Chelsea55 Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 I am new to this so please be kind I have been seeing D for a few months now we met at work he is a gorgeous man, strong, loyal and very deep does not let his feelings out. Everything has happened so quick we met I asked him out for a meal he told me he was married but the attraction was so strong and I knew he was unhappy, by the way I am not in the habit of doing this. Anyway we got extremely close and it got very intense then without going into too much detail things happened to block us seeing so much of each other but we made time somehow. The bottom line is his wife has found out D covered it up by saying it was someone at work he was helping etc there was no actual evidence really and she could not prove anything but she does know he was having an affair she told him that but asked him to promise it was over so he did. He says he still wants to see me take me out etc but no naughties...he has another mobile and he rings me on that as much as he can but he is distant and wont talk about his feelings I am due to see him next week and don't know what to do...should I let him go? I am in love with him there is no doubt I know he is very confused and I don't think he knows where he wants to be! Link to post Share on other sites
mytwoworlds Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 you need to stop this now before it goes any further and I'm talking from experience. If doesn't know where he is at now, the chances are he probably won't this time next year. Don't make things any worse for yourselves by persuing this. You will fall emotionally involved and he will not seeing as he doesn't know what he wants and it will only be you that gets hurt in the end. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
mytwoworlds Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 I'm sorry, I've just read that you are in love with him. This will only end in one way....in tears. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 So he had the opportunity to tell the truth. To be with you.To tell her he was unhappy and wanted out....yet he lied to her. He is gas lighting her. Playing with her mental and emotional health. What does his actions say to you. The fact that he denied you, being with you? What does his actions say about him lying to his wife to stay with her? He is protecting himself...not you and certainly not her. Get out now. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 I am new to this so please be kind I have been seeing D for a few months now we met at work he is a gorgeous man, strong, loyal and very deep does not let his feelings out. haha, yeah, he's clearly loyal!! :laugh: Everything has happened so quick we met I asked him out for a meal he told me he was married but the attraction was so strong and I knew he was unhappy, by the way I am not in the habit of doing this. Anyway we got extremely close and it got very intense then without going into too much detail things happened to block us seeing so much of each other but we made time somehow. How did you know he was unhappy? If he's so closed off and doesn't share his feelings - how did you know he was unhappy? The bottom line is his wife has found out D covered it up by saying it was someone at work he was helping etc there was no actual evidence really and she could not prove anything but she does know he was having an affair she told him that but asked him to promise it was over so he did. Good thing you didn't list "honest" in your description of this stand up guy! He says he still wants to see me take me out etc but no naughties...he has another mobile and he rings me on that as much as he can but he is distant and wont talk about his feelings I am due to see him next week and don't know what to do...should I let him go? I am in love with him there is no doubt I know he is very confused and I don't think he knows where he wants to be! Don't believe anything this guy tells you. He wants to be friends - that could only be for 1 of 2 reasons: 1. He's missing some emotional connection in his M, and you're going to be providing that - believe me, by doing so, you're not going to make him realize what a prize you are - you're just going to make his M more tolerable because you're filling a void for him and so being with his wife wont seem so bad. or... 2. He knows that he can easily weasel his way back into your bed and make the quick transition from friends to f**k buddies quite easily. it could be both things - but either way, you're being used. I'm sorry that you've already invested your heart into this man, but get out before you invest years of your life, before you give up your self esteem and your spirit for a person that's already proven to be a disloyal, lying user. just advice from someone that's been there in their own way... good luck Link to post Share on other sites
growingpains Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 I think you know the answer. Let him go... The longer it goes on the more painful it will be. I completely understand that it is entirely possible to have feelings for more than one person, however it generally only brings hurt to those involved. If he doesn't know where he wants to be and is distant etc then letting him go will give him the space to decide. If he comes back to you saying he's realised he no longer loves/wants to be with his wife then you can see how you feel then, but for your own self-esteem and sanity don't expect that to happen. I'm sure a few stolen, sneaky moments is not what you are looking for if you have fallen for him already? Even if you think it is now, as feelings get deeper you'll find it won't be enough. So find your self-respect and your conscience and do the right thing. It will be difficult but is possible and will be the route of less pain for all concerned in the long run. GP Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 I am new to this so please be kind I have been seeing D for a few months now we met at work he is a gorgeous man, strong, loyal and very deep does not let his feelings out. Everything has happened so quick we met I asked him out for a meal he told me he was married but the attraction was so strong and I knew he was unhappy, by the way I am not in the habit of doing this. Anyway we got extremely close and it got very intense then without going into too much detail things happened to block us seeing so much of each other but we made time somehow. The bottom line is his wife has found out D covered it up by saying it was someone at work he was helping etc there was no actual evidence really and she could not prove anything but she does know he was having an affair she told him that but asked him to promise it was over so he did. He says he still wants to see me take me out etc but no naughties...he has another mobile and he rings me on that as much as he can but he is distant and wont talk about his feelings I am due to see him next week and don't know what to do...should I let him go? I am in love with him there is no doubt I know he is very confused and I don't think he knows where he wants to be! Yes, you should let him go. He obviously has no plans to leave his wife, otherwise, when she found out he wouldn't have lied. But, he still wants to see you.... Over the long haul, it looks to me like there is hurt in your future if you don't let him go now. It will hurt now - but the longer you spend your time on him the greater the pain will be. I'd choose now if I were you. BTW, your description of him as loyal???? no.. anything but. If he was loyal he wouldn't be seeing you when married, nor lying about you when caught. His loyalty is to himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chelsea55 Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 I have taken all you comments on board especially mytwoworlds and growingpains thank you for being so understanding and frank in your opinion. I am meeting him next week and going to discuss all of this I do know I have to sort my life out and if that means letting him go I will. I do agree that he need the space to make any decision to stay with his W or go but that is his decision I can't hang around waiting much as I do care... Link to post Share on other sites
growingpains Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 It's really good that you are taking control and can realise that that is really the best thing you can do, as tough as it is. It will be tough and you may falter, but know that if you let it continue like this it is likely to be a million times tougher and you could end up waiting for something that may never happen. You do already seem aware of that so you are on your way to knowing what you need/want, which is a good thing. Think of his wife as well. He may not be getting along with her but that is their issue to resolve and allowing him to continue with you is unlikely to get him to deal with anything, just escape if the option is there. If he comes to his own decision then you know it is without any pressure or influence from you and he can't later turn round and blame or resent you. Anyway, I know you know all this but just a few more words to help strengthen your resolve for when you come to discuss things can't hurt . Hope it goes okay and keep us updated. GP Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I think you need to figure out what exactly it is that you want. Are you okay with it being an EMR? Is it fullfilling your needs? An EMR is difficult and communication is key for it to be satisfying for both parties. He needs to open up about his thoughts and feelings and you need to figure out your boundaries and perimeters and see if there is a happy medium. If one of your core needs is that he isn't married, then I do recommend you end it now and let him figure out what he needs to do because the more time invested causes more emotions and attachment. Figure out what it is that will make you happy and go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 OP, you need to take the time to read here and other places on how being the OW works. There are a lot of commonalities in affairs and even for the ones who do end up with the man which is a very small amount, there are a lot of pain and tears involved. A lot of former OW will tell you that you are making a huge mistake. Also.........loyal mm are a huge illusion because don't forget he is HAVING AN AFFAIR with YOU. Don't rationalize it or make excuses for it and him by telling yourself that it's just that we couldn't help ourselves and it's the 1st time he has done this. It might be his 1st time, but really that doesn't make it more special but also a lot of OW have found out later after the fact that they were one of many. Loyal.......absolutely NOT! I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
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