Extremely Mixed Signals!!!

[Truly_confused]

I'm new to this forum, so I will give you a rundown of my situation...my girlfriend broke up with me 2 months ago after being together for 3 1/2 years (we started dating when we were 22). This past August we moved in together. For about 3 years, she has wanted nothing more than to get married (and she told me this a lot), but I wasn't ready to and was honest with her about this. She has always been very needy and dependent on me and I was hoping that she would become a little more independent. I had some family issues going on in the fall and was fairly depressed because of it, and she thought it was because of her. Neither of us communicated well about how we were feeling in the fall towards one another, because she was afraid that if she told me she was getting unhappy I would break up with her and I was afraid if I told her when I was happy that she would take it the wrong way and think I wanted to get married. Bottom line is, I wasn't giving her or us the necessary attention in the fall.

 

Anyways, I started feeling a lot better about family issues and us around thanksgiving, and by January I had figured out that she was the girl that I wanted to marry. Turns out that over that same period of time she was really upset and hurt and decided that for her own health she was going to have to emotionally detach herself and try to move on, because I was never going to come around and want to get married, but she didn't tell me about any of this. By mid-January she was telling me that she was unsure about things and finally came out that she wasn't sure about us anymore. I told her that I had figured out that I wanted to marry her, but she said she had been so upset and thought that she was never going to get that, that she had built up a huge wall of anger and resentment towards me and she wasn't sure if she could break down that wall and wasn't sure what was behind it. She said she wanted it to work in her head, but she had gotten herself to the point that she no longer felt it in her heart. We stayed together and tried to work it out until mid-February, but I could tell it wasn't going to work. So the night before Valentines day, she told me that she thought we needed to break up (we each spent a week apart to see how we felt). She said she had put so much emotion into the relationship for so long and couldn't put anymore into it right now and that she needed this right now. She said, if we're meant to be then we will find our way back to one another.

 

I moved out in mid-February and since then things have been a total rollercoaster. Since we broke up, we haven't gone more than 6 days without talking in some form (and after the first few weeks of our break-up, she has initiated all of the calls/e-mails). So for the first few weeks, when we talked or saw each other, she went out of her way to show me that she was perfectly fine and didn't need me and had so many friends, etc. etc., and I did the stupid thing and begged her to come back. However, in the past month, I started playing the "no contact" game and have been getting quite a few calls from her. This past week, she called me and was bawling on the phone and was telling me how depressed and lonely and screwed up in the head she was, but she also told me that she was sorry she called and didn't want me to get the wrong idea. I tried to calm her down and then she asked if I would go get a drink with her. I did, and at the bar (before drinks) she was upset and telling me that I'm the only person that understands her. But, she also told me that she's glad we can get together and both know that it doesn't mean anything. I responded that I was too, and that it wasn't a problem anymore, because I was over her. She started to get upset and told me that she's not over me. I told her my feelings were actually mixed and that I wasn't truley over her. I pointed out to her that she was the one that said we needed to move on, and she said she didn't say that, she said we needed to "try" to move on. Anyways, by the end of the night, she was feeling better and started getting text messages from her new "best" friend (if he's such a best friend, why didn't she ask him to go out with her). I dropped her off and she told me thanks for going out with her, and that I really cheered her up. Long story short, she calls quite a bit (sometimes with really lame excuses for calling), and she says things that make me think she thinking about wanting to get back together, but then she also always make sure that she ends the conversation with something to point out that us talking doesn't mean anything, etc., etc.

 

I'm worried, because this new "best" friend of hers is someone from work who is currently going through a divorce. I don't know him, but I know they've been friends since december or so and I would put money on it that he is trying to work his way into her life by acting like the hurt guy who's wife never paid him any attention and forced him into getting a divorce from her, and that I'm an evil ex-boyfriend that she should stay away from. I know for a fact that she didn't cheat on me...at least physically, but I feel like the last month of our relationship, she was cheating on me emotionally with all of her friends and this new "best" friend (She told me that at the very end of our relationship, she didn't feel like I was her best friends anymore and so she was forced to go make a new best friend). Anyways, over the past week or so, it seems like she calls me all upset and uses me to cheer her up and reminisce about our inside jokes and things we did in the past. She'll make comments like, we can't just hang out as friends because we are ex's, but then today she ended the "cheer up" conversation with "I really hope we can be friends". So what is she doing?!?!? Any ideas? Why would she tell me I'm the only one that understands her and that she's not over me, and then make comments about hoping we can be friends and glad that we can do things without it meaning anything?!??! Any help would be mightily appreciated...sorry for the long post.

