Will it happen?

[pureinheart]

This. All your threads are about trying to figure out what is going on in their heads. At the end of the day, we're bunch of strangers on the internet and we don't know, which means that you will take the answers you like and disregard others. If you really want to know, you need to ask his wife.

 

Take control of yourself instead of sitting around waiting. You'll feel so much better afterwards.

 

Due to experience in this area unfortunately, sometimes I hit it and sometimes I didn't, and this means all R's not just romantic.

 

I've seen men D'ed for years still carrying a torch for their former loves, and then I've seen men meet another and walk out of the M a week later spending the rest of their lives with the new person...you just never know.

 

My motto...sit and wait for noone, don't try to figure anything out except how to improve myself and surroundings. What is meant to be will...I see too many people these days striving for people, places and things that may never be what or who we hoped.

 

I have faith that does move mountains except in matters of the heart...maybe I'm wrong, although people have a free will, so with that will live my life for today and let tomorrow take care of itself:)

 

Good luck CC!

[pureinheart]

I'm very surprised that therapists would recommend a trial separation. Surely this would just drive the married couple further apart?

 

I know he hasn't given up on the M (30 odd years is a lot to give up on), but he doesn't want to walk away from me either & I think he knows something will blow up soon if things continue as they have been. I can see that him moving out 'temporarily' gives him chance to live both lives, but struggled to understand why his W would go for this. But from feedback you've given maybe she would.

 

This is very common and even Pastors recommend it. No sometimes it brings the MP's closer together because now they've had time to "miss" this other without all of the distractions concerning what broke up the M in the first place.

 

CC, if this were me, and it was me at one time, I'd be VERY skeptical.

Edited June 28, 2011 by pureinheart

[MissBee]

Due to experience in this area unfortunately, sometimes I hit it and sometimes I didn't, and this means all R's not just romantic.

 

I've seen men D'ed for years still carrying a torch for their former loves, and then I've seen men meet another and walk out of the M a week later spending the rest of their lives with the new person...you just never know.

 

My motto...sit and wait for noone, don't try to figure anything out except how to improve myself and surroundings. What is meant to be will...I see too many people these days striving for people, places and things that may never be what or who we hoped.

 

I have faith that does move mountains except in matters of the heart...maybe I'm wrong, although people have a free will, so with that will live my life for today and let tomorrow take care of itself:)

 

Good luck CC!

 

 

Agreed!

 

I wasted quite a bit of time trying to figure out someone else and their actions, in a way to control their destiny and to force it to be with me....smh...what a waste! What is to be will be, and waiting around in misery won't propel it along, neither will moving forward in life deter it from occurring.

[jwi71]

Sure, there are MM who are cake-eaters and will do anything and everything to continue both relationships. But, Crazy chick, do you really think your MM is one of them? Could he not be truly torn between you and his marriage? In that case I would say he is doing the best thing possible moving out to a place of his own to figure out what he wants with his life. I've seen this recommended by therapists as well.

 

While it is possible it's highly unlikely.

I say that because MCs who do suggest it don't also suggest that he continue to hide his OW, still see the W and fail to change anything except the bed he sleeps in.

 

My .02

[Loni]

Sure, there are MM who are cake-eaters and will do anything and everything to continue both relationships. But, Crazy chick, do you really think your MM is one of them? Could he not be truly torn between you and his marriage? In that case I would say he is doing the best thing possible moving out to a place of his own to figure out what he wants with his life. I've seen this recommended by therapists as well.

 

Actually, most MM are cake eaters. And how can he be torn? He has not been made to make a choice. He nor his wife are filing for divorce and CC ain't going nowhere.

 

I remember quite clearly when I left my husband. I moved away and we got divorced. One day out the frikken blue I got a call from my Ex's girlfriend telling me I had to let go of my ex husband. I was "excuse me?". Yeah, he had told her the reason he could not marry her was because I would not give him a divorce. I had to email her the link for the county that the divorce was filed in.

 

Oh and even after we broke up he still tried to get into my pants whenever he visited our child.

[Crazy chick1]

Sure, there are MM who are cake-eaters and will do anything and everything to continue both relationships. But, Crazy chick, do you really think your MM is one of them? Could he not be truly torn between you and his marriage? In that case I would say he is doing the best thing possible moving out to a place of his own to figure out what he wants with his life. I've seen this recommended by therapists as well.

 

I like to think so but do realise & appreciate that this would be relatively 'unusual' based on the feedback I've had. I am not naive enough to think that he is totally different to the rest but I do know there's something special about me & him together, which is what is causing conflict for him & it is causing real damage in what was by all accounts a good M. I have never truly expected that he would leave the M (& obviously early on it was never in my thoughts), but scarily it crept upon me & now eats away at me constantly & obviously now I would love to be with him exclusively.

 

I believe it was you that made the point that he would accept me feeling low & acting down because he loves me & to be fair, he always listens when I am down & tries to cheer me up. He never likes to end contact on a sad note. So I guess you had a point because my sadness doesn't appear to be driving him away.

 

I also loved the point made in a previous post, which stated that things will happen if they are going to, regardless of whether or not you analyse them. That actually gives me some strange sort of peace of mind.

[MissBee]

Actually, most MM are cake eaters. And how can he be torn? He has not been made to make a choice. He nor his wife are filing for divorce and CC ain't going nowhere.

