kittycat95 Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 I decided to keep a "NC journal" on this thread rather than post all over the place. Today marks the first day I've tried to not contact him. He pretty much blocked my cell number and in no uncertain terms told me to stay the **** away from him after I said some mean things to him. This whole story started about a month ago, and well, even longer than that. I'm going to use this space as a place to vent my feelings, write about my progress (hopefully) and just have a space for others feeling the same thing to chime in as well, if they'd like. I'm hoping to heal...and guess there's no where to go but up from here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kittycat95 Posted June 28, 2011 Author Share Posted June 28, 2011 Sometime last night before I fell asleep I tried to tell myself, that I owed it to myself to be the best possible version of ME that I can be. So I began to think of things I could do for my own self-improvement. I had this sensation of pulling into myself, and doing things that will contribute to my own peace of mind and happiness, and it all coming from me. I've been lucky that I wasn't exactly physically with my ex before we started breaking up because I'm sure it would be a whole lot harder on me. In fact we went out on one day date a month ago and the week after that when we broke up was particularly bad because we had kissed and the physical touch made me miss him so much. Guys, my ex has been pulling away, breaking it off with me, pushing me away, on a regular basis for as long as I have known him. In times when he was particularly mean he would tell me he wanted to break up with me 4 years ago right after he met me but that he felt sorry for me. Well this is a load of bs, because he would *also* say how I'm his queen, the love of his life, and he would do anything for me, etc. In short, the man was really fickle in his affections, and I think over time this behavior just began to make me more and more insecure about how he really felt about me. I mean, I can't even blame myself, when I think about this - how can I be anything but clingy and act desperate when one day he loves me and one day he hates me. I am not okay with that arrangement. I tried so hard to make it work because I love him. I wouldn't listen when he wanted to keep leaving and I would hold on, apologize, try to make it work, whatever it took. He would actually thank me after the fact, would say he was sorry things got so dramatic and thank you for not giving up. god, lol I would say the pattern of breaking up and making up began to happen at a more accelerated rate begining this past February. It's like he totally didn't care anymore about my feelings, he just totally shut off. It drove me insane. We didn't speak for a period of two weeks in May and we decided to make it work together when we came home, but that didn't happen because he again got overly sensitive at something I said and stonewalled me, which made me try desperately to reach him and he just pulled away even more... Fast forward to a week ago when he says to me, after i haven't really contacted him, that he wants to be with me and he can take anything I dish out. Really? Because a few days after that when I texted you and asked for clarification and said I was confused, because I thought you hated my guts, you acted with coldness towards me, prompting me to send some mean messages I'm not proud of. Which ultimately resuletd in me getting blocked on his phone and here we are today. He says to leave him the **** alone, and that I make him sick, and I've never done anything for him. Guys, when this guy was struggling with depression, academic issues, family issues, even his drug abuse issues, I was there for him. Now I feel I was there too much because he just associates me with the bad times. So I'm trying to see this as a positive thing. Maybe it's a good thing that he blocked me because now I can stop trying to have hope that things will just change. I mean they haven't CHANGED in a long time, why do I keep expecting each day will be the day he finally calls me and admits he's been wrong, and actually does right by me. The worst is that I reacted really badly in the end, was mean, acted in a way I'm not proud of and that isn't me at all, and now that's the way that he sees me. Anything I did good as a girlfriend for him is just flushed down the drain. So I feel a deep sense of sadness and regret over that fact alone. So it doesn't matter if he comes back or doesn't come back (if he does, that will probably start the cycle over again because he won't change) but he's made it absolutely certain he does not want to have a relationship with me. I can't change that fact, I can't change his mind or his heart, and I can't keep trying like I have in the past because at this point he just laughs at me and says I am wasting my time. So I'm unhooking my tendrils now and just trying to drift away. I won't deny it's extremely hard but I'm going to use whatever resource I have. Journaling, working out, chatting with a support group, throwing myself into work and school, you name it. It's tough because it's the summertime. Every day is beautiful and every day is also very lonely. But I can't stop living just because my heart is broken. I owe it to myself to be the best version of me that I can be, to be genuinely happy, to be peaceful, and to enjoy my life. Maybe I don't have love in my life right now .... but maybe it's better to be alone than to be with someone who loves me on a part time basis anyway. It's not healthy for me or for him. Maybe someday in the future love will happen to me again. I'm certainly very open to the possibility. In the meantime, I'm a work in construction. Today is officially Day One of NC because yesterday I stopped speaking to him halfway through the day when I sent a goodbye email. One step at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
calndn Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 Like you said...one step at a time! He sounds a little like my ex, parts of what you said I could have said myself. Although my story is slightly different but I also got the stay the **** away from me, oh and told me I was a disgrace but this was after something he did not me! I had months of emotional abuse after my break up. Split 8 months ago but he's been bk in my life up until end of march, up and down like a yoyo telling me contradicting things and I spent the whole time not knowing where I stood. He broke it off with me because he didn't want a relationship. I'm feeling much better now, 3 months ago I was having suicidal thoughts but now I'm feeling better. I took it one step at a time it's all you can do. I know how you feel, but if he contacts you you will be back wondering what he wants where you stand etc. It's good if he doesn't, not until you are strong enough to say no anyway. I know it's all you want, that pride of him txting you but trust me if you remain nc you will heal. You don't want only a part of him to care you want all of him to care...don't settle for less. Xxxx Link to post Share on other sites
Author kittycat95 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Share Posted June 29, 2011 I sent him a 2 word email. I simply said "Miss you." So I guess I broke NC. Almost made it through the entire day too Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 kittykat you will be fine, its extremely difficult to do NC cold... i have broken reopened broken and reopened contact no contact so many times, its ok. Guess what she responds to all of them instantly. Im finally going on day 10 NC after a month of being broken up. It is still a work in progress and its SO EASY to email that its retarded. But you have to avoid email like the plague. Talk to your friends everytime you decide to do something stupid like break NC, my friends will yell at me and punch me in the face if I do it because she is a dumb whore and doesn't deserve me. I am starting to realize this Link to post Share on other sites
Author kittycat95 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Share Posted June 29, 2011 thanks for making me laugh wilson unfortunately i don't think he will respond (he hasn't yet) since he told me the other day that he won't waste another "breath" or was it second? on me. blaaaaaaaah Link to post Share on other sites
calndn Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 My ex when he told me to stay away from him (that makes me sound like I followed him which I didn't he initiated contact again and wanted to see me!) but anyway after he told me allthese horrid things....6 weeks later after total nc I see him in the pub, we talk and he ends up asking if I'd spend the following evening with him! Joke! They say they don't want to waste their time but like your ex changing his mind in your relationship quite a lot (like mine did towards the end) they probably will always end up changing their mind but you've got to remember that if he suddenly wanted you back, a few weeks/months later he will probably change his mind again...it happened to me too many times for me to let that happen again xxxx Link to post Share on other sites
Rory12345 Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 kittycat95, NC is very difficult, so well done for managing to stick with it for a little while. Take it step by step, you are trying to get over a "drug" addiction. The ride won't be easy but there is an end. Keep yourself busy and try to keep your mind of your ex (far easier to say then do, I still think of mine.) Aim to be the best person possible. Take up something you've always wanted to do but never have, I took up piano and the saxophone! Start loving yourself, you deserve it. You have LS as well when ever you feel down or rubbish which is a brilliant help. Regards, Rory Link to post Share on other sites
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