Looking For Wisdom

[ambigram]

Thanks for any and all help. I'm a 51 year old man and 'Jane' is a 41 yr old woman with 12-14 year old boys from two fathers. Neither father in the picture. We got together two years ago and I pretty much lived at her house for the first year,but kept my apartment as a safety net. We've had our ups and downds to say the least with the biggest stumbling block being that I'm an acloholic. I drank at first when we got together but after a couple of months I stopped when I was living with her. I've fell off the wagon a few times and she's attended AA meetings with me. Anyway in January of this year she said she didn't want me there every day so I went back to my place. I'd still go out and stay over a few nights per week and would never drink. But I would drink when I was at my place. Anyway,our arguing has gotten really bad over the past six months and sometimes she would end the relationship and sometimes I would end it. But usually within 48 hours the one who ended it would call the other one up and patch things up,somewhat.Our time together has been less and less mostly at her insistance.

So just last week when we thought FOR SURE we were through,we got to talking again. I promised her I wouldn't drink and would quit. She made a surprise visit to see me on Friday evening and I was drinking. We talked and held each other for a couple hours and she left. Saturday afternoon she surprised me with a visit and I was drinking,we talked,had sex,and she had to leave immediately because one of her boys phoned her to be picked up…Here's is us e-mailing back and forth since last Friday

, ((((ME)))))…….Friday

I feel great today. I'm happy,smiling and interacting with others like

I've not done in a long,long while. I like it much better when I know

exactly where we are/stand. That 'in limbo' was killing me.....

((((((((JANE)))))

That 'in-limbo ' was where we left things last Thursday after speaking at the apartment.

((((ME))))))

Do you mean because we basically ended it and then kissed? And then as soon as you left I jumped on the puter to tell you I don't want you out of my life. And you seemed to breath a sigh of relief saying you were too afraid to have me out of yours??

((((((JANE)))))))

Yes. I'm saying that on that Thursday night we each recognized we had work to do - as individuals. That we couldn't be together until that work was done but we were both scared of never seeing each other again. Those are the words we each said.

(((((((((((ME))))))))))

Well.I was in limbo until we talked today. Last Thursday I still held out hope..

Like I said,I feel good today for somestrange reason......

(((ME)))))

My email here at work is really lagging. I'm responding,hitting the send button(ah button),and it's taking like 5 minutes to send

(((JANE)))))

Wish you were hitting the button. :-(

(((((ME)))

Are the pics of us still up on the wall?

Do you plan on leaving them there?

(((((JANE)))

just because we aren't a couple, isn't a reason to remove these things. It's not like we split because one of us wronged the other or because we fell out of love.

(((ME))))))

Ok...So give it to me straight....In your head AND heart.Where EXACTLY are we???

((((((JANE)))))))

I love you. Unquestioningly. Do I maintain this contact for the selfish reason of the panic that the thought of never seeing you again is heartbreaking - Yes. - That's were my heart is.

 

 

BUT we BOTH have issues to address. There is no trust between us. I wasn't as open as I should have been with you early on in our relationship and have been paying the price since. The price being the constant questioning, checking, disbelief of statements etc. You continue to lie - for reasons you feel as justified - I disagree that they are justified by the way.

Relationships without trust do not work. It doesn't matter how much love there is. Trust is huge.

Due to the lack of trust between us - other unacceptable behaviors are triggered.

So, this is where I am.

 

I am not in a relationship with you (or anyone else). I will not consider re-starting a relationship again with you until each of us has addressed our issues. I don't mean 'begun to work on them'. I mean addressed them, taken stock of where we are and are both ready to start again.

I also will have to see that the drinking has gone. Rightly or wrongly I blame much of the behaviors you have shown on the drinking. Maybe I am making an excuse for them, maybe they are part of your personality - I don't know.

