Putting MM words to the test - what I learned

[fooled once]

Is it possible to thread jack my own thread? New to this. If someone wants to start this topic, if that's the appropriate thing to do, by all means. In a way, I believe this is still on topic.

 

Spark - I appreciate your insight. For the majority of evidence - texts, photos, videos, that got trashed, deleted, and used as a pooper scooper for my dog....it was a hard day. However, I do have some letters,maybe an email or two, and can provide details on trips, times, dates, ext. I honestly feel ashamed and remorseful as a woman. I couldn't see past my own needs to care that the thing that would make me the most happy, would be the one thing that would destroy another person. I have learned from this experience enough to NEVER go down this path again, but to also not judge others in their romantic pursuits. With that being said, and I truly mean that, I would not on my own tell his wife. I was involved in their marriage long enough.

 

Now, if a post affair D-Day were to occur....If she were to remain rational, I would say to her that I will be happy to answer her questions, and adknowledge the 3 yr EA and 1.5 yr PA. However, after that point, should she wish to know any other information I would only do it with xMM on the line as well - as to make sure i'm not labeled as a phoney, stalker, hooker, ext'c. xMM does not know what info I have or do not have. If I am going to get thrown under the bus, I will at least be wearing my protective gear.

 

I also agree with Loni - I don't think anything constructive can come out of knowing the XXX details.

 

But who really knows until faced with the situation.....I do know she has anger issues....a very large close "extreme Christian" family, whom she was always the Princess - and 3 sisters that also reside in our town. It's on my mind. The pain I am going through is karma in it's self. But, now that I can focus on things other than our next encounter - I am slowly seeing the potential fallout.

 

Kinda condescending about his wife aren't you? She trusted him. She was busy raising 3 kids. She knew he didn't have a 9-5 job; and again SHE TRUSTED HER HUSBAND. Why shouldn't she? Most of us married people don't feel the need to constantly check up on our spouses; I realize when a person is a mistress, there can be certain levels of lack of trust, being as the mistress knows the MM is cheating and lying. But the wife very well may NOT know and to take shots that she SHOULD have known...why? Why should she have known? Do you know for a fact that each day when he returned home he didn't walk up and kiss her, tell her he missed her and loved her? Do you know whether or not they would sit and caress each other while watching TV? Do you for a fact whether or not they spent hours upon hours discussing their next vacation? Do you know for a fact that they didn't have hot sex 4 nights a week? No, you don't. You only have the words of a KNOWN liar.

 

Loni. I knew all that already. I went into hyperdrive when I discovered the existence of the OW. It was almost a relief to have a reason for his cruelty and distance and criticisms.

 

I saw the bank statements, the cell phone records. I just WANTED SOMEONE, ANYONE, to give me finally the dignity of the truth of it all.

 

No one did for a LONG time. After repeated attempts. I lost respect for both of them.

 

Own your actions if they are authentic. Don't lie, don't hide, like errant, rebellious children.

 

Who did you think you were protecting? If someone, anyone, came forward and told the truth, I could have respected that.

 

I already knew it all. Or most of it.

 

I agree Spark. What GEL is talking about, in revealing intimate moments, isn't what a BS really wants. BUT if she did, so what. We know that many MM tell the mistress how unloved and unsexed he is at home. Heck, we have seen so many stories on here where the MM is quite explicit about the sexual habits of him and his wife. So I guess it is okay for the MM to spill stuff about HER (the wife), but goodness knows, no one should say anything about the sex life of the mistress?

 

GEL, I took it the same way Spark did about wanting to hear the truth from someone. Some of the heart breaking stories I have read on LS; I shake my head at how utterly insensitive and cruel some MM and OW are towards the wife.

[Loni]

:eek:you hitched up with a scoundral this deceptively cruel? You are okay with him doing all this to another?

 

It happens all the time dear. If you think these things don't happen between affair partners you are being exceedingly naive. You didn't think that women just jump into relationships where the MM is presenting his wife as all that and a bag of chips hold the salsa do you?

 

Marriages are talked about a lot. Again, go google infidelity forums and find out what both men and women are posting about their spouses.

 

So if they leave how much honesty do you think the BS is gonna get? hmmm?

 

To answer your question, yes I married him.

[Upside]

Upside, if you have anything proving your post, a conversation where you said enough is enough and HE continues to contact you.....I do not think it would be a bad idea to send to email and save.

 

That's all I am saying.... So you cannot be thrown under a bus, unfairly, with misplaced retribution and revenge aimed your way.

 

 

Thank you. VERY good point.

