Will it happen?

[Crazy chick1]

MM has today told me that he thinks his best option maybe to rent a bedsit for 6 months to give him the space he needs to decide what he really wants. This was under no pressure at all from me because I realise that ultimatums usually fail, especially if one is not strong enough to follow it through. He told me that living at home is like a minefield & he keeps treading on the mines & both he & his W are unhappy as they are. He pointed out that he wouldn't jump into a R with me but that we could at least have chance to do much more together (as we have wanted for a while). Obviously that would be fine because I understand that he cannot be seen to be moving out in order to see me again.

 

This is a most unexpected development & I do have my feet firmly on the ground & understand that it could be a delaying tactic but as I said he has come to the conclusion alone & when I asked him how he could live as he does he simply said he can't & the situation is driving him insane. This is a definite positive because I believe he is most likely to take action if it's for himself rather than if it's for anyone else.

[Loni]

MM has today told me that he thinks his best option maybe to rent a bedsit for 6 months to give him the space he needs to decide what he really wants. This was under no pressure at all from me because I realise that ultimatums usually fail, especially if one is not strong enough to follow it through. He told me that living at home is like a minefield & he keeps treading on the mines & both he & his W are unhappy as they are. He pointed out that he wouldn't jump into a R with me but that we could at least have chance to do much more together (as we have wanted for a while). Obviously that would be fine because I understand that he cannot be seen to be moving out in order to see me again.

 

This is a most unexpected development & I do have my feet firmly on the ground & understand that it could be a delaying tactic but as I said he has come to the conclusion alone & when I asked him how he could live as he does he simply said he can't & the situation is driving him insane. This is a definite positive because I believe he is most likely to take action if it's for himself rather than if it's for anyone else.

 

What you are not hearing is the 6th month part. He is NOT saying he is leaving. What he is saying is that he wants to test the waters. Be careful here

[awkward]

Better known as a break. Probably the break his wife wants so he can prove that he is changed man. Ask his wife and it will be clear.

 

What's in it for you? Six more months of hiding and hurting. If I were you, I'd make the next six months all about me while he is deciding what he really wants.

[2sure]

Better known as a break. Probably the break his wife wants so he can prove that he is changed man.

 

Nailed it. And I think this because having read the OPs previous posts on this MM it seemed pretty clear that having both the affair and the marriage were important to him. His behavior after D-Day as described, was very typical of a WS who had to desperately convince BS that the A was a mistake and possibly more the fault of OW than himself.

 

I would be concerned that his wife has been seriously considering a separation and he doesnt want it. But just in case she insists...he will not only have OW but will be able to tell her "I left to see you more easily". Note that he also said that he would still have to hide her and that the separation was supposed to last only 6 months, at which point he is hoping to be able to move back in with his wife.

 

People that are leaving a marriage get a separation while the paperwork is being completed.

[Crazy chick1]

Better known as a break. Probably the break his wife wants so he can prove that he is changed man. Ask his wife and it will be clear.

 

What's in it for you? Six more months of hiding and hurting. If I were you, I'd make the next six months all about me while he is deciding what he really wants.

 

I don't get how him moving out of the family home proves anything to his W? Surely she'd rather keep him close as she clearly is having major trust issues (understandably). I just don't get that.

[whichwayisup]

If he actually follows through on this with the intention of 6 months away from home to "better himself" (for who? you or his wife, or himself?) if I was his wife, I'd hire a PI to follow him. And, if the PI told me while he was moved out and seeing the OW (you) I'd divorce him immediately and hand him over to you with a smile on my face.

 

You get what you get.

 

Obviously you're still no where ready to let go, you have hope that he will choose you in the end. Just be prepared for A LOT more hurt and drama in the up coming months ahead.

[awkward]

I don't get how him moving out of the family home proves anything to his W? Surely she'd rather keep him close as she clearly is having major trust issues (understandably). I just don't get that.

 

This is a win-win for her. I'd bet a thousand dollars that SHE wants the break. Him moving out of the family home gives her a chance to heal, to breathe even. If she was smart (and I think she is), she would use this time to get her ducks all lined up. She doesn't want a lying cheater. She wants a loving, faithful husband.

