katy_katt Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 My bf and I have been together for almost three months and things have been incredible, up until a few weeks ago. You see, his best friend had been dating this girl when we first met, and they 'officially' broke up a couple of weeks ago. Since then, his friend has been included in nearly everything we do, he comes over on Sunday mornings when it's our little time in bed (he lives in the same building), and worst of all...my bf and I don't talk the way we used to, since he's able to sit and talk with his friend the same way. I didn't mind at first, but this weekend I mentioned something about going out and going for a walk or something (while his friend was there) and my bf very non-commitally said "We'll see." Ten minutes later his friend asked if he wanted to go climbing and he was all over it. I didn't have the right shoes, euipment, or money for it so I ended up going home and spent a beautiful day calling up people to see if they wanted to do anything with me. He said he'd call me later but when five hours went by and I hadn't heard from him, I phoned him and he was at his friend's place watching a movie. I know I need to discuss this with him, but I'm not sure how to approach the subject without sounding too whiny or needy (I'm still in that stage where I'm worried about how I come off to him). They've been good friends for about ten years, and he's told me that they usually hang out together that much. I realize that guys need their time together too, but how much is too much? Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 hmmmm.....maybe there's another way around it. Got any single female friends? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katy_katt Posted April 21, 2004 Author Share Posted April 21, 2004 Ha ha! Tried that, but I only have one and she doesn't conform to the standards he has set out. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 I think you need to be very careful here. You've been going out for 3 months and he and his friend have been mates for 10 years. If his friend is in a bad way over his break up then he may feel he's doing what a good friend should do, but then again you say that he told you that he and his friend usually hang out this much. Maybe they're making up for lost time now that his friend is single? However, I do think you have a right to expect that your boyfriend spends time with you alone and if he says he'll call he should do so. Also, while his friend was seeing this girl it sounds like he wasn't spending so much time with your boyfriend - therefore you got the time. And now his friend is single your boyfriend may just be thinking that he wants to live the single life again. This doesn't put you high up his list of priorities. If you are really concerned about this then I would suggest you cut him a lot of slack. Say something like, "It seems like your friend really needs you right now so when you feel like he's sorted and you've got enough time back in your life for me give me a call.". The obvious risk in doing that is that he doesn't call. Best you find out before another 3 months goes by, don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katy_katt Posted April 21, 2004 Author Share Posted April 21, 2004 Ok well...one of the good things I've noticed about our relationship so far is that if there's a problem we can address it rationally. I went over to his place last night. Things were great between us as usual, so I wasn't sure if I should bring up how I felt or if I was just being silly. He was telling me that he suddenly just got transferred (he found out on Monday) and there were other changes happening in his life. I eventually did bring it up and told him what I thought might have been going on between him and his friend, and he said I was 100% correct. His other reasoning as to how things had changed was that he felt we were getting too involved with each other and becoming isolated from other people. He didn't want an extremely intense relationship too fast because it might turn out to be unhealthy. He reminded me that when we first met he told me that he could be hot and cold at times, never anything to get worried about because it was just the way he is. As for the phone thing, he simply forgot. It was a one-time thing so it's easy to let it go. I realized, once he said all that, I'd been feeling the same way. There were times when we were spending four days together and by the end of the last day we were sort of bickering at each other. In my experience I would meet someone and we'd spend all this time together and it usually ended up being bad...you know, a lot of fighting or not having anything to say to one another, and me wishing I could just have some time to myself. And I used to wonder if things had been different if we hadn't gone so fast. So to me it made a lot of sense. I just kinda wish he would've talked to me about it before deciding that this was the course we were going to take. The thing I'm pondering now though is that this is such a new thing for me...I'm not sure how to take it. I was thinking of breaking up with him but I also see this as a possible way for me to learn something new from this, and so I'd like to stick with it. I'm also going through some changes in my life...I'm almost finished school for the summer and I'd like to work on finding a job and perhaps trying to find some friends here, since I moved here for school and don't really have people to hang out with just yet. Anyway, I hope it's for the best...something casual, yet we still have feelings for each other. Link to post Share on other sites
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