I will not have anyone in my life where they are able to influence my boys unless they are a positive role model. Of course I know there will be undesirable habits in everyone but the big ones - unfaithfulness, addictions, controlling behaviors, will not be allowed in my home. Unreasonable - maybe. Am I prepared to risk being alone - absolutely.

 

Should I break all contact with you until I am in a better place ? - Most likely.

Should I break all contact with you until you are in a better place ? Most likely.

Should I break all contact with you until I've ensured my children are in a better place ? Absolutely.

 

That's where my head is.

((((JANE))))

I miss being intimate with you. Really miss it.

Don't think I haven't thought about visiting you for sex - it's just I may be able to separate my heart from head but I can't when your hands are over me.

((((((((ME)))))

Is that deal still on that as things go along and I'm not drinking that you'll still come in once in a while to talk,snuggle and do whatever comes natural?

(((((((((JANE))))

Yes.

So like in my opening portion of this message here is now where we're at..Lastnight she emailed me this and it went on from there..

((JANE)))

Tonight I was talking to a friend who's Dad was an alcoholic. It's interesting hearing from the kids side. Spent most of the evening talking with her.

I can't do this anymore . I don't believe you will beat this. You've lost things in your past and haven't stopped drinking and I have no reason to think this time is going to be any different.

It was good to see you going to a meeting on your own today. I do love you but I can't do this any more. Please do not contact me again. Thank you.

((((((ME))))))

Thought I'd check my e-mail but was sure that you wouldn't have sent any.. Didn't expect that.....Really hurts....

((ME)))))

Do you have a new guy or a potential new guy? That would be the one and

only thing to make me lose hope. If not then I will go on living as if

when I beat this that I can one day win you back...

(((JANE)))))))

No. There is no one else. No one new. No potential new partner. Just the kids and I.

(ME))))))

Can we still be distant friends? You have no idea how much that would mean to me...

(JANE)))))

will always be your friend - I just can't handle seeing you. It hurts too much and I end up doing things like letting my love for you be shown physically and then spend days being conflicted afterwards. I can't see you. I can't hear your voice. And I can't spend all day communicating with you. Please set me free

((ME))))))

Well how is that 'always being my friend"? I don't want you to see me or hear me. For now I'd just like to keep you updated on my progress via e-mail.......

(((JANE))

I would like the updates via e-mail. I'm just not strong enough to hear your voice or see you.

So In regards to the drinking I do know what need to be done….

 

What should my next move with Jane be??

[Chi townD]

First, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY! You need to fix YOU!!! You are no good to anyone while you are actively in addiction. I mean, you told her that you stopped drinking. She went over to your place on a Friday....and you were drinking. SO, makes her feel that you can lie to her about anything.

 

She broke it off with you. Stated that she can't see you or even hear your voice. Then, give her the time and space she requested. She made a choice to have you out of her life and that's EXACTLY what you need to give her! No phone, texts or e-mails. And don't respond to hers. In the mean time. You need to work on you. Actively go to AA meetings. Eat healthy, lose weight or get in shape; get a membership to a gym. Be active and fill that down time that you normally would be drinking with something productive and worth-while. Go back to school! Go on a shopping spree and get a new wardrobe. Create a new you!

 

You can't be friends with her if you still have deep-seeded feelings for her.

[ambigram]

I am going to stop and go to AA meetings. But how can I prove it to her if we don't see or talk?

 

My wardrobe is good. I'm slim. I cycle a lot for exercise...

[Chi townD]

From my experiences, you can tell someone that you're going to do this and that until you are blue in the face. Action speaks louder than words. Start fixing yourself and believe me, even if you're not talking or seeing each other; she'll still keep tabs on you. She'll find out how you're doing through mutual friends and family. But, you have to go with the addage "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst." You may have damaged this beyond repair. Sorry to be harsh, but I think other women posters may agree that once a woman makes up her mind about something, it's very hard to sway their decision.

[ambigram]

Well she has 'made up her mind' quite a few times over the past few months. I too have'ended' it. We never seem to last long though getting back in contact. Time will tell....