Please don't judge me......need a friend

[dazednconfused]

here is my story. I will try and be brief. I met my mm 8 years ago. At the time we were both married. We were friends for awhile and eventually gave into our feelings for eachother and have now been in a relationship for the past 5 1/2 years. Our story sounds like so many others that I have read here. We love eachother very much and have a connection like no other. My marriage ended 18 months ago as I could no longer deal with the guilt and the tension in my own home. His on the other hand has been a real nightmare.

 

We have 5 children between us - 2 mine 3 his. We live in the same neighborhood and have alot of the same friends. His wife has suspicions but he has never confirmed or denied anything. Knowing her personally, I have asked him not to tell her the truth as I am sure she will take it out on the children. Two of our girls are best friends (age 10) and I know she would split them apart.

 

He has tried everything else to have her understand that he no longer wants to be married. He told her he didn't love her. He has stopped accompanying her anywhere. He has set up another home, opened separate bank accounts told his family that he wants a divorce but she refuses to accept it.

 

Last month he went to his parents for a couple of days. His thought was that he would tell her he needed space and then not return. After two days she shows up unannounced with 3 children in tow and creates a horrific scene - screaming, kids crying, parents shocked. Anyway, he agrees to go home and based on the advice of his parents enter into counselling so that she can get help understanding that the marriage is over and they need to work together for the sake of the girls.

 

SSOOOO........here we are 4 weeks and 5 therapy sessions later. I feel horrible. I feel horrible about me and the way I have become so needy and insecure. I feel horrible for what he is going through. He loves his girls and is in incredible pain. I feel horrible that I find it hard to be supportive and strong all the time. He acknowledges my pain and constantly reassures me that we will get through this but sometimes it just hurts so much. When things are hard between us I always resort to the idea that if he loved me ENOUGH then he would just leave and we would work it out from there. I know in my intelligent mind that that is not very rational but I am not always feeling very rational. I also knows I hurt him when I say this.

 

Please don't judge me. I am a good person in a bad situation. I love him deeply and am just hoping that someone out there can help me find the strength I need to hang in there.

[clia]

He has tried everything else to have her understand that he no longer wants to be married.

 

Except filing for divorce.

[dazednconfused]

He has filed. She refuses to take the papers to an attorney. She uses the children. His greatest fear is that she will turn them against him. He has a hard time understanding that his relationship with them will continue to grow, that anything she may do would only do more damage.

[dazednconfused]

he has filed. She refuses to see an attorney. Uses the children. His biggest fear is that she will turn them against him. He can't grasp that his relationship with them will continue to grow.

[Arabess]

There ARE men who have to deal with hysterical wives. Some women really are mortified to be alone....even if having to stay married to a man who has admitted they are no longer loved.

 

I disagree with him 'starting counselling' while deciding to stay at home. It's giving her the wrong signal and is allowing her to manipualte him in the future. Using his kids as an excuse...is just an excuse. Kids go thru dramatic divorces everyday and still love BOTH parents. If anything....in some divorces...the kids are the only mature factors.

 

IF I were in your position, I would back off. Not because you don't want him to feel supported by you....but so he totally understands that it is HER or YOU. If you continue to see him...then you enable him to find solace in your company....rather than addressing his real discontent. So, I would step WAY BACK and advise him to deal with his problems and THEN call you once he's taken control of it.

 

Sure....he'll miss you and feel all alone out there facing his crap....but that's the whole point. He can either chose to live in it forever or be a man and make an adult decision not to be manipulated by her emotional outbursts once he has already said it was OVER!

 

No judgement here.....I hope you keep posting as to what is going on with you!!!!

 

Arabess

[dazednconfused]

Arabess,

Thank you for your thoughts. Having read many of your posts, I was hoping you would respond. As you can imagine there have been a number of occasions that have led me to back off. But we always end up back together. He says he needs me to help him. Says that I am his safe place. The counseler has met with them together and separately. He is aware of my MM feelings and has assured him that he has helped dissolve as many relationships as he has saved.

 

I know that your advice is sound and probably exactly what I need to do, but to be perfectly honest I don't know if I can do it. The idea scares me terribly.

[havesomerespect]

You have been carrying on an affair for five and a half years.

What makes you think that all of a sudden it is going to work out for you?

 

By the way, next time you decide to have an affair, have the deceny not to make it one that involves your children - ie. not the mother of your kid's best friend. When it all comes out in the wash - as everything does - besides how can you explain to your child why she is no longer allowed to play with her best friend? Or if your dream comes true about the two of you getting together - how can a child understand this? Above all else you can't let her blame herself.

 

My advice is realize you have made some bad decisions and instead of just living with the consequences - work on yourself. Stay away from this man. Deal with the emotions and sadness by improving yourself. Take some classes, get some hobbies. Try to be the kind of woman your children can respect. Then find a man who can give himself to you completely.

