I am my H's OW?

[Loni]

:laugh: Well butter my biscuit! Tell me there is not a judgement because of one thing I take pleasure in doing. You are giving me the short end of the stick. Shall I do the same to you and judge all of your thoughts by the mere fact that you have been an ow?

 

That is the only thing you take pleasure in doing? Now that is pathetic. He must have effed you up bad. Chasing cheaters? Good god woman at least make a reality show out of it otherwise you are just another maniac with nothing to show for it. Do you you really think that the couples you are observing give a crap?

 

Really?

[TinaniT]

Good luck. I hope this works out the best way for your longterm happiness. I don't know what that is, but I hope it does and I just want to add that.

 

I would demand he treat you with respect and appropriately if he will come back. If he doesn't, he hasn't changed at all from where he cheated on you. You are his wife and have his children; There is no reason why he can't be with you openly unless he is just wanting to sneak in the two women, and you, as with anyone, do not deserve that.

 

I understand wanting revenge, and while there is nothing wrong with that, holding onto negative emotions only hurts and traps you. Forgiveness is never for the person you are forgiving, but for yourself. This doesn't change that you love him and trying to be with your husband, but merely that one small part of motivator. Don't let something else control you.

[pebbles80]

I think he is still with her out of pride of not admitting he made a mistake. He didn't choose her I made the decision for him she 'won' (her words) by default because I could not fight anymore and she lives there because she became homeless.

 

I did show him texts,emails etc but at the time emotions and anger are high and she said I was manipulating them to show her up. What more could I do? I am past trying to prove that point as don't think its conclusive just put it in as to try to explain the past situation. I don't even have them anymore.

 

Maybe it is filled with contradictions but I am trying to explain how I feel and probably rambling a little. I don't actually feel like he does have a hold over me but can see your point. Surely that is no different to any other OW who sits and waits for their MM to see them, surely them men have a hold over them or why would they do it.

 

She was asked to stay away by me and him but she continued to call and message him as she needed 'help' because of all the previous problems in her life dropping one bombshell after another he was concerned and got in contact with her and it went from there again.

 

He is living with relatives because the current financial situation does not allow him to live on his own. She doesn't support him financially refusing to get a better paid job or work more hours then the bare minimum she does currently and this situation means she can accompany him pretty much everywhere he goes which she likes to do. The situation will be changing soon and he will have a little more financial freedom, asked if they will be moving in with each other into their own home and he states quite clearly he has no plans with her for the future having their own home isn't even something they have discussed. Time will tell if it is.

 

Although I do have to say he didn't abandon us I kicked him out and threw all his belongings out in rubbish bags!

 

Thanks both of you for your further points. Its all stuff to think about. Whatever the outcome will be it seems to be that distance will be the answer whether that resolves the issue how I would like it to be resolved or not. At least there will be no confusion. As for putting this in the wrong forum I haven't been here that long found the site had a quick look around and posted will have a look at the one mentioned!

[pebbles80]

Good luck. I hope this works out the best way for your longterm happiness. I don't know what that is, but I hope it does and I just want to add that.

 

I would demand he treat you with respect and appropriately if he will come back. If he doesn't, he hasn't changed at all from where he cheated on you. You are his wife and have his children; There is no reason why he can't be with you openly unless he is just wanting to sneak in the two women, and you, as with anyone, do not deserve that.

 

I understand wanting revenge, and while there is nothing wrong with that, holding onto negative emotions only hurts and traps you. Forgiveness is never for the person you are forgiving, but for yourself. This doesn't change that you love him and trying to be with your husband, but merely that one small part of motivator. Don't let something else control you.

 

 

Thank you, I know your right about the negative energy and have tried to let go and actually do not believe it to be as bad as it was at one point. (Im sure that just proves I was a complete headcase at the time I discovered because of what is going on now!) I think a step back and re evalute is what is needed and then make a choice without like you say something else being in control of me.