 

If he can move out on his own, go to counseling, and prove to her that you were just a mistake (remember that bus) she MIGHT give him another chance. Don't worry, he will blow it. He will continue to see you. She will find out. He will throw you under the bus again. You will have had enough. She won't have him because he couldn't be the man he said he would be, the man she needed him to be.

 

He ends up all alone. The earth keeps spinning.

[Loni]

I don't get how him moving out of the family home proves anything to his W? Surely she'd rather keep him close as she clearly is having major trust issues (understandably). I just don't get that.

 

It's what most therapists recommend when the marriage has reached a certain point. If his intention were permanent he would not be getting a 6th month bedsit.

[Confused4Now]

And a PA will resume during those six months (my bet is the first week or so).

 

IF he does this, these six months will also be used for him and his wife to work through their issues. And you will be sleeping with him on the side.

 

Some things to realize:

 

You WILL become more hopeful and more invested if you allow yourself to think this means he's on his way out the door.

 

If he was serious about divorce, a six month break would not be in the plans. He hasn't given up on his marriage yet.

 

If you have a "relationship" with him during this time, it will only slow any progress he "might" make towards resolving his marital problems.

 

The guilt he spoke of earlier will still be there and will still be an issue in him making a decision to leave his marriage as long as he is carrying on an A.

 

If he does not truly get this space, he will not gain the clarity he says he's hoping for. This will only prolong ANY change, one way or the other.

 

You going along with whatever he decides, whenever he wants, shows him that losing you is not a possibility. It shows him that he can take his time and do what he chooses without having to truly consider your feelings.

 

You have to make yourself a priority by showing him that you will not accept second best anymore. The ONLY way you can do that is to walk away from this. Words don't mean jack...neither does him getting a temporary place to sort his feelings out.

 

IF his W still wants this marriage, now is the time she'll be putting her best foot forward. He will be getting the best of BOTH worlds if you start sleeping with him again as well.

This rings so true as this is what happened to me. My xMW H moved out for 6 months all the while telling me she was getting a divorce but telling him it was a separation. She this for fear of his abusive nature. This almost 3 years ago when he moved out. 6 months later he moved back in and that is where he is today. It took me almost 2 1/2 years to get out of that mess with multiple NC periods.

 

I can assure you he's going to be having his cake for sure when he moves out.

[jwi71]

MM has today told me that he thinks his best option maybe to rent a bedsit for 6 months to give him the space he needs to decide what he really wants. This was under no pressure at all from me because I realise that ultimatums usually fail, especially if one is not strong enough to follow it through. He told me that living at home is like a minefield & he keeps treading on the mines & both he & his W are unhappy as they are. He pointed out that he wouldn't jump into a R with me but that we could at least have chance to do much more together (as we have wanted for a while). Obviously that would be fine because I understand that he cannot be seen to be moving out in order to see me again.

 

This is a most unexpected development & I do have my feet firmly on the ground & understand that it could be a delaying tactic but as I said he has come to the conclusion alone & when I asked him how he could live as he does he simply said he can't & the situation is driving him insane. This is a definite positive because I believe he is most likely to take action if it's for himself rather than if it's for anyone else.

 

I can't tell if he is or isn't moving out from what you wrote. It sounds like he is thinking of it by your word choice.

 

As to what will happen, that's easy. Whatever YOU decide will happen is what will, uh, happen. And since you are clear about wanting more of him that's exactly what you will do. In other words, continue having the A.

 

How will it all end? No one really knows. But I DO know that right now your MM does NOT want a D. What he does want is a trial run at bachelorhood or a trial run with you. It's called toe dipping. To see if life with you is better for him than what he currently has.

 

Or maybe his W tossed him and he was able to bargain it to a trial separation. Or maybe his MC suggested it.

 

The one thing you KNOW is he isn't driving the decision. If he truly wanted 6 months to figure himself out YOU wouldn't be in the picture now. You complicate matters so his telling you this invalidates that theory. If he truly wanted out of his M he would be.

 

Any way you slice it, this isnt the good news you think it is.

