capitald Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 The grass is greener on the other side or is it. I often feel like the male Carrie Bradshaw but I always like to delve into things that interest me. I like to stay a step ahead of the game as it were. What's so hard about staying together? Thats my question? I had a professor friend that said that "everyday we have 10,000 reasons to break up, what is that one reason we should stay together." I think people are always trying to find flaws in their relationships which is a bad habit. Either that or we have so many fears that come up in the form of rational thoughts that tell us there is something wrong with the relationship eventhough in all actuality it is doing quite fine but still the fears can be so strong. Some people say they don't need to be necessarily happy in a relationship, they are just looking to commit to someone because they have a need to commit. I know in America this sounds far out because we are so hooked on the idea of our own individual happiness. On the other hand, I do not believe in settling, I believe in finding someone I really enjoy being with and will be happy to spend my life with. On the flipside of that however, I think the bigger problem is not sticking with people that are no good for us but it is not giving the people we are involved with enough of a chance. We are always looking for faults. Maybe all we need is that one thing in common. I know that there is a post on here by a girl that said that all she has in common with her bf was good sex and she asked what people thought of that. I think, hey, sex is important to a relationship, its hard to find someone we can can really enjoy and feel comfortable making love to. Thats no easy task in itself. But I even think if that particular girl gave it more thought she might even find that she had some other things in common with her bf, she might even find innumerable things. Once you start to look you might be astonished, amazed at all the things you share. As a matter of fact you might find the commonalities to be the most wondrous things about the relationship. Its like that song "Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Sky where the singer says "thats the one thing we got" (they both liked that particular movie). Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 What's so hard about staying together? I would argue that people are, by nature, inclined to be dissatisfied with what they have. This may be conditioning as set out for us especially in Western cultures that reflect the "biggerbetterfastermore" concept that fuels our economy, and our lives in general. I would also argue that people are very well aware on some level that there is in fact a great big huge world out there, and that human beings are also inclined to be curious. Perosonally, I do not fault anyone for their curiosities; it is this that has led mankind to great discoveries such as particle physics and mathematics, as well as brilliant works of art and poetry, social sciences, economics, etc. etc. etc. Curiosity also leads people down rather destructive paths, as in the case of interpersonal relationships that seem to be headed south, and one party or another decides to satiate their curiosity by raiding someone's e-mail box or journal, etc. I guess, then, my answer to your question is that what's hard about staying together is that people are seriously curious and insatiably dissatisfied. You'll notice that those who are in content sorts of situations tend to have comfort and/or complacency (some would call this "security") in their routines, and therefore choose to omit curiosity from their M.O. Perhaps it is respect for the significant other in their lives that helps curb this curiosity, at least for a time. This is all on a rather general level, of course, and it's more hypothesizing on my part. I think the bigger problem is not sticking with people that are no good for us but it is not giving the people we are involved with enough of a chance That is a rather arbitrary notion, though. How much is "enough of a chance"? Maybe all we need is that one thing in common. Could it be that the one thing in common is tremendous focus of that natural human curiosity on one another? Just a thought. Unfortunately, there are no laws that govern human behavior. It is both the blessing and the curse of our species that we are so diverse a bunch of organisms. Perhaps a simple solution would be learning to appreciate and respect not those things we have in common, but those things we do not have in common; appreciation for something we don't have allows for personal growth, even if it is absolutely uncomfortable. I truly wish my brain was more in "function" mode, because although I have several other comments half-formed in my head right now, none of them seem to want to gel! I'm sure this suffices for now, though. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 Maybe all we need is that one thing in common. The best thing any two people can have in common is the feeling that they have lucked into finding a most amazing person to love. Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 Maybe all we need is that one thing in common. The best thing any two people can have in common is the feeling that they have lucked into finding a most amazing person to love. Sooooooooooooooo beautifully stated, moi. Here I am getting all overanalytical and stuff...sheesh. Where DID my romanticism run off to? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme Maybe all we need is that one thing in common. The best thing any two people can have in common is the feeling that they have lucked into finding a most amazing person to love. YES. Link to post Share on other sites
Author capitald Posted April 21, 2004 Author Share Posted April 21, 2004 yes but I feel we need to strike a balance being too curious and too insatiably (nice word by the way) seeking perfection and being too complacent or rountine. Lets just call this middle road being realistic or practical. Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 cap said: Lets just call this middle road being realistic or practical. Pragmatism is all well and good. Remember, too, that beyond curiosity and that (absurd in my mind, though not in many others' minds!) search for perfection is human emotionality. To strive for a balance between intellectual pursuits and the workings of the heart, combined with the all-too-present biological imperatives () may be the greater challenge yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author capitald Posted April 22, 2004 Author Share Posted April 22, 2004 Sometimes appreciating what is different or what is not very familar to you about your other is a big challenge. Good point two sides....!!!! (i think you made this point earlier) Link to post Share on other sites
Author capitald Posted April 23, 2004 Author Share Posted April 23, 2004 I have had a change of heart, well somewhat of one. Sometimes differences are too big, sometimes what is different or something I find that is too strange, is too much for me. Sometimes the way in which a person is different can be too much of a gap for me, especially if it really bothers me or causes me to great a deal of suffering or pain. I really do not feel I deserve to suffer and feel harm or pain. Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 Sometimes differences are too big Agreed wholeheartedly. No elaboration necessary, in my opinion. Along the same lines, the infamous Shakespeare quote: "Above all else...to thine own self be true..." It is all well and good to attempt to accept everything and everyone for who they are and what they do, but (pragmatism speaking) this does not mean you must put yourself in situations that are uncomfortable for you, and as you said, especially if it really bothers me or causes me to great a deal of suffering or pain. Some sacrifices are well worth the initial pain. Some are not. It is a very individual choice to make, but I applaud you for knowing your own boundaries and being willing to stick up for them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author capitald Posted April 23, 2004 Author Share Posted April 23, 2004 Thank you twosidestoeverystory, yes I know its not easy for people to stand their ground but it is much more condusive to sanity in terms of the big picture. Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted April 24, 2004 Share Posted April 24, 2004 From what I've seen of your posting here, even that which I have seriously disagreed with (as you're plenty well aware) you seem to know at least that you've got your head directed as you see fit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author capitald Posted April 24, 2004 Author Share Posted April 24, 2004 Thankyou twosidestostories, its 4am in the morning and I just woke up and I am not feeling so good. You reply was much needed support. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted April 24, 2004 Share Posted April 24, 2004 I call 'em as I see 'em, cap. That it was helpful to you is nice to know, though. (4am - a common hour for insomniacs?) Link to post Share on other sites
jlove421 Posted April 27, 2004 Share Posted April 27, 2004 I agree with your statement and I am happy that I decided to read this. It just so happens that for the last few days I've been upset about my situation with my boyfriend. We've been together for 3 years and last august moved in an apartment together. Once moving in with each other I've felt like we don't spend enought quality time together because we don't have anything in common. Some of the things that I like to do, he doesn't and vice versa. But I have to remember that something attracted us together and there obviously were things that we did together but my question is how do we get there again? You're also right about finding faults in our partners. I have that problem. When I feel insecure about something or hurt about something instead of saying so I somehow turn it to something that he did or didn't do to make me feel that certain way. I'm not saying that there isn't truth to that though. There are and have been times where he's done something and it did make me feel a certain way. But on a whole I do know that a lot of it stems from my insecurities. But at this point I still don't know what we're going to do. Link to post Share on other sites
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