[Lizzie60]

I didn't read the whole thread..

 

I was the OW to my last ex.. for many years after we broke up..

 

For me.. it was purely sexual.. as I made sure I was ready .. I didn't want to fall back in love with him.

 

In your case, you're playing with fire.. he might never leave other women for you.. since he has you on the side.. you might hurt yourself in the long run.. he won't...

[pebbles80]

Enough of the t/j.

 

Apologies to the OP.

 

That's OK, I have read each and every post and taken in each point made by the different posters. A lot of things to think about.

 

And I haven't been here long enough to know what old post of someone elses was being discussed!

[herenow]

or he is having real regrets and stitching back up your home could be the right thing to do.

 

Here is the thing Kristi, if he had "real regrets", he wouldn't still be with the OW (who isn't really an OW at this point). If his true desire is to be back with Pebbles, he would leave his "new" relationship and dedicate his time to working on his marriage.

 

Pebbles is not the one with the problem, her almost exH is really messed up. Maybe this is a case of unfinished business for Pebbles. Maybe, in time, she will see that there are better options for her and get off the rollercoaster.

 

For now, Pebbles seems to be aware that she is in a mess of a situation. Looks like she is aware that her STBEXH is a risk to her wellbeing. However, for whatever reason, she is having this type of relationship with him. I wish for Pebbles that in time she realizes she can do better. There will be a time to move on and only Pebbles can decide when that is. For now, she has reached out for help and that is a good thing.

[Mimolicious]

Being the OW to your husband has to suck. So you sleep with your husband knowing he is going home to the OW? I could understand if you slept with him and he came back but he didn't.

 

Yes, you have squatters rights but he is still with her.You have put yourself in an unfortunate position. You are now the OW to your husband as well as cheating on some poor sod who does realize what you are doing. Nothing wrong with that except a huge blow to your self esteem. Cant think of anything worse for the ego than screwing your husband and having him leave afterward to go back to his OW.

 

I am sure he also has a proud. A wife who will screw him and accept that he goes back to the OW. Man, what guy would not get a hard on from that?

 

 

:lmao: The hypocrisy in this post. :lmao: I am sure if she would have left the part that she was his "W" out, your message would have a different tune. Do you say the same to OW who are with a MM that is going home to his W??? Cause I haven't read that in any of your post. On the contrary... Didn't you call those the "Bitter Bitch Brigade" instead???? Unreal. Anyway...

 

Pebbles- I think at one point in my M, I could have been you. I didn't allow it to take place. I think a "man" (for the sake of the subject) will take some wherever he is given some. You may be right, it can be a "pride & ego" thing for him to not end things with his "GF". It would be basically admitting that he facked up and who really likes to admit that!?!

 

Listen, to be honest do what you have to do to move forward. Get some therapy, shack the dude a few times if that is what is going to take for you to really see that you are wasting your time. Some of us have been there, just not many like to admit it. Hope that soon enough you find someone that is refreshing and loves you right. Good luck!

[NoIDidn't]

I know some have been cross with kristi, but she's right. This scenario is very common. Its a fact that many a formerly MM will go back to his ex W behind the new girlfriend or new W's back and try to rekindle feelings.

 

It might be that he wants his old life back and thinks it was better, or just that he's a lying cheater. Its really up to the ex-woman to decide how to handle it.

 

I've seen it with almost all of my divorcing friends. In the end, they usually stay divorced and apart as there was a reason that they divorced. But they get something out of it more than just revenge.

 

And, really, what's so wrong with revenge? Being a doormat and letting people walk all over you even after they have grievously harmed you is not good for your mental or emotional health. Wanting to get back at the people that harm you show that you have some pride and self-esteem left. Going overboard with revenge is where the problem usually lies.

 

OP, be careful. Honestly, he doesn't sound like he's good for you. Even in this economy, many people haven't latched on to their extended families and brought extra mouths to feed with them. That's particularly disrespectful and dysfunctional. You aren't supposed to bring a new SO to your family homes when you aren't even divorced yet. And the fact that you have others witnessing your behavior and commenting that "nothing has changed" seems to show that he likes this added drama in his life.