[SexiiBluEyez]

I think you should just be straight up with her and tell her to make up her mind. If you would like to be her friend, then let her know--and tell her to just keep it as friendship. If you want to try to work things out again--let her know and see what she has to say. But make sure you also tell her that she can not USE you to make herself feel better when she's feeling down..you're a person too that has feelings. Hope everything works out for you!

[Fedup&givingup]

This is about what you want out of this. She's obviously mixed up. I think she's trying to see how far she can string you along in the even that things don't work out with this other guy.

 

If you want to be treated this way, keep going along for the ride. Otherwise, get off this boat ride.

[Truly_confused]

Thanks for the advice. I definitely agree with the two of you. I didn't say it in my original post, but I definitely want to get back together with her...not this flakey version of her, but the real her. I think the reason I'm having such a hard time getting mad at her is because I know that she is really confused and screwed up in the head right now (I mean come on, she's admitted it to me 6 or 7 times in the past month or so)! I'm not saying that excuses her actions, but it makes it harder for me to get mad at her. Plus, when she calls and is all upset and wants to talk to me and is saying all of these things about me being the only one that understands her, etc, etc, without realizing it, I find myself having fallen back into comforting her since it is what I did as her boyfriend for so long. Over the past week, she's gotten to have her cake and eat it to, and I can't keep letting her do that. As hard as it is for me to do it, I think the best thing for me to do is to let her hit rock bottom. Otherwise, why would she ever change this cycle of having a good time with her friends, getting to be single, but still getting the emotional support from her ex-boyfriend. On a side note, I think it's really funny that she calls me when she's upset, needs help, or is lonely, and not her new "best" friend...sounds like a great best friend!

 

Anyways, here's my plan, tell me what you guys think...the next time I see her (which is going to be in the next week or so), I am going to be honest with her and tell her:

1.) I'm worried about you and think it might help if you went and talked with a psychologist (I'm doing this right

now, so it wouldn't be a blind recommendation and she has seen one briefly in the past).

2.) While I love you and love to be there for you and comfort you when you're down, I can't just be your friend. I

will always be there for you if you really need to talk or need help, but this doesn't mean you can call me for

support every day, every week, or even every month. I would love to do all of these things again for you, but

only if it was as your boyfriend or husband. Otherwise, you need to be turning to your other friends for this

emotional support.

3.) Along the same lines, I would love to be your friend, but only if I'm your best friend and also your

boyfriend/husband.

 

What do you guys think? Anything you would add or say differently? General thoughts or feelings?

[Fedup&givingup]

Ok, after glossing this over, it's a start for you. She's doing what she's doing because she knows she can.

 

Again, it's about you, and what you are willing to tolerate. I seriously think she is stringing you along until she's cinched something with this other guy.

[Truly_confused]

Well, I got some additional info from a friend last night. It turns out my ex told some stuff to someone that she probably never expected to get back to me, but that person told a friend of mine and now it got back to me. And, it turns out that you are partially right Fedup&givingup...

 

About four weeks ago, my ex ran into this person and this person commented on my ex looking nice. This person said, "What are you all dressed up for?" and my ex said, "Well, I'm going out tonight...I'm kinda seeing someone." And this person said, "Oh, that's cool...so I saw you and *** [Truly_confused] driving together the other day." to which my ex replied "Yeah, *** [Truly_confused] and I are not getting back together."

 

So, my guess is that she is/was dating the "best" friend that is currently going through a divorce. So, a couple of mondays ago when she asked me to go out with her and she was all upset and telling me she wasn't over me and she started getting text messages from this "best" friend, this would explain why he texted her 3 times and then called her instantly...because she probably told him she was out with me and he got worried...so, I'm thinking she used me to get back at this guy for something that he did or said, while at the same time making sure that I hadn't gone anywhere.

 

This would make sense time-wise as she was all upbeat and seemed to be doing fine about a month ago. Now however, she's calling me a lot and is telling me how upset and depressed and lonely she is, and how I am the only one that understands her, etc, etc. I would bet that this guy said something she didn't want to hear (maybe "I'm confused about things" or maybe he and his wife are talking about getting back together...I don't know...but something happened to make her start calling all the time...she's called me 5 times in the past 2 days...2 times last night...I didn't answer). I guess it turns out the grasses isn't greener!

