How to deal with best friends relationship problems

[HurtZ]

My best friend has been in a dysfunctional relationship for several years. They are constantly breaking up and getting back together. He can be a nice guy but they do bring out the worse in each other.

 

Well, they recently have been getting in so many fights. Breaking up and she constantly vents to me about it. I always try to listen and be supportive of her even though I don’t agree with her actions all the time. However, now I’m getting sick of hearing about him because she will never take my advice and just let him go.

 

So they got into a fight the other day and it was mainly her fault and she keeps going on about how awful he is because he threatened to tell her family about her behavior.

 

After listening to it for an hour last night, then her going off about it again during my lunch break today I kind of lost it and told her “ I’m sick of hearing about him.” She got upset and said I was the only person that she has to talk to about it and hung up on me.

 

I apologized for hurting her feelings and being short, but explained to her that I don’t know what else to say about him because it is clear she won’t take my advice and leave him

 

Am I being a bad bestie? How can I make her see that they aren’t good for each other if she’s constantly venting to me about him? HELP!

[bittermelon]

Hi Hurtz

 

I happen to be in the exact same situation right now, except the situation is reversed with me. I recently got into a big fight with my bestie and hung up the phone on her because she got into this big lecture about my life, my job, my choice to live where I am, my boyfriend, etc. The reason why I hung up on her was because I really felt like she was critiquing everything I was telling her, judging me on my choices and basically questioning my lifestyle. I know you and your friend are having a fight over her boyfriend but mine is pretty similar as she thinks all my issues stem from my relationship with my bf.

 

This is how it looks like from my point of view (and probably your friend's). I tell my (ex?) best friend this stuff not because I'm looking to her for a solution. I tell her this stuff because I feel like I can vent to her and not be judged and sometimes it just helps to have someone listen so I can get it off my chest. However, I can see why it becomes too much for her to bear and she just wants me to be done with this relationship because it seems like I'm venting but not taking her advice. The thing is, 99% of the time I'll listen to the advice but unless I'm 100% focused on changing, no matter how much she tells me I need to do this and that, I won't until I'm ready.

 

In your situation, you've had it with the listening and you don't want to hear anymore. I get that. If it bothers you so much to listen to anymore of her relationship, then tell her that you love her and you want to help but it's too hard for you to hear her talk about it anymore. I really think she just wants someone to listen to her, but not the advice. If you are prepared to be that person, then be that person but nothing more. If you find that she continues to ask for advice, don't give it to her. If you can't listen to her without wanting to lose it on her, tell her that you can't talk about her relationship with her anymore but u will be there for her for anything else.

 

Just remember that you can't make a person change unless they are ready to.

 

I've made an effort to not tell this friend of mine anything else about my relationship anymore, by the way, because i realized that she was no longer interested in hearing about it without wanting to dispense unsolicited advice. Maybe your friend will learn to do the same.

[SpiralOut]

No you are NOT being a bad friend.

 

What you are doing is setting boundaries. It's not fair for you to listen to her go on and on about a problem that she has no intention of actually fixing (since she doesn't want your advice).

 

I used to have a friend like that and after a while I told her "I don't want to hear about it anymore." She took it pretty well, surprisingly. Since your friend is not taking it well, I'll give you some advice that someone gave me when telling me how to set boundaries:

 

You can let her vent for a little bit and then cut her off. Next time she vents, listen for about 10 minute and then change the subject. If she gets upset, or changes the subject back, maybe tell her that you understand she's upset, but you've listened to what she has to say so let's focus on something more fun now. You could make it sound like it's more for her than it is for you. I mean, it's really NOT good for her to be thinking so much about negative things. You can say lets talk about something else to get your mind off things.

 

Oh right and I would stop giving her advice unless she actually asks for it. Sometimes people vent because all they want is to feel like someone understands them.

Edited July 7, 2011 by SpiralOut