 

If you don't become the adult in this situation and back off for no other reason than your own interests, I fear you'll be hurt.

[Loni]

:lmao: The hypocrisy in this post. :lmao: I am sure if she would have left the part that she was his "W" out, your message would have a different tune. Do you say the same to OW who are with a MM that is going home to his W??? Cause I haven't read that in any of your post. On the contrary... Didn't you call those the "Bitter Bitch Brigade" instead???? Unreal. Anyway...

 

Pebbles- I think at one point in my M, I could have been you. I didn't allow it to take place. I think a "man" (for the sake of the subject) will take some wherever he is given some. You may be right, it can be a "pride & ego" thing for him to not end things with his "GF". It would be basically admitting that he facked up and who really likes to admit that!?!

 

Listen, to be honest do what you have to do to move forward. Get some therapy, shack the dude a few times if that is what is going to take for you to really see that you are wasting your time. Some of us have been there, just not many like to admit it. Hope that soon enough you find someone that is refreshing and loves you right. Good luck!

 

Lady,

 

Before you start in on what I have and have not posted perhaps you should read more of them. I never advocate staying in an affair if the OW is looking for happily ever after. It rarely happens.

 

As a matter of fact I kicked my then MM out. We were living together because he was dragging his feet with his divorce. Yes we are married now but I can be fairly certain he would have continued to stay legally married if I had not said Hell NO.

[fooled once]

Back to Pebbles......

 

Pebbles, I am not sure why you think your exH still loves you, respects you or wants you.

 

No one is forcing him to stay with this girlfriend. No one is forcing him to not tell her the truth - that he is sleeping with both of you.

 

I get you want revenge; but honestly, you and he cannot fix this without some major counseling.

 

He is untrustworthy, disrespectful, a coward and a cheat.

 

Life does go on after divorce. Just because a couple with children divorces does not mean they are meant to be forever. When I speak to my ex regarding our son, it is treated as a business. There is no love talk, no flirting none of the crap you and your ex do. Know why? Cuase it would be totally disrespectful to my H and because I have NO INTEREST in my ex, even after I kicked him out. I had no lingering desire, no need to be buddies with him, nothing more than co-parenting with him.

 

You are sending such mixed signals to your children by being so close to your ex, their father. They also know dad has a girlfriend. They are learning about relationships by watching you guys. Would you be happy if your daughter was in your position? What would you say to her?

 

Let him go. If he really wanted to work things out with you, he would. The current g/f didn't have to back off because you wanted her to so you and he could 'work on' things. He is CHOOSING to stay with her and CHOOSING to have her in his life. Stop being mad at her and turn that anger to HIM.

 

Do you really think IF you two got back together you wouldn't end up going through this again at some point? He has shown you by actions he doesn't care if you catch him cheating. You have accepted it and given him the thumbs up to continue to not be faithful to anyone. Why do you allow him to keep doing this? Why do you continue to let him be a cake eater? Why can't you tell him it is only about the kids UNTIL he decides to end his relationship and get some counseling? He isn't worth all your angst.

[gopherkiller]

Hi pebbles80,

 

I am brand new to this site (just started reading less than 4 hours ago, but your post was interesting and so I joined to comment).

 

I can say that I was in something slightly similar to yours. My boyfriend of five years cheated on me, I did not know at the time or else his ass would be out on the curb like your husband's was. He started 'dating' the other woman while I was at home for Christmas holiday and when I came back after a few weeks we ended up hooking up a few times (Imagine: post-breakup, messy/raw feelings and emotions) and we got back together. He is a good, honest man (for the most part... ) and told me about his involvement with this other woman. This was all quick pace (less than a week), but if I was married and had many, many good and happy years with him... I can picture myself in your situation as well. (I was also an OW of sorts [it was unknown to me, but once I did, I ended it] so I hope I see both views)

 

Everyone seems to be really busy debating and arguing each other, but it is you that I am interested in. YOU loved, cherished, et., et. for this man. YOU kicked him out, like most strong women would do, after his affair and his 'wishy-washy' behavior. I am only 24 years old, but YOU are awesome and YOU are strong.

