Unavailable Men and Women and Attraction

[Lita5051]

7 plus weeks of NC and counting!!

 

As I have been reading LS posts and working through my process, I have come to the conclusion that I am, in fact, attracted to unavailable men.

 

This has been the case since I started dating at 13. I would have SUCH a crush on a boy...until he liked me back...and then, like magic, POOF! The attraction would be gone. I can even remember one of my soccer coaches joking with me, saying, "The chase is funner than the kill, huh?"

 

I look at all of my adult relationships...and the ones that lasted the longest were always those that had some sense of unavailability. The men were single, but I wasn't really sure that they were into me or that we had a future.

 

Or, they traveled a lot and kept me guessing, or they didn't always call when they said that they would. THESE are the men I stayed attracted to. And, then my most recent situation with a MM.

 

The men who were crazy for me...well, ehhh. I could take them or leave them.

 

I dated a wonderful guy for about a year, but he was TOO into me, so I broke up with him. The SECOND he started dating again, I wanted him back. When we got back together, I stayed interested, because I was never sure that he was totally able to commit to me the second time around. We eventually broke up because we were not a good match.

 

I really really want to know how to "fix" it. I come from an intact family. My parents were married for 42 years prior to my mother's passing. My Dad was home every night. He came to all of my sporting events and helped me with my homework and ate dinner with us every night.

 

I know that my parents had a deep love for each other. My Dad wasn't super affectionate with my Mom, but I always knew he loved her and us. My Mom was pretty controlling and my Dad was a perfectionist. So, I always felt pressure to be perfect and to not make mistakes.

 

My challenge now, is this...I don't seem to have the normal childhood situation that triggers this type of attraction. And, maybe the root of this problem may not be as important as figuring out how to deal with it now.

 

I want to have a loving, balanced relationship. I want to be attracted to men who are available to me. I just don't feel the same chemistry.

 

I would love to hear any advice or information from men and women who struggle with the same issue.

 

Thanks in advance!

[MissBee]

Welcome to the club...that I have been diligently working to get out of!

 

It was mind blowing to me but when I delineated my dating history...about every man I was involved with was unavailable: whether through him being taken, emotionally unavailable, long distance etc.

 

This could have been my life:

 

This has been the case since I started dating at 13. I would have SUCH a crush on a boy...until he liked me back...and then, like magic, POOF! The attraction would be gone. I can even remember one of my soccer coaches joking with me, saying, "The chase is funner than the kill, huh?"

 

I look at all of my adult relationships...and the ones that lasted the longest were always those that had some sense of unavailability. The men were single, but I wasn't really sure that they were into me or that we had a future.

 

Or, they traveled a lot and kept me guessing, or they didn't always call when they said that they would. THESE are the men I stayed attracted to. And, then my most recent situation with a MM .

 

 

 

I want to have a loving, balanced relationship. I want to be attracted to men who are available to me. I just don't feel the same chemistry.

 

I think how it got to be that way is very important in figuring out how to rewire your mind.

 

For me, although my parents were married, my father cheated a lot, and in his relationship with me, he proved to be very disappointing. Always making promises to do things and never coming through or putting things off indefinitely and saying "Maybe next week", then when it was next week "Maybe next week" or denying he ever agreed to the thing in the first place! My mother was always threatening to leave him, even going as far as to pack her bags, but then she wouldn't go...or he would always be threatening to leave as well. I had no idea that all that stuff affected me and how I formed relationships until recently!

 

I realize that I choose men that are unreliable...who have me on edge and who can never be 100% available, who are disappointing or SOME obstacle: a gf, a job, their personality etc doesn't allow for them to be there for me in the capacity I want.

 

I also realized that if you choose unavailable people it is because you are unavailable yourself in some manner. So although since I was little I always wanted to be married, although I am more of a relationship person etc. a lot of my subconscious behavior has to do with me getting into situations that are a barrier for the intimacy I think I want.

 

Learning what may have caused it, is helping me to work through and change those believes...which is very difficult...but can be done!

 

I always am recommending that baggage reclaim site to people here, because it talks a lot about this subject. you should check it!