 

I remember quite clearly when I left my husband. I moved away and we got divorced. One day out the frikken blue I got a call from my Ex's girlfriend telling me I had to let go of my ex husband. I was "excuse me?". Yeah, he had told her the reason he could not marry her was because I would not give him a divorce. I had to email her the link for the county that the divorce was filed in.

 

Oh and even after we broke up he still tried to get into my pants whenever he visited our child .

 

SMH

 

Such a mess lmao

[Crazy chick1]

Time will tell. I've been too hurt by things that have happened to expect too much. I fully realise this is not going to be a bed of roses, whatever happens.

[jj33]

So you have moved past his physical aggression towards you in the blink of an eye? I really hope you dont live to regret that.

 

In response to this thread, hes leaving and he isnt running to be with you. He isnt even sure he wants to be with you.

 

Right there you have a huge imbalance in the relationship. He wants both of you, and you want him.

 

I would leave him to his 6 months. Tell him auditions are over. If he isnt sure he wants you, then there is no need for you to keep hanging around.

 

As someone wise once said of APs in As, cut it out, this isnt a tryout for the baseball team.

 

After a certain point, either someone is planning to leave their marriage or they arent. Sometimes there are factors that keep them from acting but Im moving out but "im not sure what I want" shouldnt be one of them IMHO.

 

If you were happy being the OW that would be one thing, but its quite apparent you are not.

 

Take back your power.

[MissBee]

So you have moved past his physical aggression towards you in the blink of an eye? I really hope you dont live to regret that.

 

In response to this thread, hes leaving and he isnt running to be with you. He isnt even sure he wants to be with you.

 

Right there you have a huge imbalance in the relationship. He wants both of you, and you want him.

I would leave him to his 6 months. Tell him auditions are over. If he isnt sure he wants you, then there is no need for you to keep hanging around.

 

As someone wise once said of APs in As, cut it out, this isnt a tryout for the baseball team.

 

After a certain point, either someone is planning to leave their marriage or they arent. Sometimes there are factors that keep them from acting but Im moving out but "im not sure what I want" shouldnt be one of them IMHO.

 

If you were happy being the OW that would be one thing, but its quite apparent you are not.

 

Take back your power.

 

Ditto!

 

Great post

[Tenacity]

I feel for the pain you are in store for, CC.

 

I can tell you are still living in the fantasy world of the Affair Fog. I know how hard it is to get out of that, trust me.

 

My MM did the same thing... he "took a break" from his M and moved out for a period of time. This during the time that he was making promises to me about living together, his impending divorce, getting an apartment with me, and so on. What I refused to hear in his words were that he was not "divorcing" or even "separating" from his W, but he was just moving out to "get some clarity". I took it as a great sign. How could I hear this and still think that any of his words about divorcing were true? What a fog I was in.

 

Ultimately what happened is that after moving out, he realized that things weren't so bad with his W (who was by that point making noises about divorce as well, even though I do not believe she ever intended to do it). The thing was, the second she became independent and sent him on his way, he was instantly transformed, trying to figure out why she didn't want him. He lost his sense of power in the M. He was back home within a month, and "working on the marriage". He never left again.

 

Moral of the story is, the ONLY way you are going to get him to make a choice, is to give him one, and that means walking away. You are afraid to walk away for the same reason I was... because you know, deep down, what choice he will make. So you continue to let him sit on the fence because it's less painful for the moment.

 

I know exactly what you are going through. I wish it would turn out different, but this guy sounds even more messed up and unstable than most of the MM I have heard about.

 

And the thing with pushing you against the car? That is something to be seriously scared about. That is NOT normal behavior.

[MissBee]

I feel for the pain you are in store for, CC.

 

I can tell you are still living in the fantasy world of the Affair Fog. I know how hard it is to get out of that, trust me.

 

My MM did the same thing... he "took a break" from his M and moved out for a period of time. This during the time that he was making promises to me about living together, his impending divorce, getting an apartment with me, and so on. What I refused to hear in his words were that he was not "divorcing" or even "separating" from his W, but he was just moving out to "get some clarity". I took it as a great sign. How could I hear this and still think that any of his words about divorcing were true? What a fog I was in.

 

Ultimately what happened is that after moving out, he realized that things weren't so bad with his W (who was by that point making noises about divorce as well, even though I do not believe she ever intended to do it). The thing was, the second she became independent and sent him on his way, he was instantly transformed, trying to figure out why she didn't want him. He lost his sense of power in the M. He was back home within a month, and "working on the marriage". He never left again.

 

Moral of the story is, the ONLY way you are going to get him to make a choice, is to give him one, and that means walking away. You are afraid to walk away for the same reason I was... because you know, deep down, what choice he will make. So you continue to let him sit on the fence because it's less painful for the moment.

 

I know exactly what you are going through. I wish it would turn out different, but this guy sounds even more messed up and unstable than most of the MM I have heard about.

 

And the thing with pushing you against the car? That is something to be seriously scared about. That is NOT normal behavior.

 

Beautifully said

[chalkfarm]

It took me almost a year to realize that he must have been the one begging to be allowed back into the house. He told me he was tired of hearing the words "I need to take care of myself"....... hmmmmm... only would have been said if he was the one begging for the separation.

 

Oops! Should read - "only would have been said if he was the one begging for the reconciliation."

 

Freud would have loved that one.