 

So I'm supposed to see her next week some time and I think I'm going to tell her that I know they have been dating and that I don't appreciate her using me for emotional support and her stringing me along just in case they don't work out. I'm also going to suggest that she go see a pyschologist (since she's constantly talking about how she's messed up in the head and "jokingly" talking about killing herself...not very funny). And, I'm going to tell her that since we broke up, we need to not talk for a while. I'm going to try not to be an a**hole or anything, but I am going to be blatantly honest with her about things.

 

What do you guys think? Any thoughts on what I'm planning on saying? Also, I know this is the wrong time to be thinking about this, but I do still really love her...do you think that this is the type of situation that could still work out down the road? I mean, she didn't cheat on me, and we are broken up, so she can date anyone she wants...I guess the main issue here is that she lied to me several times about seeing anyone and kept stringing me along in case it didn't work out with this "best" friend. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Becks84]

I think you've got it all figured out and hardly need our advice. You seem so patient and kind, with all the right words. She is crazy to give you up. You totally came around, with the whole ready for marriage thing, and I can't believe she would say it might be too late. I really feel there is still hope for you two getting back together. I can't see it ending on these terms. She is clearly not ready to let go. She is playing such childish games and should begin to act her age. I think what you are planning on saying to her is perfect! There is nothing wrong with seeking help from a professional to sort things out. I would reccomend the same to her. Tell her exactly what you hope for and want with her. You have nothing to lose. And tell her you don't want anything less and you are much better for her than this new best friend. There's no reason for her to be confused. She needs to stop thinking so much and go back where she belongs. You definitley need to confront her about her "dating" this new best friend. I totally agree with everything you are doing. Good for you. And I truly hope things work out the way you want them to! Keep us posted!

[Truly_confused]

Thanks for the support Becks84. How long should I not talk to her? Obviously, like I said, I'm still in love with her and despite her lying to me about this, I still want to get back together with her down the road. I know many people will think I'm insane for saying that (and I might be), but I'm just that in love with her, and while I don't excuse her actions, I do know that she is very confused and scared right now and as an insecure person is trying to find someone to cling to that will comfort her (at least temporarily). I'm not going to let her use me, and I'm sure as hell not going to be a backup plan...that's why I'm going to tell her that and also tell her that we need to not talk for a while, at least until she and I have had some time to seriously be broken up...not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well...and she's had the opportunity to see what it is really like to be without me...meaning NO talking at all...no running to me for emotional support when she's lonely or upset...basically, as much as it hurts me to do this, I think I need to let her hit rock bottom. Right?

 

So how long do I not talk to her? I'm not looking for a magic number, but just a suggestion of maybe what has worked for some of you in the past. Am I insane for wanting to get back together with her down the road? I feel that way right now since many of my friends and family are telling me I should tell her to F*** off. I don't know. Somebody please help! SexiiBluEyez and Fedup&givingup, what do you guys think?

[Becks84]

I think it's a good idea to let her hit rock bottom, like you said. Just cut off the communication for a couple of weeks...I think you'll just know when it's been long enough. And no, you're not crazy for still wanting to be with her. Your heart is still with her and will be for some time. Totally natural.

Best of luck...keep us posted

[Truly_confused]

Well, I went over and talked with my ex this weekend. She had called me 5 times in two days last week, saying she was "worried about my grandmother" (she recently went into the hospital and I really do appreciate her being worried). I hadn't called her back, as I was mad at her because I felt like she had lied to me about not seeing anybody (see my previous posts), and she was upset because I hadn't called her back and didn't understand why I hadn't. Anyways, I went over on Saturday and told her that I couldn't do this right now (i.e. be there for her when she's upset, depressed, lonely, etc.), especially in light of the fact that she's dating someone else. She then swore up and down and left and right that she is not dating this guy and that they are only friends and hang out, and was all upset because she felt like I was probably complaining about her to my family and friends because she's dating this guy when she isn't. So, I don't really know what to believe...the person I heard this from wasn't completely sure of what my ex had exactly said, but did know that she said something to the effect that she was sorta seeing someone...but my ex swears up and down that she is not and that it would be ridiculous for them to date seeing the situations they are both in (her breaking up with me and him getting a divorce from his wife). So, I have NO CLUE who or what to believe!

