Ex Wants Photos of Dogs - Should I or Shouldn't I?

[mtd4249]

I've posted my story here before, so I will keep this as short as possible. I was in a 16 year relationship that ended about 5 months ago. With no prior warnings, no prior arguments, and no real reasons my ex surprised one night in early January and told me she was "unhappy" and needed "space". She went to another city where her parents live under the pretence she was coming back, but among all the midlife crisis behaviour she exhibited at the age of 36 I discovered she had a phone sex fling with some guy she met online in the first week after she left. Things fell apart quickly thereafter and she basically called off the relationship once and for all at the beginning of April.

 

Ever since then, I have maintained NC - although she had sent me a couple of cursory text messages about the property settlement that didn't require any response.

 

Then a couple of weeks ago, she sent me an IM to ask me how I am and how the two dogs are that we raised from pups (and which are in my possession after she abandoned them/us). A couple of days later she contacts me again to say that deep down she will always care about me.

 

Now, she has messaged again to ask how I am, to give me her new phone number and to ask for recent photos of the two dogs.

 

I know she thought of the two dogs as her babies (she often called them just that) and, as odd as it sounds given the deep pain she has caused me, I actually feel sorry for her because I know she would be hurting from missing them. But then another voice in my head says that she made the decision to leave and not return & any pain she feels is collateral damage of that decision (just as I and my emotions were collateral damage).

 

Should I send her photos of the dogs or not? What would you guys do?

 

Thanks for listening and any advice you give!

[FeelingSmall]

I lost two of my cats when my 5 year rs ended, I have not seen them since, it makes me sad, and I miss them, but it's the price paid. I never asked for pictures though, so....

 

If I were you I would send the pictures, be the bigger person, you don't have to include a letter, or anything, but just send the pictures. I generally have found that in the past revenge never really felt good for very long, plus it's made me look petty.

[mtd4249]

FeelingSmall ... thanks for responding. I know what you mean about being the bigger person. It will leave my conscience free ... I have always said that unlike her, I won't carry any guilt from the breakup because I never did anything wrong to the other person.

 

It's ironic that when she left, I would try contacting her and she would ignore me. Now, she has skipped even apologising to me and moved straight to the bit where she thinks it's okay to have small talk and expects photos of what she left behind! Double standards!!

[FeelingSmall]

 

It's ironic that when she left, I would try contacting her and she would ignore me. Now, she has skipped even apologising to me and moved straight to the bit where she thinks it's okay to have small talk and expects photos of what she left behind! Double standards!!

 

No kidding, it's pretty sad really. I think sometimes it's easier to ignore the things we did wrong and try to bypass taking responsibility for our actions. Of course this hurts other people. You can't control how she acts towards you, but you can control how you act. Don't allow her to be the victim, by not sending her the pictures of her "babies" it turns you into a villain, and you don't deserve that. Does that make sense??

[mtd4249]

Yeah, it does make sense ... throughout all this, I always tried to do the right things so she could never come back and blame anything on me. You're right, if I don't send her the pics she could play the martyr and the victim ... my only concern is that it would effectively break the NC and it sets a precedent -- at some point, she's going to have to let go of the "babies" because the way she went about this breakup has made friendship in the foreseeable future near impossible. There was nothing honourable about the way she treated me - it felt like she not only kicked me but kept on kicking me while I was down, one blow after another. Had she done things in a respectful, mature, open manner then maybe a friendship could be salvaged with small talk and dog photos ..... hmmmmm

[FeelingSmall]

Yeah, I definitely see where you're coming from. Breaking NC would not be a good thing, you're in a tough spot. She deserves whatever comes her way, it would just suck to see her become the martyr.

 

If I were you, I would just throw some pictures into an envelope and send them, nothing more, no small talk, nothing... Or maybe even mass email a bunch of pictures... Everyone likes pictures of dogs. Send them to friends as well, that way making it less personal.

 

I don't know, it's a tough call. Do whatever you think is right. I agree that breaking NC and giving her what she wants isn't an attractive idea.

[mtd4249]

Feelingsmall -- thanks again .... the mass email isn't such a bad idea!! It never crossed my mind ...... you like pictures of dogs? What's your email address?!? LOL **just kidding**

 

I know you're probably here dealing with your own situation .... whatever the circumstances, I hope you're doing as good as you can be and hopefully I can offer an insight to your own circumstances sometime.

[Graceful]

Hi mtd,

 

Send the pics (I assumed you would send digital pics) without a note, a hello, or a good bye. Just send them. They're your pets now, you're the one who is enjoying their love and company, not your ex, so it's a small enough gesture to send them. Let her print them out.

 

And make that the last gesture, agreed.

 

The reason she is able to act like a robot right now (as we discussed in your other thread) is that she made her decision to leave a long time ago, and detached emotionally before you ever heard a peep. Not only that, but because she detached, she began to see you as a "friend" during that time, removing the romantic attachment.

