Torn Between Family and Boyfriend with Some Complications and Racism Thrown In

[boosh89]

I've been lurking here for a while, even have some threads bookmarked, in an attempt to gather advice for my problem. Things have come to a head, though, and I truly need help now for my specific situation.

 

My boyfriend, who is two years' younger than me, and I love each other very much. We began as best friends 2 years ago and began dating 10 months ago. It doesn't seem like that much time for two people to get to know each other, but I feel very strongly about him. We've gone through serious rough patches only the two of us (and my brother, whom I'm very close to) know about, but in the end, we've always supported each other 110%. These were the experiences that proved to me that he's in this relationship for more than the superficial reasons my parents think he is. We've talked of marriage and our future together and are extremely happy in every aspect (realistically and romantically)

 

My parents are first-generation Chinese immigrants to the U.S.. I know they worked extremely hard to climb the "social ladder" to where we are now. I live a comfortable lifestyle and don't remember the "hard childhood" my parents remind me I had in our earlier years here. I am extremely grateful for their upbringing and support, and I was never a troublesome child until recently. I took everything my parents said as inarguable truths, and I never rebelled, even when I disagreed. Instead, I always took the coward's route and told white lies to get what I wanted (ie, going out late, needing some extra cash).

 

With my parents' blessing (and possible sub-conscious prodding), I decided to pursue a career in medicine early on. I worked hard toward this and earned a full scholarship to college and guaranteed admission to a good medical school, both in my city, upon graduating high school. At first, my parents wanted me to stay in a condo on my own in an area close to my college and medical school. This worked extremely well for the first two and a half years of college; I had the freedom to move about whenever I wanted, and, embarrassingly, I didn't have to pay for anything other than my own food, which I did by working and by saving outside scholarship money. I took advantage of this freedom and lost my parents' trust when I consistently missed their daily calls. When my family moved to a house close to school, they insisted I move back in with them until I graduate medical school four years from now.

 

That was a year and a half ago, and we still have a lot of problems. I'm still not used to asking to go out somewhere, though I do so without complaint because I understand that it's their house, their rules. I also didn't complain when my parents required me to give them access to my online bank statements so they can watch my spending and to link my savings account with theirs, despite the fact that all the money in all my accounts was 100% earned by me only. I don't usually talk back period.

 

One of the major experiences my boyfriend really helped me through recently was my emotional breakdown about my upcoming year in medical school. I didn't know if I wanted to still be a doctor anymore since I loved my experience as a teacher's aide. I didn't know if I could compete with my high-achieving future classmates. Most of all, I didn't know if I could succeed and make my family proud. My boyfriend calmly sat with me and talked to me for hours about this, ensuring me that I could be whatever I want, and he would still support me. I was still unsure, though a little calmer, so I approached my parents about the idea of me not going to medical school after all since I wasn't sure if it was right for me. I wasn't expecting a supportive reaction but at least a rational one. Instead, the only reaction I received was: "You can't not be a doctor. If you're not a doctor, you won't amount to anything." That was the end of that discussion. That moment threw me in a pretty deep depression. After a lot more time, my boyfriend helped me think things through, even rationalizing my parents' reaction. Long story short, I'll still be pursuing a medical career.

 

After this experience, I finally told my parents I was dating my boyfriend (even though we were dating for a while before). I thought long and hard before telling my overprotective parents that I was dating but decided to do so because my boyfriend was increasingly becoming an important part of my life. Immediately, without ever speaking to my boyfriend or even meeting him, they said they do not approve because he is Vietnamese. In our Chinese culture, it is an extremely shameful thing because "Vietnamese people are lazy and two-faced." However, they also say they will not stop me from seeing him because they know I need experience in dating (even though they know I've had previous boyfriends). Both my parents hate him for his race, but it's mostly my mom who vocalizes things like:

"Vietnamese people are below us. You're going to be so successful. Why settle for someone beneath you?"

"I've told all our relatives you're dating a Vietnamese boy, and they all beg me to change your mind."

"If you marry him, don't bother coming to see me anymore. Don't even come to my funeral."