 

There isn't anything wrong with reaching out for the familiar, experienced and, most importantly, loved. I agree with kristismiles that you would have received an extremely different response on a different site/forum/(section?). You didn't cause the situation you are in because you kicked your husband out and expected him to take responsibility for his actions. You are close to closing the chapter of your relationship, but... unfortunately, it is not your choice or your making, so it makes it harder, it makes you hope.

 

It is many a woman's dream to believe that a man can't deny them and YOU have the proof (he is with his love [or at least love of the moment] and he still desires and ACTIVELY seeks YOU). I do not view you as some crazed other woman like many of the people I see posting here (in the other woman section). I do not view you as some psycho wife trying to lure your husband back in. I view you as a hurt, broken woman who is only hoping that her man is not completely lost to her. It takes a great deal to move forward (and especially to move on and beyond) from a relationship.

 

So, if this is helping you in any way to continue living and loving..., as one of my 6th grade teachers said, you go girl. Remember. YOU sent him packing. YOU stood your ground. YOU bought him back risking everything with his current 'girlfriend' for only a MOMENT (please... remember an orgasm is just a single second or so) of pleasure.

 

YOU can leave. YOU can stay as is. YOU can fight for your marriage. Or YOU can see that it is beyond repair. Your post make me feel like you forget that (your power/strength/awesomeness). Most other woman cannot say that, but you can.

 

Just work towards health and what you want or need.

[Got it]

While I understand the "happiness" of the revenge against the OW, what I am confused about is how that becomes more important than the fact that you are rewarding and encouraging the very person that directly loved and made promises to you to do otherwise.

 

All the pain, all the hurt, all the accusations thrown at him are now pretty much null and void in his mind as she has actively accepted him as her MM .

 

And that is fine, if that is causing the OP happiness but it doesn't sound like it.

 

OP- it sounds like what you are still actively mourning is the past, your family, the home life, etc but you need to see him for who he is today and what he is telling you what he is offering you. He seems to be very happy to be cake eating and has the two main women in his life just switching sides.

 

If you want him back, then you need to stand firm and again knock him off his fence. You need to decide what you are worth, and I would think the very least would be him in IC, him single for x amount of time, and him showing through words and actions that you are one of his top priorities and mending all wounds is what he cares about now.

 

Please seek IC for you and think about what you want in a man, what you want in a partner and see how he measures up. If you think he is close, communicate your needs and hold him firmly to them. What he doesn't deserve is being able to cake eat with you. You know he still has feelings towards you, you have more power than you realize. Be your own advocate and stand up for what you want.

 

If you are fine with him on the side, then make sure he is the icing on your already well filled cake and keep him there. But I don't think he currently deserves more than that.

[Goldenspoon]

He moans to me about his new partner

 

That's how he get on your good side and get into your pants. He does the samething behind your back and talked trash about you to her and that's how he got into her pants and continue to do so.

 

Everytime you kiss him, just imagine where those lips had been less than 24 hours ago.

[Mimolicious]

That's how he get on your good side and get into your pants. He does the samething behind your back and talked trash about you to her and that's how he got into her pants and continue to do so.

 

Everytime you kiss him, just imagine where those lips had been less than 24 hours ago.

 

I gotta say, I agree.

 

At this point all 3 of ya' should sit down, shoot the shyte and sort it out. This is either going to be your "lifestyle" or someone is going to get seriously hurt... Don't waste your youth still giving space to what left the empty spot. There are millions of men out there. Keep it moving OP. Not worth your sanity.