 

I honestly think she sounds clueless as to how much she has hurt you. Not that I'm giving her a free pass or anything of the kind!

 

What you said in your other thread was all very rational and mature, both lacking in your ex. She takes you completely for granted, man, she really does. You're not perfect, but sounds like you've been a good guy to her, and tried to take care of her the best you could. She thinks she'll find that in another guy? She's in for a rude awakening.

 

She gets a few pics. You have the dogs. Who's the winner?

 

So send the pics. You can't make your ex have a conscience about any of this, but apparently the fact she's open about missing the dogs might be a sign that she has one ... somewhere. Take care.

 

Yeah, it does make sense ... throughout all this, I always tried to do the right things so she could never come back and blame anything on me. You're right, if I don't send her the pics she could play the martyr and the victim ... my only concern is that it would effectively break the NC and it sets a precedent -- at some point, she's going to have to let go of the "babies" because the way she went about this breakup has made friendship in the foreseeable future near impossible. There was nothing honourable about the way she treated me - it felt like she not only kicked me but kept on kicking me while I was down, one blow after another. Had she done things in a respectful, mature, open manner then maybe a friendship could be salvaged with small talk and dog photos ..... hmmmmm

[worlybear]

So, which end of the dogs are you going to photograph......?

[Duckduckgoose]

So, which end of the dogs are you going to photograph......?

 

 

This I agree with.

 

Honestly I wouldn't send her anything. She lost the rights to you AND the dogs when she abandoned ALL of you.

 

And I would get the dogs microchipped with YOUR NAME/ADDRESS so if she tries to steal them you can find them easily.

 

Don't let her get comfort from seeing the dogs and knowing they're okay... she's trying to keep ties to a past life... a life SHE up and left.

[phn guy]

This I agree with.

 

Honestly I wouldn't send her anything. She lost the rights to you AND the dogs when she abandoned ALL of you.

 

And I would get the dogs microchipped with YOUR NAME/ADDRESS so if she tries to steal them you can find them easily.

 

Don't let her get comfort from seeing the dogs and knowing they're okay... she's trying to keep ties to a past life... a life SHE up and left.

 

 

I agree with Duckduckgoose dont send her a thing. She doesnt deserve it. If you do send something send a pic of the backend of the dogs and that will be the last thing she sees. My ex up and left me 3 months ago and Im still waiting for my stuff and engagement ring. What a joke! She was the one who said she would mail my things and the ring and not to worry about it. This was an LDR for 5 years and we were so close in getting married, starting a family, and buying a house this year until she up and left. I say dont give her jack s***. She needs to deal with what she has done before anything.

[mtd4249]

Thanks everyone for responding.

 

I still haven't answered my ex's message in which she requested photos of the dogs (in the same message she asked how I was and how things went for me at a doctor's appointment last week ... her way of showing - as she said - that deep down she will always care for me!).

 

Graceful -- she definitely did check out of the relationship well before I ever knew, but it astounds me that someone can treat someone like she did and think that friends is the next step. There's a missing link somewhere ... like the bit where they say sorry and explain exactly why they did what they did!! As you say, I did try and take care of her the best I could and there was not even a thought in my mind of doing the wrong thing to her or ever considering another woman. I was just looking to leave a peaceful life with someone I considered my best friend - to give her both emotional and financial security. I would never have done anything deliberately to hurt her and I think for that reason there is something deep inside me that says "send the pics" --- the part of me that feels sorry for her because I can almost see her sadness from missing the dogs.

 

Still another part of me agrees with phnguy and Duckduckgoose --- she did abandon me, she volunteered to leave me and the dogs, and yet it seems like she wants her cake and eat it to. She has feathered her nest by going to a city where she has family and friends, leaving me in a city where I am no family and only a couple of friends. It seems like she has set herself up nicely, done what she wanted to do without worry about me, and now she wants snippets of the life she left behind. WTF!

 

So, I have the "good" and the "evil" voice on each shoulder talking to me -- I'm torn over what to do! In the whole context of things on LS, I know photos of dogs is a relatively minor issue.

 

Graceful -- on your question about what she thinks she will find with another guy, I'm convinced she thinks that she will find all the good things about me, none of the imperfections, and she will be happy ever after. I'm not saying there aren't better guys than me out there, but I think LS is proof that a loyal, faithful, committed guy for the long haul (not just the honeymoon period or a few years) is not that easy to find. I was her first serious relationship - to become relationship mature, she probably needed one or two bad relationships before she met me ... maybe then she would have appreciated the loyalty and commitment I gave her. Maybe she will be lucky and the next guy she finds will be another me with icing on top -- but maybe, as you say, she is in for a rude awakening. I know which option I'd be putting my money on!

 

As to which end of the dogs would feature in photos, if I send them ..... maybe some pics of their sh*t would be appropriate as well -- symbolic of what she dished out to me!! lol

 

Thanks again and take care.