 

Anyways, I told her that I couldn't do this right now, and that it wasn't fair to me for her to call me when she is upset or lonely and needs me to cheer her up...and she agreed that it was unfair. I told her that while I want to be her friend, I can't settle for anything less than best friends and a relationship...to which she was shaking her head no. I don't understand her at all. I told her it isn't fair to me because I get really excited when I talk to her, followed by a big let down afterwards because I know we aren't together. She told me that she gets really excited when she talks to me or knows she's going to get to talk to me too...and told me that she's not over me. What the HELL is she doing?!?!?!? She kept apologizing for us breaking up and saying that she just "had to do it". And by "had to do it", I think she means she had to because she was making herself sick (upset stomach, headache, etc) towards the end of our relationship due to her thinking it was never going to work out and being so mad at me for how I had acted in the fall (i.e. I didn't give her or our relationship enough attention because I was depressed...and I admit that I didn't and have admitted that to her many times). So, I don't know what to do...she and I were both upset about the situation and she feels like I'm the only one that understands her and she's not over me and she gets all excited to talk to me...but, she doesn't want to get back together...I just don't know if she means right now, or if she means ever. I feel like if she meant ever, she would just tell me that, but I don't know. She said she's trying really hard to be my friend and that I just won't let her. But, should I try to just be her friend or is this only enabling her? It's absolutely ridiculous that we're both sitting around many night wanting to be doing things with one another but not doing things together...why doesn't all of this stuff she is telling me MEAN ANYTHING TO HER!!!

 

So, I don't know if I did the right thing or not...on the one hand, I feel like she was using me for when she needed to be cheered up, and it made me mad after I heard that she had supposedly told someone that she was kinda seeing someone...but, on the other hand, I wonder if I started to just be her friend again, if that would be the base for starting over and building up a relationship again from the ground floor...sort of regaining her trust that I am serious about what I want. On the other other hand, being her friend could just enable her to continue what she's doing and start to think of me as only a friend, while not talking to her for a while might truly make her realize the extent that she misses me. I feel like she needs to get mad and me at let some of that anger and resentment towards me out, but I'm not sure how to help her do that...and she refuses to go see a professional to talk about her stresses, etc. I suggested that she go see someone and she doesn't have a problem, but is just stressed. What she doesn't seem to understand (or want to understand) is that a psychologist could help her deal with all of these stresses in her life...she would actually have someone to talk to about all of these stresses and they could help her deal with them!

 

I don't know...any ideas or suggestions? Do you guys think I've done the right thing? Part of me REALLY wants to just say screw it...tell her she's too important of a person for you to not have her in your life and just be her friend and see what happens...but the other part says that not talking to her at all for a while will work better. I definitely didn't cut off communication for good...I just told her that I couldn't do this right now and that I would give her a call at some point...and she said she understood where I was coming from...so what's your opinion???

[Truly_confused]

Anybody? Suggestions? How long should I not talk to her? Is it better to just do things with her every now and then as friends and talk on the phone in hopes of her realizing that she wants to be with me, or will she have a better chance of realizing that if I don't talk to her for a while? Keep in mind, I've played the no contact game and she started calling me again. She's still telling me that she's still mad at me, but she won't talk about it or get her anger out. How do I help her get that anger out? I wish she would just yell at me about all of the things that she didn't yell at me about when we were together.

 

I'm glad that she's thinking of me and coming to me for support, but it needs to mean something...otherwise, she's just using me and I can't have that. I'm just afraid if I don't talk to her for too long, she's going to turn to some other guy for emotional support and end up falling for him instead of realizing that she wants to be with me. Such a catch 22...any thoughts?

[Becks84]

Wow, this is a toughy. I would have to personally know her to suggest what I think you should be doing. All situations and all people are different. I think you should tell her what you said about yelling at you now for everything in the past they she kept in. If only she hadn't kept it all in and let all of that resentment build up and ruin your relationship. I believe that is truly what did the most damage. I recently read a book that talked a great deal about how when we keep things in, resentment builds up inside to the point where it ruins relationships, and even when our partner does truly want to fix things or work on it or do exactly what we had been waiting for, it's like it's too late, because all of that resentment took us too far away from our partner emotionally. It's really very interesting and I believe it is totally true. ANYWAYS, you really need to just follow your heart, as the old saying goes. I don't think you should put any time limits on any of this or anything along those lines. I think you should do what feels right. Maybe only talk to her as long as it's not hurting you, like as long as you are sure she's not just using you to be there for her. Only hang out with her if it won't hurt you to be hanging out with her only as friends. You need to worry about yourself first and foremost now. There is only so much worrying you can do about her. It will only do so much good to care with all of your heart. She needs to meet you half way. But when it comes to yourself, it's all up to you, it's all in your control. I also think you two need to sit down and talk honestly about your feelings. No more of these mixed signals and all of the confusion. It's enough to drive a person crazy! Have you tried telling her this? Tell her to say exactly what she means and mean exactly what she says! Even if it may hurt you, you need to know. Best of luck! Keep us posted.

~BECKS