[dazednconfused]

havesomerespect-

 

In response to your answer, I didn't wake up one morning and decide to have an affair. Nor did I lack the decency to protect my children. When we first met we did not live in the same community. That happened 3 years ago. It's a small community and when our girls began school that year they quickly became friends. This was not encouraged or discouraged by anyone.

 

I do not blame anyone but myself for the situation that I am in at the present time. Please be aware that this story transends a very long time so that if all the details are not immediately apparent, I apologize.

 

"My advice is realize you have made some bad decisions and instead of just living with the consequences - work on yourself. Stay away from this man. Deal with the emotions and sadness by improving yourself. Take some classes, get some hobbies. Try to be the kind of woman your children can respect."

 

I appreciate your response. I know I what my faults are on I work on them everyday.

[Girlie]

I'm not going to tell you the evils of an affair because it sounds like you at least understand them. However, I will say that, just from what you said, it sounds like this man lets his wife manipulate him horribly. 5 1/2 years and he hasn't been able to get away? Sorry....I really don't mean to sounds harsh, but she can throw tantrums till the cows come home and she will because she gets something out of them. This last time, he even moved home. That's a bad sign because there's a good chance that the manipulation on her part won't stop even with a divorce. Just something to keep in mind.

[dazednconfused]

Thank you Girlie. You are 100% correct when you say she manipulates him. He went to the counselor tonight and the counselor drove that point home. She attempts to control him and uses guilt as her tool. He told the doctor that he wants out NOW and feels at a loss as to how to make this happen without jeopardizing his relationship with the girls. Once again the doctor has reassured him that progress is being made in this direction. ( he meets with her tomorrow)

 

In the meantime I am searching to try and find the strength to hang in there.

[Debster]

Instead of "searching to find the strength to stay in there" should you be putting that effort into your children and trying to figure out why you would get involved with a married man (still living at home!) and want to be in a relationship where you feel "horrible".

 

BTW, his wife might be manipulating him, but he is manipulating you.

He says he needs me to help him. Says that I am his safe place.

[reachingskywards]

Dear dazednconfused.

 

Firstly - I'm sorry there are so many rude people on this board when you need help. I think only an OW can understand another OW...

 

I agree that you should back off. I think you can still do this without totally abandoning him... You can say to him that you are still there if he really needs you but that this is difficult for you and you need some space in order to get through it. I think that if you're always there catering for his needs he is going to take you for granted. While you have more space you might want to consider what your needs are in this. Make sure that he knows very clearly what your needs are.

 

Secondly I would put a time limit in your mind on how long are you going to allow the counselling etc to go on?? I know that breaking up a marriage is hard to do and doesn't happen over night. But you need to consider how long is reasonable and what you might do if things haven't changed by then. Is it another month?? Another two months??? Also -- did he tell the counsellor he was having an affair, and if not, why not... ?

 

I still don't understand why he hasn't been able to walk out if he really wants to. I'm sure that he could just go out and rent himself an appartment if he really wanted to... and just move out. I suspect that at a deeper level there may be reasons why he's still there.

[hART]

Being the child of devorced parents and also someone with slightly above average jealousy, I don't think you are wrong.

Being with someone for 5 and a half years makes breaking up difficult and he probably relies on you for support.

If she is afraid to let go, they should try to repair thier damaged relationship. Telling her about the affair wouldn't make her leave him, because she doesn't want to be abandoned.

Having the parents living in separate homes would be hard on the kids and being separated fro thier father could be very harmful.

It sounds like you have been seeing a therapist about this, he/she can give you the best advice.

I'd worry if you are hurting someone with serious issues and would do some soul searching into why you are dating this man (if you posted this here, it's a good start)

 

In an ideal world, he would be divorced or they would work out thier differences (not so perfect for you, but better for the kids).

 

I hope you figure out a good compromise.

[NatoPMT]

Hi Dazed

 

From what i can gather, the main issue here in his moving away from this marriage is that he is frightened of losing his children, or their respect. If he already has his own home, and is settled in other ways, then can he gain joint custody? I am assuming that the more time he spends away, the more his wife will have influence over them. As long as he makes the time and effort to sustain a good relationship with them, he will maintain their trust, depending on their ages. some ages are more 'difficult' than others.

 

My father left when i was 7, i wasnt even told he was leaving, i asked my sister where he was one day as i hadnt seen him for a few days. My mother is exceptionally bitter towards him, 25 years later she still likes to play games with this, when i travel the 250 miles home, she monopolises my time and makes me feel guilty for wanting to see friends and the rest of the family. The result of her behaviour, in both my & my sisters eyes is respect for my father, who has never, ever got involved her squabbles, never retaliated, never entered into tit-for-tat.

 

He can keep his children and their relationship. I dont know if its available, but his wife needs to learn what is best for her children, she needs to speak to a professional that will help her understand that their needs shouldnt be neglected so she can use them as weapons. Is there break up counselling? there must be...

 

BB