[carhill]

My challenge now, is this...I don't seem to have the normal childhood situation that triggers this type of attraction. And, maybe the root of this problem may not be as important as figuring out how to deal with it now.

 

You're looking for a challenge to whet your ego on. You know what a healthy family life is like but there's no challenge, no goal to achieve, no success to revel in if it just falls into your lap. The 'best' things in life are hard-won. Overcome adversity. Face your enemy.

 

The enemy is you.

 

BTDT..... at least you don't have a pissed-away marriage to show for it and a lifetime of 'fixing' broken people. Small victories.

 

Therapy fixed it for me. YMMV. Good luck, signed Beaver Cleaver.

[MissBee]

This subject is something that I'm looking at myself as I too have dated and married one of those men who aren't and can't be really there for me. Yet at the same time a close intimate relationship is something that I've wanted all my life, but other than fleeting moments here and there was not sustainable it's been null and void. I no doubt can attribute my fears to what I experienced growing up. Abuse and a serial cheating father and my mother took him back repeatably. I swore that I would NEVER be in her shoes and I guess I've kept that promise but I've certainly picked just as f'd up situations that were different but just as f'd up. I have often thought that the going back and forth that my mom and dad did screwed me up more than if she had just kicked his ass out. Actually I think it did.

 

Isn't that the worst!

 

How your past and your experiences can stay latent and direct your actions without you even being aware that they are!

 

My mom is like yours and I made the same vow, and I ended up in situations not quite the same but just as effed up. Also, my father haunts me in the faces and behavior of the men I date. It is very sneaky as they don't come waving flags saying hey I am your father, or even look like him but slowly I begin to see that a lot of their behavior mimics the things I dislike about him and then I feel sickened.....

 

Example, I always judged my mother harshly for marrying my father, as before her, he had 2 kids from 2 different women. He was married to neither and the kids were a year a part smh. I felt she was incredibly foolish as that was a red flag. I vowed that I would not be so dumb as to get involved with a man like that. I was slapped upside my head the other day when I realized...ALL the men I have dated and been seriously involved with, save for the last guy I was interested in, had children (well they all only had 1 child)! Now that is not a crime...but I felt it was a bit uncanny that I judged my mom for that, not realizing I was choosing men with similar circumstances. At a certain age it is more normal for singles to already have had children or even a prior marriage but most men my age (whom I don't normally date, which also is something I had to think about that may not just be a regular preference) and in the age range I would date aren't commonly divorcees with children or things of that nature so it was even more weird that I would so happen to find the men in the minority who already had kids! It was appalling!

 

When you start to unravel your patterns and taking a CONSCIOUS look at yourself instead of taking things at face value or not thinking about them at all...you see some very startling things.

Edited June 27, 2011 by MissBee

[Lita5051]

You're looking for a challenge to whet your ego on. You know what a healthy family life is like but there's no challenge, no goal to achieve, no success to revel in if it just falls into your lap. The 'best' things in life are hard-won. Overcome adversity. Face your enemy.

 

The enemy is you.

 

BTDT..... at least you don't have a pissed-away marriage to show for it and a lifetime of 'fixing' broken people. Small victories.

 

Therapy fixed it for me. YMMV. Good luck, signed Beaver Cleaver.

 

I think this is as close to ringing true as anything I have come up with. I used to think my family and my white picket fence life was soooo boring. And, while I may not have a failed marriage or a series of "broken" people in my wake, I find that outside of my work and circle of friends, I don't have much of a life at all! I keep entering into these relationships that I can never "win" and end up alone. THAT is pretty boring!

[carhill]

You caught the cancer at stage zero. Excellent prognosis. Get to stage three or four where I am and the cancer of bitterness and 'habit' tugs at one's elbow. Not healthy. Hope you can find a healthier path.

[wheelwright]

I really really want to know how to "fix" it.

 

My challenge now, is this...I don't seem to have the normal childhood situation that triggers this type of attraction. And, maybe the root of this problem may not be as important as figuring out how to deal with it now.

 

I want to have a loving, balanced relationship. I want to be attracted to men who are available to me. I just don't feel the same chemistry.

 

I would love to hear any advice or information from men and women who struggle with the same issue.

 

Thanks in advance!

 

Maybe a first step is believing you can have both!