He is NOT out on his own volition. He was compelled to leave by someone, likely his W.

 

I would tell him "Take the six months to figure it out. Call me then"

 

Then keep on living.

 

On my IPhone so this may not be as coherent as I hoped, but d-mn frustrating typing on this thing.

[Crazy chick1]

I'm very surprised that therapists would recommend a trial separation. Surely this would just drive the married couple further apart?

 

I know he hasn't given up on the M (30 odd years is a lot to give up on), but he doesn't want to walk away from me either & I think he knows something will blow up soon if things continue as they have been. I can see that him moving out 'temporarily' gives him chance to live both lives, but struggled to understand why his W would go for this. But from feedback you've given maybe she would.

[Spark1111]

Better known as a break. Probably the break his wife wants so he can prove that he is changed man.

 

Nailed it. And I think this because having read the OPs previous posts on this MM it seemed pretty clear that having both the affair and the marriage were important to him. His behavior after D-Day as described, was very typical of a WS who had to desperately convince BS that the A was a mistake and possibly more the fault of OW than himself.

 

I would be concerned that his wife has been seriously considering a separation and he doesnt want it. But just in case she insists...he will not only have OW but will be able to tell her "I left to see you more easily". Note that he also said that he would still have to hide her and that the separation was supposed to last only 6 months, at which point he is hoping to be able to move back in with his wife.

 

People that are leaving a marriage get a separation while the paperwork is being completed.

 

I agree. They are probably in MC and she's had enough as he is still likely blameshifting as he is still in touch with you. She suspects it, or is done with his arrogance and tossed him.

 

He likely pleaded for the separation. No skin off her nose. Jeez...I think I lived this scenario.

 

You are his Plan B. In the event he cannot keep his cake and eat it too, you will remain his default choice.

 

Why in the world would you want to be any man's default choice? Yuck!

 

Tell him, in an effort to support his efforts to reconcile his marriage SUCCESSFULLY, you would prefer he NOT CONTACT you until after the six months is over an he has made a decision.

[whichwayisup]

Again, you're focussing on THEM now and not YOU.

 

You don't need to know their reasons as to why he is moving out for 6 months. Especially her reasons and what is going through her head. Sorry to be blunt, but that isn't your business. Bottomline is, it's TEMPORARY and HE STILL wants to try to fix things with his wife.

 

You need to let go and allow him this time ALONE. Respect that he is in a tough spot and needs to be away from you and his wife to THINK and REFLECT, make some decisions, see how he feels with NOONE interferring or pulling him/pushing him in certain directions.

 

Can you do that? Leave him alone, respect his choices and leave it be, stop asking questions and wondering about this and that? Focus on you and your life, not his, and not hers.

[denise_xo]

Again, you're focussing on THEM now and not YOU.

 

This. All your threads are about trying to figure out what is going on in their heads. At the end of the day, we're bunch of strangers on the internet and we don't know, which means that you will take the answers you like and disregard others. If you really want to know, you need to ask his wife.

 

Take control of yourself instead of sitting around waiting. You'll feel so much better afterwards.

[chalkfarm]

It's what most therapists recommend when the marriage has reached a certain point. If his intention were permanent he would not be getting a 6th month bedsit.

Exactly! He even told you it was for only six months!

 

Mine did this and went back home and "reconciled". Please insert a gigantic volume of VOMIT here.

 

Be VERY VERY cautious. If you can manage to keep from further investing in him (emotionally and sexually) during the trial separation, do so. Six months is not a lifetime.

 

Please, take a moment to imagine how devastating it would be if he were to tell you that he & wifey were "talking about reconciliation". THINK!!!!

 

It took me almost a year to realize that he must have been the one begging to be allowed back into the house. He told me he was tired of hearing the words "I need to take care of myself"....... hmmmmm... only would have been said if he was the one begging for the separation.

 

Please be VERY cautious! PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!

[Crazy chick1]

Food for thought indeed. Initially I could only see it as a positive, in that yes, it would give us the opportunity to (carefully) live the R in terms of going places, staying over (at whichever home) etc without the watchful eyes of his W everywhere. I was therefore not seeing the reality of him indulging in both lifestyles & more than likely returning back at the end of it, though to be fair the word 'divorce' has not been mentioned to me. I could quite easily end up hurting even more. I need to think carefully because I am hurting enough already.

