In love and an emotional wreck!!

[BlondeBaby]

I have been seeing this guy I work with for about a year. It started out very casual but now I am in love with him. Of course, he doesn't feel the same way. I know he cares for me deeply but he really only sees me as someone to have a good time with. He is going overseas for 6 months for work soon and has some personal issues to work through; basically he is too distracted to make a commitment. Either that or he just doesn't think we are romantically compatible.

 

I am just so frustrated and hurt by the situation, and have been an emotional wreck for the past few months. I cry myself to sleep almost every night and although I try to keep it all fun and light whenever I see him, I have snapped at him or thrown a tantrum on an increasing number of occasions. Last night I had too much to drink and got myself completely worked up over absolutely nothing. I am lucky that he is very easy going and forgiving and he never seems to take it personally. However, I worry that he is finding my moods a turn off. My petulance is linked to growing resentment of him not taking things to the next level. I think he knows this, but still he does nothing.

 

I never knew what it was like to feel lonely before I met him. Although he makes me feel absolutely amazing every time we meet, the depths of my depression seem bottomless when he is not around and I am faced with the reality of his emotional absence. I have tried to break it off but it is too hard when I see him at work every day. I know it seems melodramatic, but I just don't know how much longer I can go without killing myself over this pain. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[befuddled11]

SO this past year that you've been hanging out and having "fun" together.....has that included sex? If so, do you have sex on a regular basis?

 

What is the extent of the time you spend together? Do you spend weekends together? Do you spend time together a few times a week? (weeknights)

[bluechocolate]

It's difficult to know where to start here - I think you need to talk to this man and find some things out.

 

Of course, he doesn't feel the same way. I know he cares for me deeply but he really only sees me as someone to have a good time with.

 

Do you KNOW this because you've talked about it with him? If this is true and it is not enough for you then you should move on. Why torture yourself longer?

 

basically he is too distracted to make a commitment. Either that or he just doesn't think we are romantically compatible.

 

Which one is it? Only he can tell you that and you need to ask.

 

However, I worry that he is finding my moods a turn off. My petulance is linked to growing resentment of him not taking things to the next level. I think he knows this, but still he does nothing.

 

I don't think you need to worry that he is finding your mood swings a turn off - that, I'm afraid, is a given.

 

....but still he does nothing.

 

What do you want him to do? What is it that you want from him? You have to figure that out and then ask him for it. If he's can't fulfil your needs then you have to let him go.

 

I never knew what it was like to feel lonely before I met him.

 

This is a distressing statement. You shouldn't feel lonely in a relationship - this doesn't sound healthy to me. You also talk about depths of depression and thoughts of suicide. I don't think you should be looking for help from an internet forum - have you considered seeing a counsellor? I think you should.

 

I hope things work out for you.

[BlondeBaby]

Befuddled: We started a sexual relationship about 6 months ago and have been having actual intercourse (for lack of a better term) for about 3 months. Gee, it's about 3 months ago that I started falling in love - what a coincidence! I see him every weekday at work, and we hang out after work maybe twice a week. I go over to his place maybe every 3rd weekend and stay over. I hope that clarifies the situation, I would love your advice!

 

Bluechocolate: Yes, I have talked to him about this. He's not a great communicator (or probably just scared of saying the wrong thing or making a promise he can't keep), so it's difficult to extract the important stuff. Although he just wants me for a good time now, I hope that this will change and his feelings will grow like mine have. You're right that he's not fulfilling my needs but sometimes I think it is better to have him brighten up part of my life than not not have ANY of my needs met. At least I'm not sexually frustrated!!

 

I should also say that I'm not truly suicidal, I guess I am distressed and overanalysing everything and exasperated. I believe the members of LoveShack can help me. Both of you have already.

[BlondeBaby]

Please, I'd like some more advice/opinions on this situation. I am feeling really alone here. Please help!

[befuddled11]

Ahh, so you 2 ARE intimate. Well that explains a lot.

 

The guy is using you, and you're allowing it.

 

Ever heard the expression, "have your cake and eat it too?"

 

To him you're a "friend with benefits." He gets his rocks off whenever he wants it, he knows you'll always be there for him because he KNOWS how you feel about him....he can hang with you whenever he wants, with no strings or commitment attached.

 

Why would he even WANT to make any kind of commitment to you? He's got the best arrangement possible now. He's free to do as he pleases, see other women if he wants to, sleep with other women if he wants to, do whatever he wants whenever he wants......no responsibility to you, nothing. And YOU are allowing this.

 

He likely thinks he's died and gone to heaven. He likely also thinks you're very naive to his "game."

 

Why would you give yourself up to someone who won't make a commitment to you? Do you realize how you're being used?

 

Would he still want to hang out with you if you suddenly told him "no more sex"? Nope. Don't believe me? Try it.

 

Instead of feeling discouraged and depressed, you should feel angry, used and choked at yourself for giving all that you do to someone who has no intention of giving anything back.

 

It's hard because you have to face him at work everyday, but for goodness sake, stop giving him the "perks" of a relationship (the companionship, SEX) when a relationship is not at all what he wants..and has made that clear. WHy would he even want that, when he's got the perfect, no-strings arrangement now?

[BlondeBaby]

It's pretty obvious really.

 

I guess I just think that I will lose out too if I stop sleeping with him. I don't think that holding off on sex will make him want to commit to me. We will still remain friends (it sounds naive but we have a very good working and social relationship, outside of sex - he calls me all the time just to chat), but the difference will be is that I don't have a sex life anymore.

 

I don't know, maybe I'd rather be miserable at night but still have a bit of excitment rather than taking the sex out of our relationship and being just as frustrated, only in a different way. Or maybe I am just fooling myself??

 

It's a sad state of affairs that a person would want infrequent sex over the intimacy of a relationship (I think I would be more open to experimental sex in a relationship too - so he's missing out!). I don't UNDERSTAND.