[Upside]

That does sound better. As, he was planning how to introduce kids to you during the transition I take it? In previous reading, it sounded like it was up to you to plan his exit and that was concerning. Did his whole family go for his b'day/anniversery trip, or just he and his W? Also, sorry to be the cynic but I've read too much and lived t.... Other than the time he spends with you, do you have more evidence of just how separate their lives are. Do you have any insight of how they jointly handle finances, parenting, etc?

 

He handles everything - and even handles the financial side of her business. In addition, he handles the finances. I do know this for a fact. Their children and both of them are/were going on a 10 day trip. The last period of NC (10 days) before this period of NC they went on another vacay - which prompted that NC, thats when he came to with with the logistics discussion.

 

As for their lives being separate, allow me to clarify. They both have the same religious upbringing. It is a VERY tight knit community. Their families all followed them when they moved cross country post college. Both have large families - so they spend time together quite often, that's a big part I have contended with. They get along, put on a show, then do their own things completely away from Gatherings and Children. I am talking separate friends, interests, all of it. He works many hours - always have. She has several sitters, her children, and a social life - so not a lot of time is spent together on a day to day quality basis.

[Upside]

Kinda condescending about his wife aren't you? She trusted him. She was busy raising 3 kids. She knew he didn't have a 9-5 job; and again SHE TRUSTED HER HUSBAND. Why shouldn't she? Most of us married people don't feel the need to constantly check up on our spouses; I realize when a person is a mistress, there can be certain levels of lack of trust, being as the mistress knows the MM is cheating and lying. But the wife very well may NOT know and to take shots that she SHOULD have known...why? Why should she have known? Do you know for a fact that each day when he returned home he didn't walk up and kiss her, tell her he missed her and loved her? Do you know whether or not they would sit and caress each other while watching TV? Do you for a fact whether or not they spent hours upon hours discussing their next vacation? Do you know for a fact that they didn't have hot sex 4 nights a week? No, you don't. You only have the words of a KNOWN liar.

 

 

 

I agree Spark. What GEL is talking about, in revealing intimate moments, isn't what a BS really wants. BUT if she did, so what. We know that many MM tell the mistress how unloved and unsexed he is at home. Heck, we have seen so many stories on here where the MM is quite explicit about the sexual habits of him and his wife. So I guess it is okay for the MM to spill stuff about HER (the wife), but goodness knows, no one should say anything about the sex life of the mistress?

 

GEL, I took it the same way Spark did about wanting to hear the truth from someone. Some of the heart breaking stories I have read on LS; I shake my head at how utterly insensitive and cruel some MM and OW are towards the wife.

 

I appreciate your feedback, and am familiar with the point of view asking "why the wife should NOT trust HER husband, her life partner, the father of her children. And I absolutely agree.

However, what perhaps I did not make clear enough is they were having major problems - over the last several months. This point was verified. Her family members were pulling him aside. He was openly going to IC several times a week. She left with the kids, for several days after a huge blow up that started on the phone, in my presence. He was acting out. As it has been stated people in affairs do. Quicker to criticize, when before he would push his needs aside to AVOID CONFLICT. xMM was a textbook conflict avoider.

 

With that being said, I am sure they kissed and made up. They went on a trip a month after the fact. He still lived there. So, as for the making up, I wasn't there. But I don't need to be there to deny it wasnt happening. my point is, things were VERY tense for several months - EVERYONE KNEW.

 

You should absolutely trust your life partner - if you don't or can't what is the point? But as a woman, when you notice a dramatic change of behavior, feel a huge disconnect seemly out of nowhere, if you care about your relationship you will seek out the source of the issue IMO.

[Gentlegirl]

The MM I was involved with did the same thing after DDay. Just turned around and walked away after 3 years of intense relationship.

 

He sent me a piss weak email about staying positive and how I would aaaalways be in his heart. If needed help I only had to ask him. As if he'd be the one I'd ask!

 

Haven't heard a squeak since. He did give me the gift of being free from him. My life is 200% better without him after almost 7 months NC

 

Be grateful he is no longer in your life and keep it that way,

 

HOping for you,

 

Gentlegirl

[Spark1111]

work stress work stress work stress they are told over and again. Are you not grumpy and tense and short fused when stressed?

 

I could write paragraphs that would make everyone cry if I were to detail how I and our children stood on our heads trying to make this man happy.

 

We chalked it up to job stress, life stress, the recent death of his dad, begged counseling. You name it, we tried it.

 

And then we prayed he would just come out of it....a phase...a mid-life depression....a distancing so profound, we were living with Ghost man and hoping and awaiting his emotional return.

 

And then we had DDAY, and all the pieces fell into place. Almost a relief, but then the anger came up from our toes and all hell broke loose.

 

The resentment was profound. Some days....still is. And people truly believe children are unaffected by affairs. Ha! They should have lived in my house.