[Loni]

Food for thought indeed. Initially I could only see it as a positive, in that yes, it would give us the opportunity to (carefully) live the R in terms of going places, staying over (at whichever home) etc without the watchful eyes of his W everywhere. I was therefore not seeing the reality of him indulging in both lifestyles & more than likely returning back at the end of it, though to be fair the word 'divorce' has not been mentioned to me. I could quite easily end up hurting even more. I need to think carefully because I am hurting enough already.

 

When my MM moved out he was watched like a hawk and so was I. His wife is not going to go poof leaving the world a widen open place for you and MM to explore.

[TurboGirl]

Crazychick...

 

SERIOUSLY! Come on now. He told the W that he will get his head together and return to her a better man in 6 months... bet that your MM and wife are going to be "dating" and working on regaining trust in their relationship. He can't take the minefield, huh? A real man, for sure.

 

Yippee, he gets to spend fun time with you. In bed and out of bed. Strictly as a friend, of course. No affairs being restarted... just going out here & there, sneaking around, having sex as "friends." (I would bet that will happen!)

 

At the end of the 6 months what happens... hmmmm probably goes back to his wife and you are left all alone again. Crazychick, rip the band aid off, go NC with this guy and get on with your life. If it is meant to be, it will... after he resolves the issues with his W. If you pressure him to leave her to be with you, you are never going to know if he had the guts to leave his W because he loves you and wants to be with you, or because you pressured him and he caved. Think about it.

[whichwayisup]

Food for thought indeed. Initially I could only see it as a positive, in that yes, it would give us the opportunity to (carefully) live the R in terms of going places, staying over (at whichever home) etc without the watchful eyes of his W everywhere. I was therefore not seeing the reality of him indulging in both lifestyles & more than likely returning back at the end of it, though to be fair the word 'divorce' has not been mentioned to me. I could quite easily end up hurting even more. I need to think carefully because I am hurting enough already.

 

Your A or R with him is going NOWHERE so please stop hoping and thinking that his time ALONE (please read and reply to my post to you on the previous page) is meant for you two to bond and get closer. It isn't. He has told you he isn't divorcing, he isn't throwing away 30 years of marriage.... Yes, think carefully. I hope you make the right decision that will cause you the least amount of pain both now and in the long run down the road.

 

What gets me is that you seem rather excited about this yet you know that he's just buying time. He's playing this anyway it will work out for him to keep both of you in his life.

 

Yes, this is something *different* but nothing has really changed. Please don't think this means he has one foot out the door. NOTHING else indicates that. All he's doing is buying time and shifting to keep this going (at home and with you) going as long as possible. Where's the respect in that?

 

I agree and to get excited for such shi.t on a stick, is nuts.

 

When my MM moved out he was watched like a hawk and so was I. His wife is not going to go poof leaving the world a widen open place for you and MM to explore.

 

Yup, she isn't going to hand him over to you so he can try things out with you while he's moved out.

[Crazy chick1]

I accept that his W isn't going to want him to be in touch with me during the break. However, I don't see how she actually stop him, seeing as though we are still in touch virtually every day albeit we struggle more since D day to meet up.

[denise_xo]

I accept that his W isn't going to want him to be in touch with me during the break. However, I don't see how she actually stop him, seeing as though we are still in touch virtually every day albeit we struggle more since D day to meet up.

 

Does it matter?

[MissBee]

MM has today told me that he thinks his best option maybe to rent a bedsit for 6 months to give him the space he needs to decide what he really wants. This was under no pressure at all from me because I realise that ultimatums usually fail, especially if one is not strong enough to follow it through. He told me that living at home is like a minefield & he keeps treading on the mines & both he & his W are unhappy as they are. He pointed out that he wouldn't jump into a R with me but that we could at least have chance to do much more together (as we have wanted for a while). Obviously that would be fine because I understand that he cannot be seen to be moving out in order to see me again.