"Do not call him your boyfriend. He is just a friend."

"Do not bring him to my house. He is not welcome in this family ever."

 

She periodically brings him up, and for the first time ever, I talk back. I do my best to remain respectful. Each time she says things like this, I tell her I respect that she has her own opinions but that I can't live my life based on her values. I hold up very well against her as she yells at me, but as soon as the argument is over, I head upstairs to cry. My boyfriend knows her opinion of him, and while it bothers him that he can't ever win her approval simply because of his culture, he knows the stereotypes my mom clings to are not true. He only gets upset because he sees that the things my mom says upset me so much.

 

So far, I've been able to put off having to make that inevitable choice between parents and my boyfriend. However, things exploded today when my parents found out my boyfriend and I have had sex. Virginity has always been highly valued in our culture, and I was always told to keep my virginity until marriage. I put off sleeping with my boyfriend because I was conflicted about the ideals from my upbringing and what I felt. He never pressured me and wanted to make absolute certain that I truly was ready.

 

Needless to say, my parents were extremely angry at me. They called me cheap, compared to a prostitute, and said they can never look at me the same way. I apologized for disappointing them but I also said that I did not feel like I debased myself nor was I sorry for losing my virginity. I pointed out that I had grown up not only in a different country but also during a different time period than them. I also told them that I understood that they care deeply about me but that I was an adult who can make adult decisions and mistakes. They told me that this was a mistake I was not allowed to make and that I was not allowed to make my own decisions yet. The last part completely threw me off, and I had to ask them to repeat and explain.

 

The argument got even worse. They said my boyfriend must be a pervert for pushing me to have sex with him. I told them that it was my decision and that he never pushed me. So they started accusing me of throwing myself to any boy I meet. They then said they will not prevent me from dating him but that I needed to start to distance myself from him because they now hate him on a more personal level. They told me that the next argument I have with him, I better not try to fix things. I told them I could not promise that at all. My dad said he guarantees that we'll break up within four years. I told him if we do, it'll be because of something between the two of us and nothing to do with family. Finally, my mom told me my boyfriend cannot come to my medical school entrance ceremony or else she won't go. She asked me to choose, repeatedly, who I wanted to have there. I repeatedly told her it was an important event in my life so I want everyone who's important to me, including her and my boyfriend, to be there. She flat-out refused and said that I was now choosing my boyfriend over her.

 

I've been thinking about moving out for a while now, both for the privacy I need for medical school and for the freedom to see my boyfriend without having to tiptoe around my parents. This time, though, I refuse to live on my parents' dime. However, my parents are firmly against it, saying that I was not an adult and could only move out after I have my own career. They won't even let me take out loans to pay for my school; my mom will pay for two years, and I pay the rest and return the money to my mom later interest-free. I've already talked to them about how this makes me uncomfortable, but they will not yield. I am thankful that my mom is willing to help me out, and I can see the advantages for staying at home for school. But the price to pay is not only my boyfriend but my values, my freedom, and my sense of self. I have spent a great deal of time educating myself on loans, insurance costs, and other practical issues so I am not jumping completely blind.

 

I value my family highly because I am incredibly grateful for everything they have provided and continue to provide. But I feel that staying at home will only strain our relationship because I am unable to tolerate their racism, their closemindedness, their lack of respect, and their conditions. I do not want to take their hospitality, knowing that I could not promise I would not marry my boyfriend. I realize that time is not on my side here because my boyfriend and I have not dated for long, but I feel that right now I'm standing up for everything I have. Ideally, if I moved out, I would do so with my parents' blessing and support. However, I feel that if I leave at this point, I would symbolically be choosing my boyfriend over my parents, which is something both my boyfriend and I want to avoid.

 

I have the support of all my other closest relatives, including my cousin, my brother, and my maternal grandmother (who is constantly verbally and emotionally abused by my mom), and all my friends who know him, no matter what I choose. I am just conflicted with how I should proceed and how to settle this with my parents. I love all the advice this forum gives to others, and I'm hoping some insightful people can help me out as well.

 

Thanks for reading this super long post.