 

Besides, what are you teaching your children? You do understand that kids follow patterns once they become adults. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Set an example for them, a "good one" is actually fabulous.

[pebbles80]

Been away from my post for a few days as had a lot to consider given all the posts here. I have managed to gain some distance between stbxh and myself over the weekend and will be doing so this week too. I haven't laid anything on the table to him or asked for any big decisions to be made. I am just going to walk away and see what happens. Its going to be hard for me and staying away as such is almost impossible because of his contact with the children but I don't have to be available during the week so that part will be 'easy' as such.

 

The other 'relationship' as such has ended so have got plenty of time to think this all through. Although it doesn't stop my head from being slightly cloudy still.

[whereloveisnot]

Pebbles, I think you just have to figure out what you want and how it serves you or if it does. I've been there, ex left, married OW, two weeks after the wedding, they blew up, and he was back hot for me.

 

Psychologically, it's easy to pretty much figure out what went on - they left a relationship they weren't done with as far as feelings. And you wound up in the same boat - things were unresolved. They transferred feelings to someone new, and it's a twisted mess of what feelings belong to who.

 

I think a cooling-off period is wise. The worst thing is to get sucked back in and hurt in the same or worse ways.

 

good Luck!

[MissBee]

That's how he get on your good side and get into your pants. He does the samething behind your back and talked trash about you to her and that's how he got into her pants and continue to do so.

 

Everytime you kiss him, just imagine where those lips had been less than 24 hours ago.

 

Ewwwww

 

Sooo true!

 

I remember when my ex and I broke up...he would get all these different gfs and then come around to me after a few months complaining about them and calling them crazy or otherwise defective...buttering me up to assume or sometimes he plainly stated, how I was so much better and he missed me and he's breaking up with them (which he did usually before he resurfaced to say al this or shortly after). I felt smug ofcourse, like you poor dear, your life has gone to shyt without me and none of your other women can hold a candle to my magnificence While it may be true to a degree (in terms of him not being over me completely and rebounding)....the major point was that HE HAD ISSUES! It wasn't about ME being fabulous or that he missed or loved me. He was dissatisfied with them because of his issues, if they were crazy or a mess, HE CHOSE THEM, and I always was there to listen and allow him to get comfort from me so ofcourse he took it! If he loved and cared for me so much, he wasn't willing to put the work into our relationship and CHOSE to run around with other women and then come back when he was bored of them. Smh....

 

 

Glad I learned my lesson. It has little to do with you being great and them missing you...but more to do with them being huge brats and realizing you are a safe place for them to come and b*itch and moan and then eventually get their way.

[pebbles80]

I think all your words are sinking in I know its delayed but needed some time to think everything through. I haven't seen him since the weekend and that was only because of our children's commitments but nothing happened and I haven't heard from him since. Obviously everything is now going well with the girlfriend(fOW) and I am not needed. It doesn't make me sad it makes me angry with him. Not a text or a phone call and I haven't made contact with him.

 

I can see that by not standing a firmer ground I have allowed him to come back into our home and have his own way and use me like I am his partner still when I am not. Silly things I used to do for him (day to day stuff) I have carried on doing - I have let him walk all over me!!!! Its not my place to do this stuff anymore I have also let him lapse with the children in my deluded state of thinking I have to keep him happy and swallowed the absolute crap he has fed me on these occasion's. Well it ain't happening no more. Next time I do see him and he thinks I am going to slip back into 'wife' mode it wont be happening. I will stand firm. If he finally realises what he has lost and decides he wants to work things out then I will cross that bridge then but would be on MY terms IF its something I want. Right now I have to concentrate on being strong and keeping him at arms length to some degree.

[Ms. Red]

Good for you Pebbles!

 

I'm glad you got to the angry stage. It's really hard and easier said than done. You just have to wait till you get that "click" in your mind.

 

It seems you've reached that click phase.

 

Take care of yourself and think of "you" for once!

 

I wish you well.