indeed. Let it go while you still can.

[acrossthemiles1]

My opinion: let it go. Leave him alone. He doesn't care, he's not as invested as you are. I know it can be very frustrating.

My ex used to talk a lot about seeing each other again, but when I came up with a real plan to visit him, he said: "Mmm... cool."

What the hell indeed. Let it go while you still can.

So, two weeks ago we're taking vacations together, and now it's over? Seriously?

[amethyste]

What else would you like to hear?

You have said this yourself: something's up, he seems more distant, you're not happy about this situation, blah blah.

[acrossthemiles1]

Okay so, my friend outlined one of three possibilities or possibly a combination of two or more as an explanation for his behavior:

 

1) His friends were giving him sh*t about spending too much time with me - which he mentioned they'd been doing at one point or another, either because they're mad that he's not off skating with them on the weekends or because they think after six years he should be "living the single life," who knows - and he was reacting to that.

 

2) He took my subsequent "cooling off" (as I've said before, I'm not going to be unilaterally maintaining contact levels) as a sign of either my outright disinterest, or at least of the fact that I'm crazy super-busy lately - which is somewhat true, and he's A) shy enough and B) inexperienced enough in terms of dating/relationships to not be proactive about contacting me.

 

3) He's doing the pullback thing again, just like John, because things seemed to be getting serious, and because all guys are inherently douchebags.

 

So, her advice in all this is to completely stop initiating plans altogether and wait for him to start suggesting things/times. She says to give it a week - then to just confront him and ask him what the hell is up. Of course, I very carefully maintain this "cool, easygoing, chilled out" attitude towards relationships in general, and towards this one in particular, so I feel like any sort of confrontation will come a little bit out of left field. Although, fine, I still have to bite the bullet.

 

She claims she doesn't think that things are in any way "over" or "on the rocks" between us, but that I just need to give him some space and let him figure himself out (the last time I saw him, he made vague references to "having a lot of sh*t to sort out" in his life...I didn't press him on it, so who knows what that means) and if I just take it easy and leave him be for a bit, he'll come around.

 

Thoughts?

[JadedAmore]

It's hard to say what he's really thinking, but I do believe your friend is right. Lay off for a bit with the making plans and see if he initiates. Instead of driving yourself crazy looking for answers, let them come to you - then you'll see how he really feels.