 

This is a most unexpected development & I do have my feet firmly on the ground & understand that it could be a delaying tactic but as I said he has come to the conclusion alone & when I asked him how he could live as he does he simply said he can't & the situation is driving him insane. This is a definite positive because I believe he is most likely to take action if it's for himself rather than if it's for anyone else.

 

My same sentiment still stands....

Everything you say about your situation is centered around him and what he is going to do, not going to do, if he is stressed, what is in his mind, blah blah versus what is best for you, where you're at and where you need to be.

 

This isn't about the affair IMO. If he divorces his wife tomorrow and starts a relationship with you, I don't think it would matter at all. It would not be the end of all problems....as you have a lot of self work and healing to do from pre-existing trauma, that no man or relationship, married or single, can solve.

 

I mean it with the best intention possible as you've hopefully seen from my other posts to you. I think that you deserve happiness and love but without self-love and healing yourself, there is no basis for either. I would be wrong to keep giving you advice about HIM when I know that's not gonna solve the problem.

[jwi71]

I accept that his W isn't going to want him to be in touch with me during the break. However, I don't see how she actually stop him, seeing as though we are still in touch virtually every day albeit we struggle more since D day to meet up.

 

Unintentionally hilarious.

The irony of a woman not knowing how a W can make life hell for an H ( or bf for that matter) is hilarious. If there is ANYTHING I have learned in life it's don't needlessly p_ss off the W or GF.

 

While she can't literally make you two stop, she can make you pay for it.

And she will.

And no one would blame her or cast even a sideways glance at her response. Witness Breezy's thread and the applause OW are sending there for the BS in that situation. ( oh the irony yet again).

 

Hell hath no wrath like a woman scorned.

Oh man is that true, btdt.

[Loni]

Unintentionally hilarious.

The irony of a woman not knowing how a W can make life hell for an H ( or bf for that matter) is hilarious. If there is ANYTHING I have learned in life it's don't needlessly p_ss off the W or GF.

 

While she can't literally make you two stop, she can make you pay for it.

And she will.

And no one would blame her or cast even a sideways glance at her response. Witness Breezy's thread and the applause OW are sending there for the BS in that situation. ( oh the irony yet again).

 

Hell hath no wrath like a woman scorned.

Oh man is that true, btdt.

 

Nods.

 

Yes those pesky wives can make life very difficult and they are going to be advised on infidelity sites to out you to everyone they can get a name for including family, friends and employers. The W in my case did that and luckily for me everyone already knew and it was old news.

 

These are some pretty angry women (rightfully so) and if they are working on keeping their man all the vitriol will be directed at you and it is substantial. They have a lot at stake. Is she a stayathomer?

 

The bottom line is that he does not appear to be leaving and at this point it's all talk. MM often talk of separation or divorce and rarely do they follow through. Some times it's good old cheaper to keep her, sometimes the marriage is not bad enough to leave. Does not matter if the marriage is bad, the only thing that matters is is it bad enough to leave.

[MissBee]

I'm very surprised that therapists would recommend a trial separation. Surely this would just drive the married couple further apart?

I know he hasn't given up on the M (30 odd years is a lot to give up on), but he doesn't want to walk away from me either & I think he knows something will blow up soon if things continue as they have been. I can see that him moving out 'temporarily' gives him chance to live both lives, but struggled to understand why his W would go for this. But from feedback you've given maybe she would.

 

Based on all you've said CC, even your own use of the terms that you guys are clingy and cling to each other, it makes sense why for you that would seem alarming. However, it is healthy and in fact positive for people to spend time a part to figure things out and work on themselves solo. I can imagine for you it would increase your anxiety and preoccupation with the person and bring to fore fears of losing this person, but that is simply not the case in a healthy setting.

 

You should research attachment styles...it is very useful in understanding you make romantic connections. There is healthy attachment and then various forms of unhealthy types of attachment. Anxious-preoccupied attachment seems to fit with many of the things you've expressed:

 

Anxious–preoccupied attachment

 

People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to agree with the following statements: "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on their partners—a condition colloquially termed clinginess. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They often doubt their worth as a partner and blame themselves for their partners' lack of responsiveness. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.